Trying to remove shame

[AG****]

going thru a 20 marriage over me not being kinky enough when i asked her what she liked and what type of play did she require i get anwsers like stuff and things oe to be spanked or flogges or paddled but she wouldnt say how she liked it slow hard or slave beating mode do you like to be teased or just ***fully in the end she chooses her fetish and new lover over me so 20 years wasted with someone that had kinks she refused to share but there was more to it than that she liked to be brused badly and i didnt like the looks i got when her dom and her would play and i hated seeing the bruses from anotherman on my wife .
But in the end im left putting out the dumpsterfire i call my life while she slowly walks away from the fire she lit then walked off from.Could be worse could have kids and a house to try to figure out whay the hell to do now.

[Princess_Mads]

I think you’re very handsome! Screw her if she can’t see your worth or even try to understand your sexual desires she doesn’t deserve you!

[Co****]

That absolutely resonates with me. I spent years feeling like a monster for wanting what I want. Then I went on a date with someone kinky and the validation I got in two hours over cocktails changed my life. Go out. Be seen.

[Deleted Member]

Totally get this mate. As is my experience with my recent longterm partner. However I've since found that people are much less closed off compared to her and it's gave me a huge boost in not only my visual confidence but also in being more open about what I'd like from someone else in a partner in sexual aspects. Communication is great now

[32****]

Be true to your self and be happy who every you want to be in life . I'm not vanilla but I'm bdsm all the way and it's very hard finding a true Dom with experience but . Heal and move on . And get your self together and find your true partner in time . Good luck

[Se****]

6 hours ago, mythicalman said:

I’m sorry to hear this. I went through something similar with my first long term sub. In the beginning it was all fun. Then little by little things began to slip away and she would fight and argue with me over basic protocols then the sex tapered off and we went along as a kinky couple with no kink. It turned out she was cheating on me, but I learned that after the fact. For me now, a dead bedroom with no outside factors like stress or family constraints heralds the end of the relationship. Two weeks without your partner initiating sex is a red flag. After a month, it’s time to weigh options.

Sex is an important part of an adult relationship. Without it you’re just roommates who care about each other.

I don’t agree with this.

Sex can be an important part of an adult relationship BUT it doesn’t have to be and categorically isn’t the be all and end all (although it definitely can signal the end). What is however important is intimacy and time and affection. These things are, in my opinion, what keep a relationship alive.

OP, compatibility is an important thing and it is possible for give and take but if you’re giving everything then it becomes one sided and resentment can set in. Everyone is entitled to like what they like but no matter how much people want to be together sometimes they aren’t compatible and that is ok. It isn’t however ok to make someone else feel bad and I’m sorry this happened to you.

 

[Yi****]

If your not happy, you have to make a change, it does suck you cared but you will not be happy, and will look for it elsewhere, it takes both sides to give and take, she lost you, but I'm not into men , you look ok to me

[Sa****]

She sounds narcissistic
You don’t need that
The whole purpose of being here is so you can meet someone doing the things you BOTH like and if that’s nothing so be it

[Mi****]

You simply weren’t compatible together.
Please do not feel any shame for what you are or how you feel.
It’s probably best it ended so now you can find someone that does suit your wants and needs.
Take time for yourself and heal and remember, there are plenty of people out there that will be compatible with you.
Don’t give up hope. There are plenty of others that’ll like you for who you are and what you look like.

[Ri****]

Absolutely.
I hear you.
Almost 20 years in a similar situation.
Pursue your honest self.
I did and I have found embracing hm who I am, what I want and what I need sexually to be the most wholesome and fulfilling thing I have ever done.
I am beginning to think I am attractive and appealing, because I have been able to find people who are attracted to me, rather than a false persona. The shame of liking what I like is gone, because now I am with people who want the same thing.
Be you true self… the memories of feeling shame and less than - fade quite quickly.

[cr****]

Some people will say anything to prevent you from being what you need to be!
Hi married young stayed with her for 26 years and raised two grade kids . Every time I try to explore my imagination, I was put down, called a pervert, so I endured years and years of little or purely vanilla boredom. Finally, after the kids moved out our sex, life began to change. It was getting hotter, wilder, and more satisfying..
I remain a loving, faithful husband, the whole time . Suddenly, one day it all changed when I discovered she was having an affair with her boss. I gave her every chance to rectify, but she was unwilling to lift finger. She insisted it was all in my head and that I needed to seek professional help for my insecurities. once I presented the proof she put up no argument at all, just empty promises. In fact, she refused to lift a finger to save the marriage, like it was all up to me. She liked being some rich dudes little office slut!
 Fast forward 10 years and I’m finally exploring ideas and desires that I had
40 some years ago, all I can say is, don’t waste your time fretting over her, she’s not worried about you. i’m enjoying my life to the best of my ability. Her narcissistic behavior, selfish ways Carrie no weight, and I no longer have to worry about being lied to and played a fool.
Life is short bro , find someone who f**ks you right

[yo****]

Unfortunately being sexually incompatible can effect attraction over time. There is a high chance that she sensed you wanted different types of experiences then what she could give you and it might have made her less confident, thus leading to her having less attraction to you.

