(What I Think It Means) To Be Polyamorous

[ey****]

there's a lovely graph sometimes does the rounds which includes many different types of poly and non-mono set ups.

I think it's very important that what works for one person/structure doesn't apply to another.

In my situation for example.

Me. Married.

My wife also has a girlfriend.  My wife's girlfriend also has a wife and other play partners.

I had a Mistress, whilst I don't at the minute that is possible to change at the future - but  - who knows I may have a sub, or girlfriend, or whatever, instead.

But, I do have two regular play partners (both sub) and of course I do a lot of play-with-others especially via filming.    So there's different elements of poly and ethical non-mono in there.

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

The acknowledgement and separation and naming of different feelings/ experiences is something I'm really relishing at the moment,  its a brilliant and a real journey of exploration and adventure 🔥

Absolutely - I found before if I “felt something” for someone, I was socialised to see it as romantic. And then it “had” to fit into this linear story of girl meets boy (insert your own orientations etc).

[helenOfToy]

11 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

Absolutely - I found before if I “felt something” for someone, I was socialised to see it as romantic. And then it “had” to fit into this linear story of girl meets boy (insert your own orientations etc).

That's definitely something I can relate to. Until six months ago I was in a monogamous vanilla , and frankly it was stifling and the only thing I actually miss about it is my daughter. The freedom to make multiple connections, each one different is very liberating. I don't currently have any deep romantic relationships, but by the same token, I don't really need that right now. The point is that I'm free to explore what's right for me and not worry about what society at large thinks.

Edited July 21, 2020 by Paul_aka_Helen
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[Wi****]

2 hours ago, Firewitch said:

I really like that... i say to my connections "share or get none" ..... i like your friends description better though 🔥 anyone who knows me intimately knows I will not allow me to be someone's everything,  its too restrictive and pressured for me 🔥 and ultimately someone will get hurt which I always seek to minimise and avoid

I love and share freely,  getting attached and caring for those that are important in my life. Which I try to manage so it doesn't become overbearing. I'm currently part of a poly relationship and its fabulous. Adjusting to it is an enjoyable and learning process as I dont have a huge amount of previous relationship experience. What I have read of the post is beautiful. 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Willow75
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[Wo****]

5 hours ago, Jinxy said:

This is one of those topics where I’m not quite sure where I land yet. I love the explanations everyone has provided on this thread though as it helps give me a clearer understanding of what it involves. 
 

My one sticking point that I keep coming back to when thinking through this topic is the issue of jealousy. How are people able to overcome this in wanting a poly relationship but coming from a mono mindset? Not sure if that makes sense...

Makes perfect sense and something I had issues with. 

Pirate is poly, or ethically non mono, it worked because he was happy to talk over how I felt. Jealousy is normal.

He would reassure me that him spending time with someone else didn't detract from our dynamic. Answered any questions.

Through Pirate I discovered it was ok to be with more than one person.

 

Now, I'm lucky enough to have two men in my life that I care deeply about and that I can love them both freely.

 

@LazyPirate.... You encouraged me to fly. You showed me how... we have shared so much. Loving our new dynamic 😚

@VoyagerX.... Hello Stranger 😊😙❤

 

 

Discovering that I'm poly and embracing it, it's saved my sanity. It's improved my relationships. It's just, Idk, for me I couldn't be anything else.

 

[Bo****]

polyamorous........yes!

i return to kink after many years repression,because of 'poly'..... Not a libido driven response to celibacy( long story!), but a love! A vanilla polyamorous freedom love,granted by a few true vanilla soul lovers.

My saviors,my friends,my confidantes,my soul ***s.... Love,trust,tears,laughter...all loved separately, uniquely. Non conditionally,without judgement, so beautiful,so caring,never jealously guarded ,just love!

to love,but not in love.....my free!... As time's arrow seeks the end of my flight,already has love touched me in Fetish. I am truly blessed and  in gratitude to those who seek to share ,in expressive ,immersive lockdown kink.... I give my love,holistically! 

poly,sapio growth ensues.....limits,boxes,labels....freefrom?

life,love n unity .....to many💋

 

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Jinxy said:

This is one of those topics where I’m not quite sure where I land yet. I love the explanations everyone has provided on this thread though as it helps give me a clearer understanding of what it involves. 
 

