When is it ***?

[ni****]

I offer the below as thought, points to discuss, as all are different, and all dynamics vary. I use the term Sub, and Dom, Master and slave, without attention to gender.

So I'm a Daddy Dom, the old school, not the age regression; so I'm interested in the care and mentoring balanced with punishment. Over my 30 year journey I have seen some terrible things. some people merge these terms now, and that's fine, but regardless I have a strong saviour kink, and when I see or hear of ab*se it upsets me.

When does it become ab*se? well I see a few basics here, when the Dom doesn't understand peoples needs but has the ability to control, own and structure, but doesn't see the needs associated with that, and uses it to his own ends.

A Dom is there to support the needs and desires of his sub

Many dominant people (not always a Dom) have the ability to control and manipulate. We see that in life and relationships everywhere, but its often mis used. If your sub is brought to tears at your every encounter and still comes back, that's not a sub Dom relationship that's ab*se.

Where do you identify, or draw the line?

Counter to those that can manipulate there are those that cling to a strong character, and have the need to feel part of something and owned. Yes that's fine, when the attachment is to a Dom that supports that sub and their interests, past those of their own.

I guess I'm trying to say that opposites often attract, and those in need with attachment needs, often gravitate to people in this bdsm world who badge themselves as Dom, but may just be toxic, and not see the damage they create.
so where do you see the boundary, who have you saved or tried to save.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, rescues, and stories. Please leave names and usernames out . X to all

Nine

[Bu****]

Really good topic thank you for sharing. I absolutely agree with your points. It does take time to find your perfect match as a sub or a dom. Like you said opposites do attract each other and thats totally ok when its in a healthy dynamic

As a sub - I personally take my time to develop a deep trusting bond. So that I know I’m safe to give that side of me. Therefore my suggestion would be to treat this exactly like you would vanilla dating really get to understand who the other person is. Which means date many people but make sure you are open and honest when doing so. I’ve found some that call themselves ‘doms’ can rush to collar you to claim you to stop you exploring and meeting others that could be a better match. Be wary of those - give yourself time and the freedom to enjoy exploring to find your match

Subs - just because we enjoy being in a submissive position doesn’t mean we don’t have a voice. It’s your body, your life therefore your rules. You can choose to give a certain side of yourself but you can withdraw that right at anytime- but that means having difficult conversations. Before venturing in the kink world make sure you’re confident to have those difficult conversations.

[la****]

I hope every submissive listens to their instincts. If it feels wrong. It’s bc it is. Simple.

[Lo****]

Recently I had a sub start to cry. It was our first interaction. Didnt go heavy at all, she just had a lot of unresolved trauma. I stopped right away and provided after care but she still seemed to think I was angry with her. I think that there are people that say they want something, they give no indication that they dont want it once you give it, but then respond abnormally. Theres a lot of people with trauma in the BDSM community. Its easy to just blame the dom in every situation but I think some ownership is also on the sub. If this is what they chose, consented to, and then had a negative reaction as a result. How is that the doms fault? When the roles are reversed and I am sub, I let my dom know if they are going to far. I am way more in control as a sub then as a dom.

[Ra****]

I really appreciate this post. It exemplifies many of my points of many of the men that I have run into as a Domme, who think that just because they have a dominant personality and I am a woman, they're going to dominate me and *** me. One, in particular.
He had no idea what he was doing. I told him many times I am not a submissive person, so i'm really unsure why you're pursuing this.
He said he was going to make me say thank you.
It had nothing to do with me. It only had to do with ***d submission.
And I quickly found out.This is a majority of the people out there on kink sites. VETTING is huge.
Now, I like to talk to people and tell them that that's not the way it should be.
The true doms are caregivers at heart. There may be sadism, but that's your kink that you share together, and that person will never hurt you. And the only reason they're doing it is because it is your desire as the sub. Any sub, any switch never deserves to be ***d or ***ed At the hands of an inexperienced person who is just out fantasy hunting for themselves.

[Cu****]

Where were you when I was younger? Im new to ALL of this, just started getting into experiment and I’m already scared I’m not in the safest relationship.

[Deleted Member]

49 minutes ago, CuriousCera said:

Where were you when I was younger? Im new to ALL of this, just started getting into experiment and I’m already scared I’m not in the safest relationship.

Never to late

[wo****]

As a submissive in this world, I have researched it before taking my first steps into this world…, I had a dom/master and he kept pushing me to do things that I didn’t like and so after some serious thought on my end I ended it with respect as I didn’t want to leave things on a bad term. This lifestyle is a huge thing for trust, if a sub doesn’t have the trust of the dom then it won’t work well. The key to a successful relationship in this life is trust. I think that every new relationship should be started with the simple basics, and any type of play should be worked up to and always talk with your sub about their past experiences first so that you know how to proceed and grow the relationship in a positive way.

[Deleted Member]

This is why I stopped being a dumb for a while because I totally agree with you. I would hear what I call *** and it would just upset me and could not figure out the easiest way to explain like with one or two words like they want everybody to do And that’s when I started calling myself a pleasure, Dom for fast answer. But if there time I have to explain to them a true Dom is actually a caring person not a person that’s wanting to have an excuse to put hands on a woman, and I had to kind of start explaining this whole thing before even attempting to do anything, and I have heard some stories that just turn me away from it all. And I get that not every sub and every Dom does it the same I get it. Sometimes I think too many men claim there are Dom just to be out to chase their fantasies

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, CuriousCera said:

Where were you when I was younger? Im new to ALL of this, just started getting into experiment and I’m already scared I’m not in the safest relationship.

