Ky**** Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 This is more a rant but there is a serious question behind it. Why do people contact you make requests then say your a fake/timewaster because you haven't quickly replied to them? I'm opening this topic as a heads up to new people as to what to expect but longer term members do it too. Please give people time to reply, not everyone is on here 24/7, sometimes things like work or the need to escape for a while when Chat gets too much means it can take time to answer. It is very bad manners to expect an instant answer and make a nasty comment, often in upper case, as a prelude to blocking someone for not replying. Its even worse if you haven't given time to reply.
Aisnota Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 Agree completely. In my experience, true kinksters are respectful, funny and polite! Frankly I get a lot of dms from what just seem to be rude horny boys masturbating in front of their computer who have no particular interest in kink. Please go jerk off to porn somewhere else, guys, and let us weirdos do our freak stuff here. in well-mannered peace and quiet!
Belfasts-m Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 I think guys in the main read kinky and think it means easy. Of course it's not I have never meet anyone truly in kink that doesn't have many levels and a story to tell.
Le**** Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 This has absolutely trickled from the quick tech revolution and instant gratification issue. I always insist to ALL people in my life, especially on here, that we are building a safe space. A space you can come in and go out at any time, respectfully, and without it being considered ghosting or ignoring or lack of interest. This is akin to a message or email. It is NOT urgent. Perhaps I have read your message but don't feel like replying yet for x reasons, but I will. Why? Respect, which is what real members of this community actually have :) (unless that's you kink, you disrespectful piece of t-)
Th**** Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 It's silly and immature, definitely, but it's a them problem. I usually just roll my eyes and am happy they showed themselves out.
Deleted Member Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 It's probably because they get ghosted so much... so when you don't reply or tell them you're busy... they assume you're ghosting them or playing games
Th**** Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 55 minutes ago, Lecs said: This is akin to a message or email. It is NOT urgent. Perhaps I have read your message but don't feel like replying yet for x reasons, but I will. Sooo much this. 👏👏👏 I've had people get in their feelings about how they've seen me signed on but haven't responded yet. Sometimes I have the time and energy to sign in and scroll, or respond to a forum thread here and there but may not be up for much actual conversation atm and would rather not chat at all than not be able to give a conversation the energy I'd prefer to give it.
Th**** Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 16 minutes ago, Jackthestripper said: It's probably because they get ghosted so much... so when you don't reply or tell them you're busy... they assume you're ghosting them or playing games It's an immature behavior.
Le**** Posted September 2, 2023 Posted September 2, 2023 22 minutes ago, Jackthestripper said: It's probably because they get ghosted so much... so when you don't reply or tell them you're busy... they assume you're ghosting them or playing games Yeah but come on, what is their "ghosting" threshold? An hour? Three? What's their attention span then? If they think they are being ghosted or that you are playing games they clearly have no idea about the core users of this community and their values. Anyway, hot take for some, sorry.
Je**** Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 2 hours ago, Aisnota said: Agree completely. In my experience, true kinksters are respectful, funny and polite! Frankly I get a lot of dms from what just seem to be rude horny boys masturbating in front of their computer who have no particular interest in kink. Please go jerk off to porn somewhere else, guys, and let us weirdos do our freak stuff here. in well-mannered peace and quiet! "Only real kinksters are nice" is the worst take I've ever heard 🤷♂️
Al**** Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 It’s because some people a reply and often get nothing in reply to a message. No acknowledgment at all and I suppose it can be very frustrating to some people and that’s how they vent their frustration.
ey**** Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 9 hours ago, Jackthestripper said: It's probably because they get ghosted so much... so when you don't reply or tell them you're busy... they assume you're ghosting them or playing games the big problem with 'ghosting' is that men have pretty much redefined what 'ghosting' means to make it sound like they're terrible victims. Someone you've never met, nor arranged to meet, not replying your message is not ghosting. And men (or people) not getting responses back... happens, cos... people are busy... some messages aren't conversational, we mistake "being online" as "being available" - and generally are impatient. Christ, imagine if we went back to old newspaper ads where you had to write to box numbers then collect replies in person
Th**** Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 10 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: the big problem with 'ghosting' is that men have pretty much redefined what 'ghosting' means to make it sound like they're terrible victims. Someone you've never met, nor arranged to meet, not replying your message is not ghosting. And men (or people) not getting responses back... happens, cos... people are busy... some messages aren't conversational, we mistake "being online" as "being available" - and generally are impatient. Christ, imagine if we went back to old newspaper ads where you had to write to box numbers then collect replies in person Yes, especially the messages not being conversational. I've received many messages that are basically statements. What am I supposed to do with that? If it's something like a "you're welcome" for instance there not really much to be said to that.
