Ta**** Posted November 10 So I am trying to learn the ways of this lifestyle. I am scared to be disowned because I have been convinced he can get me banned from lifestyle events by telling everyone he disowned me for safety reasons. He has ***d me to slave status just to be with him. I caught him cheating and told all of our friends. We broke up in the vanilla sense but he still has me in the kink sense. I am afraid of being disowned and no one else wanting me.
Fu**** Posted November 10 Well thats your choice to make, either tolerate being treated badly or risk being alone. There's no "doing it properly " beyond you being comfortable with it
cl**** Posted November 10 If you don't feel safe in both vanilla and kink sense you have all rights to leave kink is not about property ownership its about helping to feel safe
Ki**** Posted November 10 If you are going to events or are part of a community that has the ability to be swayed by someone unhealthy, run. Don’t be afraid of being disowned. I’m sure there is more to this story but know your worth and don’t let *** run you.
Da**** Posted November 10 Your safety and happiness are your top priority. There's someone out there who will treat you the way you should be treated. I'm sure he's blowing smoke up your ass about blacklisting you.
my**** Posted November 10 I really think you’ll find women have a lot more control over being banned or shunned than men do. Your happiness is in your hands.
ma**** Posted November 10 Yes you should always watch out for yourself but remember what you’re looking for!💯
GreyHog Posted November 10 Be safe. If your dom has broken your trust, it's already over. And don't be afraid to be "disowned". There are thousands of doms who would be honored to have an eager submissive. I know I would enjoy adding you to my constellation... 😘
co**** Posted November 10 There risk in every we do in life. Based off this topic and others you already removed him relationship and you just afraid no one will want you as sub if you leave your DOM. Is that possible you won’t find another DOM, yes but unlikely. There plenty of DOM on this site and others that would take you. As for being banned from events, unless this DOM is owner of swinger club or location it not going to happen. The worst case scenario would be you both get kick out of the event. If you do leave your DOM and see them at event. Be civil and don’t make scene. Make them at crazy and they will get kick out. Good luck
Deleted Member Posted November 10 If your community would disown you for ending a D/s relationship, you need a new community. Why it ends is no one's business but yours. Unless one or the other is a genuine danger to others.
Submissive_summer Posted November 10 Sounds like you are in a really ***ful and confusing place right now,... and that *** of being “disowned” or shut out is very real. But remember... no one has the right to control your standing in the community or your sense of worth.... You deserve to be in dynamics that make you feel respected....safe and valued... not worried or diminished. If someone uses disowning... shame, or threats to isolate or silence you... that isn’t power exchange.. it’s manipulation. The people worth having around will see your honesty... integrity and strength .. not the rumors someone tries to spread because they lack real control. You are absolutely worth what makes you happy and fulfilled.... Value yourself first and the right people will respect and value you too... Best of Luck
Deleted Member Posted November 10 No one “owns” you without your consent. Anyone who says otherwise is lying and manipulating. That’s not a healthy dynamic.
Ta**** Posted November 10 Author He uses the fact that we will never be out of each other's lives because of our daughter and that I still love him against me
fl**** Posted November 10 53 minutes ago, Tazbaby75 said: He uses the fact that we will never be out of each other's lives because of our daughter and that I still love him against me Nothing you’ve said sounds healthy in any way, D/s dynamic or otherwise. Just because you share a child doesn’t mean you deserve to be mistreated. Easier said than done, I’m sure, but get out of this as soon as possible
Ne**** Posted November 10 2 hours ago, mythicalman said: I really think you’ll find women have a lot more control over being banned or shunned than men do. Your happiness is in your hands. 😤
Ne**** Posted November 10 1 hour ago, Tazbaby75 said: He uses the fact that we will never be out of each other's lives because of our daughter and that I still love him against me Yeah, that's unhealthy and toxic manipulation and irrelevant to kink. Sharing offspring makes everything different BUT he doesn't own you unless YOU let him. We can respect dynamics AFTER basic human respect and regard ia achieved. When, if it isn't achieved, reassessment is needed and possible severing of main ties. It's also entirely possible to co-parent and live mostly separate lives. Ab*sive, manipulators exist within and outside of kink. I hope you stay safe.
CopperKnob Posted November 10 For me vanilla comes first. Without that, there's no kink. You have a decision to make. Of course there's always going to be a tie to him whilst your ch1ld is young but to be fair, that's solely about being able to co-parent. How there any kink if a safe space hasn't been provided on either side is beyond me. In all honesty, my safety whether that be physical or emotional, is more important to me than being able to attend events/my social life because there are always other means of being active within the community and if your friends are actual friends...
ja**** Posted November 10 If you cut him off in the vanilla sins and you want to be done with him altogether, then you cut him off in the kink category as well he does not get to determine your future. He does not own you like your his property. That’s not how it works.
Co**** Posted November 11 It is not realistic to believe he has the power to control your access to the entire kink community - probably doesn’t even have that power in a small area. The idea that his opinion is likely to affect the desire of many other people to interact with you is far fetched.
Au**** Posted November 11 It sounds like you are caught in a classic abusive cycle, and I want to be perfectly clear, the dynamic you are describing is abusive, not BDSM. True D/s is built on trust, clear consent, and safety protocols, none of which can exist with cheating, ***, and threats. No one has the right to own you, especially after a vanilla breakup, and absolutely no one can strip you of your status or ban you from the community merely out of spite. Safety reasons are used to disown people who violate consent or cause physical harm, not people who catch their partner cheating. This is a deliberate tactic to manipulate you through *** and isolation. Your worth is not tied to him or his approval. The right people in the lifestyle, the ethical people, will see through his smear tactics. Please focus on getting completely out of his control, documenting his threats, and reaching out to trusted friends or a local support group immediately. You deserve to be in a dynamic that is safe, respectful, and consensual. Since you are vanilla broken up, you need to go No Contact in the kink sense too. Block him everywhere. Safety first! If you genuinely *** his ability to harm your reputation, get a different support system in place first. Tell trusted friends outside the kink community and inside the kink community (the ethical ones) about his threats. He cannot ban you. A single person cannot get you banned from all events. Event organizers and ethical community leaders prioritize safety and will recognize manipulation when they see it.
Ma**** Posted November 11 If you are active in the kink community, you have your own friends and connections. He can't ban you if no one else has ever had that issue with you. If that issue is something you have violated, then it becomes he said she said. Ownership is only achieved through mutual consent and is not a binding contract that you have to live with for the rest of eternity.
sl**** Posted November 11 Leave him. He's just gonna keep hurting you over and over again. There are rules and boundaries that should be set before jumping in. If those boundaries are over stepped then get out fast. Dont give 2nd chances is this. Thats how *** starts by giving them another chance.
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