Long Term Relationships

[Li****]

6 minutes ago, LittleSoulTease said:

I love the "he kept me hydrated and fed me chocolate." Win. 🎉

*But in all seriousness, that's amazing and holds hope for a lot of us.

[ba****]

Friday at 10:00 PM, Aranhis said:

The longest dynamic I've found through this site probably lasted the best part of a year, whereas the only what I would term "relationship" (in terms of meeting family, doing the bf/gf labels, talking about a potential future together etc) I've had as a result of this site was six months long.

A great many people I know are in LTRs in BDSM (and that's what I hope to find), but I've become sceptical as to how likely it now is to find it here.

It used to be the case that people started relatively slowly, often got to know and get a feel for each other from the various forums before even considering interacting in personal DMs. Even for those that didn't use the forums, the odds were that if you sent a message it would get opened. If you had a decent grasp of the art of conversation, weren't scattergunning, and could provide an interesting introduction, you'd generally receive quite a good response rate. For me these led to making some great friends, some interactions which were more, and some which were simply passing conversations.

Those days are long gone. The territory has changed, and not for the better. I won't presume to write about the female experience of approaching men here (yes guys it DOES happen, from authentic women who are not fake or after your ***). But since the launch of the app and rapid expansion of the membership (many of whom do not understand the kink community), women's inboxes are absolutely flooded with dross - unsolicited and vile d*ck pics, ***, fantasies, propositions etc and well as less obvious disrespect and copy-paste messages which have had little or no thought put into them. It simply isn't reasonable to expect every message to be opened, let alone processed or replied to.

So it is that we have the situation we've been in for a while. Women are overwhelmed by the traffic (and content of such traffic) coming into their inboxes, and too many men grumble that women are "timewasters" or "stringing them along".

I've gone on a bit of a tangent there, the point I'm trying to make is that the result is everybody finds it harder to make an authentic, practical, compatible connection with a potential LTR partner. I don't know what the solution is.

I'm not giving up though. I know it can happen. I've seen it. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. In the meanwhile, the friends I've made along the way make it all worthwhile. Besides, there are always munches and events to meet your future partner at 😉

Facts!!!

[Deleted Member]

love long term relationships but it's hard to find some one on an app I think, I'm more ol skoo id rather meet some one in person. like at a park or work, but I'ma give a chance to try to find a friend on here for long-term. 

[Deleted Member]

btw I justwent through a divorce. was married for 5 years.with a long time lady friend,it sucks loosing someone who u been with for so long. sio long terms can have its downfall 

[Ta****]

I have to say that I came on here out of curiosity and I treat most online forums as a form of communication more than a way to meet a new sub, slave or playmate. I have met former subs and slaves through other apps or sites, so I won’t say it can’t happen, but I’ve never met someone who was ready to assume a role immediately. That just isn’t realistic because you need to meet and feel the chemistry, the vibe and the potential dynamic. Dynamics just don’t exist because of your self proclaimed role. I don’t dominate just because I’m a Dom. A sub doesn’t submit just because of her or his submissive personality. That wouldn’t be real or fulfilling.

[Sh****]

I think that’s the right attitude, forums are a place where like-minded people can hang out, make friends, learn from each other etc. This just happens to be a forum for kinky people, and sure some lucky people will meet their special someone here just like I know a couple on a Heavy metal forum who found each other there, but it’s important to remember that is the exception, not the rule. 

[Hy****]

Women generally have a lot more clout and dating because men are just so needy and women get to pick what they want, even if there is a lot of slag. It’s difficult for a lot of women to imagine how little traffic men get, and difficult for men to imagine how much traffic women get. I’m only making this point as to inform you of that if you can figure out the character of the person through the cues of their writing, which many people can if they’ve been doing it long enough, you should be able to communicate boundaries and pasting that fits your needs.

Pacing changes for the people involved. A lot of BDSM has Nurodiverse people, Which often changes the pacing from very fast or to very long depending on their attachment style. I usually fuck on date 2-3 and stay with my partners for years. I don’t think I’m a typical case.

[El****]

I haven't found anything at all

[pe****]

I've been on multiple sites for 2 years and haven't found anything promising. Most of our lifestyle has been compromised by people just wanting to take advantage or get laid.
I require a very long vetting process of any interested Dom and they simply don't have the patience. That's how I know they aren't D types and so thankful they lose interest.
80% here have tunnel vision and don't read profiles. The amount of messages I get not even meeting my age requirement is ridiculous. Still they send me stupid arrogant messages and have the expectation I fall at their feet. I'm too old for that BS!!

[He****]

It’s possible but like most things in life - you get out what you put in. I was on here for about a month when I connected with someone who proved to be sooo special. We chatted for about 6mths before actually meeting but when we did….it was so natural as we already felt kinda close. We spent 3 months on a hedonistic passionate whirlwind romance between Paris, Tuscany and S*** until distance pulled us apart. I only now realize how lucky I was, as it seems that most aren’t graced with such good fortune. I’m so so grateful for the experience. I kinda thought it would never happen. It was my first authentic relationship - hopefully not my last.
Be real - you’ll get there quicker !

