New Dom. Seeking Advice

[Ma****]

I am a new Dom, looking for advice from more experienced. I have had 2 subs, so far, and that didn't go the way I had expected. I am not sure if I was overbearing or just my inexperience came through. For instance, it was agreed that outfits were to be approved by me. Also, I expected a text at some point through the day. I was told that it was just too overwhelming. Both were in a relationship, where the husband was unaware of their activities. I am not sure if that played a role in their decision or not. Your insight would be appreciated.

[No****]

I think you need to mutually agree on expectations within the dynamic.

[na****]

Well the whole smeakin around is a deal. Breaker anyways ,they can't commit fully so I would not beat yourself up to much ok

[We****]

You really don't have to look much further than "their husband was unaware". I just don't think they can be properly submissive if they're also worried about getting caught.

[Mi****]

Communication is the key

[Sweetestsadist]

I would guess that the unaware husband aspect is what their issues were. Outfit approval and a text during the day, aren't hard for a sub to accomplish. Especially since it was agreed upon.

[Ar****]

It's possible you came across as overbearing. How did you speak to them? Did you treat them with respect?

Regardless, you're seeking advice so here is mine. Don't fu*k around with non-consensual situations like these. They do not end well, for a great number of reasons.

[Ma****]

1. If they're sneaking around and not ENM then that should already be a deal breaker
2. Ask questions to see if you're both a good fit. There are different types of Doms (for example, I'm more of a nurturing type as opposed to sadistic type).
3. Don't be afraid to start slowly, with vanilla sex then slowly introduce toys, outfits etc, instead of jumping straight in

[Deleted Member]

I think there were multiple factors.
One their husbands weren’t aware which is always going to end badly
Secondly a text during the day isn’t a lot to expect but outfit approval around non-consenting partners isn’t going to work out.
The fact you’re aware you’re inexperienced and still learning the ropes is a good sign, so I hope you find some answers

As a switch I’ve been both the sub and the domme in a dynamic, patience, good communication and honesty are vital.
My current sub is married, wife has given consent to him having relationships with other people, she just doesn’t want to know who or any details. So I respect that when he’s at home.

I also don’t place expectations on him that I wouldn’t be comfortable doing myself.

I’ve seen other users have said start slow based around more vanilla things before making demands, I think this is great advice

As if a dominant person starts demanding things from me with no willingness to compromise or respect that I may not be comfortable with something immediately makes me switch off and disconnect, as this person isn’t someone who respects me as a person not just a role

[Deleted Member]

Plenty of things could have happened here. Maybe it was overwhelming and the thoughts of this were more arousing than the commitment. Maybe the progression was too fast and frightened them. Maybe they can't commit to your rules because they can't commit to the men they are supposed to be in love with (ie they can't commit at all).
Id recommend only playing with folks in ENM relationships and who are single. And to take some classes, read some books, etc. It may give you more tips on the situation.

[Fr****]

Yeah don’t take the blame on urself fully there may have been mutiple reasons at play from the circumstances at hand. So don’t take it upon yourself although would say try not to go with ones who aren’t fully transparent with their parents since it will only give me headache than pleasure in future for almost all parties involved

[Ro****]

This comes from a solo poly sub for the past decade to different doms. I understand my preference may not suit all subs . However, you did ask. It can be overwhelming to try to give power outside the bedroom if you already have a "main" significant other who is not involved or unaware. And yes, a simple text or letting someone "approve an outfit" is a sort of power.
When you have a sub that is also involved in another relationship. You would do better to respect their autonomy when they are outside direct contact ( in person). Otherwise, it's just set up to fail. Agreed upon or not.
It's also a possibility it's not the right compatibility within the individual preferences.

[Sc****]

Doms and subs sometimes don’t get along. Some doms need something and some subs need other things. It seems controlling is something you like. But some subs don’t like controlling but look for immobilization for example. It is better to talk first, and accept you and the other look for other things.

[GreyHogandBrat]

Any time there is deception between your subs and their significant others, there will be deception with you. If they will hide things from people they "care about", you have zero assurances you are getting honest input and feedback. Just a big red flag and a "NO" for me. But, good luck. You may be in for chaotic times.