My one sticking point that I keep coming back to when thinking through this topic is the issue of jealousy. How are people able to overcome this in wanting a poly relationship but coming from a mono mindset? Not sure if that makes sense...

It took many months for me to process and unpick what was causing my jealousy and up rooting it and examining it in detail.  I'm nearly 18 months into my active poly journey and the shift has been my regard for myself,  recognising my own self worth and being confident that regardless of others,  I am enough.  I still get jealous but its far less than it was and I continue to practice open and honest communication,  expressing myself and choosing specials (my most intimate people) carefully who look after me as I do them and we treat each other with respect and kindness and tolerance to those more tricky emotions. Always the disclaimer of: poly isn't for everyone,  equally as mono isn't either.  If it hurts too much or too uncomfortable then don't!! Remember though we are fluid dynamic creatures where change,  evolution and gaining of experience and knowledge is inevitable! Never say never 🔥😘

[helenOfToy]

4 hours ago, Firewitch said:

It took many months for me to process and unpick what was causing my jealousy and up rooting it and examining it in detail.  I'm nearly 18 months into my active poly journey and the shift has been my regard for myself,  recognising my own self worth and being confident that regardless of others,  I am enough.  I still get jealous but its far less than it was and I continue to practice open and honest communication,  expressing myself and choosing specials (my most intimate people) carefully who look after me as I do them and we treat each other with respect and kindness and tolerance to those more tricky emotions. Always the disclaimer of: poly isn't for everyone,  equally as mono isn't either.  If it hurts too much or too uncomfortable then don't!! Remember though we are fluid dynamic creatures where change,  evolution and gaining of experience and knowledge is inevitable! Never say never 🔥😘

I'm less that six months into many journeys, poly, kink, TV/TS, sissy...

It's a lot to process and I rely on the special people I've met (and the very special people in my dynamic) to help keep me grounded. Not get carried away and change too much too fast. My yardstick always is whether I feel relaxed and comfortable. If your heart is pounding and you're shaking with excitement, that's adrenaline, and that wears off. If you feel deep comfort and contentment, even when you're not with any of the people you have those connections with, then that feels to me like everything is right. I'm on the path I am supposed to be, probably for the first time in my life.

[Jinxy]

Okay, I have some more questions, if that’s alright. 
 

In poly relationships there are now several people that someone gives their time to instead of just the single partner. How do introverts, who get their energy from alone time and can get drained from lots of social interaction, handle having more than one partner? Or are introverts not suited to the poly lifestyle?
 

How do people manage their time with each partner so people don’t feel neglected? I feel like in mono relationships there’s this expectation of being available/in contact every day, especially with technology nowadays. Is this the same for poly? 

[Lillyth]

Fabulous perspectives on this subject. Although I am mono, I can completely understand how it works and how it can be a beautiful thing to explore. I love hearing about the different journeys into poly and how each challenge is met and overcome.
It is not for me and although I do agree you can't be 100% everything to one person and nor can they you, I do believe and what is so far making a beautiful relationship for me is being good, giving and game. If both partners adhere to that I believe a wonderful mono relationship that continues to grow in love and compatibility is just as beautiful.

[VoyagerX]

I agree Yillyth, monogamy can and does work for some people. If you satisfy each other completely and have no need for an added dimension or kink then good on ya.

We have friends in OZ, who are just like that. Totally filled up with themselves, kinky as you like, but totally monogamous. It's horses for courses I guess. And it's good to know that beautiful mono relationships are still alive and kicking! X

[Wo****]

4 hours ago, Jinxy said:

Okay, I have some more questions, if that’s alright. 
 

