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In contradiction with my feelings


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Posted (edited)

I feel... Very strange. 

I have always been keeping my sexual desires as my most hidden, deepest secret, I find it really hard to talk about. I know it's not "abnormal" or nothing wrong with it, and I just like very light things I suppose... I don't know how to phrase this without making it too long. 😅

I like when a man is dominant in bed. But I hate it when he's like that in real life. I know I'm not alone with this, but I kind of feel in contradiction with myself. I like to ask "why". I want to know why! Why do I want to be dominated in bed, why does it turn me on so much more than anything else? Why do I find myself wishing a man would do these things to me, and disappointed when he's vanilla? Why can't I enjoy "normal" sex as much? And why is it so hard for me to talk about it?? I can't even talk about this with my best friend, who I tell everything! Even after it became a trend, I'd rather run a marathon than say these things out loud. 

I did tell my ex boyfriend about it, and he kind of liked it, but that's not enough for me. I want a man to love it as much as I do, and not just do it for me... It turns me off when I have to tell a man what to do... When I have to talk about it... 

Should I just move to a different planet?

 Please help!!! 😭

Edited by Somebody-3677

This would or could take an extremely long, in depth answer but I'm not that kind of guy. It's just the way society conditions us, usually anyone just blatantly discussing their personal sexual preferences would be deemed as being rather forward, slutty even. I'm dominant in bed for example but for great sex it helps if the lady tells me if I'm hitting the spot or not. Ok usually it's pretty obvious but not all girls like to confess to what they may think is forward or a little adventurous. If you just said to a guy I like it like this it's no big deal, if it is then he's no gentleman in my eyes. Ultimately, for me, it's about both partners getting the same level of satisfaction or enjoyment from a relationship. Try thinking of it in that context in the future. I confess a girl telling me what and how she likes things is a huge turn on, and, as I can think a little too deeply sometimes, a handy hint that yes they do like me and this is what they're hoping for.
Ps sex with an alien, that's beyond kinky - good girl


Dreamaway, thank you for your reply. I actually like long, in depth answers hahah. 
When I say that I find it hard to talk about, it's not because I'm afraid of being deemed as slutty... But for some reason I find it SO hard to say it, like physically hard, as if the word was stuck in my throat... and I feel ashamed as well. Uhh it's so hard to explain.

I know that men like to hear what I like. But still I wish I could just telepathically transfer the information hahaha! I guess I'm an alien after all.


I’ve had men write their fantasies to me, I’ve written mine in stories more than once. It’s easier in many ways than saying it out loud. Some things I still can’t say out loud! I will write a “story” which happens to have all the things in I’d like him to do to me. Could that work for you?


Firstly I don't believe there is such a thing as "normal" sex. We, but mostly women" have been told to lie back and think of England for their man. But we've all been told that there is something wrong with us for what others consider 'kink' or fetish. You could take those theories back into religious conditioning or upbringing - that sex wasn't meant to pleasurable but instead just for procreation. Do you have a religious or conservative background at all?

But always the times and understanding are changing. For example I felt "ashamed" when I first saw a transsexual woman. I thought I must be gay (which was taboo in my family). I now realise that I'm actually attracted to feminity rather than women. So whilst I'd declare myself 'straight' I guess I would be fluid by today's terminology. And I'm perfectly fine with that today. I'm also a complete switch. So with one personality I'm very dominant sexually (but rather neutral day to day), and with other personalities I'm a sub. I try not to out labels on things but it helps other people understand.

I've also learnt over time that some people like the fantasy rather than the practicalities. So could it be that you want to test yourself and a dominant partner for a period of time, but in fact it's just the 'idea' / fantasy that turns you on? I wouldn't be concerned about wanting someone to know what to do rather than telling them either. We all want someone with that confidence that just knows how to touch you or excite us, to be insync with us.

For a partner to be dominant can mean many things. It could just be that confidence that people find attractive or it could be more forceful, demanding nature that whilst pleasures you, it's the pleasure you take from serving someone else.

Hope some of this helps? Happy to chat more.


^ to add to the "woman lying back and thinking of England", I've had vanilla girlfriends tell me that I'm perverted for being dominant. Hence why they never lasted that long.


I've found the truth of the matter is the majority of women do enjoy kink at the very least, sex is by definition the act of intercourse to have children, ergo even using a vibrator/dildo, light spanking etc, classed by many as vanilla are in fact kinks as they are different to what's defined as normal sex, as mentioned lie back and think of England, hope this makes sense, and doesn't seem simplistic,


Curvykate, yes writing it down has helped me a lot as well. 


quietlysure, exactly. No such thing as normal :)


Just be honest with what you want and that you want to be dominant in bed

3 hours ago, Somebody-3677 said:

When I say that I find it hard to talk about, it's not because I'm afraid of being deemed as slutty... But for some reason I find it SO hard to say it, like physically hard, as if the word was stuck in my throat... and I feel ashamed as well. Uhh it's so hard to explain.

I know that men like to hear what I like. But still I wish I could just telepathically transfer the information hahaha! I guess I'm an alien after all.

