Hookups and friends with benefits are they good or bad?

[Lilkittyprincess2019]

Hey so I’ve had 4 friends with benefits over the past couple years and some have gone well while others really haven’t. I’m wondering if maybe I’m doing something wrong or if this is just a bad idea in general. 
 

First friend was vanilla and it didn’t last long. Both agreed from the start relationships weren’t our thing. He hooked up with someone else and then wanted a relationship with them. Ended there and apart from a bit of a rejected feeling didn’t think anything else of it. 
 

Second friend was also vanilla and lasted even less time ended with me ghosting them and not thinking anything of it. 
 

Third friend was kinky. As it was my first kinky hook up we kept things very tame. But I did enjoy everything we done and got on well with them. It was more of a situationship or relationship without labels and I got caught up in my feelings and then thought I wanted a relationship with them. Was honest about this and was rejected. Moved on and couple months later once I realised I didn’t want a relationship with anyone we started talking again but didn’t hook up again as the distance was too great. Ended things now as they have found a new casual partner and I’m slightly scared of the events of the first friend repeating. This situation repeatedly makes me more emotional than I want so I’m thankful to end things now rather than get hurt again. 
 

Fourth friend is also kinky and open about other friends they have. They can be a bit more distant than I prefer but it’s still very new and hopefully will go well. It might not and if it ends I’ll be grateful for the experience. 
 

This track record of failure does make me question myself and what I’m doing wrong and all that. 
 

what is everyone’s opinion on friends with benefits or hook ups? Anyone else got some good or bad hookup stories to share? 

[Deleted Member]

Oh, you are not doing anything wrong, many people today are commitment-phobic, especially men who need the permission if their mothers to full engage. Is there anyone in the background who is chasing you? You may find they are more amenable. xxx

[slutpuppy99]

i think you dont want friends with benefits. you want an open relationship.

getting feels for your fuck buddys happens. if you expect too keep the same fuck buddy for awhile i think you are confused?

most people i know who have had "Successful fuck buddys" had multiple partners at the same time.

if you want "just a fuck buddy" as opposed too "many fuckbuddys at the same time"

it seems like you want to fuck without the emotional attachment, but realistically, when your having frequent sexual contact you will develop a case of them feels

[Deleted Member]

Hi Lilkittyprincess,

From reading your account of your experience, I get the impression that you are not entirely sure about what you want. You say you don’t want a relationship yet feel rejected when a FWB gets with someone else.

My question is, can you remove the emotional connection from a sexual relationship? Or to put it another way, can you prevent the emotional connection from developing in the first place?

Some people are more suited to purely sexual relationships than others. I think you maybe need to ask yourself, is it right for you?

[Deleted Member]

Hi

[Deleted Member]

Fwb can be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. It’s all about Communication, You both have to be on the same page for it to work. Boundaries need to be set and expectations the same. The problems come when one wants more than the other. Hookups are different as there’s normally no friendship involved. Hookups can be good for self-esteem as long as it’s safe and fun. Fwb can be a bit more tricky as feelings can be caught. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong you just need to see them for what they are. It’s a temporary nsa arrangement made within a friendship, as long as you keep communicating about what you both want and let each other know if feelings arise then all should be good.
I’ve been on both sides, I’ve had a fwb I’ve fallen for and also had a fwb that fell for me so things can get messy. So communicate,communicate. Also think about whether or not you would want to lose them as a friend if things did end badly. Other than that fwb and hookups should be fun.

[misterfun88]

Take your time to get to know a person without sex ..fwb is still a relationship you get in your feelings because you have developed feelings even though you originally stated you only want fwb

[LuckyPatch]

The main problem with FWB is exactly as pinky bottoms put it and i couldn't put it better my self but in my experience one side always ends up catching feelings

[Deleted Member]

I do hookups through virtual roleplays, so there's zero risk of anyone catching feelings. Unless you're crazy and fall for a fictional character I'm feeding into your imagination. lol

Two of my online fuck-buddies turned into FWB. One caught feelings for the guy I played in our scenes (those were more realistic ones), thinking it was actually me. Quite tragic, especially when she found out. We ended it all, and she basically disappeared from my life. The other one doesn't see the sex stuff as a big deal, so we're just normal friends who ocassionally enjoy erotic stories together.

[ey****]

I don't see the ended relationships as failures but experiences.   Some people have different amounts of relationships that sometimes just don't work.

