Random thoughts of reflection

[PrayforMojo]

I feel often I get a label placed on me, and I am quick to rip that off. There are people out there that don't fit into any clarification, style, or form. One of my favorite quotes is "Be like water". 

It can be confusing to some, when you don't fit the conventional mold. But what really it the right way? Is it possible to have a two or three sides of a personality and pick a part the prices that work for you and disregard the rest? It works in the real world, how else whould you explain chicken and waffles? Sweet and Sour?

I been told by some that I might not belong here. Or that just because I share insecurities more then I share my strengths, I should be a sub (I can tell you with no ego, that is a big no).

There are not many I can relate too but it is what it is. Will I ever find what I looking for? Not sure. But that doesn't mean I will not keep trying. You never know what the next morning will bring.

 

[Leisa]

Don’t let anyone tell you who or what you should be. Insecurity happens to the best and not just the new. This community has a place in it for everyone in all stages of their journey. You’re right you never know what the next day holds. May you enjoy the ride but hold on because there will be times when it gets bumpy. If you know that this is the lifestyle you want and need then don’t allow anyone else to tell you differently. Have a wonderful journey.

[PrayforMojo]

Thanks for your comments. I don't mind talking about insecurities at all. So many people try to hid them. I try to emphasize them, as it is always seems more appealing to walk towards the things that scare you and confront them. To be challenged.

[Deleted Member]

A man wiser than I told me when I first joined this site that not everything can be labled, and in kink with consent you can be anything you wish

[Masterstoy20]

And when you finally find the right one who takes all of your pieces and puts them all together into something beautiful it’s just incredible!!!

[Carnelian2]

I have been on a journey, where I have tried and enjoyed a bit of everything. I have also felt the need to somehow try to conform by attaching one or the other label but not necessarily reflecting who I am, which is a melange of many different ingredients. I do not have the answer, but I do believe that it comes down to connecting with a bunch of people, being open, talk about stuff - not just kink, and then see where we end up. If you come across people that insist on one label, maybe they are not for you or maybe they are. Last year, I had a relationship with a Dominant lady, who made it clear that there was no way she would ever submit - and I was fine with that, as we got on really really well as people. This year, I have rediscovered that I love to tie people up, ladies in particular, I suppose - so that has raised a number of questions with regard to labels.

But, you know, it is all part of the journey, and these things are brought to us to make us think and hopefully learn :-)

[PrayforMojo]

Thinking back on past experience and knowing my personality I am pretty confident on who I am in a sexual context. In the past and even sometimes now I am so hyper focused on the enjoyment of my partner, I forget about myself and kind of don't get the same enjoyment as they do. And the times where I did not worry so much I and my partner had allot more fun. I have a personality as someone who is shy or reserved but only for so long then my personality can shift if I get turned on, I can get aggressive.

Also there or other aspects as well that I could spend along time writing about but really it comes down to I know what I want out of my future relationships, in and out of the bedroom (or car, plane, train, park, etc haha). But also leave room for growth and experimentation and surprise.

Edited June 30, 2020 by PrayforMojo

[Vandalslut]

On 6/30/2020 at 8:28 AM, PrayforMojo said:

I been told by some that I might not belong here.

What rot. Whoever told you that needs to take a running jump off a high cliff and be ashamed of him/herself. We are all dozens of different personalities. The late comedian Kenneth Williams once said, "You tell stag jokes to your mates at the pub. You don't tell 'em to your elderly great aunt!"  And as for the conventional mold - the Vandal and I wouldn't even know what that is. There is no one  way - there's the way you go, the way that works for you and whoever else you happen to meet on that Road. You can always change Roads.

 

On 6/30/2020 at 8:28 AM, PrayforMojo said:

Or that just because I share insecurities more then I share my strengths, I should be a sub

Ballocks. The Dominant/Domina who does share insecurities has far more strength than one who claims to have no insecurities. An insecurity is really a question. The answer will show up with research and time. There's no 'due by' date for it.  To feel insecure, to wonder, to question from time to time, is a willingness to learn and grow. Those who 'know all the answers' have no interest in learning or experimentation. They know it all - what's  left for them? They get to sit by the side of the Road - the rest of us get to travel on and see what the next morning will bring. For you, us and all those who wonder and ask questions - the world is, and always will be, infinite.

 

On 6/30/2020 at 8:28 AM, PrayforMojo said:

You never know what the next morning will bring.

That's the spirit, mate! You never do know and who'd want to?

Labels belong on jam jars so you know what flavour it is and what company makes it. They're just for identification. A jar of strawberry jam will only ever be a jar of strawberry jam. Labels have no place on people. Keep ripping them off, mate.