This doesn’t mean you messed up or should have been different. Not being able to express your sexuality in a relationship is really not ideal. (I know you may be hurting from the loss at this time and I’m sorry about that) Like other people commented: there are people who will be compatible with you. And I would say sexual compatibility is the second most important right after moral compatibility.

[ch****]

Yeah but I cracked her eventually we frequently met other couples and went to sex clubs didn't save the marriage but had a fun couple of years tried alsorts

[Dedwid]

I nearly expirienced the Same as you. Only Vanilla stuff and everything got less and less. The Last 3 years a hug with an A** Grab of me was already to much. As time passed No hugs No Kisses nothing anymore. The Last 3 years i felt Like the Dog of the House (and Not in the kinky good way) Had tondo everything while she sat at Home playing videogames. She didnt Cook anymore, didnt get grocery, didnt Clean anything anymore. I was used to share all this stuff and that's totally fine to me. But at one Point everything was Put on my shoulders alone. Took me way to Long to realise it but yeah, finally free, lonely but free. So you arent alone with such Storys. I think we men are sometimes Just to used to everything and realise late what's going on. I tried to fix my marriage too for the whole years. In the end it was stupid to even try.

[sh****]

10 hours ago, yourdarling said:

Unfortunately being sexually incompatible can effect attraction over time. There is a high chance that she sensed you wanted different types of experiences then what she could give you and it might have made her less confident, thus leading to her having less attraction to you.

This doesn’t mean you messed up or should have been different. Not being able to express your sexuality in a relationship is really not ideal. (I know you may be hurting from the loss at this time and I’m sorry about that) Like other people commented: there are people who will be compatible with you. And I would say sexual compatibility is the second most important right after moral compatibility.

I would say sexual compatibility is the second most important right after moral compatibility. This should be the first thing that I run to the t shirt store today and have it printed out

[Co****]

I was with a big girl for years...I'm a convict health dork...no matter what I tried to change about myself to present to her she just chose to continue to be unhealthy...I couldn't bring myself to have sex with her...there has to be a common ground emotionally and physically. Bedroom play should be natural...its the greatest thing in the world when it is.

[AG****]

Divorce 20 years ended with my ex not telling me that she had certain Kinks and when she finally did she decided to be with the Dom and I broke my trust then decided to go out with another guy then get stolen by my unicorn can't make this sh*t up Bad episode of California

[Da****]

Most times it’s just conditioning them right. Anyone can be shocked by anything really. Go to gradually desensitize them to it before trying it

[Bi****]

I learn that most ppl are not themselves and they don’t want you to be yourself. Only advice I have is to be true to yourself and what you like and don’t like. We only live once and life is short

[Bi****]

Always ask for what you want. If you don’t ask you don’t get.

[mi****]

Finding like minded people is key. Be honest. If you have things you want to try pick just 1 thing that interests you most right now. Search for the person the wants that kink. You will usually find someone. Once you find someone open minded they may want to help you explore. If not repeat the process. Happy hunting

[tr****]

Learn to love yourself 1st

[Wa****]

Damn buddy. I’m a straight guy and you look pretty good to me 🤷‍♂️ 😂

Being kinky and young is hard. I was 22 when I finally had my first experience and was grateful when it finally happened because I knew there was at least one girl into what I was.

I struggled for a long time with shame before that and even a good while after. I was raised by feminists and taught to value women and here I wanted to tie them up.

I was very confused because on the outside I was always regarded as the sweet boy next door but behind closed doors it was very different.

Bottom line is there’s nothing to be ashamed of and if someone is making you feel that way then you’re not with the right gal.


I’d wager that most girls are at least accepting of kink even if they’re not into it. In other words they wouldn’t shame you for it. That’s certainly been my experience and I’m grateful for it.

[Li****]

Sh*t, exact same here, except there were no delusions about my hobbies. 6 f**king years of being told how wrong i am later...first woman i click with goes from kinky jeckly to hyde hates head over night. I learned my lesson i dont negotiate w terrorists at all now.

[Bi****]

Don’t let anyone ever dim your light! We are all individuals for a reason and usually if someone is “shaming” you they have unresolved issues within themself. People hate people that are confident, open and free spirited and know what they want. Speaking from experience