When should the hard to talk about past be talked about?

[Ma****]

50 minutes ago, JonRain954 said:

You literally say… I have trauma… and leave it at that. Because I have trauma… and I’m gunna leave it at that. Personally people who want to dive into what happened to me as a child that I’m being intimate with have always made me feel uncomfortable like why do you want to know. Things happened that’s all.

What if you re-trigger their trauma through something you do or say? You want them associating you with that? Plus, you're their Dom. You should want and need to know everything about them to really engage with their needs and desires. Some people heal their trauma through owning it via bdsm play, retaking the narrative and making it theirs. It's one of the most important things you can help a sub or anyone do.

[Ma****]

1 hour ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I get what you're saying, but seriously, I still think it's wrong. My whole point is you shouldn't jump into a new relationship until you're totally over your past and nothing can set you off. You shouldn't be dragging old baggage into a new thing. There shouldn't be any triggers left because your head should be clear of all that past trauma and problems. I don't get why you'd think it's cool for someone to be with another person and have to deal with their potential trauma and triggers? That's just gonna lead to bigger problems like trust issues, bad communication, and stuff being hidden. To me, that's super messed up and unfair to the new person because they should've known all this from the start. That way, they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.

So someone with war time PTSD should just get over it or wait till they have to regain a relationship? That stuff never heals it's always present as are most traumas. You learn to live with them and your partner, especially in kink should want to understand and guard you from retraumatization. Do you want to be the new face of their trauma because of something you did or said? By understanding it, you can help them take ownership of it. Many people in kink are doing just that an it's a hugely important part of the community. Mental health problems are rife and together we help each other rebuild and overcome these adversities.

[Jo****]

57 minutes ago, JonRain954 said:

You literally say… I have trauma… and leave it at that. Because I have trauma… and I’m gunna leave it at that. Personally people who want to dive into what happened to me as a child that I’m being intimate with have always made me feel uncomfortable like why do you want to know. Things happened that’s all.

Definitely discuss your hard nos. Triggers and things that aren’t acceptable for your play time. But what you chose to tell about your trauma, is up to you. Never feel pressured.

[Ma****]

2 hours ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Ummm, imo, you're completely wrong to think that you need to bring anything from the past to your new partner... i want to ask you this question first.For what reason do you think you need to tell him the only reason I would ever think to tell my current partner?Something about my past is, if it's something that i'm still doing.For example, maybe at one point I was a stripper or a hardcore drug.Addict, but in this current present day, I no longer do those things.So why would I make myself out to be potentially a person that can go back to those horrible things?Because what you're gonna do is put that in your partner's brain to possibly think that one day you might go back to it or one day when you stayed out later than you said or whatever the case is, he might possibly think that's what you're doing behind his back. But also not only that, even characteristic traits about yourself, I wouldn't even talk about, for example, if you used to be super crazy, jealous all up.In your partner's phone and wanting to know every little detail.But now you're one hundred percent secure, you don't care to know those things don't care to the seat in this phone.But you're just putting that in his brain 2 think that one day you might be jealous like that type.And nobody wants a jealous person like that.So he's gonna question or be cautious a bit more

How bad is your perspective of your own past that you don't want to share it. It's all the small things and past relationships that have made you who you are. Past sexual experiences too. Why wouldn't you discuss them. I want to know the best and worst sex my partner has had, the guy or girls that influenced them all the way up to the present. Only by knowing their journey can I help them grow further. Life is a journey and our stories are important. The only reason I can think of that you wouldn't want to hear that, is if you're insecure. Do you get jealous hearing about your partners past? You know that everyone has one, right?

[Ki****]

12 minutes ago, MaskKinkCouple said:

So someone with war time PTSD should just get over it or wait till they have to regain a relationship? That stuff never heals it's always present as are most traumas. You learn to live with them and your partner, especially in kink should want to understand and guard you from retraumatization. Do you want to be the new face of their trauma because of something you did or said? By understanding it, you can help them take ownership of it. Many people in kink are doing just that an it's a hugely important part of the community. Mental health problems are rife and together we help each other rebuild and overcome these adversities.

