Confused after a bad experience

[slav_r197]

I've been seeing Mistresses for the last four years and have had good experiences and bad. 

But one that I had recently that I would class as bad has stayed with me and I can't shake the feeling it gave me. 

I am always up front before a session and explained that I didn't like *** but do enjoy ***. 

However in the session I was spanked more than I was comfortable with and didn't enjoy the session as a result.

In fact I found myself flinching away from the Mistress several times.  However she didn't stop or treated me more gently as I hoped and really I just wanted the session to be over.  I was also asked to sniff poppers which I've only used once before and I think this added to my compliance but also my confusion. 

I felt low and unhappy afterwards and wondered if I should have stopped the session.  However I wasn't given a safe word and as the sub stopping a session seems like such a big thing to do.  I know it shouldn't be and I should be aware of and used or rather withdrawn my consent but when you are playing with consensual non-consent it can be very confusing.

It's difficult to think rationally during the session as you are trying to get into the sub role.  You are thinking I wanted this even if part of you is not enjoying it and you are also dealing with the here and now of what is happening to you. 

All this was going through my head at the time so, of course, I just went with it. 

But I still feel unhappy over a week later. 

Am I overreacting? 

In my BDSM journey I've only seen pro-Mistresses so have no friends that I can speak to about this which is why I'm posting and just want some other perspectives on my confusion. 

Thanks for reading. 

[ey****]

OK - so, I've a few things to say.   What is very important here is I don't want to sound like I am blaming you for anything here but there's certainly lessons from this you can learn going forwards.

First off - I know very much so how a bad experience can be off-putting and undo good experiences.  It casts doubt both on yourself and also on other Dominants "this one person didn't do things well, so would someone else?"

And it's important to know here that, well, I don't want to cast doubts on the Mistress - but some do have different ways of working, some which I agree with but you have to be wary of and some that I disagree with.  So, for example, I met a lady yesterday whose way of working is "I will respect your limits, but everything else is fair game" - I'm just using this as an example - I respect and agree with her way of working - but, obviously this does mean you have to be very clear what you are and are not into with her (FWIW - I had a wonderful time)

A couple of things I'd like to pick up on...

12 hours ago, slav_r197 said:

when you are playing with consensual non-consent it can be very confusing.

did you agree/ask for it to be CNC - or just assume it was? Or did she insist on this?    It feel strange if she would agree to CNC with someone she didn't know - because usually in CNC anything is fair game and "I don't really like..." sounds like a soft limit rather than a hard.

My kinda advice on that front is not to do CNC with someone you don't know.

12 hours ago, slav_r197 said:

In fact I found myself flinching away from the Mistress several times.  However she didn't stop or treated me more gently as I hoped

did you tell her to stop or treat you more gently?

again, yesterday I saw someone take a Hell of a beating and he groaned and he moaned and at times looked like he hated it - but he actually loved it.   Safewords exist so people can tell the difference on whether to stop or whether you're enjoying it.

12 hours ago, slav_r197 said:

I wasn't given a safe word

Red and Mercy are the universal safe words.  Equally, Amber/Yellow if you need someone to slow down.  If nothing else, if you shout amber and she doesn't know this she is at least going to stop to say "what are you on about?" at which point you can communicate.

12 hours ago, slav_r197 said:

the sub stopping a session seems like such a big thing to do

it is - but it's also an important thing to do, if needed.  Your physical and mental well being is most important.

12 hours ago, slav_r197 said:

It's difficult to think rationally during the session as you are trying to get into the sub role.  You are thinking I wanted this even if part of you is not enjoying it and you are also dealing with the here and now of what is happening to you. 

I hear you fully.

12 hours ago, slav_r197 said:

Am I overreacting? 

No.

It does ultimately sound like she ignored or misunderstood your "I don't really like ***" - it sounds like you are relatively experienced in seeing Pros but never previously had something happen which you were unhappy with and now you are struggling to process this.

I think it's important not to try to blame yourself or her, even though I've seemingly come up with some criticisms, these are meant as tooltips for going forward and learning from this.  It's also important that - well, there are many many amazing Pros - but there are also some who are inexperienced and finding their feet, everyone makes mistakes and learns and that's true either side of the slash - but, well, there's also some idiots.  There's also some who'd take your "I don't really like ***" and think "tough" which is an attitude I disagree with but sometimes happens.

