Popular Post Au**** Posted November 13 Popular Post For those who have recognized a self-centered, manipulative partner in the community, what are the most effective ways you found to immediately shut down that low-effort dynamic? Like, what are your best screening tactics for quickly weeding through the non-BDSM, transactional contacts that primarily waste time? I’m seeing too many low-effort contacts claiming to be a Dom/me, but who are really just looking for easy sex. This confirms the pattern of a self-centered (narcissist) partner only cares about the easiest, most convenient, and most ego-gratifying form of sex. If the dynamic requires your true desires, they fail. They retreat to simple, vanilla and boring sex because they were never interested in your kink, just your supply. They use your body while expending minimum emotional effort, all while dishonestly seeking supply from multiple partners, never attempting to nurture a genuine D/s dynamic.
Ch**** Posted November 13 I find that it is personalized. The hidden manipulator comed apart when challenged or accidentally ignored.
Te**** Posted November 13 Ask for their process into the dynamic as no one is the same from the last (taste/kink combos are unique). I myself have a discussion to check that we vibe. After that i have a “menu” checklist that we both fill out…which can be fun to do over dinner or drinks and then have a fun chat about what we each like/want/need or don’t. In my experience there is always overlap. But as a Dom, if i can’t give or help bring out what she wants then the dynamic won’t work or be fulfilling for her. Which IS the goal. Worst case scenario is that it’s a no match but an amazing chat with mutual respect. But even if there’s no “dynamic” connection it’s also a possibility that you wind having sex because there’s no pressure…and I’m always clear that NOTHING that was discussed enters into that play unless consented to. That is a breach of trust. If there’s any ick factor at any point, I’d say bolt.
Ma**** Posted November 13 Personally, I think they make themselves pretty obvious, between the ways they discuss kink vs sex and by their eagerness. Most in my experience are also driven to ask for photos. Almost like a trophy collection of their body count. Body count isn't sexy, you learn nothing from sex once or twice with multiple partners. These people don't grow sexually, they wither and die. So if you find yourself missing all the social cues, you'll know from the sex. It is, however, harder with those few that have learned to play at monogamy while really maintaining multiple sexual partners. May sounds stupid, but their starsign can often hold the key to who has those personality traits. But honestly, once you spot them, in any scenario, drop them, don't do yourself the injustice of hanging around to be used. Brutal honesty, up front, in any relationship should be the goal. If you don't hide who you are, they hopefully shouldn't either. And theirs no harm asking early on if they're looking for monogamy or not. The more people you ask that question of the more used to spotting a lie you'll get.
fi**** Posted November 13 Pretty sure you could be talking about me. My apologies, it's not that I'm trying to get easy sex. Easy sex does not fulfill what I am in search of. It's I can't keep trying to do kink with the vanilla ladies that are really awsome and very intelligent and amazing in many different ways which is great, but soon as I am open about having kink a part of the relationship with them, it's pretty much I'm not normal man to them anymore and probably a pervert and any chance of a relationship on any level with those ladies is now never happening even though I'm trying to "set a boundary" I can make sure not to cross. And in doings so I've raised their warning flags. I thought this community would be a cool place to get to meet women that I would be able to not only speak on the subject but possibly get some play, if they were down for it and we set the rules and what ever else is nessassary to make it as safe as possible for all participants. But i understand if you want to label me. I came off like a bit of a dick because I was just sensing a bunch of judgement and negativity and and thought boy I sure wasted my $ with this app purchase. Then I just stopped opening the app for a few days because it was that much of a dissapointment to me. Just opened it now saw this post realized OK maybe I'm mentally ill and just come clean right now why I maybe acted how I acted. And maybe whoever reads it will see I'm not just some asshole with the wrong Intentions. i got this app to meet and satisfy at least one lucky ladies kinks and an hopefully they are kinks that turn me on. because then we all win. Whatever else you wish to say to me please say it, because I'm pretty sure your first impression of me is probably not representive of what kind of person I really am. And if I'm wrong just say so I'll never ever again think that I could fly with this crowd. But you have my attention, and i am saying I see where I f*cked everything up I can learn from it. really I'm just getting a bunch of the "some vanilla that is just trying to score some sex who is all about himself" vibes from more than just yourself, AuraBelle, I feel like this is going to be an ongoing hurdle for myself, having to prove I'm a worthy enough partner without looking like self centered , manipulative partner. Should I go though the list of ladies I've been intimate and kinky with sign a declaration that I definitely play a good dom, and how much emphasis I focused on importance of making them excited , then making them get hot, making sure they only got more hot and made them cum when I thought they had enough. And doing this all without asking her "am i doing this right?" And simply observing her body movements and listening to her breathe and how much all of it gains intensity to guide me in the right direction and how earthshattering an experience their first time being kinky with me was the end result. and how there were more kinky experiences to follow with them, take a photo of this declaration and send as a message as proof of experience?????Or is simply being able to talk the talk your screening process for finding someone experienced and genuine in the desired role you are searching to have fulfilled.