Yo my man, I think you got me wrong. I totally agree with what you just said, 100%. My problem is that she wants to bring this up to her partner later. My concern is that her partner wasn't allowed to decide for himself at the very beginning. Whether he wants to battle it out with her through these episodes and really wants to be the man she needs in those moments for the rest of their life. Or he might want to walk away, not wanting to deal with said trauma for his own reasons, and just leave it at that. I believe it's completely fair and justified to allow her partner this option, do you agree?

[IC****]

For anything that would help or hinder a scene with a new partner, or cause someone to have a bad time if not respected, like defining limits and boundaries, that should always be made clear up front before play.

Anything else is up to your comfort level as far as when/if you're okay with opening up and talking about certain things.

[Ki****]

55 minutes ago, AshiraMinx said:

People with trauma can’t just “get over” it. Triggers are a reality for people with trauma, and the existence of them doesn’t mean they’re not worthy of sexual or romantic intimacy. I have no problem dating someone with trauma and triggers.

Totally get it! 😥 I'm sorry if there was any misunderstanding on my part. I understand that traumas can be a real thing for some people. My main concern here is for the partner. Having to wait so long into a relationship – I don't know how deep this one is – but anything beyond a couple of days, in my opinion, is just too long to wait and it's unfair to them. If these matters, subjects, topics, and traumas are so important, they absolutely need to be discussed within the first day or two. I've had so many personal experiences where this has happened to me, and it's completely messed up and wrong of them. 💔 #Trauma #Relationships #Communication #Fairness #Experience #Empathy

[Ma****]

20 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Yo my man, I think you got me wrong. I totally agree with what you just said, 100%. My problem is that she wants to bring this up to her partner later. My concern is that her partner wasn't allowed to decide for himself at the very beginning. Whether he wants to battle it out with her through these episodes and really wants to be the man she needs in those moments for the rest of their life. Or he might want to walk away, not wanting to deal with said trauma for his own reasons, and just leave it at that. I believe it's completely fair and justified to allow her partner this option, do you agree?

Not really. Ideal world yes that would be great if we could be open and up front about our bullshit but in the real world it takes time and trust to open up about that stuff. I'm not going to bring it up early every time and face the potential of rejection. Especially if Im searching and longing for the connection that can help heal me. By the time that trust has manifested you both should have grown to care for each other, thats why you'retrusted. And even if it's purely Dom/sub sexual and they're not your daily partner are you going to suddenly reject them for something out of their control from their past? Clearly, if you're still their they hide it well, so why would it suddenly be a deal breaker?

[Pr****]

The sooner the better. I do mine in vetting because it'll give me significantly deeper understanding of the individual, their needs, and what could be worked into the dynamic. Obviously there will always be deeper level things that they may not want to discuss but it will naturally happen with time if you have good communication and that solid foundation of understanding and a judgement free environment.

[KT****]

2 hours ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I get what you're saying, but seriously, I still think it's wrong. My whole point is you shouldn't jump into a new relationship until you're totally over your past and nothing can set you off. You shouldn't be dragging old baggage into a new thing. There shouldn't be any triggers left because your head should be clear of all that past trauma and problems. I don't get why you'd think it's cool for someone to be with another person and have to deal with their potential trauma and triggers? That's just gonna lead to bigger problems like trust issues, bad communication, and stuff being hidden. To me, that's super messed up and unfair to the new person because they should've known all this from the start. That way, they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.

Trauma is much harder to heal from. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship with someone with "baggage". If you found a compassionate and understanding person, the relationship will work. I know as cleche as it sounds but communication is really what makes relationships work. Hiding a shitty past because it's "easier" for your new partner isn't the way to go about it.
Its not like a *** victim/survivor just heals over night or hides that part of them. I mean Jesus, they could be doing a normal everyday thing like washing dishes and something can randomly trigger them and boom, you have a full on PTSD attack and now your partner is clueless and has no idea how to help.
Its not about sexual triggers.
So yes, sharing your "baggage" could help.
And bouncing back to your awful analogy to drug addiction and ex strippers, would you never tell your new partner of your past? I'd be more upset finding out my partner was either or like 10yrs down the line. Like why hide that? It's all about trust.

