No is a big word!

[Deleted Member]

My latest article is all about rejection and how to handle it:

 

Have you got any hints and tips for dealing with those times when you ask for play or a kinky relationship and you get a no? 

[Pe****]

Yes, don't ask straight out. Learn the art of flirting and see what happens. If it happens, it happens. If you get a cool reception, back away with your emotions intact.

[Robustlove]

In the context of D/s relationships the word “No”, is vital for both Dominants and submissives and neither should be shy of using the word.

 

Now that may sound odd to many when talking about Dom’s but far too often in the past I have seen Dominants in D/s relationships with submissives who are not well matched. In these types of situations a submissive may want to take *** and *** much further than the Dominant is prepared for or can handle. Remember not all Dominants are 100% sadists - or what I would call extreme sadists – and often even Dominants have their limits of where they draw the line. In a case where a submissive wants more from a Dominant than they are comfortable to give then saying no is vital. It may upset the submissive or make them angry that you will not take things as far as they wish, but saying no can avoid burn-out and emotional distress that can ruin any good Dominant and cause them to retreat from the lifestyle and D/s relationships in general. There is nothing quite so sad as seeing a fellow Dom who has been pushed too far by a submissive, not felt comfortable saying no and setting his or her own boundaries and is then left full of self-loathing and regret.

 

For submissives saying no is every bit as vital, especially when meeting or getting to know new potential Dominants. Saying no sets your boundaries out firmly from the get go and let’s the Dominants know what you are and are not prepared to engage in and where you real interest lie. This is also a good test of a new Dominant, as a good Dom will respect the word no, whereas a more dangerous or fake Dom will push or attempt to circumvent the “No”, and turn it into a yes. Not every submissive will want to experience the great wealth of different toys or types of play many Dom’s would like to explore with them and in this context saying no is a form of empowering your consent and ability to consent to the type of play you are comfortable with.  

 

Now on the flip side how do you deal with being told “no”, and the rejection that comes with that? Well firstly if you are being told no or turned down as a potential partner then *** not; not everyone that we meet will like or resonate with us. Just because someone has turned down your advances towards them, doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong, or indeed that there is anything wrong with you as a person, it simply means that you are not right for that particular person and that is fine because there will be many other people you will be right for. No matter how attractive in physical form or mind anyone is there will always be a spectrum of likeability and some people will lean more towards attraction and positive results and some will lean more towards the negative, but that’s normal and natural.

 

If you are in a relationship whether it’s Vanilla or BDSM themed and your partner say’s no to something, then the onus is on you to respect their decisions and wishes, to go no further with what you have asked of them and not to pressure them to comply if they are not comfortable with the request. The trick is not to take this personally as more often than not this type of “no” or rejection is about the person who has said no and what they either like or feel comfortable with and has little to do with the person they are saying no to and as such this should not be taken negatively; instead this should be taken as a positive because you have simply found another limit or boundary safely without running the risk of taking things to far in any type of scenario or play session.