[Phoenyx]

There are so many things that I could say on this topic.  Somehow, I have reached a point, where all eyes are upon me.  I now *** even the slightest mistake, as it could have dire consequences.  Yes, that is an insecurity.  I also worry that I may have lost my touch, after being out of The Scene for a number of years.

Honestly, The Scene is filled with attitudes and insecurities.  I often joke about that fact.  They are what make us human.  In fact, more often than not, subs are drawn to Doms and Dominas who show a bit of their human side.  Such quirks provide an air of safety, of empathy.

On the subject of molds and labels, I have somehow made a lifetime career of never fitting any mold.  And, the World has yet to print a label that applies to me.  I kept thinking about what I wanted to say on this subject.  That is, until I remembered that I already had.  Here is the text, from when I started a similar thread:
 

Quote

 

At times, I tend to wonder if people really want to hear what I have to say.  But then, if I don't say it, they will never have the chance to decide.  I have been told, that when a man reaches my age, he is looking for only two things---a place to take a leak, and someone to listen to his stories.

I can understand some folks not wanting to believe my tales.  Honestly, if I heard my own stories, I would think they were the biggest load of bull since Baron Munchausen fired up the backhoe.  But, it all really happened.  Still, I can understand folks being incredulous.  "Well, if you know all this, and you can do all that, how come you're not Bill Gates or Elon Musk?"  Really, there is no easy answer.  Or, maybe there is.

Of course, it would be easy to blame human society.  Coming from a poor, working-class background, I was automatically two to three laps behind those born to more affluent families.  Also, as an adult, I was often accused of "not plying the game" or "not getting with the 'program'".  Yet, as I look back now, I suspect that the reason was something far different, something far more intrinsic.  To me, "Life" was always more about the journey, than the destination.  No, I'm not Yoda, trying to preach some Zen philosophy.  I'm saying that it had been my nature, ever since birth.  Mine is more of a cautionary tale, of what could happen when one actually lives their life that way.

The American philosophy of life seems so cut-and-dried.  First set a goal.  Then, jump onto the soulless Interstate, and drive all-out toward that destination---speed limits be damned!  I, however, was more of a Sunday driver.  I preferred the back roads, the rolling hills and swaying trees, the little forgotten towns that had all but dried up and blown away, in this modern, hurry-up, get-'er-done world.  Truth be told, in life, I was probably paying more attention to the scenery, than the road.  I still headed toward my destination.  But, I was in no real hurry to get there.  Perhaps, that was why, I often arrived to find my objective closed, or out of business, or that the road had been shut down by a landslide.

Was it a mistake?  Honestly, if I had it to do over, I would likely do the very same thing.  Throughout it all, I had remained true to myself.  How many others in this modern world could say that?  Regrets?  Hardly.  Sure, I never found "success".  Sure, I have to suffer Society's harsh judgement for supposedly being "irresponsible".  Sure, I now live alone, surviving on the meager scraps that Social Security so begrudgingly allots me.  Yet, I have seen and done things that the drones of the work-a-day world can only imagine.  I have been to places and experienced moments, that others have only read about.  My journey has taken me to realms that even I had never known existed.  Those images on the all-seeing eye of television, those visions that have drawn folks to their screens in awe, I have seen in real life.  Maybe, I can be accused of being "irresponsible", of not finding the obligatory "Success".  But, I will never be accuse of not LIVING life.  Perhaps, in that light, we need to redefine our notion of "Success".

 

For those who wish to check-out this other thread, here is the link:

 

[PrayforMojo]

Success can mean so many things to so many people. But yhea, I don't worry so much as to where people think I should be in life or personal relationships. 

 

I think of just being here is a success from my personal trials. But some don't understand that, it is ok, at times frustrating but understandable. I remember one time I was driving for Uber and the girl I had in the backseat was surprised when she looked at me. "Oh you are kinda of cute, wait a minute you a really cute (I don't do photos well that show what I am really like), why are you driving a Uber, what are you doing here?" "Trying to work and make some ***, that is it." Never seen a hot girl throw herself at me while at the same time cleaning up her friends puke in the backseat of my car. That is another story.

My whole life has been on the outside looking in. As I watched my friends around me in my youth having good and bad sex, partying and having fun, getting married, having kids, while I traveled a much darker path. Singular in my journey, in a self imposed cocoon. Filled with nightmares and ***, always looking for peace and completely love sick.

When I explain my past most can't believe it. There is so much to take in but I can't and will not hide from it. It is what made me, me. Broken but unique. 