fi**** Posted November 13 My personal thoughts a experienced dom means I'm intuitive enough to know if I'm doing the role it right without reassurance in the form of dialogue from the partner I'm engaging with. How the fuck do I prove to someone that I I can give it a good shot, and if your not satisfied with my performance, it's probably going to bother me a whole lot more than you think it will. And if I'm at all concerned that my performance is inadequate, than I'm not going to all out lie just to get a chance to prove myself. Maybe I need a reality check from a partner to show me why I'm not as experienced as I think I am, and u would have the power to bring me back down to earth and get a more meaningful representation of my personality and willingness to keep improving myself. And give me an accurate Guage to compare what I am strong in and where I'm not strong in. And what a potential partner and their expectations actually are requesting of me
fi**** Posted November 13 If I'm sounding more and more like I don't belong on this app, the more i talk, pls speak up I will appreciate the honesty and won't be upset I promise.
Deleted Member Posted November 13 Im having this problem. Men are just looking for something easy. I always say no sex on the first date. They normally stop talking to you then. Dont get me wrong ive still had men come on to me. Ive just left and blocked them.
Ma**** Posted November 13 5 hours ago, fixugood said: My personal thoughts a experienced dom means I'm intuitive enough to know if I'm doing the role it right without reassurance in the form of dialogue from the partner I'm engaging with. How the fuck do I prove to someone that I I can give it a good shot, and if your not satisfied with my performance, it's probably going to bother me a whole lot more than you think it will. And if I'm at all concerned that my performance is inadequate, than I'm not going to all out lie just to get a chance to prove myself. Maybe I need a reality check from a partner to show me why I'm not as experienced as I think I am, and u would have the power to bring me back down to earth and get a more meaningful representation of my personality and willingness to keep improving myself. And give me an accurate Guage to compare what I am strong in and where I'm not strong in. And what a potential partner and their expectations actually are requesting of me Intuition really isn't a word I'd use around kink or, honestly, even sex most of the time. Consent and communication are the foundations of kink play!
fi**** Posted November 13 I agree with what you say MaskKinkCouple. This I say my intuition not maybe 100% term I meant. But more like there being an awareness that I'm aware I can tell when I'm engaging in kink, when the goal of satisfying my partners kink at that moment, hopefully longer than a couple mins at the least after the communication and consent have been agreed upon, after that I'm making observations and deciding do the end goals come closer to my reach or is my partner losing that excitement and that is guiding me. For me I guess I'm looking for intuitively beyond the point where the play starts. This anyway is how I try to play a role and keep a good safe distance from the boundaries and know if I'm getting closer to mine and my partners goals. That's what I meant by that comment not intuition, but intuitively between me and my partner in being able to realize before I lose that control completely and being told the safeword how to keep my partner excited and keep them up there as long as I want. Just by listening and observing knowing which way to move with it after is what I meant the intuitivity between participants
fi**** Posted November 13 Thats what my idea of a key quality an experienced dom absolutely must have.
