Poly

[sa****]

Dating Poly does not mean you Have to be Poly. Open Honest Communication about your desires is First. Everyone who has been cheated on is technically Poly, many are Unaware and that's what burns them more. You can be a bad person in a Poly relationship just as much in a Mono one.

[Re****]

I highly recommend the book Anxious Person's Guide to Non Monogamy. It's available as an audiobook on Spotify and it's very short. There's a chapter dedicated to questions you should ask before you get into a non monogamous relationship that you should take a look at if you can't be bothered to read the whole thing (which I recommend you do, it's worth it)

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, RogueLynx said:

Do your research: Understand your motives and challenge monogamous thinking. There are books you can read, online resources, etc.
Communicate openly: Be honest with yourself and potential partners about your desires and boundaries from the start.
Go slowly: Don't rush into new relationships. Focus on building meaningful connections, not collecting partners. It's easy to go overboard at first, trying g to meet some imaginary playmate quota. Don't pressure yourself like that. Even if a poly person is currently only seeing one person, it is not monogamy.
Manage emotions: Jealousy is normal. Use it as a chance for personal growth rather than trying to control others. In my experience, this is usually rooted in insecurity and comparison. Remember, comparison is a thief of joy.
Plan logistics: Figure out time management, and discuss safe sex and boundaries with all involved. For this, you need to be able to be willing to bring up slightly uncomfortable matter if something is not okay with you. Just throughly think on the matter.

I was going to come in and throw some advice down, but this right here pretty much sums it up just about perfectly.

Best of luck to you in your journey. It's not always easy, but it can be very fulfilling.

[Ta****]

9 hours ago, sage80Ballz said:

Dating Poly does not mean you Have to be Poly. Open Honest Communication about your desires is First. Everyone who has been cheated on is technically Poly, many are Unaware and that's what burns them more. You can be a bad person in a Poly relationship just as much in a Mono one.

This 🙌🙌🙌

[jr****]

Oh buddy, this can be either the best or worst relationship you have ever had, my advise is to be open and honest with your partner about your feelings and how they make you feel

[Ha****]

Being poly can be a very difficult thing for most people. You have to be able to let go of jealousy. Being able to be comfortable with the fact that your partner can, will, and is with other people. Do your best to be a solid friend with your partner first. If you can't be a FWB with them knowing they are also being with another then the poly experience will not work out and can cause a lot of problems.

[Ce****]

Communication and trust there can be no secrets. It also depends if you are the anchor partner or secondary partner, etc. I believe it’s easier being the anchor partner in a poly relationship than the secondary tertiary partner. That being said there has to be 100% trust communication and honesty otherwise it won’t work very well for someone.

[sp****]

It takes a shift in mindset and the ability to self reflect, a growth mindset and good communication skills. You need to understand that you are not going to walk into a relationship with someone who is poly and somehow be their everything and suddenly make them monogamous. Ask them what their poly looks like. I'm non-heirarchal solo poly. I do commit to partners and prefer to date ones who have nesting partners already. I also practice kitchen table poly dynamic. It is not one i would recommend for someone new to the lifestyle unless there is a strong connection and amazing communication going in.

[ge****]

A little story to act as a warning for all of what *can* go wrong - about a year ago I met someone who was "poly" and already in a relationship with someone else - I totally accepted that and all was good.
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Fast forward a couple of months and this person decided they couldn't handle two relationships and wanted to be with me (accepting that I am ENM and being ok with me finding others to explore my submissive side with) - they broke off the relationship with the other partner, and they agreed to have no contact for a set period of time.
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From there everything was great, we had a good, strong and loving relationship which went from strength to strength.
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Then, almost to the day that the no contact agreement expired, the other person contacted my partner and they agreed to meet for a chat and a catch up - the result of that being my partner asked me if it was ok that they start seeing each other again, that it would be taken very slowly, would be no more than "cuddle buddies" to watch TV a couple of times a month etc etc. - I agreed to this thinking I had nothing to ***.
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I was then asked if elements of "play" would be ok, but would be things we didn't do - and as I still wanted to explore my submissive side still, I again agreed.
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Fast forward about a month and it turns out their relationship had returned to pretty much where it was at before they split without me having been told, completely with deep emotions etc. - this totally blindsided me, and left me feeling somewhat deceived - although I do believe my partner when they say it wasn't deliberate and they'd made the mistake of treating the two relationships as entirely separate and because the other didn't have an impact on me in terms of time spent etc didn't think I needed to know - what they hadn't considered was the emotional impact it would have.
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After a long discussion with my partner we agreed to continue and put in place an agreement to act as a guideline for our relationship.
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We struggled on for a couple of months, but the whole time this other relationship hung like a shadow over me and we have now separated as a result.
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Yeah, I've possibly been naive but not being experienced in all things poly there's a lot I didn't know, or think to check/ask.
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The lesson here is that open and honest communication is key, particularly if you're the one managing two relationships - without that it's all destined to fail.