I know there is someone out there for me but I always question it. But at the same time I don't let other people's prescription of who I should be, rule my think of my own self. Nor do I wish to pretend to not be different.

 

[PrayforMojo]

Wanted to add. Only recently I have even considered I might be attractive. It just never crossed my mind and I always believed the opposite. (I am my own worse enemy) Only upon reflection, I realised I had interested parties. But I was so wrapped up in my own personal crap to see it. I say that not out of vanity, but it really has shaped my personality, and my indifference at times.

I don't beat myself up over such things so much anymore. I do believe sometimes what you are looking for is right in front of you, but you might have blinders on to the world at that moment. 

Edited July 1, 2020 by PrayforMojo
Forgot some things

[Carnelian2]

We have to love ourselves before we can truly love another. That process of getting to know oneself and truly accept all aspects is a journey which some of us take longer to reach. 

I like the parallel with taking the backroads and a few detours to get to a destination, only to find that it has changed once we get there. It is not the destination that matters, but what we learn on the journey.

[Phoenyx]

@PrayforMojo, I was reading your profile, and the tale of your surgeries.  Cancer?  Surviving a fight like that, changes a person.  It can be a very uplifting change.  You may find that you no longer care about the old BS.  Society's pressures and the words of others start to lose their impact.  This will become more and more apparent, as your strength returns.  I know.

[PrayforMojo]

I had a benign tumor wrapped around my spinal cord that was mis-diagnosed for over 5 years. Many doctors wrote me off as a crazy person seeking *** or just thought I was delusional. Also I was not sleeping at all because of the ***. I  would wake up in strange places because I would always fall asleep on the bus ride home from work. Or have mild hallucinations from being so sleep deprived. Even some of my family thought I was crazy. That is untill UCLA found a the tumor the size of a softball on my lower spine. Part of my spine and hip and now my left heel have been removed. I have no hardware in my body.(I am not getting fusion) I have learned how to walk again twice. Almost died about 3-4 times. 

Yes going through that has completely changed my personality. Suffice to say I hate being told what to do. And I give about two shits what people think of me. Most would have killed themselves if they had to walk my path. 

This consumed about 10 years of my life. I can walk around fine. My *** is still there just not as bad as it was. You know when you go to the doctor and they ask on a scale from one to ten what is your ***? Well my base level is 3-4 always. I have had two epidural shots before, to me it was like taking a aspirin. 10 mins after the shots I was walking around like nothing asking when they should start working. The doctor said I should be lying on the floor and was amazed that it was not effecting me. You would not think I am any different then any one else until you look that my walk is a little off. 

 

[Th****]

Ignore those labels Mojo, you are and can only ever be yourself. We mainly strive to be our authentic selves. You know, put it all out there, be open and honest, and share our feelings.

Other than that my friend, that is all you can do. That and when someone does accept you for all that you are remember that it is not the only thing that is important. Your needs and wants have to match, and all that other stuff..

By the way being humble is a great at for any one and anyone who thinks they can tell you what role you should be is a bit of a dick.

[Phoenyx]

7 hours ago, PrayforMojo said:

Part of my spine and hip and now my left heel have been removed. I have no hardware in my body.(I am not getting fusion) I have learned how to walk again twice. Almost died about 3-4 times. 

Well, I got lucky.  The colorectal tumor that I had, was particularly malignant---Adenocarcinoma.  Fortunately, it was caught in early Stage 3.  I went through a year of hell, getting rid of that thing---radiation, chemo, surgeries (plural), more chemo...  This doesn't even count the years before that---abdominal ***, weight loss, as well as a number of other symptoms that can't be mentioned here.  The doctors kept looking in the wrong places.  Came close to ing-out a couple times, myself, NOT of my own choice.  Once, when my intestines became so blocked, that the tumor was finally discovered.  The second time, when my abdominal muscles kept trying to crush the temporary ostomy (sometimes, it just doesn't pay to be in good shape).  Spent a month-and-a-half being fed through a tube, while hooked-up to a stomach pump.  Ultimately though, the doctors said that I beat it.  Still, my response was, "If I beat this thing, then, why do I feel like the one who just got his ass kicked?"

Did you get the robotic surgery?  It sure made things easier for me---as if any of it was easy.  I'm certain that the doctors at UCLA are at-least as good as the docs from Texas tech, here.  They certainly didn't spare the morphine.

Was the loss of your heel due to a *** clot in your leg?  I'm fighting one of those clots myself.  I'm still on *** thinners, because of it.  I'm supposed to go in for another scan and ultrasound, in a few days.  However, Covid has all of that up in the air.

