Need advice

[en****]

My bf and I have been together for a little over a year. Hes been in the lt for 20ish years and I have just started to explore. He’s a dom and I’m a sub. It was amazing in the beginning but lately we’ve been having a hard time even having regular sex. I’m wondering if it d/s relationships, as you continue to build your relationship outside of sex, could that inferior with the sex? We discuss it a lot openly but still haven’t found a solution. We did think that it was hard for him to dom me and treat me the way I need because he loves/cares for me too much. We also both still have a sec drive, but lately when we try and have sex it feels we are missing a beat, it’s not natural and doesn’t flow. Has anyone else had this happen? I’m even considering a sex therapist but want to ask on here first. Any thoughts and suggestions would be great :)

[jj****]

Are the two of you just not compatible? I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced WORSE sex with a more emotionally intimate relationship.

[Wo****]

Is it his fault or yours that you’re not having regular sex?

[Deleted Member]

How do you think they feel, when you’re not asking them instead some kink chat forum

[da****]

I think it’s best if u sat down and have a proper conversation as u seem a bit unsure on what’s going on the first step is to establish what’s going on and why he is hesitant- I think it may go further than him caring too much- communication is the most important thing u need to decide how to go forward together and if needs be consulting with a sex therapist.

[It****]

My hubby me little same but from another way.

We were married and begin do things, I want be dominated by Dom, he is not comfort to really Dom me because, as you say, love care to much.
Other kinks we do together, but solutions for us is I visit others for that.

[Deleted Member]

That sounds very complicated and frustrating. You have my sympathy.

So it is possible that this might be a personality issue...he might be the kind of person that gets less enjoyment the easier things become or once the "new" has worn off. Take a look and see, how often does he get really excited about something, really into it for a bit, then sort of just move on?

It's also possible that you two have become very comfortable with each other and your roles are becoming blurred. He sees you more as a domestic partner and less of a submissive partner. Check your own self and ask, am I still as eager and acting as eager for that treatment that I crave or have you stepped back.

Try taking a moment to clearly reestablish your roles with each other. Remind him that his care is best shown when he meets your sub needs. Encourage him to show you what makes him your Dom. Get a little bratty, and don't stop until you trigger his instincts.

Best way to reawaken the dynamic is to (wisely) misbehave and be challenging.

However, having said all of that, your instinct to seek a professional's help is also very smart and I would pursue that as well. Good luck! Hope to hear a success story follow up in the future

[jo****]

You guys could have an open relationship to explore other people so the spice is there. As long as yo both are okay with it, it shouldn’t be a problem. Just communicate and remind each other you’re mean for no one but each other.

[Ma****]

Weeeelllll hate to say it. It's him. Not u

[Deleted Member]

Hes fucking other women u don’t know about it sounds like

[Re****]

My advice is to stop the whole D/s thing. Or, you could keep pursuing it and hope your therapy *** doesn't run out before your relationship dies and you find yourself too broke to fix something you paid to break.

[Deleted Member]

I think the key here is in what you said about him loving and caring for you and it messing up the Dom/sub side of it, I'd say communication should fix that, especially since you said he's been in the lifestyle for 20 years ..... I would think he'd be experienced enough to know how to deal with that

[Ma****]

12 minutes ago, Reno13 said:

My advice is to stop the whole D/s thing. Or, you could keep pursuing it and hope your therapy *** doesn't run out before your relationship dies and you find yourself too broke to fix something you paid to break.

100

[Ma****]

Cringey

[Deleted Member]

LeoLoves comment is the only one helpful here. I can't believe the amount of people just being assholes. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

[My****]

You two have too much time together to not be able to consider a therapist to fix this without professional help you owe it to your selves to work it out one way or another

[ey****]

From what you've said...

The thing is that most relationships are "good at first" and then once the initial new relationship energy wears off it's very... sink or swim.   

