Rethinking Power in BDSM: Beyond the Fantasy

[Deleted Member]

In conversations with people who’ve been in the scene longer than I have, I’ve heard stories -- unsettling ones. Moments when power exchange crept beyond the negotiated roles, blurring the line between play and something more . . . insidious.

At first, I assumed the obvious: some dominants just want control in their relationships and use kink as a smokescreen. And maybe that’s true for some. But over time, I started wondering -- what if it’s not just about the people, but the roles themselves?

Kind of like the Stanford Prison Experiment. No safe words there, no negotiation -- just roles that swallowed people whole. Obviously, BDSM is different. It’s built on trust, consent, and structure. But still . . . can roles, even well agreed ones, nudge us in directions we don’t expect?

What happens when the scene ends, but the dynamic lingers?

Should we have rituals to break the spell? A way to say, “Hey, we’re partners again now. Equals. Not Dom and sub, but just us”?

Not to ruin the fantasy but to protect it. Because maybe real power isn’t about staying in control. Maybe it’s knowing exactly when to let go.

Questions to stir the pot:

Have you ever felt the role stick a little too long after a scene?

Do you have a ritual for returning to “neutral”?

Or are you still waiting for someone to say, “You’ve exited the dungeon. Welcome back to Earth”?

I have you.
In fact, I’m leaning in: full Jonathan Frakes mode.
Lingering Dom energy? No debrief? Aftercare optional?
Fact . . . or fiction?
(You decide. I’m just here squinting into the camera with mysterious lighting and lips pursed like the truth hurts)

[On****]

There was a writing titled "Dominants Creed" authored by torqueDom3 reprinted and shared many places around the web years ago. Dominance is not without responsibility and that responsibility is not without control in ALL aspects of their lives.

The Dominant’s Creed

Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all.

A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another.

A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others.

Author TorqueDom3

For the sake of brevity I've only shared some of the of this writing, the entirety of this writing can be searched online. Cheers, 14R

[Deleted Member]

A scene is a moment in time. The dynamic is everyday life. Know how to end a scene and provide aftercare. Then resume loving your lives and partaking in your dynamic.

[On****]

For my own part responsibility to the care and well being of my submissive does not end at the bedroom door or the end of a scene, a scene that may last a few hours is just the start of aftercare that may last a week or more. This partner has chosen and placed their trust in not just me but my Dominance. I give the gift of my care, my responsibility of her well being.
Commands will stop but cuddling, water, pillow talk, a fuzzy blanket and my arms become her safety. I will feed her, care for her as her space returns I will engage her in higher and higher levels of conversation until able to find her balance she remains. I have a rule I follow, if she's leaving my possession to return home or leaves I will take a couple hours to monitor her "cloudy space" before she may drive. If she simply must leave sooner I will get her an Uber or taxi and I will help her retrieve her car the next day. For days following a constant watch for sub drop begins, I will check on her sometimes 3 or more times a day making sure her head is okay and that day the tears begin and sub drop takes it's heavy place I have told her over and over... "Any tears I get a call" and I will be there on the other end. There's no one specific thing for aftercare it's many. 14R

[ey****]

over the years I've also been aware of similar stories, particularly ancedotal - but I would say all in all it's not always a case of the Dominant over reaching power

This could also be the submissive relinquishing responsibility (again, when not consented to) or also of course that when pushing for play/relationship/etc said they wanted a certain type of relationship and are later unhappy when they find it's not for them

 

Ultimately there are two things to remember - and one is that consent can be withdrawn at any time and two is my hated phrase "communication is key"

that if one party isn't happy with a direction a relationship is going *even if it's something they previously consented to* then the whole thing is an ongoing process and they should speak up

 

Obviously of course, this can be difficult if things are entwined into a toxic or trapped relationship - but then that in itself is an issue beyond kink/bdsm. 

[CopperKnob]

Everytime I see people refer to the stanford prison "experiment" i sigh. Heavily.

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

over the years I've also been aware of similar stories, particularly ancedotal - but I would say all in all it's not always a case of the Dominant over reaching power

This could also be the submissive relinquishing responsibility (again, when not consented to) or also of course that when pushing for play/relationship/etc said they wanted a certain type of relationship and are later unhappy when they find it's not for them

 

Ultimately there are two things to remember - and one is that consent can be withdrawn at any time and two is my hated phrase "communication is key"

that if one party isn't happy with a direction a relationship is going *even if it's something they previously consented to* then the whole thing is an ongoing process and they should speak up

 

Obviously of course, this can be difficult if things are entwined into a toxic or trapped relationship - but then that in itself is an issue beyond kink/bdsm. 

I appreciate the intent behind your comment -- especially the emphasis on revocable consent and communication -- but I think it runs the risk of unintentionally minimizing some very real issues that people in the community face.