ey**** Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 18 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said: Yes, especially the messages not being conversational. I've received many messages that are basically statements. What am I supposed to do with that? If it's something like a "you're welcome" for instance there not really much to be said to that. yeah - this is something I notice a lot - and I think sometimes men in particular overestimate how much the other person was enjoying conversing with them (not that maybe they weren't, but not enough to keep prompting or pushing conversation when it's a dead end) or perhaps did enjoy the conversation, but saw the dead end as an end to the current convo - but also something one or both can resume in the future I guess also in a lot of cases - if someone has messaged someone they're interested in and not had a reply in, say, a week (which seems like forever in online terms, but a perfectly reasonable length of time in reality) then looking where they left things and maybe a "hope all is well..." type message rather than defaulting to accusations
DaFetts Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 14 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: the big problem with 'ghosting' is that men have pretty much redefined what 'ghosting' means to make it sound like they're terrible victims. Someone you've never met, nor arranged to meet, not replying your message is not ghosting. And men (or people) not getting responses back... happens, cos... people are busy... some messages aren't conversational, we mistake "being online" as "being available" - and generally are impatient. Christ, imagine if we went back to old newspaper ads where you had to write to box numbers then collect replies in person Ghosting implies youve opened communication prior. In that case its a rude and uncivil practice that clearly illustrates how little respect women have for men. Sub or dom
Th**** Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 1 hour ago, DaFetts said: Ghosting implies youve opened communication prior. In that case its a rude and uncivil practice that clearly illustrates how little respect women have for men. Sub or dom No.... Ghosting implies some level of relationship, minimum level of friendship at least. *Not* merely communication, women don't owe a response to strangers on the internet. Especially when a civil decline is so often met with abusive behavior and language.
DaFetts Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 4 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said: No.... Ghosting implies some level of relationship, minimum level of friendship at least. *Not* merely communication, women don't owe a response to strangers on the internet. Especially when a civil decline is so often met with abusive behavior and language. So what you are saying is that its ok for them to disappear mid conversation because having respect for people enough to say "no thanks bye", will probably just end up with the being uncivil? So being pre-emptively rude is called for cause... maybe?
Th**** Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 (edited) 3 minutes ago, DaFetts said: So what you are saying is that its ok for them to disappear mid conversation because having respect for people enough to say "no thanks bye", will probably just end up with the being uncivil? So being pre-emptively rude is called for cause... maybe? Don't get mad at women because they don't want to gamble on whether or not they'll be verbally ***d for a civil decline. Redirect that anger toward men who made them feel the need to avoid the possibility. Edited September 4, 2023 by ThaliaVirago
DaFetts Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 19 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said: Don't get mad at women because they don't want to gamble on whether or not they'll be verbally ***d for a civil decline. Redirect that anger toward men who made them feel the need to avoid the possibility. Really? No..dont take responsibility for your actions..blame others. Victim
Le**** Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 I believe we were using the term 'ghosting' very loosely at the beginning of this thread and just meant to say 'ignoring', but regardless of that, which one can clearly see if they want to see it, what does this have to do with a statement such as 7 hours ago, DaFetts said: how little respect women have for men ? 😂 It really reads to me as #niceguy (just in case, broad-terms definition: "in popular dating culture, a nice guy is a pejorative term for an insecure man who expects his kindness to be rewarded (with sex)" or viewed as chivalric when in actuality it is simply basic respect and should garner no reward) If you are a socially functioning person (it's okay if one is not), disappearing mid conversation is to be considered rude regardless of gender, except of the reply was so out of line (which usually is in these cases) then no notice is needed. Why should one waste time on saying bye if the person was already rude? Block and ciao When you feel you might get 5 hours ago, ThaliaVirago said: verbally ***d for a civil decline is when you are dealing with one of these aforementioned fake knights #niceguys It has nothing to do with victimism, but with the insecurities of a fragile masculinity. I should know because I have been there myself once. I would very much recommend that people deconstruct, but it is something that must come from within, and sometimes the blindfold is, ironically in a bdsm context, been tightened a bit too much.