[Sl****]

Well the SMARTEST thing you did was ASK for help. I made the mistake of thinking I knew it all.
#0 New Person Energy is a thing you NEED to be Aware of and ASK how your Partner deals with it. That's the New Shiny, the Honeymoon of a Relationship, Clothing, Game, etc. Sometimes this can noticeably change how they are with you and willing to do.
#1 Polyamory is like LEGO, so EXTREMELY Customizable. Find out what the Rules are for the Existing Relationship/s.
EX: Are you required to meet anyone else (Kitchen Table Polyamory)? Are you required to NEVER meet them?
#2 See if you can get Help/Advice from the Others. Do NOT see them as Competiton. You're an Orange and they're a Banana!
#3 Jealousy and other Emotions are OKAY! It's what you DO with those Emotions, like Making DEMANDS that is Toxic. DON'T be Afraid to ask for Help, but NOBODY ELSE is Responsible for Managing YOUR Emotions. Same goes to them, help because you WANT to and NOT for Obligation.
#4 Schedule Schedule Schedule!! Unless they're SPECIFICALLY against it. Makes it MUCH easier if there's NOT Conflicts with Existing Partners when possible.
#5 Toxicity and Lies CAN exist in Polyam Relationships. I know from experience, which includes Gaslighting/Lying about Ghosting/Avoiding you.

[Sl****]

#6 Communication is Key. Communicate about Your Expectations AND Theirs!! This includes Realistic ESTIMATES, because shit happens, to get an idea of how much Time & Energy you can REASONABLY Expect. Be Open, Be Honest, Be Forthright and take Initiative if something isn't working as well as you Want/Need.
#7 For ANY Relationship, but ESPECIALLY in Romantic/Sexual ones use the Mirror Test. ASK yourself, "If my Most Beloved Person was in a Similar Relationship, WOULD I be Happy? Sad? Angry? What would I TELL or ADVICE I would give?"
This prevents you from sh*t like Sunk Cost Fallacy, of trying to keep a Bad Relationship going, because you have invested TOO MUCH to let go.

[Sl****]

#8 Trust Actions, NOT Words. This is for ANY Relationship, because people DO Lie & Deceive. Does NOT mean it WILL happen, but it MIGHT. Actions Speak Louder Than Words!
#9 There's multiple resources and information about Polyam. Don't be afraid to read a book or some articles.
#10 The Partner is NOT Obligated and may NOT be Willing to help you find your OWN ADDITIONAL Partners for Sex and/or Dating. This is ESPECIALLY Important as you May or May Not find the New Polyam person has enough Time & Energy for you. Doubly so if they meet someone new.

[Sl****]

#11 Communication and Negotiation is Key. I'm mentioning it TWICE because it is THAT important. NEVER expect that someone else can understand you. Sometimes Misunderstanding and Assumptions happen. An it can be good to do a Regular Check In to make sure BOTH of you are Understanding the Other.
Problems and issues can Build, Fester, and Grow. One of you might not even realize you have some Faulty Assumptions.
EX: Like they might like Video Games, but NOT any of the Types YOU like. It doesn't mean they're a Big Gamer or want to play for 3+ hours at a time. Doesn't mean they Dislike Sports or Wrestling!!

#12 Apology Styles. Find out HOW they Apologize. How YOU Think an Apology Does or SHOULD Work, is NOT Universal. Someone might just want you to say that you're Wrong and Move On. They might require you to Identify the Problem and EXPLAIN how/why it will NOT happen again. Etc.

[Sl****]

#13 Nesting Partner is almost always the Main Partner, if they have one. Sometimes they have MORE than 1.
This is where Jealousy & Assumptions can happen. You might assume they get more time with them on Working Days than they actually do. Also easier to get jealous of someone who has Access to their Hugs and Attention when you DON'T!

Also this can be Relationship Power Dynamics potentially. Like then having Priority or Extra Share of your Partner's Time.
Along with jealousy of them being Favorite.

Favorite does NOT mean they you DON'T have things Unique to Offer. Not unlike how your Favorite vs Comfort Show/Movie can be different for very different reasons! Be happy with what makes you YOU and NOT how you're "Too Different" from the Other/s!

[Sl****]

I hope this will help you avoid making some of the same mistakes I have!!

[th****]

It’s a needle in a haystack but very possible dream.

[sh****]

I'm happy to answer specific questions to the best of my ability been mostly poly for closing in on two decades. Best i advice I can give is honest and open communication is key in any relationship but doubly so when its a poly one.