Apearance

[Westernsky11]

I'm confessing to being insecure about my appearance when asking this. In order to date in this subculture do you have to look good? I do acknowledge that appearance can be subjective. My hope is that chemistry can be achieved through more than just one's appearance.

[BruiseWayne]

Here's the honest unfiltered truth, people like to downplay how important looks are. Looks actually tell a whole lot about you. Sometimes you can judge a book by it's cover, but despite that looks for most people are just what gets your foot in the door, and then chemistry and compatibility, etc is what invites you in and lets you stay a while. But you will be treated better or worse depending on who you're dealing with based solely off of how you look, whether the person means to do that or not. It's just how people are wired. No one wants to seem like they're superficial when the topic comes up either so they bend over backwards trying to convince anyone who happens to be paying attention ( and possibly themselves ) how little it actually matters, but it matters quite a bit. The good news is it's not the ONLY thing that matters though, and especially for men chasing after women your personality will count for a whole lot more than how you look unless you're in like the top 1% of ridiculously attractive looking people, lol. So to answer your question, yes most chemistry is only somewhat based on how you look and the rest comes down to how charming or funny and interesting and exciting you are. If you share the same moral framework with someone. If your interests and hobbies align, and if you have complimentary personality traits. If they think you're a good person, or someone they can see themselves starting a family with. And etc etc etc. Besides anyone who is only interested in you based off of how you look isn't someone you want to be with in the first place. Hope that helps.

Edited November 27, 2024 by BruiseWayne

[Lo****]

Bruise actually explained it pretty well.
Looks matter, but they are subjective so the person one person finds SUPER hot might be meh to someone else.
Also chemistry is by no means just looks. It can be attitude, presence, smell, humor, etc etc. I've had guys who looked good but had zero chemistry with when I got to know them. Another guy was meh, but became the sexiest man on earth to me after we met. 🤷 It is not all looks. But yeah, looks are a factor.

[BruiseWayne]

TY, and yes a lot of what people find attractive looks-wise is definitely subjective too. I forgot to mention that.

 

Also I should add that even chemistry is subjective. Maybe even more so than looks.

 

Some people will value certain things way more than others will, and some people will ngaf about things that make you seem like the sexiest person on earth to someone else.

Edited November 27, 2024 by BruiseWayne

[Kl****]

From my personal experience:
If women are looking for ONS, there is no reason for them to care about anything else but looks (maybe also a bit of status) - and so they dont (there might be a few exceptions).
If women are looking for closer relations, then there are things much more important - like character and status.

What I want to say is, keep your head up! Dating success is something that is mainly driven by your actions and less by your "genetics". In other words, no, you do not have to look good - but it helps 😄

[ge****]

Looks aren't everything and hey if some one looks fit well built and good looking don't mean they are that special in the bedroom I've dated women that are so hot and fit and shocked them in the bedroom to the point I've had compliment of never expected me to be so amazing in bed .. I ain't Jean Claude van dam I'm just me .. be you thats what counts

[Sc****]

Geedaddy completely agrees with you on this , try to look your best be as fit as you are comfortable with good hygiene and a great attitude go further than you would think . I also have the honor of being complimented on my skill level by a leg shaking ,woman

[De****]

2 hours ago, BruiseWayne said:

Here's the honest unfiltered truth, people like to downplay how important looks are. Looks actually tell a whole lot about you. Sometimes you can judge a book by it's cover, but despite that looks for most people are just what gets your foot in the door, and then chemistry and compatibility, etc is what invites you in and lets you stay a while. But you will be treated better or worse depending on who you're dealing with based solely off of how you look, whether the person means to do that or not. It's just how people are wired. No one wants to seem like they're superficial when the topic comes up either so they bend over backwards trying to convince anyone who happens to be paying attention ( and possibly themselves ) how little it actually matters, but it matters quite a bit. The good news is it's not the ONLY thing that matters though, and especially for men chasing after women your personality will count for a whole lot more than how you look unless you're in like the top 1% of ridiculously attractive looking people, lol. So to answer your question, yes most chemistry is only somewhat based on how you look and the rest comes down to how charming or funny and interesting and exciting you are. If you share the same moral framework with someone. If your interests and hobbies align, and if you have complimentary personality traits. If they think you're a good person, or someone they can see themselves starting a family with. And etc etc etc. Besides anyone who is only interested in you based off of how you look isn't someone you want to be with in the first place. Hope that helps.

My phrase is looks attract but hearts keep.

[ge****]

Scrapman412 thank hey love it when a woman shudders quivers and shakes .. know they are getting the desire and pleasure they want then .. defo agree just be yourself

[Dee6617]

Don't worry too much about things. There is someone who is looking for the man that you are. If you please her she will be yours my friend. Good luck in your search.

[Sc****]

Western sky11 Denver kitten makes a Good point be yourself and the right one will come along. Just don't let the fake losers and ghosting get you down ,that is the way a lot of ppl are . Keep your head up she is out there

[Deleted Member]

I’m going to put aside my own views of beauty standards for a moment, and try to answer the question as you’ve asked it. In my experience, the BDSM sub culture is the only community I’ve noticed where there can be a disproportionate difference between the subjective level of attractiveness and age of male Doms relative to their female subs. I’ve seen much older, overweight guys in their 60s, with subs who are conventionally pretty, with athletic bodies and much younger than them. I make no comment on whether I approve or disagree with this. In my experience, good, safe, reliable Doms in the scene who have practiced their skills well, and treat women with respect are hard to find. But I say this only with reference to BDSM events and not in relation to the Fet app specifically. Dating apps are shallow and very focused on appearance. I’d suggest you’d do better to go into FetLife, find some munches and start there. That said, if you do, please treat everyone with respect and go into it looking for friends, not looking to pick up all the younger women and treating them as potential partners. If you can go into it with no agenda, and treat people as real human beings, listen to people’s advice and learn to do kink safely, I’m reasonably confident you would k be able to find some people open to play.