DaFetts Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 12 minutes ago, Lecs said: I believe we were using the term 'ghosting' very loosely at the beginning of this thread and just meant to say 'ignoring', but regardless of that, which one can clearly see if they want to see it, what does this have to do with a statement such as is when you are dealing with one of these aforementioned fake knights #niceguys It has nothing to do with victimism, but with the insecurities of a fragile masculinity. I should know because I have been there myself once. I would very much recommend that people deconstruct, but it is something that must come from within, and sometimes the blindfold is, ironically in a bdsm context, been tightened a bit too much. Women are the ones most guilty of it. Face it, for most of time men have pandered to women. We value them. 90% of guys arent ghosting like that. Id say thats not a number women could come close to. I dont give a shit about any implied sexual cobtext, Im talking about human beings being civil to each other. It seems a lost art. Isnt kink supposed to be about connection?, how does one achieve that without communication. And I do take offense at the bastardisation of the term "nice guy".. I like to think of myself as a nice guy, and thats not with pejorative intent. Facts is facts. PC bullshit just avoids responsibility.
Le**** Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 2 minutes ago, DaFetts said: Women are the ones most guilty of it. Face it, for most of time men have pandered to women. We value them. 90% of guys arent ghosting like that. Id say thats not a number women could come close to. I dont give a shit about any implied sexual cobtext, Im talking about human beings being civil to each other. It seems a lost art. Isnt kink supposed to be about connection?, how does one achieve that without communication. And I do take offense at the bastardisation of the term "nice guy".. I like to think of myself as a nice guy, and thats not with pejorative intent. Facts is facts. PC bullshit just avoids responsibility. Oh, me too. I am unironically such a nice guy that when people see my kink side they almost cannot believe it. But that ks not what we are talking about here. It is not bastardisation of the term, it is a very real occurrence when dealing with insecure niceguys. Clearly do not take offense if you are not a #niceguy in that sense, simple as that. I wouldn't drag the PC (political correctness) talk into this because I don't think that agenda has anything to do with this specific issue. DaFetts, I know what you mean by respect, and I believe that almost everyone in this discussion can agree with that, no question there. What we are talking about is the toxicity that has had repercussions which have transformed the way people deal with reply times, regardless of gender. The only issue I was taking was the lack of patience. Moving away from a conversation when you see clear signs of niceguyism is totally valid. Sad for those of us who are genuine niceguys? Yes. But I would rather pay that price and have other people feel safer (be that PC bs or not) and work my way being a nice guy for someone actually interested. That's just my 2 cents 😂
ey**** Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 7 hours ago, DaFetts said: Ghosting implies youve opened communication prior. In that case its a rude and uncivil practice that clearly illustrates how little respect women have for men. Sub or dom Nope. To be ghosted - something actually had to be seemingly going somewhere. If you, say, turned up for coffee and they no-showed and then you got home and found they'd deleted all traces on social media and are not answering their phone (probably blocked your number) it's ghosting If someone simply does not reply to your last message - then - it's not usually ghosting. And, to be honest, men can be just as 'guilty' of this as anyone else. But the reasons for not replying are - varied... and if someone is going to assume someone not replying is because they're fake, or lose patience and block, or decide it's rude that it's taken so many days to reply - or - claim they've been 'ghosted' - then, they're largely shooting themselves in the foot. No one wants to feel like they're being held at gunpoint being made to reply. Everyone wants something where they feel comfortable replying, y'know, and if it's something which doesn't have urgency - waiting a couple of days, even a week, maybe longer - isn't the end of the world if you're genuinely interested. And at any time.... you can go to your messages and see where things were left. Was the last message you sent conversational, how long has it been, was it actually you who received the last message and didn't reply - and, I won't say a "Hey, how are you?" but you can send a prompt to reignite the convo. I guess the exceptions are 1) Deleted profile - which could be for many reasons 2) Profile removed, or ***d to fakecheck - which, sucks, but is often neither you nor them 3) Has hit the 'not interested' button - and even then trying to see how things were left and where they were going - because, well, over the years the amount of people who've moaned about it being used and then someone who used it on them in the forum has come up and had a different version of events to them, is unreal (pushy behaviour, not taking a no, so on) but even comments made outside of PMs can shape how people feel and I know people who've been chatting happily to someone and then saw them write something horrific and be like "lol, no" - sucks you don't get an explanation, but then no one owes one either.
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