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Needing help with being a dom to a very rebellious sub


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So i M25 (D) and seeing someone F21(S) and we’ve started to explore going from vanilla to a d/s and eventually m/s relationship. The only problem is that i struggle to be dominant due to things that have happened in the relationship that have ruined my confidence and created a lot of insecurities in me. My girlfriend is demanding that i be more dominant and i try to be, but when i do she’s disobedient, rude, and borderline emasculates me, and acts as though she’s the dom? But then tells me she’s not submitting because she doesn’t take me seriously. What am i supposed to do? How can i be the dom if I’m constantly being out down and not listened to? What can i do to regain my confidence and put her in her place?

Sounds like a classic case of topping from the bottom (which most, if not all D types hate)

what's difficult is I have an assumption that could go badly if I'm wrong.  So, you need to talk to her first...

it sounds like she is provoking you to get a severe beating.   that she is being rude and telling you what she will and won't do in the hope you will make her.

But obviously here - the risk is if you pin her down and bray the shit out of her and it's NOT what she wanted - then it's assault... if you do this and she tells you to stop, can you be sure she wants you to stop or not ?

A suggestion is to show her this post to get her to confirm yes/no - what is cool for her, what is her expected results?

although topping from the bottom can be annoying, if it can guide the two of you then it's good - buuut - you have to BOTH be happy else the relationship will not work. 

My own take on it....it would appear that you both need to sit and talk this thro...finding yourself challenged to find the inner D type is no easy task...it won't be made any easier by your partner asserting her own dominance within your relationship particularly at this early stage....knowing what YOU are before you take the next steps in your journey is key to finding what works best for both of you....establish some basic foundations first...likes dislikes limits wants/needs all the things that most relationships are built around....but communicate and continue to communicate at all times asserting your own presence through communication will help lift your confidence and establish a base line that you both can follow....this lifestyle is far more enjoyable when you talk things through and evaluate at every turn!!!! Be positive!!!! Best regards Jed

Yeah, I'm new to this site, and I'm not officially into anything like BDSM (idk most of the terms you guys use), but I know psychology, conflict, and power. Read my own topic here, right before yours. (About training a sex kitten.)

I agree communication is important, but it's not verbal communication that you need. Consider an argument: two men are about to fight. One says "I'll kick your ass", but the other simply knocks him out. Which is more confident, more dominant?.. Words are always weaker than actions, and we all know this.

I agree with both eyemblacksheep & Jed. You need to communicate, and it shouldn't be violent. What does that leave us? Sex.

But you run the risk of losing control - can't happen. Keep 100% of it by removing yourself from the equation. 

I would never hit a woman violently - that's negative destruction, always(!). I would, however, break her sexually. If you have the option, restrain her 100% and give her nothing but pleasure. Drive her crazy, so she gets used to that. If the problem persists, and she gives you attitude again, do the same BUT do not let her finish. Tell her "this is for being a disobedient bitch that time you____" (or w.e), and spank her instead or something. I think this is the most effective approach. 

Any guy on the street can hit her. 

Her mommy and daddy and teachers had "talks" with her every time she misbehaved. 

Only you (should) control her sexual pleasure, so control it. 


Chris - the fact is there are lots of different styles of Dom. Some Doms are super strict, others are sensual, others are sadistic etc etc. It sounds like she is expecting you to be a specific style of Dom that doesn't sit right with you. And therefore, sadly, it may be that you're not a good match for each others styles. 

In my experience when a sub is bratting like that it's because they're craving your strict side. For myself if a Dom doesn't correct my mistakes or behaviour it makes me feel like he doesn't care enough to put it right. 

As the others have said, if you do want to try and make it work, then you need to have a good chat with each other and lay out ground rules. Have you ever given her a set of rules? You can't expect her to behave in a specific way if she doesn't have rules. Then explain your punishments and ensure she's agreeable that if she breaks those rules it will result in a punishment. The punishment's should be level to the rule break or disobedience. And remember - punishment should be swift and then moved on from. 

Some examples of punishments (Remember every single sub is different, a punishment that works for one may not work for another because they actually enjoy it. And a punishment shouldn't be enjoyed)

- writing lines

- spanking

- kneeling on rice

- holding a submissive pose for X amount of time while repeating a phrase e.g. I'm sorry Sir, you are in charge and I will not disobey you. 

- elastic bands around boobs and twanged X number of times

- wear a humiliating sign

- not allowed to use the toilet and therefore made to wet themselves

- no cumming for X amount of time


Things that should never be punishments

- silent treatment

- cut off from friends / support networks


I hope this is helpful

  • 3 weeks later...

At the end of the day, dominance and submission are about connection, and that connection is something that cannot be ***d. If she is not responding to your natural mode of dominance, trying to *** it or to change yourself into "the Dom she wants" is not going to improve upon it. While you can certainly take her suggestions with an open mind, if they don't feel right or natural to you then, chances are, they wont come off that way to her as well. 

My advice would be for you to really examine what, if anything, do you gind valuable about your Dominant mindset and how do you feel you can naturally express that. Try working on being true to what feels natural to you. She may respond to that more strongly than to you trying on different Dom hats that just don't fit. And if she doesn't, then it would be worth discussing it openly and honestly with her as to why she doesn't and if the D/s dynamic is ultimately a natural fit for your relationship. 

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