Are we asking about limits too soon?

[De****]

I understand that conversations about limits like other things maybe seen as a test of compatibility, an example of being a responsible dom or a submissive who needs to protect themselves. What I’m saying here is not to negate that, yet l have a more expansive view that I want to explain.

The conversations are important but timing and context matters more.

For me, if it’s too soon, it makes me feel like we are making a transaction, heavily focused on ticking a list of what the dom enjoys or what they really want to experience again. It feels secondary to understanding me as a person, a person to build a relational connection with.

I do have hard limits. They are clear, non negotiable.

But most things, other than the obvious, don’t fall in that category.

In fact, the most transformative moments I’ve had came from acts I would have rejected outright in theory. Not because they were unsafe, but because they felt taboo, unfamiliar, just “not me”. And yet, in a devotional state, when my mind was quiet, shame was pushed to the side and my focus was entirely on my dom, those same things felt natural. Sometimes I even initiated them which completely blew my mind.

That’s why I respond best to a dom who doesn’t rush for a checklist. Who doesn’t tell me that having sex is a good way to test compatibility and understanding and agreeing to his sexual kinks is not a precursor to whether he feels l am a suitable sub.

A dom who knows that limits can evolve, who recognises that it’s not about manipulating consent, but about building a container where trust, care and intimacy rewrite what’s possible is the equivalent high that l’m chasing.

When I decline to offer you a detailed list of kinks or soft limits, it’s not from inexperience or rigidity.

It’s because I’ve learned, through real submission, that the most extraordinary moments don’t come from a pre-written script.

They emerge in a devotional state, in the space where trust, care and instinct create something neither of us could have planned. I’m protecting the magic because I know it’s possible….and I’m a greedy bitch that always wants more. More depth, more devotion, my unveiling…always more.

X

[Sa****]

I love this!! I am so new to the scene! I’ve only had one experience so far with a Dom which I loved! He was rough, spanked me rotten! If he had given his checklist prior to meeting I would have run a mile. I would never agreed to this. However, I think it was because we met quickly so little time for talking before we met and that’s when it all came out and it evolved. For me it was the dynamic which led to me be pushed my perceived limits by my Dom. I also felt respected and there was trust. I am seeking that now and very much interested in the psychological containment… I want my Dom to take charge and I will say if it’s going to far, safe words etc. The joy for me is being introduced to new things by a confident and sexy Dom!

[Deleted Member]

I don't think it has to be a list solely of what the Dom wants, but also what is safe for us subs. Kink can heal and kink can trigger. Boundaries are established for everyone's well-being. Every Dom I have been with understands this and have emphasized this point.
Going against a limit that has been discussed beforehand during a scene takes away consent that was established when in a proper mindset. My favorite Dom even refused to discuss limits during aftercare bc I was still getting out of my sub headspace.
Having a checklist is a bit of a mood killer, I'll agree to that point. But when I am in the subspace my goal is to please which lowers my ability to refuse. As a new sub I hesitated to use the safe word and it left me bruised and marked. A mistake I hope to never make again.
If you encounter something you enjoy during play a reliable Dom will not follow through if a boundary was set. Instead, talk about it during aftercare and plan for it during your next scene. You can always change your boundaries to push forward, but you can't necessarily undo the affects once they have been crossed.

[om****]

Common sense and if you don't know what you sub wants, needs or think keep your hands off her/him/x/y....

[De****]

I agree. Timing is important. Just having a conversation with an individual person to person will most likely reveal those things in a more genuine way as the conversations progress. As interest or even feelings grow, it’s inevitable for the direction to go that way in the right time.

[li****]

I like to play as much as the next person, but why do guys ask what my kinks are in the first sentence

[HA****]

Well, I think it's all about communication.

When the conversation starts flowing, you should be comfortable enough to tell Dom what you feel about the questions being asked and their timings so he should feel the same with you.

After all, this is yet another two human beings communicating.

[om****]

54 minutes ago, lillyanne025 said:

I like to play as much as the next person, but why do guys ask what my kinks are in the first sentence

Simple, they look for ' easy to tame is easy to fuck' personalities. It is their selfish behavior to get the fun without investing ( a lot) . It's a don't care species, a sub is a coffee to go. Tonight she is hot after it drop her as an empty cup. I Don't... don't speak for all of us and describe only the guys who leave you behind with deep emotional scars.

[do****]

This is spot on, need to be said, need to be read material 👍🏾

[Do****]

I LOVE this post! I read the beginning bit and felt all incensed to hop in and say what you’ve basically said!! So I clicked in to read the full post and…… perfect!
.
As you say, talk about limits from the start, but don’t judge by them. And keep checking in. And allow change when wanted. Let curiosity take over sometimes. It’s a journey and a fabulously fun one!
.
I think you have put it very eloquently. If only all D:s could flow like that!

[Co****]

It doesn’t feel very personal, I get what you mean. This lifestyle is so difficult to keep the spontaneous/romance of it when there so much talked needing to be done first.

[De****]

2 hours ago, lillyanne025 said:

I like to play as much as the next person, but why do guys ask what my kinks are in the first sentence

🙌🏿

[ey****]

Honestly, I think people sometimes get a little textbook because they'll want to play (or relationship) and heard you should ask about limits - so do so.   And, the thing with limits is they're not exhaustive - like "OK, so I'm not into x or y" - "Oh, so I can cut your tongue our with a kitchen knife - you didn't say that was a limit!" a silly example, but there's so much stuff which you wouldn't even think about

Best tip... when discussing, yes, raise any major no nos - but work from a 'whitelist' i.e. what CAN you do.   And this can be added to - so yes I can do x, y and z... "what about a, b and c" , "yes, a and b are fine - I'm unsure about c" much more logical and easier to flow.

Edited October 2, 2025 by eyemblacksheep
send to soon

[Ah****]

Not at all, if you’re into age play, then I don’t want to speak to you.

[ChocolateRopeBunny]

This is a very well written post. One of the best I've seen so far here as well as the responses.

[Do****]

I think it’s important to ask what they fancy trying. Once I know what they have done before and what they’d like to do initially…. Every now and then ask if there’s anything they’re curious about or would like to try. I also get my toys out with the right subs so they can look at some things that they’ve never tried and see if they’re curious once they’ve seen them. No pressure but allow curiosity……