Shame

[Deleted Member]

An old friend and I have recently been discusing shame in detail, so I wrote her this to try and help her a little. She's now vanilla, and as far as I can tell happy. I have hidden names for obvious reasons and hope it maybe might help a little others, who may be feeling similar emotions.

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Theres a problem with shame…..its not always a negative thing as most may think, and as we age we can use it to become better, to become more.

 

You see there is a shame we should all carry, one of hurt caused to others…..unjustified hurt which we, most of us are guilty of. This shame is the one that those who are willing to grow eventually embrace…...even many years later…...sometimes thinking on that shame to evolve, and hopefully hurt others less. To own that shame is part of what some would call maturity, and it's a positive thing within a decent human being, a tool we use, as it's that shame that helps us walk a less turbulent path. Those that don't feel that shame are the most dangerous of individuals…..sociopaths, often worse, so it's ok to feel it…..it shows empathy, which is a vital ingredient in any decent human being.

 

However there is another type of shame…...a negative one, and unlike the one discussed in the previous paragraph helps no one.

 

This shame is useless, serves no purpose whatsoever…..for me is not even a real shame as it were. This is a shame society ***s upon us through conditioning from birth…..a shame that organised religion instils, a shame that our parents instil, a shame our friends and coworkers *** upon us every ***y day. 

 

This is a shame that we feel because who we are…..who we really are, does not match what they, be it society or religion, say we must be. According to them I'm a bad man…..a freak…..a pervert who must be avoided at all costs…..a very real threat to decency, and what is right. But you know me…..better than most….do I seem like a bad person just because I have a dark sexual nature…..which btw society again through shame ***d me to suppress for many years…..destroying one relationship after another, hurting good people in the process because I was conditioned to live my life as a lie. That inner shame actually caused ***, for myself and others, so who is right or wrong here…..me or society.

 

Let's use my father as an example as he from a very young age opened my eyes to the hypocrisy of it all…...a man who went to church, a man who to the outside world was decent…..a pillar of the community, yet in private was a drunk…..and when drunk spiteful and cruel. His *** was of an emotional kind to myself, my siblings, and my mother. Being a decent human being is about how one treats others….especially those who are struggling…...maybe down on their luck…..those with less than ourselves…..in private or in public. The man was nasty…...and the type of nasty I detest…..spiteful and bitter…...yet it only ever was displayed in private. That's the hypocrisy I see in many…..especially those who would try to shame me…..try to judge who I really am. It's the same old story of "he who is without sin shall cast the first stone."

 

I understand your shame…..how you feel when your sexuality is awake. It's taken me much thought to finally get it…..and I in no way am trying to heal that wound….as that's what it is…..an emotional wound that society as a whole has inflicted upon you. No I cannot help heal that….only you can do that….and maybe you never will….and that's ok, some wounds can never heal. 

 

In some ways your shame may actually lead you to a better life…..one of a white picket fence where you really do find that happiness I want so badly for you…..so it could be a positive thing. 

 

In some ways that shame as it did with me, may sadly lead you down a path of misery. One where eventually that suppressed sexuality becomes too much a weight to carry…..I hope not….and what I think doesn't matter. I write this to try and help you feel less shame, not to make excuses for it as it's a very real thing…...to you…..something that causes anxiety….but again whose shame is it really? Is it even real…...as it's a shame placed on you by others. Does it even really count…..or matter….as those who place that shame deep within your psyche, again are far from the perfect people they would have you believe.

 

Something I've never shared I will now. My ex wife was raised in a convent….in Ireland by nuns, abandoned by her parents at a young age. I know this will hurt you personally and I'm sorry for that….but there is a point. The *** she suffered as a young child from "the wives of God" is literally staggering…..I won't go into detail as it's very private and personal…..and some things when shared between two people should remain private. But there, right there, is the hypocrisy I talk of…...I'm amazed the lass even made it to adulthood, the amount of head fucks she had to deal with as a child…...its boils my piss…..angers me very very much, even now, but it hits the nail square on the head.

 

You have nothing in my opinion to be ashamed of…...all you are is a sexual creature…..in tune with millennia old base urges. We have spoke of this before…...so wont go into it too much…..but those like you and I…..just remember better who we as sexual creatures used to be…..before society brainwashed us into believing something else.