The thing though, these are generally short-term things (I am sure someone has a story or exception) or risk becoming booty calls.   There's nothing wrong with those, but it's something else around managing exceptions.

They're arrangements that are supposed to be stress free and easy going but can be quite the opposite - for example if someone wants to meet for fun more often that the other - or - if one person meets someone else that stops the casual relationship continuing.

We often hear the trope "I just came out of a long term relationship and now just want something fun, not too serious" but wanting something fun, not too serious is still ultimately a temporary thing 

[Deleted Member]

I've tried this, the fuckbuddy scenario and for me it just doesn't work, unless you as stated by another member have multiple partners. The problem I've found is the more you see of each other the more the affection builds, it's a natural progression so you go from physical only to emotional. If it was a turn up, fuck then part type of thing then that would be easier but how many want to do that? Would be way to clinical for me.

[Deleted Member]

You're doing nothing wrong, finding the right person balance in the kink or love keeps you together. Trust expressing yourself even talk to the person of feelings let go of the what ifs !! The maybes !! Dare to be different. Embrace what you have, let go of your past.

[Carnelian2]

First of all, you are doing nothing wrong. We all make experiences.

For myself, I get involved emotionally and that does make casual hookups difficult as I always expect more.
Having said that, I have had encounters that ended with one hookup but that was just circumstance.

I am not surprised that it was the kinky relationships that stung the most, though. Whether actual play is involved or not, there is a lot of intense emotional energy invested and that can hurt when it does not go anywhere.
That is fine, just takes time.

Look at it from the experiences you are making - both in terms of what works for you and how you react to it.

[uk****]

Most relationships built on friendship will endure over time so FWB must be a good thing.

As for hookups, hell yeah :)

[Deleted Member]

I’ve had 2 successful experiences with fwb.. u have to go into it knowing that’s all it is - if u can do that, this can be very satisfying. Don’t change ur expectations once u start though .. or disappointment will almost surely follow.

[JaMtogether]

Yes, like others stated. FWB might be the wrong set up for you. Because you are open to a potential relationship developing. Maybe seeking a casual dating with potential relationship would be a better match. Or an open relationship with nesting partner potential. I found this works well when your seeking the undecided. You both have the flexibility to date others but are open to potentially settling into one another at some point.
Story Time: Personally I have completely shutdown men who pursue me with the FBuddy or FWB vibe. I am great with an open relationship. I am the primary partner/nesting partner with my SO. With our other relationships I let them know where they are on our list. :) We long term date others together. It works for us!
*On a side note we started as solo partners and openly communicated that at some point we would like to add another. When our relationship was well connected we agreed to the addition.

[Mo****]

Ghosting people is a cunts trick and does massive amounts of damage to people's mental health!

Maybe consider having a period of time by yourself until you're ready to treat people with respect.

[Rzero]

I don't know how you are with these people, but to repeat previous sentiments, I doubt you're doing anything wrong. In my experience, if something goes on long enough, feelings develop on one or both sides, sometimes strong, romantic feelings, sometimes just enough to get hurt and feel rejected when things change.

 

The best things you can do are to verbally set boundaries from the beginning so everyone's on the same page and later be honest about anything that changes in the way either of you feels. If one person has feelings and the other doesn't feel as strongly, it's best to nip it in the bud, so things don't get even more complicated. The longer something like that goes on, the worse the aftermath will be for one or both partners.

 

Feelings happen, maybe not always, but we're human and most of us naturally bond to those with whom we're intimate. This doesn't mean friends can't hook up. It just means there's always a chance that emotions might alter the casual nature of the relationship. This shit is just hard to navigate. Period. I wish you luck.

[Jinxy-5083]

40 minutes ago, Rzero said:

I don't know how you are with these people, but to repeat previous sentiments, I doubt you're doing anything wrong. In my experience, if something goes on long enough, feelings develop on one or both sides, sometimes strong, romantic feelings, sometimes just enough to get hurt and feel rejected when things change.

 

The best things you can do are to verbally set boundaries from the beginning so everyone's on the same page and later be honest about anything that changes in the way either of you feels. If one person has feelings and the other doesn't feel as strongly, it's best to nip it in the bud, so things don't get even more complicated. The longer something like that goes on, the worse the aftermath will be for one or both partners.

