The Secret Life of a Solo Sub : Permission

[J_****]

How many times have I heard my vanilla friends say, "You don't need my permission," or better still, "You know the answer.  You don't need me to  tell you what to do."?   Or for that matter, "Why haven't you asked for help instead of struggling on your own?". They think it's martyrdom.  Believe me, it's not.

It's been my nature for as long as I can remember to be submissive and to defer to others.  Even as a young child I remember my sister asking for sweets in the shops and I felt so indignant that she should dare to be so bold.  When my father would reach in his pocket and give me a quarter I would often ask him, "Are you sure?".   I was never materialistic, and often felt anxious when asked what I want.  Hell, I still do.

I thrive on structure and boundaries.  I need to know where I stand with people and what is allowed and what isn't.  This is my nature.  So when someone asks me how they can help, or what can they do for me I really struggle to answer.  It's not about feeling unworthy of their support.  It's about a deep seated fear of overstepping the undefined boundaries.  Fear that I may ask too much.

I have upset many of my vanilla friends because they feel hurt that I don't open up or don't ask for their support when I'm so very willing to give anything to help them out.  I'll accept help when it is offered.  I just can't bring myself to ask for it.

What do I need?  Defined boundaries.  Clear rules and expectations.  And most of all, permission.  Permission to speak freely and openly.  Permission to be myself.  Permission to make the hard decisions.  And most of all permission to live my truth.

But I won't get that because they just don't understand what it's like to be submissive.  You see, I understand that there is a lot of responsibility that comes with being dominant.  And for those who are not dominant the pressure of that responsibility can be too much to bear.  And thus we reach a stalemate.

And so over time, without the direction and support of a dominant ego, the anxiety grows.  Because having to make choices that affect those around me feels like life is forcing me to take on a dominant role that I'm not equipped to handle.  And the craziest thing of it all is that I could happily and confidently make those choices if I just had someone who could tell me, "You know what you have to do.  It's time to crack on and do it."

And of course the occasional, "Good girl!  Well done." wouldn't go amiss either. 😉

[Deleted Member]

So much yes to ALL of this!! I feel exactly the same way sometimes. I’ve found that talking about it with my best friend (she’s totally accepting & not judgmental about any of it) really helps. Opening up about it was super hard at first given that she’s not in the “lifestyle”. Find that safe person, create your support network and over time that anxiety will resolve itself. For me, acknowledging that my “little girl” sub side is a valid & lovable part of me has helped my “big girl adult” side make those dominant decisions. You CAN do this 💕💕💕

[J_****]

1 hour ago, RebelSpacePrincess said:

So much yes to ALL of this!! I feel exactly the same way sometimes. I’ve found that talking about it with my best friend (she’s totally accepting & not judgmental about any of it) really helps. Opening up about it was super hard at first given that she’s not in the “lifestyle”. Find that safe person, create your support network and over time that anxiety will resolve itself. For me, acknowledging that my “little girl” sub side is a valid & lovable part of me has helped my “big girl adult” side make those dominant decisions. You CAN do this 💕💕💕

Thank you.  It helps to know not only that I'm not alone in the way I feel, but also that there's a chance of that improving.  I know that my biggest source of anxiety is from not fully living my truth.

 

Only recently did I discover that by keeping these things hidden I've not only been hurting myself, but have also hurt close friends when I opened up.  Because I'd never mentioned them sooner.  Chicken and egg again... hurting myself by not being fully open about what makes me who I am, or hurting others when they discover that I wasn't comfortable opening up sooner. 🙄

[JovialJoshy69]

I struggle with boundaries too. Need to know if I can let my fantasy run wild or be restrictive.