Well, if you were, don’t feel that, you’re in the safest relationship that’s when it needs to end immediately cut and dry

[Deleted Member]

Great post. It’s verbose and confusing but valid and cogent. I see the same trend. Time waits for no person. Change is inevitable or the species goes extinct. It’s really sad. My only hope is that the pendulum swings back where subs don’t subject themselves to Dommes that don’t understand that their role is to support the feeling of the sub. Full stop

[kr****]

Good insight …
And topic …
Iv considered myself a dom my hold life i just didn’t know the verbiage …. Iv been working in health care for almost 20 years and before that I was taking care of people on the street when I was homeless and before that I was taking care of my little *** …. Care .. respect .. discipline.. commitment … perseverance ..

Everyone is different we use the term Dom -sub with somewhat of a general understanding but we all do it the way we do it … *** is never ok and Iv seen that much to often …..

For me I don’t like to punish so I will give my subs structure schedules what ever .. I will asses there needs first then come up with a treatment plan that will for fill them and myself …but actually give the power over to them as I a sadist …
Meaning if they really want a high severity of *** they can chose that by choosing not to do tasks that are very general and suitable for each sub . Then there are times I might need to exercise a certain need
But will mane sure they understand and know and will praise them for pushing them selves past what they thought they could do …… all about communication .
Example ……

I asked a sub to wait in her knees and not move look foward … breathe slow for an extended period of time … she collapsed first 3 times …
The 4th time she did it ….
How that echoed for her as she explained to me later on is she used it as a tool when she was try to get her masters degree and work full time as a single mother times when she wanted to give up times when she was ready to throw on the towel she reminded herself of those encounters which taught her commitment … perseverance …
Vigilance and to never give up as she explained to me …

[Ir****]

Yeah right prove it !! You mean in cm right ??????

[Cu****]

2 hours ago, 570FunGuy said:

Well, if you were, don’t feel that, you’re in the safest relationship that’s when it needs to end immediately cut and dry

Why do people always think it’s that easy?

[Cu****]

Just now, CuriousCera said:

Why do people always think it’s that easy?

I’m sorry, please forgive me, that was rude.

[AKA_Copper]

2 hours ago, CuriousCera said:

Why do people always think it’s that easy?

Naivety, an ability to live a fe@r free life

[Cu****]

58 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Naivety, an ability to live a fe@r free life

That wasn’t what I meant What I meant was, why do people always assume it’s that easy to just walk away?

[At****]

A savior kink or are you just a good person who doesn't tolerate *** of others? Im just trying to understand, im new to all this and my understanding is that a kink imply you get off to it? Not trying to be rude im just ignorant

[ey****]

There is of course a big issue that, over the years, there has been a lot where people have hidden behind BDSM to mask abusive relationships. Though it isn't exclusive to punishment dynamics and isn't exclusive to Dominants.

Like, in 'funishment' it may well be that either the sub deliberately makes a mistake, or the Dominant kinda 'nit picks' to find something to punish the sub for - but it is all effectively part of the scene as a whole - whether the punishment is a few slaps to the bum and "naughty" or a harsh beating

But, in any form of punishment (or funishment) dynamic - at the very simplest... is this something the sub WANTS or feels they HAVE to have (and likewise the same is true for the Dominant.  Because coming home from work and the sub "forgetting" to the dishes in hope for playtime can be tiring) and wants is important, because like, there's plenty of subs who felt this had to be part of the dynamic and they weren't really into it.  So this can be a case of making sure they have the information and experience and everyone is on the same wavelength.

Equally, the sub shouldn't be coerced into accepting any form of element to the dynamic

Cos, well, consent via *** is not consent 

With any form of punishment, it should be something that both would have agreed to and be proportional.  Where does the punishment/activity fit within both of your ecosystems of the relationship on where you are and where you want to go?

[AKA_Copper]

6 hours ago, CuriousCera said:

That wasn’t what I meant What I meant was, why do people always assume it’s that easy to just walk away?

Miscommunication. They think it's easy because of their naivety etc

[Ro****]

A D/s dynamic becomes ab*se when it abandons the principles of ongoing, enthusiastic, and informed consent in favor of control, ***, and manipulation. The core difference between a healthy D/s relationship and an ab*sive one is that healthy D/s is built on trust and mutual respect, whilme ab*se is about one partner gaining and maintaining power over the other.
Personally, I find the most common is when consent or the establishing of boundaries is ignored or manipulated by ***.

[Sl****]

The biggest is *** of Consent. Another is when the Dynamic becomes Mostly/Entirely 1 Sided, where it STOPS being about Mutual Needs & Desires. Boundary ***s is arguably Consent ***.
A good Rule of Thumb is does this Relationship help someone Function MORE or LESS? If this was your Bestie, would you be Cheering or Scared/Horrified? Do you feel Afraid or Safe? Is there Lies and Deceit or Truth?