A Genuine Question for doms: What Does “Emotional Responsibility” Mean to You?

[ar****]

Your last question — “How do you balance dominance with empathy?” — cuts to the core of this issue. I’ll speak of my current LTR and sub here. It’s much more to do with psychology than mechanics, although both aspects are important.

As Jagger sang, “Every cop is a criminal, and all the sinners, saints.” She’s capable of understanding a dominant mindset, of the ***istic urge to use someone’s body for your own (mutual) enjoyment. That understanding adds to the thrill she feels in her submission. Because of that dissociation, I make sure likewise to praise her for her efforts to take those energies FROM me FOR us.

When I restrain her, I want more than to make sure she isn’t feeling the pull of ligatures on her skin. When we move to impact play, it’s about more than tempering my follow-through. I know about sub drop, and I know what a gift it is for both of us for her to expose herself to that sort of cerebral and chemical roller coaster.

For these reasons, I don’t like the term after-care or the implication that the intimacy of the scene dissolves when the sex ends. After-care is as critical for a dom as making a plan, preparing equipment, and even periodic check-ins to the extent something unusual might warrant it. (A St Andrew’s cross can tweak your back after ten minutes if you’re not careful!)

Think of it as “A stitch, in time, saves nine.” Untended to emotional discomfort doesn’t evaporate. The sub needs to get it out one way or another. After time and practice together I can read her body in real time and don’t need to slow the scene down or have a verbal exchange to be sure.

I can pull her neck back toward me, make a small sound, and recognize in her response if there’s something that ought to take priority over the immediate scene. To reiterate, having done this a bunch, actual stops to regroup have become rare.

Moving on to brass tacks… Once we’ve finished a scene (and she isn’t in a stress position), I go about making her comfortable to resurface from her submission. If this means cooling down the room, that’s job one. I also often towel her down, because sweat and oil are hot on skin.

I remove non-restrictive items, such as a blindfold, next. I kiss her cheek softly and remind her of how glad I am to possess her. I often will give her slight massages to areas that are sore from impact play. I’ll glide arnica gel over her skin and lay nearby, reminding her what a good girl she has been for both of us. All of this can be done in five to ten minutes, and I consider it a standard bookend.

Outside of scenes, some things I’ve done to ensure a secure bond between us include (1) being affectionate out of the bedroom and especially within a few hours of playtime; (2) expressing interest in certain play elements and waiting - sometimes for months - for her to accept that as a new form of play; and (3) making sure that, when out of the bedroom, she feels loved and prioritized and lusted after.

Doubt kills this healthy dynamic. A seed of doubt can be planted without meaning to if a dom is too cavalier about their sub. I’m lucky to have my sub in my life. (We met a year and a half ago.) My sexual needs in our relationship are as reciprocal as each of our other needs, and I know one of my responsibilities as a dom is to be proactive so that she doesn’t feel like an object IN A BAD WAY and start to second-guess what she means to me.

[Da****]

Don't feel bad about it. Some men like squirting women.

[ma****]

By taking control of a sub, you assume full responsibility for the entirety of their being . When they submit fully , they trust you to hurt them, make them feel good , control them in all the right and wrong ways.

[DY****]

I love this question and I’m so grateful you asked! My limited experience as a submissive and just dating in general/observing men, I am starting to feel like my journey is coming to an end. It’s no secret that women are literally putting their lives on the line, even just by agreeing to a date. We date our only natural predator. Between men I encounter just in every day life to those I’ve agreed to dates with, I haven’t found a single one I could trust with my emotions. I don’t want to feel like I hate men as much as I do, especially with raising one, but actions over words show me there aren’t any. It’s nice to see that at some points around the world, there are men who seem to really “get it” by reading some of these responses.

[tw****]

For myself, I like to learn all I can about my sub; delve into her inner being. I work on developing both a physical and emotional safe space for my sub to truly be herself. To feel safe enough to express herself in ways to me she never has to anyone else (in same cases not even to herself), and without judgement. That is a privilege and is exciting too, to discover new things and desires, and then create a dynamic to fulfill those needs and desires.

The scenes only occupy a small part of the dynamic (I do not practice TPE with my current subs). But safety, trust, honesty, and openness remain 24/7.