[KT****]

1 hour ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Yo my man, I think you got me wrong. I totally agree with what you just said, 100%. My problem is that she wants to bring this up to her partner later. My concern is that her partner wasn't allowed to decide for himself at the very beginning. Whether he wants to battle it out with her through these episodes and really wants to be the man she needs in those moments for the rest of their life. Or he might want to walk away, not wanting to deal with said trauma for his own reasons, and just leave it at that. I believe it's completely fair and justified to allow her partner this option, do you agree?

I don't think the original post had a timeline when they wanted to discuss. You said it was wrong to bring it up in your initial comment, now you're trying to back pedal and change your mind.

[PL****]

3 hours ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I get what you're saying, but seriously, I still think it's wrong. My whole point is you shouldn't jump into a new relationship until you're totally over your past and nothing can set you off. You shouldn't be dragging old baggage into a new thing. There shouldn't be any triggers left because your head should be clear of all that past trauma and problems. I don't get why you'd think it's cool for someone to be with another person and have to deal with their potential trauma and triggers? That's just gonna lead to bigger problems like trust issues, bad communication, and stuff being hidden. To me, that's super messed up and unfair to the new person because they should've known all this from the start. That way, they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.

That to me is an unreasonable ask. I am 46 and I have been through therapy many times to deal with my trauma. The reason several times, is because, triggers happen and trauma comes back up later often for victims of it.

[Ki****]

2 hours ago, KT_D said:

Trauma is much harder to heal from. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship with someone with "baggage". If you found a compassionate and understanding person, the relationship will work. I know as cleche as it sounds but communication is really what makes relationships work. Hiding a shitty past because it's "easier" for your new partner isn't the way to go about it.
Its not like a *** victim/survivor just heals over night or hides that part of them. I mean Jesus, they could be doing a normal everyday thing like washing dishes and something can randomly trigger them and boom, you have a full on PTSD attack and now your partner is clueless and has no idea how to help.
Its not about sexual triggers.
So yes, sharing your "baggage" could help.
And bouncing back to your awful analogy to drug addiction and ex strippers, would you never tell your new partner of your past? I'd be more upset finding out my partner was either or like 10yrs down the line. Like why hide that? It's all about trust.

I was going to go on and really dive into this to answer for you, but none of you guys have really given me a good example of one that would actually be okay the way OP describes it. What do you guys really think is okay to talk about with your partner months or even years down the road? Again, my thing is anything and everything that can cause a relationship issue should be a discussion within the first couple of days. The one who has such conditions already knows it could pop up any time, any day, and should be able to discuss that with their future potential partner. The only example you guys have given me is PTSD. That's something I've never witnessed or know enough about to really discuss how it plays a part in this. I don't like to talk about something I don't fully understand because then I could be misinterpreting my point.

[Ki****]

3 hours ago, MaskKinkCouple said:

Not really. Ideal world yes that would be great if we could be open and up front about our bullshit but in the real world it takes time and trust to open up about that stuff. I'm not going to bring it up early every time and face the potential of rejection. Especially if Im searching and longing for the connection that can help heal me. By the time that trust has manifested you both should have grown to care for each other, thats why you'retrusted. And even if it's purely Dom/sub sexual and they're not your daily partner are you going to suddenly reject them for something out of their control from their past? Clearly, if you're still their they hide it well, so why would it suddenly be a deal breaker?

I can't even believe you even sent this paragraph i really can't, cause to me this makes you out to be a big piece of crap and why anybody would want that is crazy. But first and foremost, you're not really telling me more specifically what this thing is that you think woukd be ok keeping from tour partner... Man I can't even come to understand why you think that's okay to hold on to this huge lie from your future lifelong partner. And then you go on saying that you're purposely lying to somebody and deceiving this person for you to heal, (she not your DR) that is horribly selfish of you to do in my opinion. Then this whole idea why you woukdnt allow slmeone to make a choice that could be life altering to them is more crqzh cause thays there chiice not yours to make. You now ***d them to be ok with it because now this guilt trip of trusting eachother "because now she loves me amd won't leave me" mentality... for you to think you can dictate and determine whether your partner has to deal with your shit is crazy bro, that's the most manipulated shit Ive ever heard....That's crazy with something that has nothing to do with her to now be ***d to be okay with it. .But if it's something that you did or misled her in the middle of your relationships, okay, I could see that point making sense. Man I have never seen someone throw themselves under the bus and make themselves look so disgusting and bad in my entire life. Im baffled!