When you mention submissives "relinquishing responsibility" or being "later unhappy," it can start to sound like victim-blaming, which i know is not your intention. In cases where harm has occurred, that framing shifts the focus away from the dominant’s responsibility and dilutes the accountability that should be central to power exchange.

Also, by saying these are "anecdotal" or that toxic/trapped dynamics are "beyond kink/BDSM," there's a risk of reinforcing a narrative that *** is something that happens outside of kink rather than acknowledging how kink can sometimes be used as a cover for abusive behavior. That separation can make it harder for people within the community to name and address harm when it happens.

I agree that communication is critical and that consent is ongoing but it’s important we hold space for the fact that not everyone is in a position to speak up safely, and that power (even consensual power exchange) always carries the possibility of being ***d.

[On****]

"consent can be withdrawn at any time"

That consent is ever evolving, rooted in trust and communication, if someone isn't happy with something even if it's been previously consented to, it's important communication/negociation is outside of any power exchange

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Everytime I see people refer to the stanford prison "experiment" i sigh. Heavily.

Do you think it holds any value as a metaphor for unchecked power or has it just been used too often and too lazily?

[CopperKnob]

40 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

Do you think it holds any value as a metaphor for unchecked power or has it just been used too often and too lazily?

I think most people wouldn't have any idea what it means in terms of a flawed, unethical "study" of societal psychology.

[CopperKnob]

57 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

I appreciate the intent behind your comment -- especially the emphasis on revocable consent and communication -- but I think it runs the risk of unintentionally minimizing some very real issues that people in the community face.

When you mention submissives "relinquishing responsibility" or being "later unhappy," it can start to sound like victim-blaming, which i know is not your intention. In cases where harm has occurred, that framing shifts the focus away from the dominant’s responsibility and dilutes the accountability that should be central to power exchange.

Also, by saying these are "anecdotal" or that toxic/trapped dynamics are "beyond kink/BDSM," there's a risk of reinforcing a narrative that *** is something that happens outside of kink rather than acknowledging how kink can sometimes be used as a cover for abusive behavior. That separation can make it harder for people within the community to name and address harm when it happens.

I agree that communication is critical and that consent is ongoing but it’s important we hold space for the fact that not everyone is in a position to speak up safely, and that power (even consensual power exchange) always carries the possibility of being ***d.

I'm someone whose core value is justice, often to my detriment and I'll shout loudly if I think victim blaming is present. I think though that what's being said is that both Dom and sub have responsibility and accountability for their actions.
Equally, unless someone has observed a CV/ab@use of power, it's always going to be anecdotal.
There is absolutely no doubt that BDSM is used as a 'cover' for ab@se or that ab@se is present in all communities

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think most people wouldn't have any idea what it means in terms of a flawed, unethical "study" of societal psychology.

Fair enough . . . Maybe the study says more about Philip zimbardo and his *** of academic power

[ey****]

I guess to further explain some of my comments

Can kink be used as a cover for abusive behaviour?

Yes. And this is a serious issue.  But it doesn't even need to be limited to role creep.  *** in kink can even appear consensual.   Whether this is was something where the consent was coercisive, or where the other person was not fully informed.  When saying "no" carries some other form of cost.

The "fully informed" thing is massive, this can be something as simple - every time a Dominant makes a post of what "real subs" should do (or a sub makes a post of what "real Dominants" should do) whilst that is their opinion it is still something designed to control a narrative.   If they met someone at a bar and told them they were a Dominant (or submissive) and would teach the other person all about kink - then even their "help" and "mentorship" is controlling a narrative within a narrow definition which can mean the other person is not fully informed.

Whilst we may argue it is on the other person to "do their own research" in itself that can be a form of victim blaming if they have no reason to distrust the other person, or if resources are deliberately witheld (i.e. munches are full of drama and bad people; websites are full of people who talk about kink but don't engage; websites are full of 50 Shades Fantasists/Fakes/Scammers) etc.  

This in itself is merely a tip of the iceberg - and doesn't even require any form of role creep.   Perhaps for the sake of this post I am seemingly minimising stuff - but then the whole web of different forms of ***, manipulation, etc is probably wider than we could do justice.

But on role creep.  This in itself isn't *always* manipulative, abusive or led by someone with bad intentions.  And when it is, this can be just as much be the sub, as the Dominant.

To do that requires looking at why role creep happens.

This could include deliberate misuse of position (which from a sub position again can be trying to shift workload or responsibility onto the Dominant especially in areas not agreed. It can also include playing-to-be-punished outside of an agreed framework) 

But could also be because they thought it's what the other person wanted.

It could also be because it was what the other person SAID they wanted (see every single "I'll do anything" sub male, or those seeking "Female Led Relationships" but really just want to be spanked in the bedroom and given socks to sniff and jerk to)

It could be due to finding their feet.

Or through sub, or Dom, frenzy.

Is there a responsibility on the individual to keep themselves in check. Absolutely.   But they also may not themselves be aware they are heading in the wrong direction if the other person doesn't say anything.

