So Long (a confession)

September 26

I fell. I know the exact moment down to the perfume I was wearing. It’s my fault for falling. I knew feelings they make everything complicated and sticky usually not in a good way.

It should have just been about sex. It’s why I fucked them the first night. I never expected to see them again or even message me the next morning. Even if the way they kissed me for the first time stole the breath from my lungs. Like no one ever wants a second date with the fat girl. It’s an easy lay. Plus I had been so worked up I just needed release.

I didn’t expect any of this. 13 years I’ve been a fortress. The queen of emotional unavailability and just sex. 13 years I said no more feelings. Feelings get you destroyed. Feelings make you accept less, because you believe the lies easier. The excuses start coming instead of accountability. 13 years I missed who I was. That adventurous, loud, fun, freaky girl. Then one night I was just feeling incredibly free and like my old self due the nights activity when I logged on the first time. Figured some flirty texts would help me satisfy the need of wanting that girl again and I’d disappear.

But I didn’t and now I’m here…

I’ll never forget the last time I saw them. I wanted to give them that power. I was so scared too, because I knew this ending. I’d seen this film before. So I said it like a prayer in my mind. Allowing just myself to know the power exchange.

I had to tell myself the collar meant nothing it was just a convince thing for the moment. I kept telling myself the entire time. It means nothing it means nothing. Then there was that flip after I actually got over the *** and gave the power to them the first time. I thought something changed.

We all know the saying about assumptions and I made the biggest ass out of myself. Also landed flat on my ass with a bounce.

I took the crumbs they gave like they were 5 star meals. I flew to them every time I could, metaphorically of course. Well just like an Icarus I flew to close to the sun.

It has been so long since I wanted to be owned and cared for. It felt so good. That stupid collar felt so good. It reminded me of who I was and who I had been really trying to get back too. It reminded me I was worth something. It reminded me that I deserve back what I put out.

Now I’m questioning everything. Gripping the glass pieces of it all and watching the red liquid go down my hands. They say feeling is better, but honestly being numb is. It’s too much and too expensive to feel. Feelings make time get stolen away.

Maybe this isn’t the life for me. I’m responsible for my own feelings and actions, but maybe I need to step away again. Maybe I’m not built for this. Maybe I’m just too kind and soft for it all. I can’t give my submissive side without giving everything, but I’m so sick of being dominant at the same time.

September 27

Thank you for this. I really felt it and needed it today.

September 27

As someone whose sub has told me many times something along the lines of what you laid out, you don't need to numb yourself. But, you do need to be picky about who you submit to until you find the right dom. Because then it becomes entirely worthwhile. Best of luck Jess.

September 27

Youll be fine just give yourself time.. you will find the right person for you. Believe in yourself... because thats all that matters at the end of the day xxx

September 27

"I took the crumbs they gave like they were 5 star meals" - girl, same. But we deserve more. Best of luck to you

September 27

Very very well written. It turned me on getting to the end, and then to hear you were let down let me down. I was hoping for a happy ending, for you! Maybe next time it'll be me you're giving her all too, that would be wonderful because I would never let you down, never let you bounce back on your bottom, never let you regret what you put into it. Size does not matter to me you called yourself the fat girl, I would never see you that way. Contact me if you can I would love to hear from you. My phone number 817-443-7411. Call or text me anytime.

September 29

Submission is so scary for all of the reasons you articulate. I am either all in or not in as well. Im looking for someone to go all in with, but it terrifies me too.