[kinkymasterandrew]

To the original question, I think the person with the story should bring it up, the other person(s) may not want to *** the discussion or know how to bring it up with sensitivity. As such, it's a decision of the one with the story to decide what and when they're comfortable sharing. This is all based on the idea that the person with the story is likely the one more likely to be upset about the story.

[KT****]

45 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I can't even believe you even sent this paragraph i really can't, cause to me this makes you out to be a big piece of crap and why anybody would want that is crazy. But first and foremost, you're not really telling me more specifically what this thing is that you think woukd be ok keeping from tour partner... Man I can't even come to understand why you think that's okay to hold on to this huge lie from your future lifelong partner. And then you go on saying that you're purposely lying to somebody and deceiving this person for you to heal, (she not your DR) that is horribly selfish of you to do in my opinion. Then this whole idea why you woukdnt allow slmeone to make a choice that could be life altering to them is more crqzh cause thays there chiice not yours to make. You now ***d them to be ok with it because now this guilt trip of trusting eachother "because now she loves me amd won't leave me" mentality... for you to think you can dictate and determine whether your partner has to deal with your shit is crazy bro, that's the most manipulated shit Ive ever heard....That's crazy with something that has nothing to do with her to now be ***d to be okay with it. .But if it's something that you did or misled her in the middle of your relationships, okay, I could see that point making sense. Man I have never seen someone throw themselves under the bus and make themselves look so disgusting and bad in my entire life. Im baffled!

I think you misread the comment and that's ok. Maskkinkcouple is my husband. He is not the type to hide anything. We are both over sharing people and I knew more about him before we even started seeing eachother. You are literally all over the place and changing your view, which is whatever. This platform is to learn and grow as a community. So maybe this has helped you see the way others think. 🤔

[Ki****]

9 minutes ago, KT_D said:

I think you misread the comment and that's ok. Maskkinkcouple is my husband. He is not the type to hide anything. We are both over sharing people and I knew more about him before we even started seeing eachother. You are literally all over the place and changing your view, which is whatever. This platform is to learn and grow as a community. So maybe this has helped you see the way others think. 🤔

I'm not all over the place at all. To better clarify some things, it makes sense to know the specifics of what you, he, and I are describing. I'm 100% okay with people having different opinions. That's not the case here or the problem. But that's the reason why I asked him, "What in his right mind would think those are okay?" But hey, maybe I misunderstood, I don't know. It also depends on the specifics, as I said. I'm on standby regarding what I've said so far until I get more details, but at this point, there's no need for details. I think we get the drift of where we're both at. And that's okay, agree to disagree. Like you said, we're all here to learn, and hopefully, the original poster got the answer they needed. By no means do I use this as some kind of competition. That's never my thinking.

But sometimes I do ask questions because I want to know more about why people think the way they think. It's not to try to convince them otherwise or to change their views or minds. I just like to understand anything and everything I can about everybody.

[CopperKnob]

27 minutes ago, kinkymasterandrew said:

To the original question, I think the person with the story should bring it up, the other person(s) may not want to *** the discussion or know how to bring it up with sensitivity. As such, it's a decision of the one with the story to decide what and when they're comfortable sharing. This is all based on the idea that the person with the story is likely the one more likely to be upset about the story.

I've a question based on your current stance. Do you, as a man, have the right to determine/decide whether someone you've impregnated either goes ahead with the pregnancy or has an ab0rtion? Different topic but given your current narrative, you're suggesting the the person receiving information receives the information at a time that they determine.