In poly relationships there are now several people that someone gives their time to instead of just the single partner. How do introverts, who get their energy from alone time and can get drained from lots of social interaction, handle having more than one partner? Or are introverts not suited to the poly lifestyle?
 

How do people manage their time with each partner so people don’t feel neglected? I feel like in mono relationships there’s this expectation of being available/in contact every day, especially with technology nowadays. Is this the same for poly? 

I'm an introvert....

I live alone. I like living on my own. Like my own company, my own space.

Being poly allows me to choose who I spend my time with, and when. I get different things from each dynamic and each one compliments the other whilst allowing me "me" time.

 

[VoyagerX]

Ok Jinxy, how to divide your time between playmates as an introvert.

Firstly, you decide what time you'd like to spend interacting with people either in person or on line. This is not a job or obligation, this is your life and every decision you make is purely down to you. You are in charge, you are in control. If you don't want to answer your phone or messages for a week that's fine. 

Like you, I like to spend allot of my time alone in my own company and the last thing we need is to feel obligated. And you're not! You belong to yourself and nobody else. You decide who you want to be with and when. You decide whether to answer the phone or not. It's entirely up to you. And if anyone gives you pressure they're probably not worth knowing. Enjoy your freedom in a way that makes YOU happy. I feel your thoughtfulness and compassion...but you have to be you. Never, ever give that up. Otherwise....what's the point? X

 

[Jinxy]

Thank you @Bounty and @VoyagerX! That makes sense. This is whole thread has been helpful! I’m going to mull things over some more. Maybe have more questions later 😂

[VoyagerX]

You're welcome Jinxy,....always X

[Deleted Member]

21 hours ago, Paul_aka_Helen said:

That's definitely something I can relate to. Until six months ago I was in a monogamous vanilla , and frankly it was stifling and the only thing I actually miss about it is my daughter. The freedom to make multiple connections, each one different is very liberating. I don't currently have any deep romantic relationships, but by the same token, I don't really need that right now. The point is that I'm free to explore what's right for me and not worry about what society at large thinks.

I remember feeling this so strongly when I left my monogamous vanilla LTR, Helen. And it was eye-opening making those connections. Liberating.

[Deleted Member]

On 7/21/2020 at 5:50 AM, Jinxy said:

This is one of those topics where I’m not quite sure where I land yet. I love the explanations everyone has provided on this thread though as it helps give me a clearer understanding of what it involves. 
 

My one sticking point that I keep coming back to when thinking through this topic is the issue of jealousy. How are people able to overcome this in wanting a poly relationship but coming from a mono mindset? Not sure if that makes sense...

I also love this topic and love the explanations.

I to used to be what if my Dom/partner fell in love with a another .

im growing in many ways though , I know some of that is simply my insecurities my mindset and also lack of knowledge and experience.

I know comfortably and excitedly visualise things I would never have entertained. And I’m so glad I read this as it has opened more thoughts and perspectives and avenues for me.

being part of this community is so key for my growth the range of perspectives and things you can then learn about yourself are immense 

[Deleted Member]

I consider myself very new to poly but extremely open minded. My reason for a feeling of being trapped in a mono relationship comes from the pressure of my incredibly complex and wild mental health/life. I know that everyone has their struggles but I am aware that I have a lot going on at any one time and it stuns people to know my reality. I don't want the full weight of that burden on anyone and I have found nearly all my relationships have broken down ultimately because they couldn't handle what has happened to me which tears it all apart. I believe in honesty and transparency in all my relationships (friends and romantically).

I spend 10 months effectively thinking I might have been asexual as I lost my libido after my last breakup but I honestly was so happy having lots of friends around me I could lean on when I needed to but looking after myself as a priority and that worked.

I have a lot of love to give which is why I believe poly is for me (often my love in mono relationships was too much for my partner) but I am yet to actively practise the lifestyle so I might be back in a year or so with it having been wholly unsuccessful.

My biggest difficulty on the surface is probably jealousy which has already been mentioned on this thread, thank you @Firewitch for your words on that