At least, I'm back to taking 3 or 4 mile walks, every day.  I thought that I would never get back to that point.  For a while, it was all that I could do, to walk to the bathroom.  I have also been trying to get back to some light exercise.  But, random muscle pulls keep setting me back, on that score.  I'd like to get back to the gym.  But, with my slow recovery, and this Covid business, who knows when that will ever happen.

[PrayforMojo]

Doctors in Vegas are not the best. My heel was from some thing simple. A cut on my heel. It turned into a foot ulcer and infected the bone. I could never get it heeled right. It would go away then come back. After my back surgery I lost some of the *** flow in my left leg and foot and have nerve damage. My left foot is mostly numb. I have had ultra scans done and no clots where ever found. They don't really know why it happened.

I don't know of they used a robot or not. It was back in October 2001, Holloween no less when they did it. It was very risky. They where not sure if I make it or even walk again. But UCLA was one of the best places to get it done. I know I have a few teams and about 20-30 doctors on my case alone. It was a 7 hour operation.

[Deleted Member]

The person that said this to you needs a good fact check! Fact is none of us are alike! 

There are no perfect "dom" manuals.

There are no perfect "sub" manuals.

My girlfriend told me, years ago, be realz with yourself and the rest will come. R.I.P but advice well used.

You share your insecurities? I've never had a dominant to share his insecurities with me but I wish he had. Towards the end, he was so angry with me. I would go home and cry because I didn't know what I did wrong. If you show insecurities, for some subs, it rein***s our urge to be needed and to please. If we can help, we want to help.

[Phoenyx]

I'm a bit late at replying, because unfortunately, I lost track of this thread.  I apologize for that.  Because of my surgery and chemo, a massive *** clot formed in my right leg.  Fortunately, that *** clot has now cleared.  I just had a scan a week ago, and I have no *** clots anywhere in my body.  I am in the process of weaning-off the *** thinners.

I still have little-to-no feeling in the bottom of my feet---due to the chemo (which I completed back in March).  Hopefully, that feeling will eventually return.  The problem now, is the skin lesions that have formed, thanks to the chemo.  They don't seem to want to heal.  Hopefully, that was only because of the *** thinners, and the lesions may now start to go away.  Both my surgeon and my GP want to strangle my oncologist.  The onc refuses to take any responsibility for the side effects of the chemo---some of which, had put me back in the hospital.  At least, I now seem well on the road to recovery.

[PrayforMojo]

On 7/31/2020 at 7:58 AM, phoenyx said:

I'm a bit late at replying, because unfortunately, I lost track of this thread.  I apologize for that.  Because of my surgery and chemo, a massive *** clot formed in my right leg.  Fortunately, that *** clot has now cleared.  I just had a scan a week ago, and I have no *** clots anywhere in my body.  I am in the process of weaning-off the *** thinners.

I still have little-to-no feeling in the bottom of my feet---due to the chemo (which I completed back in March).  Hopefully, that feeling will eventually return.  The problem now, is the skin lesions that have formed, thanks to the chemo.  They don't seem to want to heal.  Hopefully, that was only because of the *** thinners, and the lesions may now start to go away.  Both my surgeon and my GP want to strangle my oncologist.  The onc refuses to take any responsibility for the side effects of the chemo---some of which, had put me back in the hospital.  At least, I now seem well on the road to recovery.

Hopefully your on the trend to get better. It is hard finding doctors that know what they're doing.

[Phoenyx]

4 hours ago, PrayforMojo said:

Hopefully your on the trend to get better. It is hard finding doctors that know what they're doing.

Oh yeah, I'm well on the road to recovery.  Thank you for the thought.  Hope you are doing the same.

I just went in for my first post-treatment check-up.  It came-out "all clear".  So far, so good.  My next check-up is in October, and again, in January.  I need to keep my fingers crossed, though the prognosis is good.

Edited August 2, 2020 by phoenyx

[So****]

I also dare telling people about my insecurities, and often they think I don't love myself or I'm not confident enough. While in fact I may have more confidence, coming from the fact that I'm not lying to myself and I embrace my insecurities.
Labels are so annoying. We are all complex beings who don't fit in any single label...

[Dreamaway]

I was going to make this exact point myself. If people need a label to think it makes them belong to some sub set of a group then I'd call them insecure. However, we're all different and some people need that group security thing. Also as we age our characters can change according to our personal needs and wants. But labels can be very damning and I wouldn't rush to label anyone who might like something different to my particular tastes,  good luck to them as long as they don't try to interfere with me.