Anybody else anxious attacher?

[Te****]

I’m AuDHD and incredibly self-aware but when I feel like I really hit it off with someone, it’s like someone cuts the break lines and I’m pumping them hard but can’t stop but get really intense until I get ghosted. Anyone got any tips on how to just stay chill and not get carried away in your head just cause you’ve been having a great chat with someone for a few hours… it’s exhausting getting ghosted by people just because I get a bit overexcited and start asking too many questions etc.

[Deleted Member]

Maybe instead of messaging them all of your questions try writing said questions in a notepad. Just to get the urge out of your system but you’ll still have your questions written down to ask at a later date. :)

[Deleted Member]

I think it’s horrible when people ghost people for any reason. They need to just be nice but honest, and say that they are not interested in continuing chatting or dating or whatever. Or they can say they don’t think it will work out for them. People who ghost people to me are cowards.

[UrsaMajor]

Neurotypical people will never understand how hard we have to work to get absolutely nowhere. ADHD is the monkey's paw version of 'wish not for a light load but a strong back.'

[La****]

Getting to know someone is an adventure not a race. Try and stay focused on learning as little as two or three new things each convo versus everything all at once. Savor the new knowledge and have yalls about that and general life stuff. When someone let's me feel like they want to get to know me at my pace, I'm more likely to open up and want to talk to them.

[Deleted Member]

As someone who has AuDHD. I have had to learn to be very self-aware. I let the person I want to get to know set the pace of questions. I let them know up front what I have, so if I do cone on to strong, let me know so I can back off a bit. I have found some good friends doing that and a few great subs. Take it and turn it into a strength. With it you are more aware both to self and others. We see things others sometimes dont.
It freaks out people I just met that I know how they feeling with a brief look into their eyes lol.

[fr****]

Your giving too much too soon ... when ppl attend a bday party they dont get *** fed cake and shown the door .... post nut clarity..... leave them wanting more

[li****]

Don't try to shut it off ...but learn to keep more information to yourself. I do the same thing, and I write a whole book in my head of hypotheticals when I'm only going to get ghosted. We're literally wasting energy! I've had all the notifications on my phone turned off for a month, and the peaceful time away from stimulation was refreshing! It's okay to think of possibilities in your head. But keep your poker face on and don't show all of your cards right away, or they'll run for sure. Option 2 find someone who can understand, so you don't have to do that. People will say that y seem normal and cool ... then they end up complaining about all the ticks that are your disability.

[Th****]

I feel that. I’m ADHD and it’s something I have to be aware of as well.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, yugola22 said:

Maybe instead of messaging them all of your questions try writing said questions in a notepad. Just to get the urge out of your system but you’ll still have your questions written down to ask at a later date. :)

This is exactly what I do. Sometimes just getting thoughts out of my head is enough and I don’t end up needing to share them. I am also AuDHD…Honestly, knowing this about yourself is half the battle. Read up on limerance. Date other neurodivergent people. Neurotypicals don’t understand us

[Lo****]

What’s AuDHD? Is that different from ADHD?

[Deleted Member]

As a professional Dom, you just need to find a safe place. Whether it’s in your interpersonal perspective or outer thing, none of which is wrong.

[En****]

59 minutes ago, Love2weld said:

What’s AuDHD? Is that different from ADHD?

AuADHD is a mix of autism and ADHD.

[En****]

I agree it is exhausting when you feel you are building this great connection and poof gone. Then because of my ADHD I over analyze ever little bit of the conversation wondering the I did wrong. When in reality it’s not me, it’s the other person just wanting a short time chat mate.

[Deleted Member]

Treat it like an addiction. You know it's going to be nearly impossible to resist replying immediately. So find distractions. I have found that you can distract yourself with their interests, which makes you feel like you are getting closer to them, without them feeling smothered. For example, they like a band you don't know or even don't like. Try listening to them between chats/messages. They play squash, but you don't know anything about it. Learn all the rules, history etc. Really lean your AuDHD into it and you'll find you are satisfying that desire to connect with them being at least partially filled. I will then keep all that knowledge to myself and only share it with them if it comes up in conversation, or I want to surprise them. I'm not saying this helps too much with being chill, but from their perspective it may seem that way.

P.s. please if anyone completely disagrees with me, I'd love to know. Also AuDHD and I also have a problem with sometimes cutting my brakes for a girl I like.

[ca****]

I think this is a great question (well asked) - and Looks like there is some good advice.

 

Being somewhat in this space (arent we all)....  I can relate.

 

I like the idea of maybe writing down your thoughts and trying to limit yourslef to dealing with one or 2 questions at a time....   for me, that way the conversation should progress and find its own path more naturally.

 

 

Edited August 1, 2025 by callipygian

[Ni****]

Dont let her have all the power bby.
Its better to hold on to self control.