[Deleted Member]

Everything should be agreed upon. Plus adding husbands into the mix makes doing anything physical close to impossible. You need to learn what's practical a d not just live in a fantasy world 

[Ai****]

Ok, if you’re going to be a party to cheating, then you have to deal with all the drama that comes with that. I’m not judging the activity, I’m just saying that there will be drama.

Next, Dominating someone is a real responsibility. And one where you should do your homework and preparation BEFORE taking on a sub. Much less 2.

[An****]

Being a full on dom is more of a responsibility than most people realize. It's not just a completely fetishized thing. Sure it can be a fetish but that's only to a certain extent, a sub is not your sub if she already w someone else. And if she's doing that behind their back than who knows what they have in store for you in the future. Start over and learn from your experiences. There is no real "way" to be a Dom it's just kind of, you are or you aren't, there's always learning that comes with it but it's more or less how you carry yourself, how you act, demanding a message every day for example, I get how that can be dominant but it also comes off needy. Women love to hate the fact that they aren't wanted and that you can live without them. So in a way, dominate thy self before dominantimg othera young grasshopper 🙏

[ja****]

As a domme I must say never deal with the married ones or the ones who are not in a open relationship because they are in secret and it will get overwhelming for them to make choices with you which then leads you in a position in doing thing on their terms

[Se****]

I personally wouldn’t Dom someone who is in a relationship without the significant other is unaware so I can build that level of trust between me and my subs as well as their significant others. I agree with the previous comments about the dramas of mistrust and hiding.

[Th****]

Those are very simple tasks that they should obey and excuses should not be made. It shows that they are truly not ready for this or committed to being owned by a Dom. 

[un****]

Here's probably the best advice I can give and maybe some of the best you may get depending on how you view it. If you want to start a d\s relationship with someone who has a partner and that partner has no idea, don't. Trust me it's not worth even thinking about it, there are plenty of others who are in relationships who are okay with this type of thing. If you find yourself in that situation with their other partner aware of you you need to realize you are still a side piece and are not that submissive's first priority if even top five. Now if you start a relationship like that with a partner who is single and who is willing then the first big talk is gonna be on the limits of the relationship, need to set up the core do's and don't before anything. Also make sure you both set up a timeframe where you both can go over the rules and allow for changes, just because in the moment you agreed to it doesn't mean it's something that will always be okay because who knows someone may want to add or subtract from the list (I recommend every three months in the beginning).

[Deleted Member]

You need to ask lots of questions at the start before the dominate even beings. I would ask about what they want from a dom what they have gotten from doms in the past and what parts they injoyed and hated. Then you can move to both your and there limits.

[Mr****]

Consider that someone who is married and meeting doms online may just be looking for a thrill and may not be entirely serious about the D/s dynamic

[Deleted Member]

I have been active in the community for more than 20 years as a Dom.

To start with, as a new Dom, you need to explore what reasons you feel that being a Dom is right for you. That doesn't mean you aren't a Dom, but you need to make sure that you are a Dominant. One of the biggest misconceptions in the BDSM community is that a Domineering personality makes you a Dominant. That is not the case at all.

There is a lot involved to being a Dominant. Before you take on a submissive, I suggest doing some reading and studying and inner exploration to discover what you are truly trying to get out of a Dynamic. There is a lot of responsibilities involved, and you can absolutely hurt someone and *** a submissive emotionally and mentally if you have no idea what you're doing, which is no better than being in a relationship and emotionally and mentally abusing your significant other.

Third, if they are willing to step out on their husband/wife, there is absolutely no reason for you to have any hope that they will be trustworthy enough to tell you everything that needs to be shared, and that is especially important in a Dynamic.

Don't rush in to this. Do some research and self- exploration. Before you hurt yourself or someone else.

[Ke****]

Find subs that have permission from their other partners to be in a D/s dynamic with you. You need full honesty with all your partners and all your sub's partners; This applies to both sexual partnerships and nonsexual partnerships.