A Sensitive Subject

[SassySweetie]

Hello!

I am looking for advice on sensitive  subject. When I was in high school I was sexually molested multiple times by a family member. Because of my amazing support system I have been able to move forward with my life with very little PTSD. That being said this is still something that affects my life on a regular basis. It’s important to me that I have a discussion with my future Dom about what I went through before we have an sort of sexual relationship  just in case I have an unexpected reaction. This topic however isn’t one that I discuss with a majority of people in my life. My family and closest friends know but that was at least a year after it happened. Even now, year later I have only discussed it with two other close friends after getting to know them each for well over a year so I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to have a discussion. Is it reasonable for me to ask my future Dom to wait? Does it make me selfish for more than likely wanting to wait while still expecting them to remain monogamous? I don’t want their needs to go unmet but I don’t know when I’ll be ready to open up about this part of my life, and I don’t want them to end up going to someone else in order for them to receive what they need. I’m new to BDSM culture so I’m curious what participating members have to say. 

Sorry that was so long and thank you for any advice.

[Wo****]

I was in a similar position. My first sexual experience was ***. It shaped who i am and it took me a long time to fully accept it.

Is it reasonable to ask your future Dom to wait? Absolutely.

I have only recently opened up about what happened and i wish i'd done it sooner. My current Dom knows, we have a few plans that could be a trigger but because of the level of trust i have in him and the detail we have discussed everything i know that i am safe.

Communication is important, even more so in this kind of dynamic.

[Wineforme]

Please ask yourself why you want a Dom

[Deleted Member]

I hate to say it, but I disagree with @LazyPiratesBounty this time. As Wineforme says, why do you want a Dominant? If you want a Dominant to wait, I would suggest that means that you are not ready yourself, in which case maybe you should wait to find a Dominant at all. In my position, if a Submissive came to me and said "I really like you, but I want you to wait a year before we have sex" I would advise her to find a Dominant in a years time, but then I think that defeats the objective of gaining a Dominant's trust through the course of a year. I personally think that is unfair, but that is just my opinion

Edited September 24, 2019 by Deleted Member

[Re****]

I agree with @LazyPiratesBounty. Having been through similar myself, I truly believe that only those who know through personal experience can fully understand your dilemma. You could possibly give a brief explanation of a previous trauma and that in time and with trust you will explain in full when you are ready. Explain that some aspects are initially not possible but with time and trust this can change. Anyone worth your time, whatever the lifestyle, will understand, if they don't then quite frankly they are not worth a second thought, we are people first. It's not something you get over, you learn to live with it, accept it, it's part of who and why we are. Good luck, if you ever want to chat drop me a dm (f/s here by the way) x

[Wo****]

2 hours ago, DanteReign said:

I hate to say it, but I disagree with @LazyPiratesBounty this time. As Wineforme says, why do you want a Dominant? If you want a Dominant to wait, I would suggest that means that you are not ready yourself, in which case maybe you should wait to find a Dominant at all. In my position, if a Submissive came to me and said "I really like you, but I want you to wait a year before we have sex" I would advise her to find a Dominant in a years time, but then I think that defeats the objective of gaining a Dominant's trust through the course of a year. I personally think that is unfair, but that is just my opinion

I see where you are coming from Mr Reign and I understand it (i think) but surely a D/s relationship is about more than just sex? I mean, in that year of waiting a relationship can be built, ideas, needs, wants can all be discussed with no pressure. In this case what is happening is a submissive is saying "help me trust you"

Overcoming and learning to embrace the effects these experiences have can take a lifetime, if at alll. Asking someone to take things slowly, being honest about how it affects things, helps.

[DaisyMae]

I am a huge believer in this: to submit takes great strength. 

It's absolutely essential that we are confident we're in a stable emotional state before engaging in anything in the BDSM lifestyle. By its very nature it's emotionally and physically challenging, and it can be very damaging if we're not stable before we participate. 