 

Feelings happen, maybe not always, but we're human and most of us naturally bond to those with whom we're intimate. This doesn't mean friends can't hook up. It just means there's always a chance that emotions might alter the casual nature of the relationship. This shit is just hard to navigate. Period. I wish you luck.

This is exactly what I came to say. I would also add understanding the definition of friends-with-benefits, from your perspective and your potential friend’s perspective. From my own experience looking for one, I learned this term meant a lot of different things to different people. It spanned the full range of viewing it as more of a one night stand all the way to a “relationship that’s not a relationship.” So to avoid getting involved with someone who doesn’t have the same definition, and therefore expectations, as you, I would ask them in the first conversation what that term means to them. I think it might save you some time and energy. This is, of course, after you’ve determined your own definition of the term and what you would be comfortable with. After that, as was mentioned above, discuss each other’s boundaries and stick to them. It’s not foolproof because we’re all only human, but it might prevent some of the understandably frustrating situations you were experiencing.  
 

Don’t be discouraged by a few situations that didn’t work out. My current friends-with-benefits partner is amazing so I can say it is possible to manage this type of relationship. You just have to find the right style for yourself.

 

Good luck!
Jinx 

[Deleted Member]

Friends with benefits can be tricky. If one of the people doesn't adhere to boundaries set then obviously problems will arise. I've had FWBs that were great, but other FWBs that I ended due to boundaries being overstepped. 

 

I'd have a FWB again, but strengthen and rein*** my criteria to avoid any messyness.

[Kimball62]

Honesty is a big part of friends with benefits. You should be open with what both want from the relationship in order to get the best for both. I have been with a couple of submissive women in the past 20 years and both went well. Each time it ended for the right reason. I would enjoy a friend wit the right benefit so long as they knew what II wanted as well.

[A_Switch]

In my opinion and based on what you said, you are not sure of what exactly you want or you don't have a clear definition of FWB whether with yourself or yourself and your partner. So that is the first thing that you need to address.
The second thing and to partially answer your question, FWB maybe negative on a point that wasn't covered in the previous comments, which is pair bonding. I guess after several encounters you develop some kind of attachment (or your partner to you) and with several FWB, this factor will (not may) affect having a long term relationship. So I would suggest that you read on pair bonding and how it affects men and women differently.

[TnALOVES2PLAY]

I think if you can handle it. Reading your question seems like maybe you're not the type of person that can't just leave their feelings out of it maybe you should just get a kinky girlfriend and then find some kinky friends LOL that's just my opinion it sounds like you need a person permanently and it would probably benefit U to get a like-minded girl I've been married for 21 years and I think our second date I took him to a. Swingers party and we had some great and wonderful times. And I don't know if you wouldn't exactly call any one of them are friends it was a party that I had started attending regularly about 6 months before I met him. So maybe you shouldn't think of them as friends or try to be friends maybe they should just be hookups regular hookups the only thing I ever ate with anyone there was another girl or two or three LOL. I have had a bad experience that it did not discourage me from trying again LOL

[TnALOVES2PLAY]

2 minutes ago, TnALOVES2PLAY said:

I think if you can handle it. Reading your question seems like maybe you're not the type of person that can't just leave their feelings out of it maybe you should just get a kinky girlfriend and then find some kinky friends LOL that's just my opinion it sounds like you need a person permanently and it would probably benefit U to get a like-minded girl I've been married for 21 years and I think our second date I took him to a. Swingers party and we had some great and wonderful times. And I don't know if you wouldn't exactly call any one of them are friends it was a party that I had started attending regularly about 6 months before I met him. So maybe you shouldn't think of them as friends or try to be friends maybe they should just be hookups regular hookups the only thing I ever ate with anyone there was another girl or two or three LOL. I have had a bad experience that it did not discourage me from trying again LOL

It says girl in there every time it's girl or guy I didn't mean to suggest just a girl I guess we all know what's on my mind for this weekend

[Deleted Member]

It being good or bad is subjective. If you are monogamous, you may not be able to handle FWBs or hook ups.

If you are more open minded and less inclined for commitment then it might work for you.

I cannot leave my feelings out of kink, either. So I strictly avoid hook ups or FWBs. However, I will say it makes your kink life VERY difficult. I've been in the lifestyle for 16 years now and still cannot find someone who is monogamous and wants a solid dynamic without being based on sex and lack of commitment.

I think, you have to decide what is more important to you. Getting laid, or waiting for something you deserve.

Just remember, nothing good comes easy.