What Kinky Women Want

We have a question for you, how well do you think men know what kinky women want? Tough question, huh? Well, before you all start guessing, last year we used International Women’s Day as inspiration to ask a few questions to our BDSM and fetish community on what kinks and sexual fetishes women identify with. But, with the twist of asking men what they thought women’s answers might be, and the results are rather revealing…

While our survey captures a few hundred male and female identifying respondents - and focuses on predominantly heterosexual profiles, our results show that women are kinkier than men expect. Shocked? We certainly weren’t!  So, without further ado, let’s dish the detail.
 

What kinky women want Q1: On sexual relationships...

F: Are you..? (Monogamous, Polyamorous, Swinger, None of these).
M: What do you think most women consider themselves to be?

Our first question on sexual relationships and how kinky women identify brought an interesting result. Did you know that almost a third of kinky women respondents on Fetish.com didn’t identify as monogamous, polyamorous or swinger? 

Instead, 31% of women identified differently. While society, in general, is monogamous leaning, it’s interesting to see that although still a majority, monogamy certainly doesn’t rule the roost in our kink circles (hell, yeah to that!) 
 

When it came to asking men what they thought most women would consider themselves to be, 58% of men assumed that the majority of women would be monogamous.  Interestingly, fewer men expected women to be poly, swinger or identify differently. We wonder whether this is because society tells men that women are mostly monogamous - or could it be from men’s own experiences?  

What kinky women want Q2: On sexual roles, how do you identify?  

F: What role do you normally take? (Dominant, Submissive, Switch, None of these)
M: What role do you think most women take?

On the topic of sexual roles, we asked all women respondents about the type of role they usually assume, with the options being between Dominant, Submissive, Switch or none of those. Almost 2/3 of kinky women saw themselves as submissive and more identified as switch than dominant.

On the flip side, when men were asked what role they thought most women take, half of them thought most women would be submissive - and a third of guys thought women would be switch.   

What we found fascinating was that guys gave dominant traits to more women than the women respondents actually indicated; however, it would be interesting to know the roles of the men questioned (sub, Dom, switch etc.) Is this discrepancy because the male submissives answering the survey wanted to be dominated by women? Or is it that there are more submissive women on Fetish.com. It could very well be a mixture of both.

What kinky women want Q3: On BDSM archetypes, how do you identify?

F: Would you consider yourself to be? (Sadist, Masochist, Brat Tamer, Brat, Mummy, Little/girl, Voyeur, Exhibitionist, Rigger, Rope Bunny, Pet Owner, Pet).
M: Which of the above do you think most women identify as?

When asking female respondents this question on BDSM character traits, close to half identified as a ‘little’, where only 11% identified as a mummy in an age-play relationship. Is this indicative of women wanting a rest from the responsibilities of day to day life maybe?

On the other hand, men seem to have picked archetypes based around traditional women’s roles first, putting over a third of women interested in being a ‘mummy’, where it was only chosen by 11% of our women respondents. Take that patriarchy. 

Masochist was the third most popular archetype chosen by women with over a third of respondents choosing it. However, it was seventh on the men’s list with only a quarter of men picking this option. Is this because men don’t expect women to be into more extreme BDSM play or is it that they aren’t interested in kinky women masochists, so they have dismissed it as an option?  

What kinky women want Q3: What kinks & fetishes are you into?

F: What kinks & fetishes are you into? (Foot Fetish, Squirting, Fisting, Cutting, Watersports, ***, Electrosex Stimulation, Bondage, Spanking, Chastity, Breath Play,, Cock & Ball ***, Pegging, Clothing Fetish (latex/rubber/leather), Outdoor Sex, Cuckold, Age Play).
M: Which of the above kinks & fetishes do you think most women are into?

Did you know that guys who responded to our survey did well on guessing the two most significant fetishes/kinks that women are into? Spanking and Bondage were selected in the right order and with a similarly overwhelming majority. Outdoor sex is the next most often chosen fetish, and again, men get that pretty spot on. Then the differences begin to show...
 

Whereas men think as many kinky women are into fetish clothing as outdoor sex, women put it much further down their list. And where age play is picked by a similar number of male and female respondents, it’s down the list for women (9th popular choice) than for men (5th choice).

It seems that women are picking more fetishes than the men anticipated too. Twelve of the fetishes were picked by less than a quarter of the male respondents - whereas 12 of the 18 responses were selected by over a quarter of the women who took part. Perhaps this shows that women are kinkier than men expect or maybe it shows that men got bored of choosing options. It is indeed easier to pick kinks you know you have than to guess what someone else might be into.

Our ‘what kinky women want’ survey roundup

In day-to-day life, women’s experiences of how men respond to their kinks and fetishes can be pretty varied. However, some say it's universally accepted that guys on the kink scene are a little more knowledgeable and welcoming than those in the fetish world. What's your experience?

Here are a couple of quotes from kinky women on their experience of talking about BDSM and fetish with guys.

Ballet Bunny, a new face on the kink scene, find men want to project their kinks on to her:

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“Generally if I mention kinks in vanilla situations or when dating, men seem to get excited but not listen to my kinks - just their own (hence me deactivating every dating app). Men think they are kinky and I am kinky so we must be into the same things…On the scene, it's much, much better. Everyone does understand and respect different kinks..”

And fetish model HollyJay finds that letting men know she’s kinky leads to unwanted advances from vanilla guys:

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“Lots of guys read that you're into kink and will label themselves as "kinky" to try and get an easy lay, which is so annoying to see. My experience is they think it makes you easy but actually those of us on the scene tend to value respectful interactions and consent culture way more.”

So there you have it, folks, the answers to our survey left some questions unanswered but provided some interesting insights as to how kinky women define themselves as opposed to who men think women are - or indeed, want.  But, you know what? The best way to find out what women want is to ask us. As women, we're all different, and like everyone else, we just want to be treated right. 

Still begging for more? For further reading this International Women's Day, take a look at our article that looks at how BDSM empowers women to explore and play with their kinks and fantasies - and asks, if you harbour kinky desires, can you still call yourself a feminist?
 

Join in the kinky discussions on the Fetish.com forums or take a look at the dating profiles out there and maybe you could make a fun new kinky connection today!