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I've been involved with BDSM for a good majority of my life, but I do not profess to be an expert or a guru. Rather, I'll leave this here for other like-minded people: curious, constantly seeking new information, and those seeking differing opinions. I'm always open for conversation about this, or any topic.


In the sense we're speaking for the sake of this post, presence is described as: "The impressive manner or appearance of a person," or "The bearing, carriage, or air of a person; stately or distinguished bearing."

                                                     The Main Factors - Yin and Yang

* Physical: Yang *

    There's the obvious comments everyone throws around like we're back at grandma's place; "Sit up straight, straighten your shoulders, keep your chin up, don't drag your feet." Then there's the less obvious things, like your own personal health. How do you feel? Are you constantly in ***, plagued by migraines, or have any degree of medical condition that effects you in any way at all? That effects your overall mood, energy, and presence. Take care of yourself, make yourself feel good, and you'll have an easier time projecting the confident air you're striving toward. But easier never means achievable in and of itself; again, be warned, I can only advise from the outside looking in. Only you know your situation inside, and out. Take care of the priorities first, and like dominoes, things start falling into place.

    Appearance is everything, as they say, but not for the reasons we're all led to believe. Attractiveness does play a small role, yes, but a temporary one; a flash of flame, flickering and snuffing itself out mere months after forming. It goes so much deeper than that. How about when a fire fighter rescues a child from a burning house - do we look at his uniform and say he's no longer got an attractive presence because he's covered in ash and soot, or do we admire his courage, willpower, and morals? How about the older bartender who looks like she's lost the will to take care of herself, but always gives the best advice she can to her patrons as they sob their life stories to her? Do we look at her ragged demeanor and say she's lost her way, or do we see the line of alcoholics desperately taking her advice as their last hope of survival and coming out better for it?

    What is presence, if not the impression you give through your actions, not just your words and appearance? Think about the last person who really had an impact on you. What did they do? How did they act, and how did that effect how you saw them? Sometimes other people are the best informational videos you'll ever lay your eyes on.

    (Also as a sub category, environment plays a huge factor in presence [in my humble opinion] in various ways. This encompasses childhood factors, like parental ***, poverty, bullying, etc. In these cases, sometimes the answer lies in questioning everything around you. Sometimes, the questions you ask aren't the right ones; sometimes, the you've known the answer all along and just couldn't comprehend it until you re-examined the situations with a more mature mindset. Everything physical comes down to the immovable truth that you are you, and no matter how you try to hide it, no matter who struggles to keep you chained or covered, you will always be you, as you are now, and until you're gone. This is good. You are valid.)

* Mind Set: Yin *

    Who are you, really? It doesn't matter what you answer, as long as you answered honestly. Accepting yourself for who you are is the easiest thing to say, and the most annoying thing to hear because it's the most difficult thing you'll ever do. Humans are flawed, imperfect, selfish, ***istic, greedy monsters that kill for fun more than they kill for survival. Coming to terms with who YOU really are can be daunting, guilt inducing, and horrific at times, especially when it comes to what normal society might call, 'the dark side'. But we have cookies, so it's okay. You'll be okay. We're all on this journey together; so.

    Presence in the mind set is a solid confidence and understanding of yourself. It's not a do all, end all, I am complete control, bow down. No. It's understanding your own limits, the limits of your partner(s), the limitations of your surroundings, time constraints; being completely aware of the situation and knowing how to react to any given hiccup. It's a complete respect of yourself and the persons around you, a humble understanding that even if you are a center piece, you're still a piece of many to make a whole. In my opinion, it superceeds the BDSM community and applies to social communities and life as a whole.

    As a personal anecdote, I listened to a man explain why he thought 'dumb' people thought they were smarter than 'smart' people. Bear with me here. He claimed that when a 'dumb' person; let's just call him Dave, (Dave is a fun name, I have nothing against the name Dave, please don't complain because that would be a real Dave move, Dave.) gets interested in a hobby, let's say photography - he applies himself as much as he can and learns what he thinks is close to everything there is to know about photography until he's swimming in his knowledge, calling himself a 'master of the arts' and spouting off memorized passages to impress his friends. One of his friends also was getting into photography at the same time; a 'smart' person. We'll call him Bob. (I'm so creative.) He applies himself too, but realizes there's too much knowledge for him to take in at once. He knows it'll take him years to master this, but he's secure in his amateur state, knowing his application of effort will pay off eventually. Then Bob and Dave meet up.

    They know exactly the same things at this point, but Dave has the presence of a master, spouting off how much he's learned and going into all the technical aspects that aren't really applicable in the field. Bob knows this, but he relents and wonders if Dave has a special understanding of a subject he knows he still has a lot to learn in. Dave's presence is convincing in the moment, but after the conversation, Bob will eventually realize Dave didn't understand what he was talking about. Dave, in all his blissful ignorance of the knowledge he didn't know, had the confidence to project himself as a master in the moment, but Dave had the presence of humble respect; and to anyone on the outside looking in, I'm sure they would rather talk about photography with the person open to new ideas and ways of challenging themselves, than someone who dwells only in their own realm of facts and attempts to push those facts down everyone's throat.

    The entire point of the side track is that presence isn't always intense, commanding, or powerful. Sometimes, presence is calm, soothing, and comforting. An acceptance of reality; of others, and yourself. An acceptance of limitations, of convictions, and of consequences. So, do you have presence?

    The easiest way to find the answer is to question it in the first place.


Great article! I've had many conversations recently regarding this, extremely well timed post.


“Being always transcends appearance---that which only seems to be. Once you begin to know the being behind the very pretty or very ugly face, as determined by your bias, the surface appearances fade away until they simply no longer matter.”

Wm. Paul Young

"The greater our knowledge increases the more our ignorance unfolds."

John F. Kennedy

In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realisation of oneness. This is love.

Eckhart Tolle

Brilliant post, thank you for sharing. The above quotes just show a very few of the great minds that have agreed with your outlook over the ages.

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