Molly's BDSM Tips | What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

If you've never come across the terms 'ethical non-monogamy' or 'nesting partner', *** not, our Molly returns to help out one confused member on understanding the notion of a 'nesting partner' and explains this within the broader context of ethical non-monogamous relationship dynamics.

Dear Molly,
I recently went on a date with someone who told me they were in an open relationship. I was cool with the idea, although it is a new experience for me. However, during the date, they referenced their 'nesting partner', and I wasn't sure what that term meant. I didn't want to look silly or make them feel uncomfortable, so I didn't ask them what it meant. Can you help me?
A Newone

Dear A Newone,
Welcome to the world of ethical non-monogamy. Like many things, the terminology surrounding ethical non-monogamy can be confusing, especially to those who are new to it (and sometimes even those involved with it) mainly as the details on any given relationship can be very different. So, you're not the first person unsure what some of those words mean. Usually doing a bit of research online will help you, but let me explain a bit more.

What is ethical non-monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy is essentially an umbrella term for people that engage in multiple sexual or romantic relationships at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all the people involved. For example, those people who are in open relationships, poly relationships, swinging, solo poly etc. are all practising some ethical non-monogamy. How those different styles work for different people depends on what the individuals involved have negotiated.

What is a nesting partner?

The term nesting partner describes the person that someone lives with. Primarily, they've made a nest together - as in a home. The term nesting partner is also one that many prefer instead of calling someone their 'primary partner' as it can imply there's a layer of hierarchy to the relationship structure they're involved in. Those who use the term nesting partner give all their partners equal importance.

Calling someone a nesting partner means they're the person whom they share a home with and perhaps, might have chosen to co-parent with. It's possible that they may be the person they live with and have a sexual relationship. Also, there are nesting partners who choose this for reasons such as parenting but are not in a sexual relationship.

What does my date mean by nesting partner?

I understand this can sound complicated, especially when you don't know the dynamic they have with the partner they live with. The key to understanding all these terms is to research what they mean in a broader sense, then use these terms to have conversations with others to understand what they mean to a particular individual.

Now that you know the term nesting partner is the partner they live with, you can use this knowledge as a stepping stone to expand that conversation in the future and establish how that relationship works for the people in it.

Having a base understanding shows you have done the work to educate yourself and can now explore more in-depth on an individual basis what it means to that person - and therefore potentially for you if you were to be in a relationship with that person.

While it doesn't sound straightforward, it doesn't have to be complicated. Do some research and then have conversations with people to gain a better understanding of what their situation is, and how ethical non-monogamy works for them.

Does ethical non-monogamy work for you?

Open relationships don't work for everyone. The key is being honest with yourself while exploring which aspects work for you. Some people like swinging, hence they have sexual relationships with other people, but are not usually romantic in nature. They may even say they are 'mono-romantic' as that form of non-monogamy suits them.

As you learn more, you'll be able to work out what does and doesn't suit you, but also remember for some people monogamy is their ideal relationship structure and that's OK too. The key to it all is the ethical part and making sure that everyone involved is fully informed and enthusiastically consenting to that relationship dynamic.
Good luck,
Molly x