[Ki****]

6 hours ago, Karmilla said:

I think it depends on the kind of person you are.
If you are a sub and you have traumas it is important that your dom know some things and vice versa so about hurting the other person. To talk about the past Has NOTHING to do with jealousy or insecurity, for some people is importat in a s/d dynamic to get to know the other person and to do that the past is an important field. We all are the person we are today because what has happened to us. Bad or good, there should be not shame to share this if you feel like.

Okay, so maybe I went about this whole thing a little differently because I'll give you one example of some of the things that I'm referring to. And it's not so much trauma. If that's the word the OP used, I may have mistakenly answered the question wrong. But in my case, for example, I used to be super, super jealous, and jealousy is crazy bad when all you're doing is assuming and throwing out accusations, always thinking the worst, always jumping to conclusions when they start to talk, never really having an actual conversation. You just get mad and think you're right, and many more things, of course. So with this example, I would bring up stories about how badly jealous I was in specific situations and instances of what I would do. And they would instantly seem concerned, but trying to convince them now at this point that I'm not jealous anymore is hard. Then, as every day goes by, they start to nitpick things that I would do and assume that I'm being that super jealous person that I once was before..

[CopperKnob]

24 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Okay, so maybe I went about this whole thing a little differently because I'll give you one example of some of the things that I'm referring to. And it's not so much trauma. If that's the word the OP used, I may have mistakenly answered the question wrong. But in my case, for example, I used to be super, super jealous, and jealousy is crazy bad when all you're doing is assuming and throwing out accusations, always thinking the worst, always jumping to conclusions when they start to talk, never really having an actual conversation. You just get mad and think you're right, and many more things, of course. So with this example, I would bring up stories about how badly jealous I was in specific situations and instances of what I would do. And they would instantly seem concerned, but trying to convince them now at this point that I'm not jealous anymore is hard. Then, as every day goes by, they start to nitpick things that I would do and assume that I'm being that super jealous person that I once was before..

Jealousy is nowhere near the same as traumas (and yeah, thats the word they used) nor it it the same as substance misuse so yup, you've gone about answering the OP the wrong way.
You may have an apology to make and some reflection on why you felt the need to centre yourself in the OPs question.

[Ma****]

1 hour ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I'm not all over the place at all. To better clarify some things, it makes sense to know the specifics of what you, he, and I are describing. I'm 100% okay with people having different opinions. That's not the case here or the problem. But that's the reason why I asked him, "What in his right mind would think those are okay?" But hey, maybe I misunderstood, I don't know. It also depends on the specifics, as I said. I'm on standby regarding what I've said so far until I get more details, but at this point, there's no need for details. I think we get the drift of where we're both at. And that's okay, agree to disagree. Like you said, we're all here to learn, and hopefully, the original poster got the answer they needed. By no means do I use this as some kind of competition. That's never my thinking.

But sometimes I do ask questions because I want to know more about why people think the way they think. It's not to try to convince them otherwise or to change their views or minds. I just like to understand anything and everything I can about everybody.

I think it's your approach, you were first on the board and said in your first sentence, "you're completely wrong". That's not construtive or helpful to anyone asking the community for advice. It's down right rude and while I get it's your opinion there way more constructive ways to communicate it. This is a safe space and you barged in with your point of view in such a way as to miss the whole point of these forums. We're all here to share and help each other, not attack people. Your initial post comes off as hostile to people with trauma and if you exhibit those same traits in person, I'm sure it takes a while for people to be secure enough with you to share these things. You could be getting to that spot sooner if you listened and were more open and then, for your benefit, you could avoid people with trauma who might need more from you mentally and might take more work. I'm not here to say your point is invalid, it should be a discussion, and I'm sure others share it. Some people are dealing with so much of their own shit that the idea of taking on responsibility for others is terrifying. I get it. All I would say is just try to be more open and thoughtful about how you express yourself, just in case that can trigger their trauma or someone else's. I'm sure plenty of men and women on here have feelings about being told they're wrong, especially so publicly, it's humiliating and degrading in a really unfun way, especially when wbl51265 is just trying to ask when is it OK and when should she share. Do you dump it all at once or do you ease into it. The truth is that ultimately depends on her partner and her read of them. If it was you that conversation might be really hard to bring up and dumping everything at once might scare you off, but she might want to keep you so maybe breaking it down in small pieces so as not to overwhelm you is the right approach or maybe for you there isn't one and anything said will mean you walk. And even if it was me and felt comfortable enough to blurt it out all at once in one sitting the first time we met. Maybe there's still risk. Maybe I would feel to close to her initially to meet her kinks head on. Maybe I would see her in her trauma and it'd take me time to meet her needs instead of if we'd gotten in to the kink met those desires and then she broke her trauma down. I don't think there is one size fits all solution to this question, it's why it's such an interesting topic and has provoked so many reactions. It's the dialog that we learn from.