[be****]

It’s 24/7, it’s not just about the scenes…being a dom is a full time responsibility. Especially if you’re in a big/little dynamic. So *** moment here…I just had a seven year relationship end where it was a full time dd/lg dynamic and at the end, I was so neglectful (not intentionally by any stretch of the imagination) that it was a reason why things ended. Coupled with my extremely bad mental health issues and the fact that I had just become an insufferable prick. As a domme on here told me, you can’t pour from an empty cup and sometimes doms and dommes themselves have to be subs every once in a while that way they can just let go and have someone take care of them.

[kinkymasterandrew]

Emotional responsibility is when a person, regardless of role, honestly shares their feelings and takes responsibility for their impact on the feelings of their partner(s). It's part of every healthy relationship and takes communication and work.

[Ha****]

Being a Dom to me means becoming responsible for not just the body but also the mind of those who give submission to me. Taking care that all of them is protected and cared for. Making sure that their sanity is protected and their mental well being. Helping them to grow and supported. Helping them find their limits in a protected manner. Supported and protected.

[co****]

I agree completely with you. It is not just a physical control. It's a mental/emotional bond, a dom should always protect and support their sub

[Pe****]

This feels like a bit of a double-edged sword. The ideas being presented encourage Doms to be better Doms, but also somewhat encourage subs to be worse subs. Within a D/s dynamic, the sub comes into it with all the power and gives some of that power to the Dom via submission. At any point, the submissive can just say no, and that's that. The Doms power is gone. Promoting the idea that the sub has absolutely no responsibility for their emotions or behavior just feels incorrect.
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Emotional responsibility is accepting that your emotions are YOUR emotions and only you control how you react to them. Emotional accountability is realizing how your behavior makes others feel. What's being talked about here goes beyond either of those, to the point of taking emotional responsibility and accountability away from the submissive. Carrying this idea outside the dynamic, where the submissive is no longer submissive, can cause major problems. They have all the power but no responsibility while the Dom has all the responsibility but no authority. I've seen this way of thinking lead to *** of the situation in a variety of ways. The sub quits their job because they think it's the Doms' responsibility to take care of them. The submissive starts commanding the Dom because they think the Dom owes it to them. The sub intentional does things hurtful to the Dom because they think they have no responsibility to the Dom, the Dom is the only one who has to a responsibility to make the other happy. The sub secretly has multiple Doms, who each think the sub is just their's, so the sub can always have somebody at the ready to "treat them like a princess." I call it fake sub syndrome. The ones who are not actually submissive but want to identify as subs because they view it as a list of benefits with zero responsibility or accountability.
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While I agree with much that others have said, I see confusing emotional responsibility with responsibility for your subs emotions to be problematic. It's a relationship, and all people involved have some degree of responsibility and accountability. Treating it as everything is on one side just opens the door for ab usive behavior.
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Focusing on the questions:
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Responsibility beyond the dynamic? I think you have a responsibility to encourage them to still be their own person. They are not just your sub, and they should still pursue their own desires such as games, hobbies, friends, and experiences. Through this, you should make sure they know they always have a safe place with you to come back to.
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Show care outside of scenes? You should check in with them on a regular basis to ask how their day has been and how they're feeling. Do things other than Treating them as your submissive. They're a person and deserve to be treated as such.
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Handle their emotional drops, insecurities, and softer moments? With understanding, reassurance, and loving care. Be a safe place where they don't have to be strong because you care about them and embrace who they are.
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Do you feel a duty to create safety? I believe it safety is just part of being in a relationship, D/s or otherwise, the people should always feel safe with each other.
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Balancing dominance and empathy? It's basically how you build trust. If you never exert your dominance over them, they've no need to trust you. If you aren't empathetic, they can't trust you. The balance lies in using your dominance enough that they have to trust you to not go too far and using your empathy to know how far is far enough without damaging their trust.
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The main thing I want people to realize is that all the answers I gave to the questions apply to both sides of the slash. Both Doms and subs have a responsibility beyond the dynamic, should show care outside of scenes, care about each other's emotional drops (yes, Dom drop is a thing), insecurities, and softer moments, make each other feel safe, and build trust as a crucial part of the relationship. Kink is not primarily about power and control, taking or giving up responsibility or accountability. It is about love, understanding, acceptance, and the relationship with those you want to share your life with. ❤️

[cl****]

D/s is about consensual power transfer. You're both responsible for communicating limits, desires, both physical and emotional, needs wants and likes. A D can set a frame but safe dominance and safe submission takes time and trust. I would want to know stuff I'm not allowed to say, sensitive topics and any no-gos in building a dynamic. The sub also needs to check in.