ch**** Posted November 13 Same fixugood… I haven’t even chatted to anyone here but .. I’m feeling it’s a tough crowd / community just reading the comments I thought being a bit kinky came with acceptance here.. but looking like if you don’t fit the mould.. you’re just a sex starved weirdo looking for an easy root.. I’m ADHD bipolar 2 cPTSD and lotsa other shit .. probably like quite a few here because we’re known for being promiscuous and needing casual consensual sexual partners ..generally not vanilla types as y’all refer to them..so we find ourselves in places like this Just remember.. we all were vanilla before we weren’t.. stop hating on people that are trying to navigate this lifestyle
Ko**** Posted November 13 You're not wrong, cheeptorque! BUT! What this community is looking for is a simple understanding of what you may or may not be into and avoiding the dishonesty of playing on someone's kink string to just obtain sex. So, as I may have some of those things you speak of mentally, I took the time and went through a porn phase in my life carefully, looking at A-Z on what made me go. Mmmm. Then, the more interested stuff I liked, I researched more in depth on what the kink entailed, including reading about health risks and so forth and so on. A lot of kinks can be dangerous to others. We as a community only want assurance in safe practices in all that we like and love.
fi**** Posted November 13 Cheeptorque I have a personal question for you you do not need to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. You strike me as a fella that much like myself has spent many hours at work for many y ears "turning wrenches" for a living. If you are, u possibly could have a better understanding of me and my personality than others right off the bat. If I'm way off the mark and you have never diagnosed and repaired highway vehicles and or heavy machinery. So be it Just thought I'd throw that our there because only someone that has been in my shoes as long as I've been will agree. A Honest mechanic is unfortunately not a profitable one....I've been literally fired from every job I've had from mom.n pop shops to dealership level technician working for a very high end brand and beyond that doing custom work and metal fabrication. I've always tried to be honest and hasn't nessessarily benefitted myself my bank account or my employers past, with a little more open communication. I probably could have learned to scam and cheat more proficiently. Instead consistently dissapoint at all corners because I default to honesty. Ps I just got that vibe that maybe you understand my daily grind last 20 years thus know the value of covering myself to others as honest and the trouble honesty has until now, landed me
Ni**** Posted November 14 It’s a bit annoying that people really into kink don’t get what they searching for but people that are not into kinks get it 🥲
Au**** Posted November 14 Author 13 hours ago, fixugood said: Pretty sure you could be talking about me. My apologies, it's not that I'm trying to get easy sex. Easy sex does not fulfill what I am in search of. It's I can't keep trying to do kink with the vanilla ladies that are really awsome and very intelligent and amazing in many different ways which is great, but soon as I am open about having kink a part of the relationship with them, it's pretty much I'm not normal man to them anymore and probably a pervert and any chance of a relationship on any level with those ladies is now never happening even though I'm trying to "set a boundary" I can make sure not to cross. And in doings so I've raised their warning flags. I thought this community would be a cool place to get to meet women that I would be able to not only speak on the subject but possibly get some play, if they were down for it and we set the rules and what ever else is nessassary to make it as safe as possible for all participants. But i understand if you want to label me. I came off like a bit of a dick because I was just sensing a bunch of judgement and negativity and and thought boy I sure wasted my $ with this app purchase. Then I just stopped opening the app for a few days because it was that much of a dissapointment to me. Just opened it now saw this post realized OK maybe I'm mentally ill and just come clean right now why I maybe acted how I acted. And maybe whoever reads it will see I'm not just some asshole with the wrong Intentions. i got this app to meet and satisfy at least one lucky ladies kinks and an hopefully they are kinks that turn me on. because then we all win. Whatever else you wish to say to me please say it, because I'm pretty sure your first impression of me is probably not representive of what kind of person I really am. And if I'm wrong just say so I'll never ever again think that I could fly with this crowd. But you have my attention, and i am saying I see where I f*cked everything up I can learn from it. really I'm just getting a bunch of the "some vanilla that is just trying to score some sex who is all about himself" vibes from more than just yourself, AuraBelle, I feel like this is going to