[OralSlut]

They say "be yourself and the right one will come along" that's bullshit. I was told that in my 20s I'm in my 60s and still waiting for the right one to come along.

It's only a problem with western women.
The old saying "if I knew then what U know now": If you can afford to, go to eastern Europe or Asia and find "the right one".

[Deleted Member]

Well... BruiseWayne already said it well.... Let's take a look at flowers: Am sure you will pick more likely beautiful ones, exotic ones or rare ones. People avoid dried up ones, average weed flowers or withered. Well you are kinda right, flowers are flowers, and every flower is beautiful and unique on their own if you take a closer look. Same goes with ***s like cats or whatever.
.
However, we people don't have that much time to take to look at anything we meet, thus leading to the first glance think. The person might have an amazing personality, but at the first meeting it still depends a lot on your appearance, eyes, brows and smile. That's where the chemistry starts. Not the omg he's so ugly but has a warm heart.

[BruiseWayne]

9 hours ago, DenverKitten said:

My phrase is looks attract but hearts keep.

That's a very good tl;dr of what I said yeah, lol.

[BruiseWayne]

6 hours ago, OralSlut said:

They say "be yourself and the right one will come along" that's bullshit. I was told that in my 20s I'm in my 60s and still waiting for the right one to come along.

It's only a problem with western women.
The old saying "if I knew then what U know now": If you can afford to, go to eastern Europe or Asia and find "the right one".

It's not a problem with 'western women' it's just human nature. Looks are important. It's sad but true. People try to downplay it for a whole host of reasons but still. They matter quite a bit. If you think that Asian or European women aren't going to judge you based off of looks too you're dreaming. Unless you're implying they have less of a choice or something else, which is kinda gross, it's not going to be a whole lot different than it is here in the states.

 

Not that it isn't shitty to just ghost someone on sight after you been talking for a while and they finally reveal their face though either.

[OralSlut]

Eastern women are just raised differently and value the heart and relationship more.

[De****]

2 minutes ago, OralSlut said:

Eastern women are just raised differently and value the heart and relationship more.

Would you say that interact you are interested in women regardless of their looks. Any woman, no matter weight, height, age, race you are interested in? You never take looks into account, not at all. You don’t care about looks ?

[OralSlut]

3 minutes ago, DenverKitten said:

Would you say that interact you are interested in women regardless of their looks. Any woman, no matter weight, height, age, race you are interested in? You never take looks into account, not at all. You don’t care about looks ?

Looks are not that important I had a GF that was kind of rough looking but we had the greatest sex.

I also dated a Chinese girl. She was wonderful. She didn't gaf about my looks at all and me being older was actually a plus.

[De****]

5 minutes ago, OralSlut said:

Looks are not that important I had a GF that was kind of rough looking but we had the greatest sex.

I also dated a Chinese girl. She was wonderful. She didn't gaf about my looks at all and me being older was actually a plus.

My point is that if you want women to not care about looks, you better not care about them whatsoever. It goes both ways. Women of any continent to have a right to pick who they want to be with. Even if you don’t like that reason, it’s their choice not yours. Maybe it was never about your looks. I care about looks less than most, and I’m American. You shouldn’t stereotype.

[OralSlut]

13 minutes ago, DenverKitten said:

My point is that if you want women to not care about looks, you better not care about them whatsoever. It goes both ways. Women of any continent to have a right to pick who they want to be with. Even if you don’t like that reason, it’s their choice not yours. Maybe it was never about your looks. I care about looks less than most, and I’m American. You shouldn’t stereotype.

My point is im not stereo typing or judging like you are, im speaking from a lifetime of real life experience.

What part of "I dated a Chinese girl and she didn't care about my looks and me being older was a plus" did you not care to read?

Regardless of how judgemental you are there really are major cultural differences in different parts of the world that inform people's value system.

As for "having rights to choose", men have a right to NOT choose snooty, stuckup, judgemental, materialistic freaks who are more into themselves than real life.

It has also been my real life real world experience that the better looking a girl is the more skewed her version of reality is.

[Un****]

29 minutes ago, OralSlut said:

My point is im not stereo typing or judging like you are, im speaking from a lifetime of real life experience.

What part of "I dated a Chinese girl and she didn't care about my looks and me being older was a plus" did you not care to read?

Regardless of how judgemental you are there really are major cultural differences in different parts of the world that inform people's value system.

As for "having rights to choose", men have a right to NOT choose snooty, stuckup, judgemental, materialistic freaks who are more into themselves than real life.

It has also been my real life real world experience that the better looking a girl is the more skewed her version of reality is.

youre in your 60’s and your profile says 49. Thats skewed really far from reality.
again you’re stereotyping in every possible way that you can.

So much to unpack here. you need to look inward. apply your expectation’s of others back to yourself. isnt saying good looking women have skewed versions of reality judging on looks? 🤔

[BruiseWayne]

11 hours ago, OralSlut said:

My point is im not stereo typing or judging like you are, im speaking from a lifetime of real life experience.

Your personal experience doesn't extend to the entire rest of the world though.

[Sc****]

BruiseWayne agreed. However why do ppl think they are soo much better than someone else . We are all just ppl. Soo what if we are kinks ? If you are approached by a person and have no attraction. Be honest and say no thank you . There is no reason to ghost or mislead also you don't have to explain your reasons. Just be decently polite. Just my thoughts on the matter

[Deleted Member]

I don’t believe looks are important because the more “good looking” a person, usually the more issues they come with. Being confident and secure regardless of what one looks like without arrogance is attractive to most