*** of vulnerability and submission?

[pearlygrl]

I have been involved in the local scene for years, as a female dominant.  A few days ago, something happened and it threw me for a loop and I would love some feedback.

A couple pf weeks ago I met this gorgeous looking gal at a restaurant.  She was at the bar.  She's in her early 20's and just moved to town. We exchanged numbers and started hanging out together.  The more I hung out with her, the more I found myself attracted to her. Not only was she drop dead gorgeous and tall but she also this great magnetic personality. It was hard to explain in that it she such a strong yet subtle, extremely seductive and confident. It was intimidating to be around and at times makes me feel both *** and submissive.

I shared my interests in the lifestyle. We hung out and slept together a couple of times. She dominated me in bed, which shocked me.  I couldn't resist.  Last Thursday we went out. We went back to my place and I showed her some paddles and other toys.  She picked up a Lexan paddle and handcuffs.  I was like "well, what do you think" and she asked me what my favourite was.   Said I like using the simple whip and she replied I like this one referring to the Lexan.   I'm starting to feel a wee bit intimidated and slowly moved back.  She matches my step and all the sudden I hear the click of the cuffs on one of my wrists.  

I can't describe the overwhelming sense of vulnerability and submissiveness I felt.  It was so intense and scary.  She was like "I'd love to try this...on you".  

I panicked.  I told her I wasn't feeling well and asked her to leave.  That night, alone in bed, I was left feeling so confused, lost, and inadequate. I feel so bad about the way I ended the night and haven't had the nerve to talk to her about it.  Still trying to process.

Never felt this way before.  Why all the sudden?  I am able to control my emotions but around her they get the best of me.  Is it stupid ***?  Stubbornness?  I feel like I am a poor dominant and that I've failed in some way.  The intensity of the vulnerability and sudden feelings of submissiveness is right in my face.   I'm feeling so discombobulated.

Any thoughts from fellow kinksters and lifestyles?  Would seeing someone help?  Ideas on how I can talk about this to her?

TIA

 

[Shenna]

I would be honest with her about how you felt. Also I would discuss about the wants and needs as well as discussing trust.
Obviously your feeling this way as you felt *** and scared and cuffed you which made you feel more scared.
But also she should have listened that you felt intimated and *** by her actions. Which you were not comfortable with.

Have a discussion with her exactly how you wrote here. But go into more detail about your feelings about this.
She may not be aware how you felt but she also needs to know this. She maybe feeling guilty that she done this and is worried she may have lost you also.

But if she shows no emotions about the situation or any remorse she may well not be the right person for you.
Safety and well being is very important as well as Trust, honesty as well as your emotions.

If you both decide to try again come up with a safe word or safe object or a signal that way she is aware your not comfortable.

Always listen to your gut, heart and brain.
But communication is also very important tell her how you truly feel.

She may also open up about her own feelings and emotions. Good long heart to heart is needed. 

Also take baby steps when trying something new that way it doesn't scare you but if you don't feel comfortable just say no also. She needs to respect that

But if she won't listen and doesn't play safe or where your feelings are concerned. It may not be a safe dynamic. But please express yourself. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Shenna

[ge****]

Have you had any contact with her since the time you asked her to leave? If so how has that been?

Either way, the key, as always, is communication and explaining to her how the experience has made you feel, and how it has confused you.

It is of course entirely feasible that she has awoken some strange and new feelings within you, and there's nothing wrong with that in the slightest, but can also understand the sense of confusion and vulnerability it has bought - one thing though, it certainly doesn't make you a "poor dominant" or less of a person in any way.

I've often thought that even though we may label ourselves as dominant, submissive etc that within life as a whole there are some people we are naturally dominant towards, some we are naturally submissive towards, and mostly those we are naturally equals with - and all that regardless of how we have chosen to label ourselves, so maybe this is you finding someone you are naturally submissive to.

What you need to decide is whether you want to act on those feelings, and that is something only you can decide by weighing up those feelings - yes they have made you feel ***, confused, lost etc - but have they also excited you, made you curious about that side of yourself etc? Only you can know how that balances out and ultimately the direction you want to take this and that may involve discussing further with her before you decide - she may have just been playing games and nothing more, or perhaps she sees something in you you don't see foe yourself - but again until you have that conversation you won't know or be able to decide for yourself.

[ey****]

So firstly this kinda scenario is more common than it seems.  The concept of being restrained, ***, etc. and the other person being able to do anything is something that can be exciting, but also can be terrifying.  Sometimes it's difficult to know how you'll react until there is the realisation of the situation.

(at this point someone might chime in with 'safe words' - but in a period of panic this is something can be forgotten about and also ignores the fact that you can say a safe word, but don't always have control on the other person following it.)

So the first thing here is to accept that your reaction isn't totally out of the ordinary.

---

After that, of course, converse with her and tell her it maybe felt slightly overwhelming at the time, but you'd love to try again (if you would like to try again) and perhaps if there's anything she should or shouldn't do to make this easier for you might help a lot. 

[Deleted Member]

I personally think under everything all of us are a switch… there will always be that one person in the world that can press that switch button on anyone of any role they choose as there main role
If it is the first time, then as with all of this side of life, it needs discussion, and a slow introduction into the relationship

[Deleted Member]

I just think she hadn't gained your trust yet. You have to let her cuff you when you're ready, not when she's ready. Maybe throwing her out was a bit over the top but I guess it was just a snap decision, don't beat yourself up over it. I would contact her and explain how you feel. Good luck ✌️❤️.

[Je****]

Sounds like you were very overwhelmed. I agree with some of the below, perhaps it has been a bit soon and you're still adjusting and she hasn't fully gained your trust yet.
New and unusual situations we do typically have the fight or flight thing kick in.
Why would you feel inadequate or a failure as a dominant?? .... For discovering that you like something else bar one set role? C'mon....
Our needs and wants are forever changing and evolving. We meet people who introduce us to stuff we never thought we would like before, the same as we meet those who show us what we don't like either.
This doesn't make you less of anything. We need to break this thought process!!! Just relax and try something new, in your own time when you're ready. Try to swallow the negativity and *** and doubt over your own role and just let the night take you both somewhere magical!
But definately speak to her. It's the first step in making things better and building more solid trust too.
It sounds like you have found something special here, so don't let it go to waste! :)

[Matttster]

Every relationship is different. You are delving into something new for you, so take your time. If you are not comfortable, stop it.

A good relationship requires trust and open communication. I think you just need to talk to her, let her know how you are feeling. Be open and honest. Then see where things go.

Best of luck!!

[Ninja_Nick]

I think your best bet is to give in. Deep down your a switch but it takes a very particular hard to find person to bring out your submissive side, and I wouldn’t ever let that go.

[Deleted Member]

Donnykinkster (or whatever his current handle is 😊) wrote a brilliant story about a similar thing. If I find it I’ll link it. 
 

It’s not that you’re not a good dominant, but I think it’s inevitable that there is eventually going to be someone who is more dominant than you. Only one person can hold the Most Dominant Domme title at a time, after all. 
 

This could be a great opportunity to learn more about yourself by overcoming your ***. You obviously think she’s fantastic, what a shame to miss this chance to open yourself up to being ***, discover something new and get closer to someone who excites you. It sounds so exciting to me. I really hope it works out. x

[Je****]

Was there any conclusion to this? I'd love to hear what happened and if you found your groove and happiness xxx

[Deleted Member]

On 1/16/2022 at 1:16 PM, Finally_Jen said:

Was there any conclusion to this? I'd love to hear what happened and if you found your groove and happiness xxx

I’d love to know too! x