kink trouble

[Deleted Member]

I recently broke up with a long term partner who I truly loved and cared for. She loves me too and still wants me to go back to her. The issue is she is not kink friendly. She used to love having sex and fun in our honeymoon period. Later she shifted to having sex because she wanted me to have fun and because it made ME happy. I never understood why or how she stopped enjoying sex as much as she did and why she started treating as a favor to me. Every time I talk to her about this, she used to tell me that she would get better and used to make promises about improving her mental health so we could get back to having fun. I waited for a year but she never got back to normal and started losing even more interest in having sex in general. I know she wasn’t cheating. But the problem is love is not enough. When I am with her, I feel trapped and like I am wasting my life. Is there anyway I could bring back the energy/ passion in her and have a happy life ever after. Let’s see what y’all have to say lol

[Ar****]

Is it sex is general which she appears to have lost interest in, or just (as the topic header suggests) kinky intimacy? If she's having MH issues then she needs support with that as a priority and not for a partner to be looking for ways to bring the spice back into a relationship when she is not ready for it. It's a pressure she doesn't need, and if you are feeling the way you describe then it's unhealthy for both of you - you're both going to suffer. It sounds as though you did the right thing separating, as hard as it was.

[my****]

Two things to talk to her about, antidepressants, and birth control. Either of those can end sexual desire in exactly the way you describe. I went through the same thing as you and in the end there was no recourse but to leave. We don’t always get that happy ending, so try to get her to seek help with the problem and if she won’t, be prepared to call it.

[Deleted Member]

As a woman who suffers MH episodes,
Three questions I’d be asking her in your shoes
1) when this lack of interest started did she start contraception of any kind (hormonal or synthetic types)
2) is she on antidepressants or beta blockers of any kind
3) would she try therapy to really work out the root cause of her sudden lack of interest ~I recommend she goes alone at first then maybe you join her after a few sessions

I gather she’s lost all interest of sex. But if it’s not and it’s just kink then I’d recommend you also rediscuss boundaries etc
Is she more willing certain times of the month

Not to sound sexist but majority (don’t come at me now people) majority of men ignore what hormones can do to us mentally, physically and emotionally without us women even realising ourselves

[Deleted Member]

Sometimes couples are better off as friends.

[AKA_Copper]

If, after a year you don't understand the reason for a loss of interest, then I would suggest that either she herself does not know, that effective communication was lacking or MH concerns were an excuse.
.
If you feel trapped when in a relationship with her, if you decide to indirectly call her "abnormal" and, if your'e considering returning to the relationship because you want your "happy ever after" rather than what you could offer her before ending your post with a "lol," I would suggest you leave her alone.

[do****]

If you’re not intimate throughout the day in non sexual ways she’s not going to be excited for anything. It will just feel like another chore. All long term relationships eventually go through a phase like this but it really boils down to how you take care of each other outside of sex to really fuel her desire for sex

[Pi****]

You haven’t mentioned anything going on with her. Like her age, are their kids, is something going on with her job, or personal life? Medications like someone else mentioned play a part, are you married? Or just fooling around? Maybe she is soured on the relationship because it’s not going anywhere? Maybe she thinks she’s wasting her life with you. For men sex is pretty mundane and easy - like taking a shit. You need to do it whether it feels great or not is immaterial. Women have an emotional connection that must be met for sex to be enjoyable. If it’s not enjoyable it’s just a messy chore. No thanks

[Shilo66]

You've had two lots of good advice to follow as listed below, but unfortunately, even if you do, the issues you've described, are ones that only she can fix / address if she was really willing to.

So unfortunately, your seeking of solutions won't make any difference if she doesn't want to look into them.

Given that you've already been waiting around for a year and things still haven't improved much... going by the information you've provided... then this strongly suggests as others have said, that it appears to be time to move on. 

 

7 hours ago, mythicalman said:

Two things to talk to her about, antidepressants, and birth control. Either of those can end sexual desire in exactly the way you describe. I went through the same thing as you and in the end there was no recourse but to leave. We don’t always get that happy ending, so try to get her to seek help with the problem and if she won’t, be prepared to call it.

 

6 hours ago, kinkybitchsc said:

As a woman who suffers MH episodes,
Three questions I’d be asking her in your shoes
1) when this lack of interest started did she start contraception of any kind (hormonal or synthetic types)
2) is she on antidepressants or beta blockers of any kind
3) would she try therapy to really work out the root cause of her sudden lack of interest ~I recommend she goes alone at first then maybe you join her after a few sessions

I gather she’s lost all interest of sex. But if it’s not and it’s just kink then I’d recommend you also rediscuss boundaries etc
Is she more willing certain times of the month

Not to sound sexist but majority (don’t come at me now people) majority of men ignore what hormones can do to us mentally, physically and emotionally without us women even realising ourselves

 

[DemonCandy]

You seriously need to be more empathetic and emotionally mature. She likely needs help with mental health and clear communication, some break from everything, and someone to give her time, care, and attention.

