Mastering BDSM in Polyamorous Relationships

Is it possible to have two or more very well-established and ongoing non-monogamous BDSM relationships simultaneously? Well, of course, yes! Writer Abi Brown is living exactly that and explains how she manages BDSM in her polyamorous relationships.

I'm neither into monogamy nor vanilla, so I have two Dominants, both of whom I see frequently. Both of whom have given me rules, and a specific dynamic is well-established and consistent. While a lot of BDSM is essentially about mind games, both of my present dynamics involve a concept of 'ownership' - albeit in different ways - and that takes some figuring out. So the question is: how can you belong to two people at once?

One answer to this is, of course, 'role play'. You're not anyone's possession/pet/slave/whatever, but for me, I find that this breaks the doublethink that I need to feel what we're doing is real. Also, the sensation of reality is essential to me as a submissive.

Then there's the fact that some prevalent kinky practices spill outside of the time you spend directly with that person. Orgasm control and denial are so common as to be almost ubiquitous. Whether you need to ask permission to come or sometimes have your orgasm privileges revoked as a punishment - this comes up in more kinky relationships than it is absent.

So how can you keep that consistent when there might be two (or more) people wanting some control over that aspect of your life? The best way I've found of resolving these problems (and others like them) is simple: word your rules carefully. Keep your sex lives as separate as you can, unless there's some specific group-sex related reason to think about how to combine them.

Using honorific's in BDSM polyamorous relationships

Give some thought to what you call your Dominants your in polyamorous relationships. Many BDSM relationships involve some title or honorific. In my personal experience, the most common is 'Sir' and 'Ma'am', but there are plenty of others. Master and Mistress come up a lot, too, and plenty of people like more specific things like Lord or Lady or Goddess or Boss. Certain kinks come with their own, like the use of Daddy or Mamma or some similar name in this context.

I seem to have a firm preference for not 'doubling up' on those names. I have plenty of exes whom I've called Sir or Ma'am in the past. For me, I only want to have one person using that name at a time. For my two current Dominants, I use two different names. These names reflect the kind of relationship I have with them and the nature of our dynamics.

Making D/s work alongside other relationships

Of course, you're probably not the only person in these polyamorous relationships who have other partners to think about. Neither of my Doms is my primary partner. I choose not to have one of those, or at least not right now. One of them has a primary partner of their own, while the other currently doesn't - but I'm sure they will again at some point in the not too distant future.

One of my hobby horses is how to be an excellent secondary partner in a polyamorous relationship that follows the primary/secondary model, as mine seem to tend to. A lot of that stuff goes double when there's kink involved. It's easy (and healthy!) to get incredibly attached to someone you have an intense dynamic with. So you're going to need to be very aware of where your feelings are at, and how well you're treating the other people on the periphery of your polyamorous relationship.

What happens when there's a new relationship?

Then, of course, there's 'new relationship energy' (NRE). Things change when people get into new relationships, and if there's a chance that one of your partners might soon take up with someone new, you need to be ready for them to be a little more distant while they have the 'honeymoon phase'. Compersion is a useful thing to cultivate here!

The trick to all of these things is the same: communication. Keep in touch with your partner, both about your BDSM dynamic and about the rest of your relationship. Make sure they're hearing your needs, and you're listening to theirs.

BDSM and non-monogamy can intersect in surprising ways. I'm having some of the most intense dynamic-exploring sex of my life because of these polyamorous relationships. Like everything, it does take a little figuring out.

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy and wearing too much jewellery.