 

Emotions are funny things…..hard to actually quantify at times…..and to the one who feels them they can be, and are extremely powerful. I do not belittle your shame at all….its very real to you….and plays a huge part in shaping your character and personality but think about it…..do you really have anything to be ashamed of? 

 

You have, for you, taken the correct steps to deal with that shame…….and I'm behind you 100% as we just can't help how we feel. You I hope feel better, happier, more at peace with this move away from your sexuality, but don't ever forget…...really in the grand scheme of things you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of…..as long as you treat others as kindly as you possibly can, and when you do fall from that lofty perch,  as we all do at times….use that to become a better person…..that's how one finds the best life they can live.

 

So there you go…...my opinion only for what it's worth…..as I'm not you….and I don't feel what you feel. Try to reconcile that shame and let it go…..put it behind you…..something from the past….and as all things should be from the past leave it there and live the happiest life you possibly can. Don't ever allow the opinions of others to drag you down…..their opinions don't really matter that much…..what we think of ourselves….our own judgment of the person we are, however does xx

 

[ge****]

Beautifully written and just what I needed to read right now - not because of my sexuality and individual kinks, I came to terms with and embraced those a long time ago, though I did struggle and suppress them for a long time, and in some aspects of them still do, even though there is no shame in them.

I have however struggled with a few things over the past couple of days about self, and actions taken not only recently but historically, think it's that time of year when we all reflect to an extent - and that first part about shame being a positive thing that we learn from and become better people as a result really struck a chord.

Deep down I know I'm a decent person, know I'm thoughtful and considerate towards others, often at my own expense - it's my own sense of self that I struggle with and do take shame from, especially when, as you put it, I fall from the perch - and I think the biggest kindness you can do for yourself when you do take a fall is not only to learn from it, but forgive yourself too.

So thank you for this post, as I said, it's really struck a chord and helped at a time when I needed it.

[Dancingbear225]

I have long worked on discarding the shame I felt about not being or achieving what others or society expected me to do or be. I have always embraced the regrets for what I've done, or failed to do to be true to myself. I'm not sure if what I feel about that is shame or responsibility for my own actions.

 

[Vi****]

Thanks for writing this, it makes alot of sense and I agree so much with how we're supposed to behave and be because that's what's deemed acceptable in society. At a house party new years eve, I dared mention that I'd joined Fet and had been chatting to some interesting people, the so called friends there had so much to say about it. Made me feel like I was weird and it's not what people do, why was I doing this, they were worried for me. I understand why so many of us don't talk about who we really are with those who arnt into kink. The hypocrisy and judging is sickening sometimes.

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, Vic1077 said:

, they were worried for me.

That's a good thing to hear really......it shows they really are your friends. Sadly though that's the ignorance that many vanillas have towards kink/bdsm in general.....they fail to see or understand what enthusiastic informed consent is......or that trust and affection can be a huge part of who we are. Many think it's just a realm of the uncaring and psychotic......when on fairness many of us actually carry a higher moral code.

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, gemini_man said:

 I fall from the perch - and I think the biggest kindness you can do for yourself when you do take a fall is not only to learn from it, but forgive yourself too.

 

To fall from that perch is to be human.......and something I'm guilty of myself. I think what separates the good from the bad as it were is an ability to try to be better.....and to see those faults within ourselves. It's those that just dont care we should be wary of.

[ge****]

2 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

To fall from that perch is to be human.......and something I'm guilty of myself. I think what separates the good from the bad as it were is an ability to try to be better.....and to see those faults within ourselves. It's those that just dont care we should be wary of.

Wise and very true words in both of your above posts - something I struggle with is overthinking and self-forgiveness when I do fall from the perch, which drives me to try better....until the next time it happens!!

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Wise and very true words in both of your above posts - something I struggle with is overthinking and self-forgiveness when I do fall from the perch, which drives me to try better....until the next time it happens!!

Guilty as charged......same. we do sometimes repeat the same mistakes......again that's to be human, but I think there does eventually come a point where the lessons we sometimes inflict on ourselves do stick.

Forgiving ourselves is not an easy ask at times.....but the anxiety it causes along with the overthinking does hammer home eventually where we go wrong.

[CopperKnob]

Anyone struggling with these types of feelings, The Gift of Imperfections by Brene Brown is a good read

[Deleted Member]

Lovely, wise and heartfelt advice, Donny. I hope it helped your friend. Every word is true.