[Deleted Member]

Man, these responses are inconsistent with each other. I say don't go back. You'd each reset the other for your sexual incompatibility. It could be any proportion of you vs. her vs. external ***s. Before you take another long-term partner, make sure all your kinks are on the table. Also make sure your sex drive is compatible. Women tend to view sex as a way to bond an attraction (and no longer need to apply as much glue once you're snagged), and have unintuitive (to men) views on when and how much to re-apply. We men tend to do view self care, romance, and general attentiveness in the same way. When a woman is feeling less like having sex with you or less adventurous with you, you're probably not flirting with her the way she likes, not smelling or looking as good, etc. She wants to be attracted to the MAN you are, not the penis. And when we men think about it, a woman can't be replaced with a pocket pussy, either.

[AKA_Copper]

18 minutes ago, AZUnicornTrapper said:

Man, these responses are inconsistent with each other. I say don't go back. You'd each reset the other for your sexual incompatibility. It could be any proportion of you vs. her vs. external ***s. Before you take another long-term partner, make sure all your kinks are on the table. Also make sure your sex drive is compatible. Women tend to view sex as a way to bond an attraction (and no longer need to apply as much glue once you're snagged), and have unintuitive (to men) views on when and how much to re-apply. We men tend to do view self care, romance, and general attentiveness in the same way. When a woman is feeling less like having sex with you or less adventurous with you, you're probably not flirting with her the way she likes, not smelling or looking as good, etc. She wants to be attracted to the MAN you are, not the penis. And when we men think about it, a woman can't be replaced with a pocket pussy, either.

If the responses in comments appear inconsistent, I'd suggest it's due to the lack of detail the OP chose to provide but instead took an approach that screams of entitlement to sex from a partner

[DemonCandy]

18 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

If the responses in comments appear inconsistent, I'd suggest it's due to the lack of detail the OP chose to provide but instead took an approach that screams of entitlement to sex from a partner

Facts...

[DemonCandy]

37 minutes ago, AZUnicornTrapper said:

Man, these responses are inconsistent with each other. I say don't go back. You'd each reset the other for your sexual incompatibility. It could be any proportion of you vs. her vs. external ***s. Before you take another long-term partner, make sure all your kinks are on the table. Also make sure your sex drive is compatible. Women tend to view sex as a way to bond an attraction (and no longer need to apply as much glue once you're snagged), and have unintuitive (to men) views on when and how much to re-apply. We men tend to do view self care, romance, and general attentiveness in the same way. When a woman is feeling less like having sex with you or less adventurous with you, you're probably not flirting with her the way she likes, not smelling or looking as good, etc. She wants to be attracted to the MAN you are, not the penis. And when we men think about it, a woman can't be replaced with a pocket pussy, either.

He did say she liked to have sex, but in near past, something caused her to be disinterested in things they used to like.

[Co****]

As a friend use to say “there’s a reason it ain’t wet…” With the gaps in your OP about your “kink trouble” and her not being “kink friendly” I could raise a hint that the issue could just as much have been down to you.. did you start as a “vanilla” relationship and try to introduce kink maybe?

The passion, lust, excitement and exploration of honeymoon periods end quickly - realise that this period is technically rarely the “normal” that you insinuate you want to go back to.
If there is no compatibility in sexual interests or space to both grow your sexual interests together the cracks show soon after and the “chore” of the act sets in.

Loving and caring for someone isn’t the same as being “in love” and certainly not if you use the term feeling “trapped” and “wasting your life” so I would question why you feel she is the one to have your “happy life ever after” with her.

As someone said above some people are just meant to be friends.

[ma****]

Yesterday at 03:20 PM, dollfacexhotsauce said:

If you’re not intimate throughout the day in non sexual ways she’s not going to be excited for anything. It will just feel like another chore. All long term relationships eventually go through a phase like this but it really boils down to how you take care of each other outside of sex to really fuel her desire for sex

Exactly that. People don't just lose interest in sex just because... perhaps she isn't stimulated emotionally and mentally for having sex. If those stimulations missed from a relationship I'm in and my needs aren't met, then I'd definitely lose interest in having sex with my partner too.

[Vo****]

You mentioned mental health. Depression can lead to loss of libido. There are ways to fix that, if that is the problem. However, most anti-depressants can also have the same side effects. I am unsure what mental health issue it is. But many affect your sexual life as well.

[Deleted Member]

If you don't feel you've made a horrible mistake by breaking up... that nauseous feeling of panic.

I think you already know deep down you've made the correct decision.

[yo****]

Words are who someone wants to be actions are who they are. It’s not that she doesn’t like sex it’s that she doesn’t like sex with you…move on do not continue to fool yourself

[Deleted Member]

Perhaps her biology is ready for having *** and not kinkier sex..

[AKA_Copper]

2 hours ago, slow-and-lowdown said:

Perhaps her biology is ready for having *** and not kinkier sex..

I don't know what this means?

[Co****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I don't know what this means?

Exactly, a slightly clueless comment? A woman can be ready in body, mind and will to “procreate” and still enjoy kinky sex.
I’ve known couples who have thoroughly enjoyed this before, during and after.

[AKA_Copper]

13 minutes ago, Coco_De_Leche said:

Exactly, a slightly clueless comment? A woman can be ready in body, mind and will to “procreate” and still enjoy kinky sex.
I’ve known couples who have thoroughly enjoyed this before, during and after.

Slightly!
.
I'm just wondering when my 'biology' will let me know that I'm ready to have *** as if my head has no part in that decision-making 🤷‍♀️🙄

[Un****]

Hate to say it but people get bored. She likes the security but she isn't excited anymore. Story old as time. Statistics don't lie.