Honesty and Open Dynamics

[Shilo66]

On 4/21/2025 at 4:55 AM, LoveMoni said:

How do you often gauge honesty with a new person? I recently had an entire that completely shook me. It just confused me.
This person was partnered but didn't and wouldn't tell me the dynamic of their relationship with their spouse. 

The above quote is what YOU wrote in your opening piece.

The above quote is what I responded to.

YOU then claimed that I had made a lot of assumptions and misinterpreted what you wrote.

Myself, and practically everyone else who has responded, has told you, albeit in slightly different ways, the same basic thing:

‐‐--------------------------------------------------------

... that you should trust your instincts and back away if a new person is being evasive and unwilling to answer basic questions about himself and his situation.

‐--‐-‐--------------------------------------------------

BUT, rather than take the above sound advice given by myself and others, and, admitting that this is what you should have done and going forward will do in the future - you're here instead making all kinds of excuses why you this and why you that. 

In other words, proving what I stated in my very first comment that you're one of those women who can't admit when she is wrong.

Newsflash: WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES... I make them often, it's life, the difference is, I'll admit to mine and learn from them.

I also recognise that I don't know everything, so when I ask for advice and I get that good advise, I'm grateful for it, because it saves me having to learn and find out the 'hard way.'

And one of the things I've learned, is to back away and not help further, anyone male, female or otherwise, who can't take good advice or admit when they've made a mistake or are wrong.

Edited April 22, 2025 by Shilo66

[Shilo66]

@LoveMoni... I'm pre-empting your next response to me.

This is what you wrote to someone else on here:

------------------------------------------

I would've never even be able to know what to ask if I hadn't accidentally found his Facebook and hers. He was closed off in such an off way. He'd ask a million questions but only tell me sexual things about himself.

‐-------------------------------------------

This quote above, is a massive RED flag.

This is what YOU ignored. 

Any 'more experienced' kinkster "accidentally" finding his 'Facebook and hers', would have realised they'd been deceived, and combined with him being so 'closed off', walked away. 

There was no need to "confront" or ask for an explanation. It was all there in that one quote. 

Surely, you're not that naive..

 

Edited April 22, 2025 by Shilo66

[Lo****]

6 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

@LoveMoni... I'm pre-empting your next response to me.

This is what you wrote to someone else on here:

------------------------------------------

I would've never even be able to know what to ask if I hadn't accidentally found his Facebook and hers. He was closed off in such an off way. He'd ask a million questions but only tell me sexual things about himself.

‐-------------------------------------------

This quote above, is a massive RED flag.

This is what YOU ignored. 

Any 'more experienced' kinkster "accidentally" finding his 'Facebook and hers', would have realised they'd been deceived, and combined with him being so 'closed off', walked away. 

There was no need to "confront" or ask for an explanation. It was all there in that one quote. 

Surely, you're not that naive..

 

Again why would I not want to confront what I found? What reason would I have to not take that moment to go okay let me sit back and get responses. Is this about not knowing what you're doing or is about playing a game? Is this the way they play their dynamic OR is he not giving me information? Let me get those answers. You're essentially asking why make an informed decision versus a quick one. Surely, you're not so closed off...

[Lo****]

11 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

The above quote is what YOU wrote in your opening piece.

The above quote is what I responded to.

YOU then claimed that I had made a lot of assumptions and misinterpreted what you wrote.

Myself, and practically everyone else who has responded, has told you, albeit in slightly different ways, the same basic thing:

‐‐--------------------------------------------------------

... that you should trust your instincts and back away if a new person is being evasive and unwilling to answer basic questions about himself and his situation.

‐--‐-‐--------------------------------------------------

BUT, rather than take the above sound advice given by myself and others, and, admitting that this is what you should have done and going forward will do in the future - you're here instead making all kinds of excuses why you this and why you that. 

In other words, proving what I stated in my very first comment that you're one of those women who can't admit when she is wrong.

Newsflash: WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES... I make them often, it's life, the difference is, I'll admit to mine and learn from them.

I also recognise that I don't know everything, so when I ask for advice and I get that good advise, I'm grateful for it, because it saves me having to learn and find out the 'hard way.'

And one of the things I've learned, is to back away and not help further, anyone male, female or otherwise, who can't take good advice or admit when they've made a mistake or are wrong.