be an ongoing hurdle for myself, having to prove I'm a worthy enough partner without looking like self centered , manipulative partner. Should I go though the list of ladies I've been intimate and kinky with sign a declaration that I definitely play a good dom, and how much emphasis I focused on importance of making them excited , then making them get hot, making sure they only got more hot and made them cum when I thought they had enough. And doing this all without asking her "am i doing this right?" And simply observing her body movements and listening to her breathe and how much all of it gains intensity to guide me in the right direction and how earthshattering an experience their first time being kinky with me was the end result. and how there were more kinky experiences to follow with them, take a photo of this declaration and send as a message as proof of experience?????Or is simply being able to talk the talk your screening process for finding someone experienced and genuine in the desired role you are searching to have fulfilled. Thanks for sharing your perspective, but I think the core issue I was highlighting might have been lost in translation. I actually have zero issue with casual encounters or play, my post wasn't about judging anyone's preferences or how 'kinky' they are. It was strictly about honesty and respecting boundaries. If someone is upfront about their intentions, that's fine! The frustration comes from people who claim to want a genuine dynamic, claim to value communication, and then use that pretense to get easy supply while deceiving partners and refusing to put in the emotional work needed for safety. I appreciate you clarifying your intent, but my original post was really focused on calling out the deceit and low effort.
Au**** Posted November 14 Author 13 hours ago, fixugood said: If I'm sounding more and more like I don't belong on this app, the more i talk, pls speak up I will appreciate the honesty and won't be upset I promise. Speaking respectfully, I completely understand this conversation is hitting a nerve, and I appreciate you having the self-awareness to talk about improving yourself. Just to be perfectly clear: The issue I raised has zero to do with anyone's experience level or performance, and everything to do with honesty and respect. The community is for everyone, regardless of skill, as long as you are honest about your intentions and respect your partner's boundaries and desires. If you are upfront about who you are and what you're looking for, then you absolutely belong. It's really that simple. Focus on genuine communication and honesty, and forget about trying to prove anything to anyone.
Au**** Posted November 14 Author 6 hours ago, cheeptorque said: Same fixugood… I haven’t even chatted to anyone here but .. I’m feeling it’s a tough crowd / community just reading the comments I thought being a bit kinky came with acceptance here.. but looking like if you don’t fit the mould.. you’re just a sex starved weirdo looking for an easy root.. I’m ADHD bipolar 2 cPTSD and lotsa other shit .. probably like quite a few here because we’re known for being promiscuous and needing casual consensual sexual partners ..generally not vanilla types as y’all refer to them..so we find ourselves in places like this Just remember.. we all were vanilla before we weren’t.. stop hating on people that are trying to navigate this lifestyle I appreciate you sharing your feelings here, and I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling a sense of judgment from the community. The truth is, everyone belongs here. My post wasn't intended to hate or judge anyone's situation or preferences, it was strictly about calling out the deceit and low effort from people who misrepresent themselves to get what they want. If someone is honest and consensual, they are absolutely welcome. Your background or history has nothing to do with it. It’s all about mutual respect and transparency in the moment.
Au**** Posted November 14 Author 4 hours ago, Kojisama said: You're not wrong, cheeptorque! BUT! What this community is looking for is a simple understanding of what you may or may not be into and avoiding the dishonesty of playing on someone's kink string to just obtain sex. So, as I may have some of those things you speak of mentally, I took the time and went through a porn phase in my life carefully, looking at A-Z on what made me go. Mmmm. Then, the more interested stuff I liked, I researched more in depth on what the kink entailed, including reading about health risks and so forth and so on. A lot of kinks can be dangerous to others. We as a community only want assurance in safe practices in all that we like and love. YES! Kojisama, thank you for jumping in with this. My point is that it's not about judging what anyone is into. It's about how much easier and better this community is when everyone is just upfront, honest, and actually committed to safety instead of trying to play games. Your point about clear communication and preparation is perfectly stated and exactly what makes the good connections worthwhile.
