I honestly don’t know what I want on here.

[GeneGrey]

While I do have certain fetishes no doubt. However, I’m more interested in developing a vanilla relationship on here. I initially thought you could have both kinky and a vanilla relationship but then I read somewhere on here that you can’t have both. It’s either your typical vanilla relationship (which not many on here I found are looking for) or a kink relationship (which is what most people are here for). So, I was wondering am I really wasting my time on here looking for both a vanilla and kink relationship? Do people fall in love in kink relationships too?

[Mr****]

I believe you can have vanilla and kink together. For me personally, vanilla is a kink.

[La****]

Dont listen to people who just trying to discourage you. It is hard, ofc. But it’s really possible to have ‘vanilla’ relationships with kink sparkle here and there. You just need to be patient to find someone with the same interest.
It is not a dream for kinky fucks to have relationships. There are a lot of us that honor long term relationships. In fact Im in one and never condone any kinky connections without the chance of developing it into serious relationship. You CAN get both. Just dont settle and always be clear with stating what you need. Be into someone so deeply in many ways while also being kinky would be one of the most intense and intimate connection you would ever experience. Do not, get discouraged. Good luck.

[Deleted Member]

I firmly believe you can have both. I seek both. My kinks may not be extreme to most but to me they are kinks. In my day to day, I’m very vanilla. Kinda the “lady in street, freak in the bed” vibe haha. I want a gentleman and lover. I want kink satisfaction but not hardcore bdsm all the time. It’s just going through all the ones not fitting what you seek. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. Keep looking 😊

[ey****]

it depends on what you mean by vanilla - and depends on what you mean by kink

I think there is an issue that a lot of people try to push D/s into spaces where it doesn't fit or assumes everyone wants D/s 

you'll probably find an awful lot of people have seemingly vanilla relationships which do incorporate fetishes or elements of kink

 

[together20]

You have to have both. If you explore your kinks too often they become boring and repetitive. Taking a break every now and then will let you recharge and let you enjoy the little things about each other.

[Kl****]

I don't think you're alone, many ...I'd say most are just tired kickers and teases. All good!

[Ch****]

It's an unfair stereotype that people who are kinky only engage in distanced, pickup style, play without commitment or romantic feelings. Some, maybe most, ONLY do play when feelings are strong. So, YES...people fall in love in kink.

[GeneGrey]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

it depends on what you mean by vanilla - and depends on what you mean by kink

I think there is an issue that a lot of people try to push D/s into spaces where it doesn't fit or assumes everyone wants D/s 

you'll probably find an awful lot of people have seemingly vanilla relationships which do incorporate fetishes or elements of kink

 

By Vanilla I meant a romantic relationship. You know all the lovey-dovey stuff. By kink I assumed a sexual relationship with no romantic feelings involved? 

[ey****]

Romance isn't exclusive to vanilla

[Da****]

You may find love on a level you've never known outside of a power transfer.

[ca****]

8 minutes ago, GeneGrey said:

By Vanilla I meant a romantic relationship. You know all the lovey-dovey stuff. By kink I assumed a sexual relationship with no romantic feelings involved? 

Not sure this fits with many people concept of the 2.  Whereas your wording is about 2 differing scenarios -  a lovey dovey stuff relationship v's a purely sexual one (without feelings!!).

To my eyes a vanilla relationship can involve the best sex - passionate, physical and flexible!!!  

Where as pure sex without feelings doesn't make it kinky in any form - just a sexual relationship without feelings......   Nothing to stop you adding in element of kink along the way NOR to stop emotional attachment happening along the way.

 

As for a kinky relationship - I expect there are many better positioned than me to give their views on that.

[bo****]

There are other sites geared towards vanilla. You don’t shop at a hotdog stand for steaks. I would recommend match. There are far fewer scammers there as well. This is site a joke more for entertainment than meeting people in person.

