Co**** Posted October 28 Can you explore sexually outside your marriage and still come back? That is likely to depend almost entirely on who you are married to. If that is important to you, you should have the discussion with her.
Au**** Posted October 28 I appreciate you sharing your perspective, but my answer to your core question is quite simple: If you can't play by married rules, how do you expect to play by FWB rules? Every relationship, whether it’s marriage or friends-with-benefits, is built on an agreement of trust and honesty. Trust is already broken just with cheating on your spouse. My immediate thought is that a person who is currently deceiving their life partner cannot be trusted to be honest in a casual arrangement with me. If you are lying to the person you vowed commitment to, I cannot rely on you to be honest about discretion, boundaries, or safe practices with me. Even not being honest in an FWB shows you're not a decent human. FWB relationships depend on clear communication and respect for boundaries. When a man is actively hiding a double life, the foundation for honesty is already gone. Your lack of integrity in your marriage immediately tells me you lack the integrity required for a casual, respectful FWB connection. The issues you raise about your wife's libido or her potential jealousy are problems that need to be resolved within your marriage or through an honest divorce, not by seeking external, clandestine validation. I am only interested in connections built on honesty and mutual respect. I will not participate in a dynamic built on a foundation of deceit.
ea**** Posted October 28 For my situation, I am in an open marriage with the ok to have fun if I click with someone but we are always honest with each other about who we meet or when we go see them. I still notice women do not want to be with a married man(even on this site) at times but to just flat out cheat on the wife is a big Tuen off for most women.
CopperKnob Posted October 28 Personally, given the way that this OP is written in terms of the language used, the assumptions made and the apparent lack of an ability or willingness to communicate, I'd stay well away. Hate us a strong word but...
De**** Posted October 28 4 hours ago, OttoTechnika said: Because cheating is antithetical to the BDSM lifestyle. One of the primary pillars of BDSM is open and honest communication. If you’re looking to play in this community, the people you’re trying to play with expect that level of openness. You’re asking them to trust you to respect their limits and boundaries and out do the gate you’ve shown yourself to be untrustworthy but not honoring those of your spouse, who is subjectively more important to you than a FWB or hookup. 💯
xx**** Posted October 28 I'm in an enm marriage. To some women it's an instant No, which is fair enough. It's not for everyone. But Ive found there's lots of women who are fine having a relationship with a married guy as long as you make your situation clear from the start and everyone is open and honest. If your wife doesn't know then that's cheating. Some people will be ok with it. But to many it's a huge boundary. I would view it as still hurting the other person even if they didn't know. I wouldnt want to do that to someone. Many people have been on the receiving end of cheating and won't want to be part of it themselves. Apart from how you feel morally it's just a complicated and messy situation. To a lot of people it gives the impression that you're not trustworthy. If you're not going to respect your wife or partner by being honest with them then it's unlikely you're going to respect or care for someone you met on an app for sex. And trust is a massive thing in bdsm.
ri**** Posted October 28 I personally do not play with married men intentionally. For example, my play partner wound up to be very much more married than he had led me to believe in the beginning. I stopped playing with him. He came back after papers had been filed. If you can't be honest with yourself, your spouse and your play partner then you shouldn't play. This lifestyle isn't for cheating. It is for honest, open communication with boundaries to protect all people involved. I personally won't even meet with someone who needs “discretion” . Obviously play is discreet but meet I g shouldn't be
Pu**** Posted October 28 You've already admitted you are either lying to your wife or want to so how do we know you aren't lying to us now? For all we know your wife is loving and has lots of libido but you're just a cheater who wants an excuse cause we can't trust anything you say anymore. Either way either get relationship counselling or divorce her.
Ne**** Posted October 28 In my humble opinion. I would never cheat as I won’t break a promise and I have seen too many relationships and people hurt or damaged…… I also won’t knowingly grt involved with someone who is married and not open with their spouse for the same reason just my thoughts l…
Ha**** Posted October 28 If she doesn’t know you are on here, it’s just cheating. That’s not “kinky” it’s shitty. No man or woman wants to be cheated on. Maybe go explain what’s going to her and initiate with her or divorce.
