Born ?.....or made?

[Co****]

 

Hi, I'm  relatively newish, been on here for 2 years on and off,  reading, learning, chatting. ....

Had a couple of experiences along the way to hopefully  finding my Dom.

One good, one not so.

Someone said to me recently,  that 'Doms are born,  and not made'

Im inclined to agree.

I think its an innate quality in someone that you feel or know,  by the way they talk , act speak.

Which is hard to learn.

I wondered what other more experienced peoples thoughts were on this?....

 

[Deleted Member]

I think a person is more likely than not to have innate Dom tendencies, but a totally vanilla person can, with dedication and determination, become a Dom if they want to. Same goes the other way around, a totally vanilla person could become a sub. Depends who they're with and what they're willing to do for each other. Some vanilla couples who wanna spice things up could have been innately a Dom/sub pairing all along, some vanilla couples who wanna spice things up grow into those roles over time. It isn't black and white though!

[SL****]

Genetically I believe they’re born. I know people who can fake it well but there’s always going to be a certain level of discomfort when it’s being ***d.

[sh****]

Born sub Definitely I had submissive desires before I even knew what bdsm was

[Deleted Member]

I think once a connection is made then that makes the dom sub part of the relationship easier. Everyone has something to learn and no one is perfect. I think we all can teach each other something. I’m a dom and want to continue to learn and push women’s fantasies
Each and every time we’re together.

[to****]

I am a Dom. I do not know how to be submissive, never have. To me, it is completely natural to be the Dom. I’m also a hidden, quiet kind of Dom, but those who recognize immediately pin the label on me. Born with those qualities, in my opinion. I just “get it” and know what to do if that makes sense.

[Ma****]

I think you might be born with qualities that are good for a Dom to have but being a Dom requires knowledge, self discipline, and confidence. These are things you learn and develop throughout your life.

[DarkArts1066]

I don’t believe that anyone is ‘born’ Dominant.
As MasterGreed says above though, at least some of the qualities required may well be inate - but perhaps dormant in a person, until they are exposed to environmental stimuli.

For example, during my formative years, exploring sexuality with various partners, I was always happy and comfortable taking control of an intimate situation with an inexperienced partner…. Whereas I know of others who struggled to do that at the same time, leading more to furtive fumblings, rather than sexual experimentation.
As I’ve aged, I’ve sought out situations, experienced more, read more, watched more, and developed the ‘path’ that I am now on.
Thus, we are not born Dominant, we develop those characteristics - or not, depending on what we are exposed to.

[ge****]

I don't think anyone is born particularly either dominant or submissive - not in kink terms anyway, but I do think people *may* have the characteristics of one or the other - I do however think that early experiences can shape and subconsciously inform one or the other side, but it's only with the addition of knowledge that the role itself comes to the fore.
.
To use myself as an example - my submission I believe is fairly innate, it comes from within and I've always, going back to my earliest memories, never been the one to take the lead - add to that some experiences as a child, some not so pleasant, that tied into my submissive side and I always knew I was "different" somehow - however it was only in my mid-30s and a chance conversation in a chat room that led me to truly understand what domination and submission were in kink terms, and it was only then that I was able to label myself submissive.
.
So I actually believe it's a mix of nature, nurture, circumstance and knowledge that makes someone either dominant or submissive or for that matter switch.
.
Having said all that I actually believe we all have *both* dominant and submissive traits and characteristics and one or other may come to the fore dependent on circumstance and who we are interacting with.
.
In my daily life there are definitely people I am more submissive to, but there are also people I am more dominant to - so logic dictates that could translate to kink, and though I don't feel comfortable in a kink dominant role and so suppress that side of me even if I do feel more dominant to someone - perhaps that logic explains switches and how they are able to flip between roles.

[DarkArts1066]

Just to interject again for a moment.
This is actually a very interesting point for debate.
We hear sometimes that someone is or was “born to lead”, and once again, I think that is a misrepresentation. I think we are all shaped by our environments, for good or for bad, and the concept of being Dominant or submissive in the workplace (in a non-kink way) is an interesting one.

In the workplace, I have always led by example - it is one of my personal mantras, and simply “who I am”.
As a result of that, even from the early days in my industry, people would look to me for advice or affirmation, and I have never been afraid to give it.
Interestingly, the more you ‘rise’ within an organisation, and the more critical your opinions and decisions become to the business, the greater the pressure to be right also becomes, and so that generates a lot of self criticism and introspectivity.

As a result of that, I believe that has bled over into my kink life, and made me a better Dominant for it.

A case of ‘work-life balance’ working in syncopathy perhaps ?

[ey****]

in short; kinda - no.   Nobody is born Dominant or submissive.

There may very well be personality in genetics that fits with these roles, but even then a lot depends on environment.   A lot in upbringing can also kinda nurture.   

But, in most cases - I mean, companies wouldn't have leadership courses if they could just pick out born leaders  

And even someone who maybe does have a lot of the behaviour and personality traits - this doesn't mean they can just pick up toys and use them, or understand empathy - etc

anyone who thinks they're natural anything usually has some form of attitude issue 

[latexlover68]

And effectually, the dominant is not really in control, the sub is. A dominant has a very high responsibility towards the sub and the sub needs to have absolute trust in the dominant to make this work.