I find it pretty much impossible to say stuff. I can write it, type it... but say it???? Oh lordy no, I want to, I really do, it's just (like you) the words get stuck in my throat.


For me, I think it's because my parents never swore. I don't swear, or at least rarely, so maybe it's because it feels kinda wrong.


I feel the exact same way. Vanilla sex makes me feel bored and unsatisfied. A guy wanting me to guide or take control is like a cold shower. I have no close friends whose minds wouldn't melt at the thoughts of what I want in the bedroom......yet, like you, I do not want to be dominated outside a sexual nature.
I unfortunately went for guys who were dominant (abusive) outside the bedroom but mediocre in it. Only through the last 10 months have I come about face and said "No! I want a Dom not an abuser or a fake". I want submission to someone who will give me what I need but whom I can trust, be that spanking, biting, rough sex etc.
Finding a real Dom, a good Dom....that's proving very hard with fake profiles etc. I'm new to this scene and have been unable to weed out some. I have relied on help from more experienced and spoken for Doms for their knowledge and guidance.


After a lifetime I can offer little advice. 

Doms are not bad boys, not insecure, not abusive.

This site, like all others is full of fake profiles.

Finding the right Dom is no more or less difficult than finding a vanilla partner. If I was to give a piece of advice it would be to really know what you seek.

Seeking to be dominated in one area of your relationahip is not abnormal, having to direct proceedings is not being sub, it's topping from the bottom. So if you like to specify the scene in the bedroom, or wherever, then evaluate your motivations carefully.




It is perfectly normal for a submissive person today to be independent and empowered in all areas of their life that does not involve their Dominant. It is also normal that they would be in control in all other elements, and also expect respect from the rest of the world.

The fact that a submissive should wish to submit those choices to their Dominant when "they are in the bedroom" can be for any number of reasons.

Some people find that the release of control gives them a chance to relax as well as they are for once not making all the choices. Others still find that the same lack of choices allows them to focus on the pleasure they feel and not over think the sensations they are feeling. Still more find that an ability to let go of the control and responsibility of those choices and actions allows them to explore their sexuality in a manner that they would feel unable to do if they had to specify it themselves.

In short, everyone has there own reasons for finding that D/s works for them and that normal sex just does not. 

I will be totally honest with you though I am not sure I can tell you exactly why I only find being a Dominant works. Trust me, I have had time to think about it. What matters, is that you know what you prefer now.


You need to list your Needs and Wants.... Probably not on the Forum though ;)

Also a list of your Limits would come in handy for people you play with , if you can break those down between Hard and Soft , Great.      

Hard being the "Oh My God No" limits , Soft being the "Well maybe one day if the mood is right, possibly" ones.

That is about it...

You are totally normal, well as normal as the rest of us :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes::flushed::jumping:

Good luck with your Journey

Posted (edited)

@Somebody-3677 You've taken a first and most important step which is openly expressing your thoughts and fears right here in a completely safe and accepting community.  Everyone has given you good advise and I couldn't even begin to add to it. 

For me, I couldn't be in a better space than when I'm completely submissive in bed and my dominant knows it.  I have an alpha personality outside of that and he knows that too.  It's the dichotomy that excites me and makes my submission more valuable.

Journey on!

On a side note, maybe "laying back and thinking of England" is a greatly misunderstood kink. :rubberdoll:

Edited by Stellina
another thought to add

Friends say I'm an alien too. Happy to chat if you wanted to


Hi Somebody, first I don’t think you should ever be ashamed of your sexual propensities and desires. Everyone is different with different wants and needs. Yours are not really that strange or abnormal where you should be ashamed. I had a friend who thought she wanted that total domination inside and outside the bedroom. Honestly it was a lot of work and very difficult and time consuming. Turns out the domination was more of a bedroom fantasy and one that we both could manage. A ds relationship is fantastic in its purest form but takes a lot of attention and commitment from both parties. Difficult indeed in this day and age.

I’ve gone off topic a little but my point is I think you did the right thing sharing in writing here on this platform and I commend the people who responded. They are very in touch. Try not to be ashamed. There’s no reason to be. You’re beautiful, sexual and not looking to hurt anyone. Find someone of the same mind and watch how far you take off. You will discover more about yourself than you even know. Trust!


I don't see it different whatsoever.
I guess you were not with the right person so once you find him you will be able to be yourself and talk about your kinks more openly.
Dominance in bed is mostly the intimate exchange between partners and it could be easily separated from dominance in real life.


Contradictions... I know a few things about that. 

I have friends who I can talk to about this stuff because I chose those friends for their open hearts and minds. 

Having said that, it's certainly not something I discuss with everyone, not because I'm ashamed but rather because it's not everyone's business. The main thing for me was becoming comfortable with myself and the cool thing is that you're on the right track to that. Asking why is natural and important. We should have a healthy and constructive curiosity about ourselves. Part of my why discovery was realising that my ideas of normal had come from a sexual repressed society and that those ideas weren't real

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