De**** Posted October 29 7 hours ago, CopperKnob said: Personally, given the way that this OP is written in terms of the language used, the assumptions made and the apparent lack of an ability or willingness to communicate, I'd stay well away. Hate us a strong word but... I agree hate is a strong word. Rather I dislike the person and hate their actions.
Ra**** Posted October 29 If you can't communicate with your wife, you can't communicate well enough to be a good FWB much less a good kinkster.
Co**** Posted October 29 As everyone said, without honesty and consent it’s cheating. And… I couldn’t trust a man who doesn’t value honesty as a play partner. Period. BDSM requires even deeper layers of truth, and it’s synonymous with safety. How can I feel safe, when I don’t know if you’re telling the truth. So… figure out your truth. Discuss it with your wife. Be a man and do this with integrity or not at all.
Deleted Member Posted October 29 Nothing better than honest, open, kitchen table Poly/ENM relationship.
Ablaze Posted October 29 Who wants to put themselves in second place behind a man willing to always put his own immediate desires in first. I don't envy anyone willing to be just another object to be discarded when no longer useful.
Ot**** Posted October 29 20 hours ago, eagle-rock136295 said: For my situation, I am in an open marriage with the ok to have fun if I click with someone but we are always honest with each other about who we meet or when we go see them. I still notice women do not want to be with a married man(even on this site) at times but to just flat out cheat on the wife is a big Tuen off for most women. ENM relationships are different than cheating, but my expectation there are that if they are open to playing with someone who is ENM, they’re most likely ENM themselves or are more active in the community where they will do scenes with another trusted person at the dungeon. Even in ENM, there’s a lot of bullshit that comes with dating married people— hierarchy, couples privilege, vetos, etc. it’s pretty understandable why it’s an uphill climb for many you are married and in open relationships. If the best one can ever hope for is to be a secondary or FWB, what’s in it for them?
TravellingDom71 Posted October 29 There seems to be a lot of judgement on here. Im married and I put it on my profile and i make sure anyone im talking to about meeting knows that. In the past 5 years I have had 2 long term play partners, both married women. One for 18 months and my current sub for 2 1/2 years and still going strong. In both dynamics we were/are getting something from eachother that we weren't getting at home and rather than ending our otherwise very happy but sexless marriages, one involving 3 *** we as grown up rational adults decided to cheat. The comments from people who say it lacks integrity, or lack of communication skill, or im not acting my age or anyone else that is scandalised by such behaviour seems to be very narrow minded. I am an open minded person, I dont discriminate against anybody when it comes to race, religion or sexual orientation so why would I do it when it comes to marital status. Im a hedonist, I try to get enjoy all aspects of my life.
Ablaze Posted October 29 You asked the question and that you don't care who finds your offer acceptable doesn't put us in the wrong for our responses. Our feelings are just as valid as yours without adding protected statuses of other groups to shield us.
ey**** Posted October 29 It's natural for there to be judgement when it comes to cheating for a very simple reason Or, two The first is the one that whole community arches it's back on - and that is consent. Because primary partners are unaware and do not consent. The second is of course my most hated phrase "communication is key" - because of course there usually hasn't been an attempt at communication to gain said consent. That said, of course - things lack nuance and I'm aware there are others who've been in a similar situation where it is... like... relationship is sexless / kinkless - this is unlikely to change - but it's still a relationship which presumably still has a lot of love. But you're unlikely to get approval from the community because of the prior points. But, if what you are doing is something you feel you can justify to yourself, the approval of the community isn't something you would not. But, kinda... also... however you present the case, a divorce court wouldn't see it that way in a settlement.
Ablaze Posted October 29 Singles want partners and playmates that can be fully present for pictures, events ( bothe public and ticketed private ones) can host and are available for special occasions like holidays and other celebrations. We're not toys to be set aside.
se**** Posted October 30 5 hours ago, Ablaze said: Singles want partners and playmates that can be fully present for pictures, events ( bothe public and ticketed private ones) can host and are available for special occasions like holidays and other celebrations. We're not toys to be set aside. Yes!! 🙌
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