[do****]

13 hours ago, Hyrrolar said:

Women generally have a lot more clout and dating because men are just so needy and women get to pick what they want, even if there is a lot of slag. It’s difficult for a lot of women to imagine how little traffic men get, and difficult for men to imagine how much traffic women get. I’m only making this point as to inform you of that if you can figure out the character of the person through the cues of their writing, which many people can if they’ve been doing it long enough, you should be able to communicate boundaries and pasting that fits your needs.

Pacing changes for the people involved. A lot of BDSM has Nurodiverse people, Which often changes the pacing from very fast or to very long depending on their attachment style. I usually fuck on date 2-3 and stay with my partners for years. I don’t think I’m a typical case.

This is sexist and generalistic on so many levels. It's 2024. I grew up in a household with 6 ***s, 5 of them older. I got just as much attention from women as they did men, if not more. More of their friends tried to sleep with me more than my friends tried to sleep with them. Of course, what I would do to my friends played a part, but a small one because a couple did sleep with a couple of my ***s. One even married one. But I still did sleep with more of their friends. It's all on the person, no matter the gender. Wilt Chamberlain sleep with way more women than any basketball wives 🤷🏾‍♂️ just saying. It's all about the person and the energy you possess. Stop feeding in to age old stereotypes. Do you and the rest will follow. Just my opinion. Women want it just as much as men. Everyone has hormones. It just that women are a little more selective than men because unfortunately after it's done they have a probability of being left holding the bag AKA a bundle of joy. The only factor that keeps this narrative going is that parents are not raising men correctly. Therefore releasing little monsters on the world to keep this generalization narrative going. Glad I'm not a part of it 🤷🏾‍♂️

[Ta****]

7 hours ago, petitefitgirl said:

I've been on multiple sites for 2 years and haven't found anything promising. Most of our lifestyle has been compromised by people just wanting to take advantage or get laid.
I require a very long vetting process of any interested Dom and they simply don't have the patience. That's how I know they aren't D types and so thankful they lose interest.
80% here have tunnel vision and don't read profiles. The amount of messages I get not even meeting my age requirement is ridiculous. Still they send me stupid arrogant messages and have the expectation I fall at their feet. I'm too old for that BS!!

I agree about the online community being infiltrated with fakes and wannabes, but honestly 2 years online is nothing and no real Dom is going to kiss your ass through some long convoluted vetting process. Because the online community has become such a shit show, I take the exact opposite approach. I don’t give a shit what you can write or chat about. I don’t care what you e read. If you dint meet in person in a public place even for coffee on a Sunday afternoon then you don’t exist to me. If you can’t meet at a munch or event then why would I be able interested in you. Real people do real things. Try getting off your phone or laptop and actually meeting someone like a person. It never ceases to amaze me how people can say “this doesn’t work” but keep doing the exact same thing. What’s that sound like? Insanity. The online community barely represents the real life kink community. If you actually want to meet someone, you have to leave your house and do something different. I’ll make this even clearer. 20+ years in this lifestyle, I’ve NEVER collared a sub or slave I met from a kink site. I met them elsewhere and the dynamic became obvious in real life. Could it happen? Sure but you still approach someone without any assumptions, like a person. Guess what? In person, in a dungeon, in a club… you better have respect for others or you won’t be there long. Same should apply here.

[sp****]

Let me talk to ya! I've been here for months. I've been on Tinder for 8 years on and off. Same with POF. I've been on Hily for 2 years and facebook dating for 4 months.Have had 5 chick's reply to me and talked for at least a week 1 lasted 7 months. Every time, I feel like they don't want to meet or talk or put effort into the building process. Like, idk if I'm doing anything wrong. I'm here to figure out my kinks. But that's hard without talking and meeting. I don't want a one night stand but more like friends with benefits and / or a relationship. But like either the girl wants to say, "I don't have gas cash app me 15 and I can meet." Or "I make content, " but I really wish to talk to meet and explore. Where those women at that actually meet.

[Ja****]

We had a Unicorne with my wife for 1 year off of here.

[Di****]

16 hours ago, Tat2Doc said:

I agree about the online community being infiltrated with fakes and wannabes, but honestly 2 years online is nothing and no real Dom is going to kiss your ass through some long convoluted vetting process. Because the online community has become such a shit show, I take the exact opposite approach. I don’t give a shit what you can write or chat about. I don’t care what you e read. If you dint meet in person in a public place even for coffee on a Sunday afternoon then you don’t exist to me. If you can’t meet at a munch or event then why would I be able interested in you. Real people do real things. Try getting off your phone or laptop and actually meeting someone like a person. It never ceases to amaze me how people can say “this doesn’t work” but keep doing the exact same thing. What’s that sound like? Insanity. The online community barely represents the real life kink community. If you actually want to meet someone, you have to leave your house and do something different. I’ll make this even clearer. 20+ years in this lifestyle, I’ve NEVER collared a sub or slave I met from a kink site. I met them elsewhere and the dynamic became obvious in real life. Could it happen? Sure but you still approach someone without any assumptions, like a person. Guess what? In person, in a dungeon, in a club… you better have respect for others or you won’t be there long. Same should apply here.