That said - you're under no duty as to who you choose to be sexual with. You need to be ready and that's understandable. Although I do think there is much more to s/m than sex....it is still sexual. So I would suggest that if you're not completely ready to be sexual then you're perhaps not completely ready to submit. And therefore I'd suggest not rushing into anything at all. Take your time to heal and be sure that you're completely ready to be sexual. 

As a way of exploring yourself once you're ready you could begin with an online dynamic so that any sexual activity is solo albeit directed by your Dom. But this too takes the same emotional strength so do wait until you're ready. 

There is no rush, there is no time limit for healing. 

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

take things slowly

I would agree with this part, yes. Take things slowly, ease into things. My disagreement lies in removing sex completely. BDSM and D/s is not all about sex, but sex does play a crucial part in it. I could quite easily plan sessions that involve "soft, slow" sex. I do not know if I am getting my point across clearly

[Wo****]

3 minutes ago, DanteReign said:

I would agree with this part, yes. Take things slowly, ease into things. My disagreement lies in removing sex completely. BDSM and D/s is not all about sex, but sex does play a crucial part in it. I could quite easily plan sessions that involve "soft, slow" sex. I do not know if I am getting my point across clearly

Sex isn't being removed though, it's being put off for a while, until a relationship is formed, trust built.

 

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Sex isn't being removed though, it's being put off for a while, until a relationship is formed, trust built.

 

Perhaps I have misunderstood, but I am interpreting this as sex IS being completely removed, but only during the waiting period?

[Mi****]

Not all dynamics involve sex so you may be better looking for a Dom for whom this is the case. It is important that whichever Dom you choose knows that there has been trauma in your life so maybe you could tell them that much without going into details?

[SassySweetie]

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It means the world to me that complete strangers are willing to share their thoughts and give me advice. Hearing everyone’s opinions on the matter gave me much to think about. I desperately want to feel as though I’ve completely moved forward with my life and sex is I believe my one last hurdle. To be frank I don’t want to avoid everything that is sexual in nature until I’m ready to bare my soul. I would be up front and explain that I have a degree of sexual trauma but that I am more than willing to try out some things provided that we move slower just in case anything is triggering. If I’m ready and I feel comfortable after a couple of months to give sex a try then great! I hope everything goes smoothly and that there will be no issues but if there is I need to know that he’s going to be there by my side helping me through it instead of trying to push me into having sex or going farther than I’m ready. Some of you may be right, I might not be ready for submission. At this point I’m just trying to educate myself, but at the end of the day I don’t think I’ll truly ever know until I try. Again thank you all so much for reaching out to me. I never thought people would care about the worries of a complete stranger. 

[CheekiCheshire]

I tell potential play partners that doing XYZ may hit a "trauma trigger" - I don't have to go into details. However, if you are talking about YOUR Dom, if you trust someone enough to submit, you should trust them with this as well, at least in my opinion.

[Deleted Member]

Just take your time and first of all think of why you want a dom in the first place, I have PTSD through being physically ***d as a child (by teachers at school) it took me a long while ( over 30 years) to open up about this to anyone. I also had a friend who was sexually ***d in her early ***s by a much older male relative. She had issues understandably because of this and the saddest one for me was the fact that her *** had left her feeling worthless. In her mind she had no value and tended to gravitate towards men who treated her like dirt, because in her mind, these were the only kinds of men she was good for. As I said, she was really messed up and ended up with a bloke who treated her like shit, got her pregnant, then ***d her to have an abortion! We became really close, though not in a sexual way and I was able to draw on my own personal experiences to help her, I remember her telling me she couldn't sleep at night, she had nightmares about her experiences, this affected  her ability to work, so I suggested she got a night job, she did, and found it helpful, she came to stay with me and we both worked nights. I used to finish my shift, then drive over to her works and pick her up, then we'd drive home and have a couple of beers, warm up the indian that we'd got the night before, then head off to our seperate bedrooms.

It all worked out for her in the end, she moved well away from the area, and settled down with a new partner, the last I heard, she was married with a couple of kids, which is what she always wanted. It's a bit sad that I don't see her, or hear from her anymore, but I'm happy that she's happy!

Take your time and do what's best for you, that's all you can do, best wishes, phil