Au**** Posted November 14 Author 9 hours ago, Blue-yesgirl said: Im having this problem. Men are just looking for something easy. I always say no sex on the first date. They normally stop talking to you then. Dont get me wrong ive still had men come on to me. Ive just left and blocked them. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Blue-yesgirl. It's frustrating, but you just perfectly illustrated the exact low-effort pattern my post was calling out. The fact that they stop talking to you when you set a clear, healthy boundary like 'no sex on the first date' is all the proof you need that they were never interested in you, just the easy supply. I just wish people would be truly honest about their intentions from the start, instead of misleading you. Keep blocking and keeping those high standards, you are absolutely doing it right!
Au**** Posted November 14 Author 15 hours ago, MaskKinkCouple said: Personally, I think they make themselves pretty obvious, between the ways they discuss kink vs sex and by their eagerness. Most in my experience are also driven to ask for photos. Almost like a trophy collection of their body count. Body count isn't sexy, you learn nothing from sex once or twice with multiple partners. These people don't grow sexually, they wither and die. So if you find yourself missing all the social cues, you'll know from the sex. It is, however, harder with those few that have learned to play at monogamy while really maintaining multiple sexual partners. May sounds stupid, but their starsign can often hold the key to who has those personality traits. But honestly, once you spot them, in any scenario, drop them, don't do yourself the injustice of hanging around to be used. Brutal honesty, up front, in any relationship should be the goal. If you don't hide who you are, they hopefully shouldn't either. And theirs no harm asking early on if they're looking for monogamy or not. The more people you ask that question of the more used to spotting a lie you'll get. Thank you so much for sharing such a thoughtful perspective! I completely agree with your call for brutal honesty. That should absolutely be the goal in any relationship. And your focus on finding partners who genuinely grow instead of just accumulating a trophy collection. That's absolutely the ideal. However, I've learned that some people treat their profiles like marketing material. I've seen firsthand how a dishonest partner will change their interests and even their stated relationship goals to perfectly mirror mine, lying upfront just to get through the door. It makes me realize that while asking questions early is smart, the bigger frustration is the wasted time when you realize they lied to you from the start. Sometimes the only thing that truly works is setting clear boundaries and seeing who respects them over time.
Ma**** Posted November 14 7 hours ago, AuraBelle said: Thank you so much for sharing such a thoughtful perspective! I completely agree with your call for brutal honesty. That should absolutely be the goal in any relationship. And your focus on finding partners who genuinely grow instead of just accumulating a trophy collection. That's absolutely the ideal. However, I've learned that some people treat their profiles like marketing material. I've seen firsthand how a dishonest partner will change their interests and even their stated relationship goals to perfectly mirror mine, lying upfront just to get through the door. It makes me realize that while asking questions early is smart, the bigger frustration is the wasted time when you realize they lied to you from the start. Sometimes the only thing that truly works is setting clear boundaries and seeing who respects them over time. 100% time is the only real test. I feel like dating in any form these days must be exhausting. So many folks kink or not just want easy sex without the rest. I personally don't get it. Even when I was swinging as a single, back in my youth, I was searching for more. A real connection where you can really achieve something, so I wish you the best luck on this journey and honestly don't be scared to connect with people in the real world under normal circumstances where sex isn't at the forefront. Yes, bringing up kinks can be harder and more embarrassing from their but it's where honesty comes in. Plus, any partner worth their salt and who cares for you should be willing to explore and learn your kinks. Who knows they may find they have some too!
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