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How to deal with *** once you've had a bad experience

StartleBird

By StartleBird
in BDSM Forum

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StartleBird

StartleBird

Posted
Posted
As someone who suffers from PTSD, what is a good way to deal with ***? When I think about serving another person, the first emotion I feel is ***. *** of what? *** of them hurting me. *** of disappointing them. *** of betraying my own personal boundaries in pursuit of their satisfaction. *** of not knowing myself well enough to advocate for myself. *** of ***. *** of ***. *** of being ***d to do something either through physical *** or ***. I want to serve. I want to be given a purpose. I want to have the satisfaction of serving either hand and foot like a butler or in some other fashion. But still I feel ***. I am afraid of the unknown. I have only ever served once and it ended poorly. I suppose now I *** a repeat.
au****

au****

Posted
Posted
I work with trauma responses…if you’d like to chat more privately about it, I’m happy to share any gold nuggets that might support a switch in your relationship with ***…especially given your experience. Best to you and love reading how you’re already doing some good work on it!!
BigPolly

BigPolly

Posted
Posted
As far as BDSM is concerned don’t play until you feel comfortable in someone’s presence, emerge yourself in clubs & munches where you don’t have to take part, stop focusing on what you think you need to achieve.
All of this is about fun experiences. Things go wrong for all of us but stop focusing on the end result. That *** will always be there regardless but overtime some will turn in to an apprehensive thrill.
Limits are there to be installed & removed when necessary so use them and take everything very slowly and gently at YOUR pace, never be bullied into doing or performing in a way that is outside your comfort zone until you’re ready.

Deleted Member

Posted
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5 hours ago, austin385n said:
I work with trauma responses…if you’d like to chat more privately about it, I’m happy to share any gold nuggets that might support a switch in your relationship with ***…especially given your experience. Best to you and love reading how you’re already doing some good work on it!!

Hey Austin I am in a similar situation as OP would you allow me to reach out as well?

Deleted Member

Posted
Posted
Startlebird I had to a lot of journaling and relationship building with my wounded inner child that his voice would be heard and honoured moving forward. The more space I give him and learn to value his input and take agency and authorship in my life the more other’s behavior became about them not how I react to them. Keep your path and find your people. The obstacle is the way and the reactivity is just a spotlight to the unhealed not bad but good that you have the opportunity to learn from it.
Th****

Th****

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, sissykendra69 said:

My biggest *** is that I won’t be able to be say no even if I don’t want to do something because of how submissive I am and have had problems doing so in the past

This is where things like being careful in choosing partners comes into play. Thorough vetting, clear negotiations and boundary setting up front and building things very gradually and slowly come into play. Tops and Dominants should be learning and paying attention to all your cues, regular check ins and not just listening for a safeword, stop or no. 

St****

St****

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Posted
Great communication. And only settle for that in addition to the above advice.

Deleted Member

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Thanks for this. I’m not the only one then. I struggle with *** and it’s stopping me from everything, even trying. But I’m here and reading this. I am

not alone . 

sa****

sa****

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Ya thanks too. Those hits home for me in my life am I afraid cause my past traumas and how much am I procrastinating and getting worked up and stressing the people around me as well. I don't know if you wanna talk more about here or inprivate. (Fb or something) but like my *** is disrupting my relationship and sometimes daily routine. Making me even more unstable by not being as present as I should be at that moment. There's simple exercises to take your mind off of the issue like square breathing ( they teach marine spec ops. Snipers) and modern medicine uses it with medication for mrt therapy

Deleted Member

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Yes I get it, I could be such a wild thing and really enjoy sex with someone but holding back due to thoughts and ***s. It upsets me, makes my other half nervous which doesent help. And then to top it all. I feel sorry for myself cause I feel I am missing out on something that would me good and exciting and exhilarating.   

  • 2 weeks later...
dook

dook

Posted
Posted

If you really trust your partner, disguss it and be open. Try again more carefully. THis happened to me with sounding. 

earthyangel

earthyangel

Posted
Posted

before anything, I send you a hug. I was reading your words and that was my inner feeling. 

if you are traumatized, I think you need to give yourself the right space and time for figure out yourself. I would consider treatment. I was wondering what is the basic need that you have that cause you do things the way you do. is it the need to be loved? is it something else? 
I learned that I was a giver and pleaser not only in the lifestyle just because I was afraid that no one will love me if I will stand for my own needs. just when I started to put limits to people, I learned that I don't really care now if people love me or not. I hope they will, yet if they don't.. so be it. 

don't do things that you *** of. dot. you need to be able to talk about such things with the person that dominate you. communication is a basic thing. if you *** something, you can "work" around it.. together. if its in your hard limits because you were injured, just don't. someone that care about you, would not damage you. 
it is challenging thing to over come ***. sometimes it takes baby steps. if you cannot communicate it with your partner, love yourself and go for a treatment.

StartleBird

StartleBird

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Wednesday at 09:09 AM, earthyangel said:

before anything, I send you a hug. I was reading your words and that was my inner feeling. 

if you are traumatized, I think you need to give yourself the right space and time for figure out yourself. I would consider treatment. I was wondering what is the basic need that you have that cause you do things the way you do. is it the need to be loved? is it something else? 
I learned that I was a giver and pleaser not only in the lifestyle just because I was afraid that no one will love me if I will stand for my own needs. just when I started to put limits to people, I learned that I don't really care now if people love me or not. I hope they will, yet if they don't.. so be it. 

don't do things that you *** of. dot. you need to be able to talk about such things with the person that dominate you. communication is a basic thing. if you *** something, you can "work" around it.. together. if its in your hard limits because you were injured, just don't. someone that care about you, would not damage you. 
it is challenging thing to over come ***. sometimes it takes baby steps. if you cannot communicate it with your partner, love yourself and go for a treatment.

I think the biggest thing for me is that I want to be loved. I want to be cherished. So I put all of myself out there and do things that I would probably not be comfortable with. Just so I can be loved.

earthyangel

earthyangel

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, StartleBird said:

I think the biggest thing for me is that I want to be loved. I want to be cherished. So I put all of myself out there and do things that I would probably not be comfortable with. Just so I can be loved.

that what I thought. well.. for you to know, that won't make others like you more. that will just cause some unworthy people to *** you. maybe you should invest some time in learning to love and cherish yourself first. when you will value yourself more, you will pull proper people that fit your energy. its quite simple. the self work isn't easy, yet if you don't love yourself, no one will. 

StartleBird

StartleBird

Posted
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Posted
Saturday at 06:02 AM, earthyangel said:

that what I thought. well.. for you to know, that won't make others like you more. that will just cause some unworthy people to *** you. maybe you should invest some time in learning to love and cherish yourself first. when you will value yourself more, you will pull proper people that fit your energy. its quite simple. the self work isn't easy, yet if you don't love yourself, no one will. 

Fair enough.

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