It may well be you are two good people just finding you're not really compatible and not quite getting what you'd both like from it.   As it's a relatively new relationship it would still suck to either end the relationship, or, remove/change the D/s element but that may be the solution.   Even changing how you do things may cause some form of resentment into one or both of you which will ultimately lead you to be unhappy again.   If you're talking between yourselves and unable to find solutions then, alas, strangers on the internet can offer very little and therapists will gladly take your *** but things like "sex therapists" aren't a protected term - anyone can call themselves one and charge you for it.

If it's like... no, we love each other but something isn't right... then focus on what does work for you both.

Incidentally, do NOT go down the 'open the relationship' route - yours needs to be rock solid first which it clearly isn't. 

[He****]

3 hours ago, jose_24u2 said:

You guys could have an open relationship to explore other people so the spice is there. As long as yo both are okay with it, it shouldn’t be a problem. Just communicate and remind each other you’re mean for no one but each other.

Their relating isn't as it should be why the hell involve other people. Open relationships are for those whose own relationships are absolutely rock solid, not floundering like a fish out of water, as this appears to currently be. 

[fc****]

My struggle in a nutshell. You develop a relationship beyond the sex and things get weird. I found the best solution was 'on time'. The sesh would begin with getting the collar. That signaled the switch. Of course you have to discuss it beforehand,but throw some sexting or spice up the conversation a bit. Hope it helps

[On****]

Any thread like this will have good and bad advice so read accordingly. Not uncommon a year into a relationship to see the NRE fade and you both start to see what you are and are not compatible with each others needs in a relationship. Communication will never be more important than right now in resolving this together and this will depend on how much both of you are willing to invest in the dynamic and therapy can help.
Like everyone in the vanilla world, people involved in kink and BDSM may need the services of a therapist. However, there are several considerations that should be considered when seeking a good fit. Many relationship therapists will bristle at the mention of bdsm let alone alternative lifestyle sex therapy so it's important any therapist you choose has this experience in addition to traditional. There are lists of licensed therapists and more information on fetlife, search "Justines List" this group has a wealth of professionals listed in most every field of expertise. Cheers 🥂 14R

[Si****]

It seems he’s struggling to get into Dom space and that affects you from going into your sub space. It might be because he cares a lot for you but when I fell in love with my sub it just made me want to dominate her even more. It also sounds like it’s trying to be ***d now then letting it naturally happen. I can only suggest more communication and reassure him while in a play session that it’s ok for him to be ruff with you or to degrade you if that’s what your into and slowly coax him if he struggling to dom you which I know will take the fun out of it for you but maybe that will help get things back on track.

[My****]

My bad Im guessing my advice wasn't too good last time but I hope you two have figured it out

[Mr****]

At the most basic way to look at this. Even though you are a sub, it is still all about what you want and need in life. It is your life.. if the person in your life can not meet those needs then it is time to move on. You’re not happy. Why water a peach tree that don’t give you any peaches? Just sayin. Do what makes you happy.

[Ch****]

Our guess is that you're bumping up against a limit that isnt expressed as a limit, because doms can sometimes have a "Yeah, i can do that, because im a dom" attitude, even if they dont want to. Maybe before the feelings increased, kink (let's pretend it was ***) wasnt that tough to do because the feelings weren't there. It might be tougher when the feelings increase...and yet it should be the opposite. When feelings increase, it should be easier to give your partner what they want. Unless its actually something that is more like a limit. We're also wondering if there may be some cultural teachings in play here...like its okay if you do things to a w*ore you dont love, not okay if you start seeing that person like a wife. Maybe some dynamic like that is coming up? He'll need to be a lot more introspective and communicative about it, we'd guess.

[Ga****]

What helped me in the past was sitting down and explaining "I enjoy this because of this" and it opened my eyes to some of the things that were necessary for both of us to enjoy ourselves and how to fit them into what I have planned. It sounds like he might not enjoy some of the things he does for you but does as a service. Finding the right balance is tough but it takes communication and understanding