Very well said.

[Deleted Member]

My partner and I are both on this app, but we met on Bumble of all places. He was upfront about being kinky on his profile, and I went straight for it. We texted for a little over a week before we met in person

I felt strongly we would be a good match because we were both upfront and extremely candid early on about what we wanted for our lives, and it wasn’t generic stuff that you could really fake in hopes of hooking someone for a ONS or a casual thing

Not long ago he told a potential playmate, who asked how we met and decided to have a kinky ENM relationship, that we were friends who had great chemistry and shared values. His answer gave me pause at first, because technically we met on a dating app, but he’s right. We started working on a friendship before we met, and even though things progressed pretty quickly it’s been the friendship and the shared goals and values that have made things work for us in the long term

[Ta****]

12 hours ago, spruce-pine783 said:

Let me talk to ya! I've been here for months. I've been on Tinder for 8 years on and off. Same with POF. I've been on Hily for 2 years and facebook dating for 4 months.Have had 5 chick's reply to me and talked for at least a week 1 lasted 7 months. Every time, I feel like they don't want to meet or talk or put effort into the building process. Like, idk if I'm doing anything wrong. I'm here to figure out my kinks. But that's hard without talking and meeting. I don't want a one night stand but more like friends with benefits and / or a relationship. But like either the girl wants to say, "I don't have gas cash app me 15 and I can meet." Or "I make content, " but I really wish to talk to meet and explore. Where those women at that actually meet.

My dude! First and foremost, if a supposed sub is not putting forth an effort to talk directly to you, drop it like a hot potato. Gas ***? Total scam! If they’re not interested enough to meet for a cup of coffee in broad daylight, don’t waste your time, move on. As a 20+ yr veteran of the kink community, the real people go to munches. At the very least, at a munch you can make real friends.

Now online dating advise… Bumble, Tinder, POF or any other… message a few times to establish mutual interest and then get off the app with a phone number or something direct like Telegram. Establish a non-threatening meeting within 7 days. I always try for 3-4 days. At least one voice call in the first 2 days. A quick video call preferred. Make the effort to meet that first week. Don’t waste time on chronic penpals. First meeting is a meet n greet, not a date. Set your date at the meet n greet.

[sp****]

8 hours ago, Tat2Doc said:

My dude! First and foremost, if a supposed sub is not putting forth an effort to talk directly to you, drop it like a hot potato. Gas ***? Total scam! If they’re not interested enough to meet for a cup of coffee in broad daylight, don’t waste your time, move on. As a 20+ yr veteran of the kink community, the real people go to munches. At the very least, at a munch you can make real friends.

Now online dating advise… Bumble, Tinder, POF or any other… message a few times to establish mutual interest and then get off the app with a phone number or something direct like Telegram. Establish a non-threatening meeting within 7 days. I always try for 3-4 days. At least one voice call in the first 2 days. A quick video call preferred. Make the effort to meet that first week. Don’t waste time on chronic penpals. First meeting is a meet n greet, not a date. Set your date at the meet n greet.

For me, I understand that and do all that. I can't get one reply unless it's a scammer. I don't give ***, but it just gets old after so long.

[Deleted Member]

On 3/15/2024 at 2:06 PM, TastyPastry33 said:

I've been on the site for over a month and I'm wondering if people have found long term relationships here or through the BDSM community. Did you start slowly and build anticipation? Did you get together quickly and just stay together? Please share your thoughts on how likely you think LTRs occur through BDSM.

Always best to start slow. Communicate and sew if you are aligned. If you are then long term is possible

[ad****]

I only found one real person out of like 50

[Vi****]

Not that many people in my country using the app, but found a few online subs, so not great but good for online fun

[Ro****]

Hard time enough having a consistent  conversation first lol

[cr****]

My friend recommended this app to me and she met her boyfriend on here. They’ve been together for five years

[Hy****]

Part of navigating online spaces is being able to project concepts and intentions through literacy, And that’s a skill that A) not everyone has (or can even develop), and B) Isn’t well-suited for developing through dating.

Even if you are able to do it, having your proof of concept match up with who you are in person does always work.

I don’t like talking to people long online before meeting them, but that also means I have to snag their attention in a short amount of time, especially since the competition is so high. As a woman, you have the opposite problem; you have to sift through the slag.

[Hy****]

I honestly don’t recommend starting slow. Meet people, get a feel for their body language, do something messy. It will teach you a lot more than a slow process, but that may not be the way you want to do it and can lead to bad outcomes (even if no one is at fault)

This process gets a lot easier when you have a clear understanding of what you want and how to communicate it. If you don’t, that’s your biggest problem.