You're the only one under the assumption I didn't leave when I didn't receive answers. Everyone else understood that.

[Lo****]

Yesterday at 02:04 PM, SirJayTx said:

@LoveMoni,
Your questions and instincts are good and should be trusted. Building trust is not an instant process. If vital questions be answered with transparency, trust your gut. Lotta wannabes and predators hiding in Dom's clothing. Do you want relationships where you share with others or have limited commitment? (some do, no judgment).
Know what your minimum requirements are and build from there. My 2 cents

Because he was older I was looking for relatively limited commitment. There is no long term with someone 20 years my senior but for the time being that I'm single and like it that way, I was more than fine with something that's just open.

[Lo****]

Yesterday at 07:55 AM, gemini_man said:

Sounds like they have something to hide if that's how they react to some fairly simple and straightforward questions - you did right to have concerns.
.
Sure some people like their privacy to be respected and maybe keep any intimate details about their other partners to themselves, but that's easily and calmly explained, which this wasn't.
.
Don't let it put you off this lifestyle though - sadly this kind of behaviour can happen in *any* lifestyle

Yes! I would've been fine with him saying "oh my partner and I tend to keep that to ourselves..." and then explain what the dynamic is. Instead though I received a lot of roundabout and inability to answer questions. It was an immediate turn off.

[Lo****]

Yesterday at 07:55 AM, gemini_man said:

Sounds like they have something to hide if that's how they react to some fairly simple and straightforward questions - you did right to have concerns.
.
Sure some people like their privacy to be respected and maybe keep any intimate details about their other partners to themselves, but that's easily and calmly explained, which this wasn't.
.
Don't let it put you off this lifestyle though - sadly this kind of behaviour can happen in *any* lifestyle

Yes! I would've been fine with him saying "oh my partner and I tend to keep that to ourselves..." and then explain what the dynamic is. Instead though I received a lot of roundabout and inability to answer questions. It was an immediate turn off.

[Lo****]

Yesterday at 08:15 AM, Jimmy1912121 said:

Intuition is key; trust yourself.

It’s about boundaries - “if you don’t want to be straight forward and honest with my questions, I will look elsewhere.”

The vetting process isn’t a game. It’s a way to determine safety.

In my opinion safe BDSM involves:
Safe word being sacred. Full stop.
If other partners are involved - I want to talk to them before connecting with you. It’s a hard limit. If you are married in an open relationship? I want to talk to your spouse. I’m not going to accept that on faith. I have a sub- she would be happy to talk with anyone who wanted to - to ensure safety.

In the end healthy BDSM is about open and honest communication; setting clear boundaries and respecting them; and making sure all parties feel safe.

Just my two cents

He only offered me to speak to her once he seemed to notice I was turned off by his lack of answers. Which also pushed me away. Cause it felt almost like he was sacrificing her to save his image? Which like... my guy if you can't answer and she can, i want her not you

[wi****]

Honestly were you ready for his truth???

[Deleted Member]

Some people can't handle the truth when it comes to feelings. Personally, I rather know even if it hurts. To me, guessing causes much more *** and insecurities.

[Ma****]

I think honesty should be at the forefront of any arrangement or encounter. And you weren't being to cautious in this instance. Especially knowing their dynamic will only help boost your confidence in providing pleasure for them and yourself

[Ji****]

Tuesday at 04:26 PM, LoveMoni said:

He only offered me to speak to her once he seemed to notice I was turned off by his lack of answers. Which also pushed me away. Cause it felt almost like he was sacrificing her to save his image? Which like... my guy if you can't answer and she can, i want her not you

I find this to be a major pattern in unhealthy BDSM. It’s more about control than open and honest communication for the purpose of curiosity leading to freedom and liberation

[Mi****]

Good for you that you got your closure and moved on. 👏

[Fa****]

Honesty is super important. I am open and forward about my preferences and boundaries. I expect the same in return. When I notice the topic has been touched on but detail not given, I ask. If they’re cagey about it, that’s a red flag for me.

[kr****]

Of I’d just like to recommend the book that my therapist recommended when I had a similar “ick” experience.
“the Gift of ***” by Gavin de Becker. It isn’t so much about ***fulness; it is about the immense value of your instincts and why.