New Dom. Seeking Advice

[ky****]

An unaware husband? A outfit approval and a text during the day is overwhelming? Sounds like they are as committed to the dynamic as they are their husband

[Ve****]

So... the partner hasn't given consent to these experiences and you want advice on how to do this better??? Wow.

[Ed****]

Dismiss them and move on. You're a dominate for f**ks sake. Are you not?

[LustAndLogic]

Dealing with the requirement of keeping yourself available for your Dom or your sub while keeping the relationship hidden from your spouse is indeed a difficult challenge. I am always open about my cheating to my subs (as the sin of forbidden desire is part of my kink) but it requires someone who has the understanding, the mental capacity and the willingness to handle the situation without drama, which is quite rare. Always try to be as transparent as possible and clearly communicate your expectations, but also be mindful of the fact that your sub has to deal with their double life and thus cannot always be available for you.

[Di****]

I don’t know? What to you want to happen. What’s your motivation here? Are you self aware and examining your own needs. Y’all may just be reeling and selfish for stimulation. But there’s nothing new under the sun.

[Wi****]

For me it wouldn't have gone any further than the husband didn't know.

Personally,I am not interested in online. Talking is fine but online it's not always easy to know exactly who you are communicating with

Finding someone for real life is not always easy but it certainly has a totally different feeling about it.

Everyone has their way to do things.

My advice to you would be to find a real life experienced sub in your are. Find a group in your area and go to a munch. Go to BDSM events in your area and get to know people

Online isn't the best place to get experience. You never know what you will find.

Online is fine for contacts and networking.

But I suggest you really decide on what you are looking for and find mentors in your area.

[al****]

BDSM is a commitment and a trust. I see it as being more involved and sacred or serious than a marriage vow. I know more about my sub than I ever did about my first or second ex-wife. There should be no acting. No social mask. Just two, or more, people agreeing to a set of rules to live buy and enjoy life, and the pleasures of each other's bodies and desires.

I've had many experimenter in my life. I'm sure that's what you experienced here. Don't take it personally. Finding the right fit isn't easy. Continue to learn and grow. While I'm more experienced than an 18 YO I'm still growing and learning. Each Sub will have different needs and desires specific to them. That's the beauty of this world. There is no wrong answer as long as you are trying to meet their needs and be the best DOM for that specific Sub.

[Deleted Member]

So... cheating is gross and unethical.

There are four pillars to this lifestyle, and honesty is one of them, so you participating in cheating shows a core lack of character.

You are not a dom. They are not subs. You are all just selfishly playing games.

This lifestyle only works with education and consent. Anyone who will encourage this behavior is equally lacking in what's required to succeed.

The steps are education, then vetting, then negotiating, then lastly an attempted dynamic.

[kinkymasterandrew]

Cheating aside, expecting a text at some point seems unclear. BDSM also requires a lot of communication, so they should have expressed their feelings before ending it, but they may have tried or not felt comfortable to do so. Try to establish and maintain a bidirectional communication trend where both of you can express concerns openly and without ***.

[kinkymasterandrew]

Or without worry?

[Ke****]

I agree 100% with @Windwolf. Online you will often just get scammers and other fake people. Goto Fetlife* events. Go to munches and other social events without vetting requirements. Then get vetted for the party events you most want to attend. You will meet real people in person and maybe some of them with have time to play with you as subs.

Edited February 28, 2025 by FETMOD-TF
*External link removed

[Si****]

18 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Don't fu*k around with non-consensual situations like these. They do not end well, for a great number of reasons.

^^^^^ What he said

[mo****]

And that is the reason I don't want people who are already in a relationship. Too difficult to reach a compromising relation. I just don't wish to be the side dish. Also don't think if they were consented don't know if there were more than two rules or demands. For me it has been the other way around, me a sub with no partner, them with partner it becomes frustrating if you have to wait for them to be able to answer you or give them their approval of an outfit till afternoon. make just no sense for me.

[Ma****]

Thanks, everyone, for the continued likes and for confirmation of what I guess I already knew. So, with that being said, my question now is, should I only look for connections where they are not in a relationship? If they are but feel that he is dominant enough, how do I approach that, or do I not even get involved?

[na****]

I was just saying I'm not into people who cheat or hurt others that's all,n I'm of my choice it's yours ,I mean its between u guys ok ,good luck

[mo****]

I do It, i need the full atención. Si ya only look for singles. It makes it a little bit more complicated but I prefer be single than be engaging en what I know is not fulfilling for me.

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, LetsTalk69 said:

Thanks, everyone, for the continued likes and for confirmation of what I guess I already knew. So, with that being said, my question now is, should I only look for connections where they are not in a relationship? If they are but feel that he is dominant enough, how do I approach that, or do I not even get involved?

Whether you feel somebody's husband "is dominant enough" or not is absolutely zero concern of yours.

Why would it be? If you felt the husband of a woman you knew was a terrible cook would you involve yourself in the preparation of their meals? Or if they were a poor financier would you insert yourself into their banking affairs?

[Se****]

13 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Whether you feel somebody's husband "is dominant enough" or not is absolutely zero concern of yours.

Why would it be? If you felt the husband of a woman you knew was a terrible cook would you involve yourself in the preparation of their meals? Or if they were a poor financier would you insert yourself into their banking affairs?

I don’t disagree with what you’re saying here but I do just want to say I think you may have misread what the author typed.

”if they are but feel…”

not

”if they are but I  feel…”

my inference would be that they were referring to how the wife felt about their husband not how they (the author) personally felt. 

[na****]

I don't care.
screwing around isnt my thing,it's cheap disrespectful and stupid ,if people like that so be it ,maybe karma will hit then ,but don't ask for advice next tomd

[na****]

Ti.me I meant

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

I don’t disagree with what you’re saying here but I do just want to say I think you may have misread what the author typed.

”if they are but feel…”

not

”if they are but I  feel…”

my inference would be that they were referring to how the wife felt about their husband not how they (the author) personally felt. 

Yes I think you're right, thank you ❤

[ni****]

Some people are just not fully aware of what being a sub is like

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, LetsTalk69 said:

Thanks, everyone, for the continued likes and for confirmation of what I guess I already knew. So, with that being said, my question now is, should I only look for connections where they are not in a relationship? If they are but feel that he is dominant enough, how do I approach that, or do I not even get involved?

You need to learn about consent, open communication, and honesty. Those are the basic foundations of a healthy and happy BDSM relationship. You can't have any of that if anyone is cheating. Stop messing with married women. No matter what. How hard is that to understand?

[al****]

22 hours ago, lodi953998 said:

So... cheating is gross and unethical.

There are four pillars to this lifestyle, and honesty is one of them, so you participating in cheating shows a core lack of character.

You are not a dom. They are not subs. You are all just selfishly playing games.

This lifestyle only works with education and consent. Anyone who will encourage this behavior is equally lacking in what's required to succeed.

The steps are education, then vetting, then negotiating, then lastly an attempted dynamic.

Thank you for your harsh input and judgment. I could pick you apart and tear you down exposing every flaw, but that would violate the spirit of our kink community. Instead I'll continue to be the best Dom I can be and continue nurturing others to be and do better.

Find your happiness.

[Co****]

Did you discuss your rules and expectations with them at the beginning and determine if that is the type of thing that interested them?

There are many flavors and levels of intensity in Dom/sub relationships. Not all subs want the dynamic to run throughout the day - particularly if they are juggling other relationships. That doesn’t mean you are too overbearing, but it may mean that what you were offering was not a good fit for those subs.