[ma****]

I strongly believe that someone must have dominance or submission traits in their bones for them to be Dominant or submissive. Of course, there are things that need to be learned, however someone must have dominance and submission within their personality. Imagine a submissive being told to dominate someone. Could they learn to do it? Yes, obviously. But would they feel fulfilled and empowered by doing it? No, because at their core personality, they are submissive, not Dominant.

[ma****]

7 hours ago, shailer-park677 said:

Born sub Definitely I had submissive desires before I even knew what bdsm was

I totally agree. I have always been a submissive, just didn't have a name for it until 4 years ago. People should naturally feel that they are Doms or subs. Otherwise, it won't be fulfilling or empowering.

[ma****]

7 hours ago, SLCBeardedDaddy said:

Genetically I believe they’re born. I know people who can fake it well but there’s always going to be a certain level of discomfort when it’s being ***d.

I totally agree with that. Everyone could learn to lead or to submit, but just because those can be taught, it doesn't mean that people are going to enjoy it or find it fulfilling or empowering unless they naturally are Doms or subs.

[KeemDaVincii]

You have to have both to bring out the max in each other

[KeemDaVincii]

I’m a communicator and I want the same

[An****]

If being sub/Dom is genetic, does it run in families? It should isn't it?

In my opinion it is completely defined by upbringing. And not even by "upbringing" in terms of developing "leader" qualities but an upbringing that has more to do with creativity, an open mind, a thirst for new experiences and experiment...

[ey****]

3 hours ago, latexlover68 said:

And effectually, the dominant is not really in control, the sub is.

this is one of these myths that really need buried

because if the sub is the one really in control - then anything that goes wrong is surely on them?

that, while it's true the sub can safeword, set limits, etc etc etc - the same is also true for the Dominant 

[Co****]

Thankyou for replying everyone. Its an interesting one.

Different people do bring out different things in us.

I know that my 'evolving Sub' is definitely aroused when around the Dom types. The ones that feel genuine,  have that Confidence,  Experience,  Authority, Creativity,  Intelligence,  Articulate. 

A way with words.......that makes me catch my breath........

How much of that is learned?

Certainly the how to use rope, toys, safety,  etiquette , mindplay.?etc

But theres something more?

The X / Dom Factor ??😄

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, CosmicAngel said:

Thankyou for replying everyone. Its an interesting one.

Different people do bring out different things in us.

I know that my 'evolving Sub' is definitely aroused when around the Dom types. The ones that feel genuine,  have that Confidence,  Experience,  Authority, Creativity,  Intelligence,  Articulate. 

A way with words.......that makes me catch my breath........

How much of that is learned?

Certainly the how to use rope, toys, safety,  etiquette , mindplay.?etc

But theres something more?

The X / Dom Factor ??😄

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, safe use of gear is always learned, as are etiquette and quite a lot of other behaviours in kink. Articulation and Experience are 100% nurture. Confidence, Intelligence, Authority and Creativity are much greyer, taking from both nurture and nature. I think the Dom factor, though, is that desire for power but not in a manipulation or control sense. A Dom will often want to be relied on by their sub for care, pleasure, and any power play the pair might engage in. Even though alpha theory in ***s has been long disproven a Dom will, in my opinion, want to be like the pack leader. In charge and taking the lead, yes, but also nurturing and protecting their charge(s). 

[Th****]

Social and behavior sciences have long been areas of interest for me and are even a large part of my work. The answer is, it's both. "We" know that it's both. There have been so many studies on nature vs nurture this shouldn't even be a question anymore but there are many reasons that it still is. Ignorance, naivete, and ego being at the top of the list. 

I have a lot more I can add but it's still pretty early where I am and the brain isn't fully booted up for the day so I'll return later. 

 

[Co****]

3 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

Social and behavior sciences have long been areas of interest for me and are even a large part of my work. The answer is, it's both. "We" know that it's both. There have been so many studies on nature vs nurture this shouldn't even be a question anymore but there are many reasons that it still is. Ignorance, naivete, and ego being at the top of the list. 

I have a lot more I can add but it's still pretty early where I am and the brain isn't fully booted up for the day so I'll return later. 

 

Okay ThaliaV.......be kind to me 😄

[Co****]

Reiterating on comments made above from a Domme perspective:
I believe it’s both nature and nurture. IMO you are born with natural inclinations and personality traits and nurture makes/helps to bring those out.

However being a naturally “born” dominant is different in different contexts/situations.
The personalities traits can cross over/overlap or be completely opposing. One may be comfortable with one and not the other likewise one may get fulfilment from one than the other.
e.g. having the leadership skills in high profile jobs with the natural ability to take charge in one context while exerting control over others in another…

Having the natural ability to be dominant in D/s dynamics I believe it is an innate quality. It requires the ability to be commanding also the self control, emotional intelligence, self awareness, assertiveness, confidence, empathy and creativity.
With anything you can learn it (because even if you’re born with a quality you still have to learn aspects…) and you can act/fake it but imo it takes a mixture of these “natural” qualities for the person on the other side of the exchange to truly feel the benefit of the power dynamic.

This above being the likely the effect of your “one good and one not so good” experiences.

[Th****]

3 minutes ago, CosmicAngel said:

Okay ThaliaV.......be kind to me 😄

My response wasn't in any way meant to be unkind or snarky, especially not towards you. My general style of communication is very straightforward and direct and since there isn't any tone or expression in text some people can read me as being harsh when I'm really not being so at all. Several long standing members here can attest to that. 

I do, however, often get quite frustrated and feel the urge to 🙄 at some of the things other Dominants have to say when these types of topics and discussions come up.