[GeneGrey]

2 hours ago, callipygian said:

Not sure this fits with many people concept of the 2.  Whereas your wording is about 2 differing scenarios -  a lovey dovey stuff relationship v's a purely sexual one (without feelings!!).

To my eyes a vanilla relationship can involve the best sex - passionate, physical and flexible!!!  

Where as pure sex without feelings doesn't make it kinky in any form - just a sexual relationship without feelings......   Nothing to stop you adding in element of kink along the way NOR to stop emotional attachment happening along the way.

 

As for a kinky relationship - I expect there are many better positioned than me to give their views on that.

I mean kink is driven by sexual feelings is it not? So that’s the reason why I viewed it a sexual relationship. In a way that satisfies both partners’ sexual desires. Not necessarily sexual intercourse. 
 

Anyways, I’m glad to find that I’m not alone in this. Very encouraging posts I found here. Thank you all so much! 

[Qu****]

33 minutes ago, GeneGrey said:

I mean kink is driven by sexual feelings is it not? So that’s the reason why I viewed it a sexual relationship. In a way that satisfies both partners’ sexual desires. Not necessarily sexual intercourse. 
 

Anyways, I’m glad to find that I’m not alone in this. Very encouraging posts I found here. Thank you all so much! 

Bdsm isn't inherently sexual. I know several people who fall on the ace spectrum who are kinky. I also have done platonic scenes where sex wasn't even discussed because we both knew it wasn't what we were wanting.

[Zis]

As a female dom, i find the connection most important. If you want just to please some kinks without emotions, you could suck on a doorknob as well...same excitement.
But its necessary to see what both parties individually want, so there won't be any drama at the end.

[Deleted Member]

I am the same. I don't even know if I am vanilla. I want to experience different things. I know my next relationship I just don't want someone boring in the bedroom!

[Earthquake]

I feel since I’m demisexaul many kink or bdsm lifestylers pass me by.

[Earthquake]

Which to me it’s saying most don’t want the feelings and kink/bdsm also. I just am not a hit it and leave it kind of person and most say that’s to vanilla and has less room in kink/bdsm

[Br****]

Giggles… I scored 10% on one thing and 13% on the other….
I’m so plain, I pulled Vanilla’s pants down in the middle of the hallway in terms of low score…

[Earthquake]

Brie you really have to be in the space to try most. Vanilla isn’t bad can be really fun but you’ll slowly see you’ll like different things. Add ice one time the next add a small smack on your butt, maybe have someone watch you have sex slowly joining. All in baby steps

[Deleted Member]

That's what brought me here too Gene. I want the safety and security a vanilla relationship has while being able to explore our kinky side together. 😭 holding onto hope that someone fits the bill

[Deleted Member]

September 14, BrieCd said:

Giggles… I scored 10% on one thing and 13% on the other….
I’m so plain, I pulled Vanilla’s pants down in the middle of the hallway in terms of low score…

You scored low on the incredibly limited choices they offered. Means little.

[Ca****]

I am insatiable being indigenous. I was born hot ***ed.

[en****]

On 9/10/2025 at 11:13 AM, GeneGrey said:

I mean kink is driven by sexual feelings is it not? So that’s the reason why I viewed it a sexual relationship. In a way that satisfies both partners’ sexual desires. Not necessarily sexual intercourse. 
 

Anyways, I’m glad to find that I’m not alone in this. Very encouraging posts I found here. Thank you all so much! 

Kink does often, but not always, involve sexual feelings... but in many cases, vanilla relationships do too. "Vanilla relationship" and "romantic relationship" are not synonyms. A romantic relationship could be vanilla or it could be kinky. Likewise, a "friends with benefits" or solely sexual relationship could be vanilla or it could be kinky.

It is absolutely possible to participate in kink within a romantic relationship. As for whether people fall in love in kink relationships--absolutely. I myself just recently had the experience of romantically falling for somone who I originally connected with just over sex/kink and have been doing kink with for several months.