This in itself can also be complicated.  Say a play session where a submissive isn't gagged, hands free - but has had enough and doesn't use the safeword.  The Dominant might be misreading this as OK to continue, but there has to be some point the submissive in that scenario says "I needed to safeword, but didn't - because x, y, z" otherwise the Dominant may not know, especially if they themselves are working out what works in the dynamic together.

Whilst Dominants have responsibilities SO DO SUBMISSIVES. 

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess to further explain some of my comments

Can kink be used as a cover for abusive behaviour?

Yes. And this is a serious issue.  But it doesn't even need to be limited to role creep.  *** in kink can even appear consensual.   Whether this is was something where the consent was coercisive, or where the other person was not fully informed.  When saying "no" carries some other form of cost.

The "fully informed" thing is massive, this can be something as simple - every time a Dominant makes a post of what "real subs" should do (or a sub makes a post of what "real Dominants" should do) whilst that is their opinion it is still something designed to control a narrative.   If they met someone at a bar and told them they were a Dominant (or submissive) and would teach the other person all about kink - then even their "help" and "mentorship" is controlling a narrative within a narrow definition which can mean the other person is not fully informed.

Whilst we may argue it is on the other person to "do their own research" in itself that can be a form of victim blaming if they have no reason to distrust the other person, or if resources are deliberately witheld (i.e. munches are full of drama and bad people; websites are full of people who talk about kink but don't engage; websites are full of 50 Shades Fantasists/Fakes/Scammers) etc.  

This in itself is merely a tip of the iceberg - and doesn't even require any form of role creep.   Perhaps for the sake of this post I am seemingly minimising stuff - but then the whole web of different forms of ***, manipulation, etc is probably wider than we could do justice.

But on role creep.  This in itself isn't *always* manipulative, abusive or led by someone with bad intentions.  And when it is, this can be just as much be the sub, as the Dominant.

To do that requires looking at why role creep happens.

This could include deliberate misuse of position (which from a sub position again can be trying to shift workload or responsibility onto the Dominant especially in areas not agreed. It can also include playing-to-be-punished outside of an agreed framework) 

But could also be because they thought it's what the other person wanted.

It could also be because it was what the other person SAID they wanted (see every single "I'll do anything" sub male, or those seeking "Female Led Relationships" but really just want to be spanked in the bedroom and given socks to sniff and jerk to)

It could be due to finding their feet.

Or through sub, or Dom, frenzy.

Is there a responsibility on the individual to keep themselves in check. Absolutely.   But they also may not themselves be aware they are heading in the wrong direction if the other person doesn't say anything.

This in itself can also be complicated.  Say a play session where a submissive isn't gagged, hands free - but has had enough and doesn't use the safeword.  The Dominant might be misreading this as OK to continue, but there has to be some point the submissive in that scenario says "I needed to safeword, but didn't - because x, y, z" otherwise the Dominant may not know, especially if they themselves are working out what works in the dynamic together.

Whilst Dominants have responsibilities SO DO SUBMISSIVES. 

And to add a different perspective, in the eyes of the law, many activities within BDSM are seen as ab@se given that no one can consent to being harmed.
.
Everything comes with context.

[CopperKnob]

13 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

Fair enough . . . Maybe the study says more about Philip zimbardo and his *** of academic power

Maybe the guy was simply a tyrant

[ey****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

And to add a different perspective, in the eyes of the law, many activities within BDSM are seen as ab@se given that no one can consent to being harmed.
.
Everything comes with context.

This is something which also comes with an additional minefield - and there are a lot of different laws which vary by territory including some which exist, even if aren't en***d (in the UK the laws around the Spanner Incident have never been repealed, even if they don't continue to be en***d. They could, however, be used to try to remove spaces if for example a change of local council wished to no longer allow adult clubs)

But one thing which was cautious is in some bills around domestic *** and other harms to persons - clauses were added to the Bill which became law in 2021 which means even if there is evidence the other person was into BDSM, Kink or Rough Sex it cannot be used as a defence in *** trials (although may get a conviction of manslaughter) - there have been attempts at other bills (as recently as 2024) to go steps further to criminalise any form of ***.   Marks after caning pertains to '***' 

 

[YoursMaybe]

dude! 100% I'm so glad you posted this. And was totally thinking about the stanford prison experiment and then you said it. Haha!
Power is definitely powerful. great post

[YoursMaybe]

3 minutes ago, YoursMaybe said:

dude! 100% I'm so glad you posted this. And was totally thinking about the stanford prison experiment and then you said it. Haha!
Power is definitely powerful. great post

Basically, I do see some scenarios where its clearly not healthy.

[ey****]

Honestly, people need to forget about Stanford Prison - well, other than to learn that:

it was a bias experiment

there was accusations it was rigged

accusations guards were encouraged to be aggressive

and, it's not reproduceable

the conclusions lacked scientific merit