I do half suggest opening communication with her, but again, don't sound like you're blaming her , put hands up on where you could have improved the situation (but obviously that this was difficult to communicate at the time) - but if she's worth her salt she'll appreciate the feedback.   

[slav_r197]

Thanks for the reply and I certainly didn't take your comments as criticism but tips to remember for the future.  I am not blaming her either.  I think I need to be much more upfront at the beginning of a session and will try to do this in future.  I'll also remember what you said about the universal safe words (the bit about shouting amber made me grin) and that it's important I feel I can use them if I need to during a session.  

You've definitely made me feel better about what happened and I'm beginning to think about dipping my toe in the BDSM water again which I haven't felt like doing at all since the session.  So a big thanks to you Black Sheep!

[ey****]

you're very welcome. I say this as someone who has had mostly good experiences, but has had bad experiences that left me jaded and questioning everything - but myself and the lady in question had a conversation and sorted things like adults.    

I am still wary about getting myself into circumstances I don't feel I can handle... but yeah, sometimes you gotta literally think, shit happens - and OK - how do I stop it happening again? One of the cruellest lessons in life is you learn more through mistakes than getting things right.

[GentDom]

It sounds to me like a breakdown in communication between you both - was this the first session you had with her?

If so then unless you specifically wished not to have a safe word then that is unprofessional of her in the first instance 

 

She should have established clear limits and ground rules and a method of communication between you both 

 

Once in the heat of a session it can be incredibly difficult to think clearly and the natural response is to try and please the Dom(me) and accept what she / he is doing - which is why you need to did use and agree it beforehand 

 

As she was the professional here I lay the responsibility 100% at her door and would advise you to steer very much clear in future 

 

Thus sounds like very bad BDSM to me 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Eyemblacksheep is always the voice of reason! I’ve been criticised by Eyemblacksheep on some of my posts, but their experience and sound, commonsensce advice maintains my respect nonetheless. Many many very valid points in their advice there, that only a fool would ignore...

[slav_r197]

It was the first session we'd had together and the last! 

It's very reassuring to read that others agree that in the heat of the session your natural instinct is to please.  After the session I was kind of beating myself up for not speaking up but feel a lot better now. 

I've seen a good few Mistresses who claim not to need to give their clients a safe word as they can read the situation.  This Mistress was one of those.  I've always gone along with it not wishing to get the session off to an awkward start.  However I'll never do this again.  And I'll always remember Eyemblacksheep's advice that regardless of what is said, if you just start yelling 'amber' in the middle of a session that's going to get some sort of reaction even if it's just 'why are you yelling amber?'.

[ey****]

Gonna tell you a story of something that happened 3 years ago.   It was when I was new to filming and basically the lady I was filming with we said hellos and walked around the room to pick some toys that we could agree I could handle.

We're ready for the scene and the producer comes along with an awful carriage whip and suggests also using this.  We're actually both a little taken aback but we both kinda want to make a good impression for the producer and also I want to make a good impression on her.

I'm ready to call this off after 2 strikes.  Actually, in hindsight - the best thing to do would have been to call to cut the scene, get rid of the fucking whip - and start again with what we'd agreed.

She struck me with it for 7 minutes straight.  Now, we don't know each other - we'd just met - we'd not played together before - she can see me struggling but she doesn't know if I actually like it or not.   We've agreed a safe signal and she's frantically checking for me to make it.  I'm not wanting to make it because I don't want to let her down... and so it takes 7 minutes until I eventually make it.

Then it's time for the next toy...  it was a 20 minute clip of pure Hell and when I came down I kinda swore, that was it, I wasn't filming any more ever - this was like my 2nd ever clip (and I've since done 250 - so.... something turned around) and we met up and talked about it a few weeks later and she basically hated the scene, she hated it more when she realised how much I'd disliked it but she was also wanting to make a good impression to both the producer and me and not wanted to stop if I was enjoying it.

Retrospectively. I don't blame anyone. I take it as lessons learned.  And, like - even if I'd screamed "for fucks sake stop" - all that would have had to happened was that moment be snipped from the clip.

I have come across others who've been boastful they've never had a sub safeword - and that's fine - but, you really have got to be confident - because some subs like to scream and love it and some like to be quiet.  I think communication on this is important before anyone can say they can read people.