[re****]

I am. The problem I’m running into now that I’m able to control it is the women I actually am able to connect with (when I do) will think I’m too much if I let it happen, and if I hold back they think I’m not interested.
And NOW I’m finding that if I communicate my intentions clearly, that’s also a red flag.

[ch****]

I’m finding that honestly make them squirt and turn them out. Then the next day they are sore. They tell me this what they really want. Then when they get it “it’s too much”. I also wanna find my person so bad that I think I need to learn how to turn it back a little. But then I say to myself either they like me or they don’t. Why should I be someone I’m not for them. You’re starting the relationship on sort of a lie I think.

[Do****]

Im AuDHD as well and I call it our version of “love bombing .” What I usually do is set expectations for myself while talking . If i can tell they are getting flustered I back off, i make sure I count the number of questions I ask ( stick with 4, until convo opens on their end) and i also never sit by my phone. I’m weird so everything has a lot of things to do but that should help you out a bit!! (At least i hope it does🙂‍↕️)

[an****]

Acknowledge it and slow down. I do this as well but I'm slowly getting better at it. Acknowledging those feelings when they turn up is important so you know when you're starting to get away from yourself. And just try to limit how much you're putting out. Helps if you have hobbies to distract you from those heightened feelings. You don't have to ignore the person or be stoic, just kinda redirect a small percentage of that passion into something for yourself that you like/want.

[Deleted Member]

I have that problem. I like so few people that I tend to get over excited when I'm interested in someone and then I get attached much too easy. I can't seem to come up with a solution that isn't extreme so I'm pretty much stuck. 🙃

[Jo****]

Bother let it simmer understand how to cook, you can’t rush it. By the time the food will tell you when it’s ready and that’s when you eat.

[LA****]

I feel you and am going through the same problems. I don't know if we're completely the same, but I have a need for human contact and when I don't get it I get depressed. I managed through a dead bedroom relationship for a decade because I at least had one arm that I could sling over someone any night I wanted.

Just last night I got that hit of serotonin and oxytocin from a woman at a munch who got a little cuddly with me. Just prolonged contact of her leg against my leg and her arm against my arm. Today for the first time in months I didn't feel anxious to the point of obsessing over nothing but seeking intimacy. Because of this need my therapist pointed me to an organization called cuddle sanctuary. That and other cuddle events are what I'm going to need to sustain myself moving forward, I think.

On the other note of romanticizing hard, I would recommend that you find friends you can express your excessive feelings too to get them off your chest more. Kinda like what I'm doing here sharing my experiences. Also work on being creative about how you express yourself with simplicity and short being the best practices.

When it comes to response time, you really need to discipline yourself to generally respond in half the amount of time that it took for them to get back to you. That practice will keep your brakes tapped and give them room to breathe. I struggle with it too.

I happen to sing, and I don't know if you're into that, but just as an example of how creative you want to get, one submissive I'm trying to learn from as a Dom had a panic attack because she skipped too many of her medications that she was attempting to wean herself off of. What I did to express myself as a functional protest behavior, if that can really describe what it is, is I recorded myself singing acapella of Unwell by Matchbox 20.

I texted her a link to the audio file and left a message "sending you empathy vibes". Initially I didn't have a song in mind that I could think of to sing for her, but I went online and looked for songs that were good for expressing frustrations with anxiety and from the list that was one that I recognized and a band that I really appreciated. So from there, I practiced until I could stop crying while I'm singing because it was such a good fit for how both of us felt in our own way. Then I did the final recording and was happy with it and sent it.

It was a lot of work and passion on my part to put into her. I have no idea if she understands the amount of work I put in, but that doesn't matter. The excess is me venting my frustration that I can't yet be with her while at the same time, she was able to feel like I was giving her space and sending her sincere loves. She replied with a ❤️. That's all I needed from her for me to hold off. And the very same day I was at that munch with that woman I mentioned above who cuddled against me.

Stay active and find the best ways to vent your feels as they happen. No need to try to deny them or hold them off.

[LA****]

It's really about how you express your intentions. Try reassuring them as you that there's "No pressure" and that ”You don't owe me anything" there's "no obligation".

Admit that you are anxious and have some of these protest behaviors that you are working on. Also, ask if they want to hear a fantasy you have before telling them if they never brought the topic up before. If they haven't expressed that desire already you might be forcing your kink fantasy on them without knowing it.

And for every little thing in that way, continuously ask for their consent. Even the little things. My fav pickup line now is, "Excuse me, could I have your consent to flirt with you?" Think about the tiniest things which might be unexpected boundaries and ask for consent.

If the mood has you dominating and it starts to sound weak of you to ask so much, I have a solution to keep domination. A code alongside the colors safewords. I offer them and ask for even consent to use this code. When I say "Permit me to X" she can respond "You may X" or "You may Y" if she's ok with something of a set intensity or adjacent to your request, or "You may not" if she is not ok with it. It comes off as a sexy command, but it is asking her consent and respecting that.