[Ma****]

2 hours ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I can't even believe you even sent this paragraph i really can't, cause to me this makes you out to be a big piece of crap and why anybody would want that is crazy. But first and foremost, you're not really telling me more specifically what this thing is that you think woukd be ok keeping from tour partner... Man I can't even come to understand why you think that's okay to hold on to this huge lie from your future lifelong partner. And then you go on saying that you're purposely lying to somebody and deceiving this person for you to heal, (she not your DR) that is horribly selfish of you to do in my opinion. Then this whole idea why you woukdnt allow slmeone to make a choice that could be life altering to them is more crqzh cause thays there chiice not yours to make. You now ***d them to be ok with it because now this guilt trip of trusting eachother "because now she loves me amd won't leave me" mentality... for you to think you can dictate and determine whether your partner has to deal with your shit is crazy bro, that's the most manipulated shit Ive ever heard....That's crazy with something that has nothing to do with her to now be ***d to be okay with it. .But if it's something that you did or misled her in the middle of your relationships, okay, I could see that point making sense. Man I have never seen someone throw themselves under the bus and make themselves look so disgusting and bad in my entire life. Im baffled!

Lol, I have no baggage so anything voiced is theoretical and form my thoughts on the reasons and approaches people with baggage might take. I'm not a war vet with PTSD, I've never been in an abusive relationship, I've never been rapped or molested and as such, I can only speculate on how approaching those things would feel. But I have empathy and I can imagine how hard those conversations and facts would be to bring up. How would you tell someone you were molested and how much detail would you want to share. Would you even want to think about it to discuss it would they forever see you as a victim, would they treat you differently, would you feel different once they knew, would their touch be the same, would yours the questions would be maddening. Put yourself in their shoes and stop trying to tell them what you think is alright. Your voice is valid, but your tone isn't.

[kinkymasterandrew]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

Jealousy is nowhere near the same as traumas (and yeah, thats the word they used) nor it it the same as substance misuse so yup, you've gone about answering the OP the wrong way.
You may have an apology to make and some reflection on why you felt the need to centre yourself in the OPs question.

I didn't mean that for all information, I just used that wording to avoid ambiguity. Words like victim or trauma suffered seemed more limited than the original poster was intending since they talked about it as "important stuff". The question also implies that the important stuff is in the past. If this was a dangerous ex or medical diagnosis who posed a danger today, that would warrant increased urgency.

[kinkymasterandrew]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I've a question based on your current stance. Do you, as a man, have the right to determine/decide whether someone you've impregnated either goes ahead with the pregnancy or has an ab0rtion? Different topic but given your current narrative, you're suggesting the the person receiving information receives the information at a time that they determine.

I was replying to this statement, not the other quoted, not sure how that happened.

[Sw****]

Personally as a DD/CG I want to know these things as soon as my partner is comfortable enough to talk about it. Or at the very least give me boundries or things to avoid. Usually I will lead with my experiences at some point in a dipping my toes in kind of way.
My points of reasoning are:
I don't want to unknowingly trigger them. These things can be very ***ful. I cant overstate how horrid it feels making someone relive traumas. Also particularly for me the stress of not knowing why, what u did, if things will be ok, and a million other what ifs flying around in my head can be very problematic or damaging to the relationship were trying to build as well.
As a mostly recovered childhood *** victim I like sharing about my past. It feels like a bonding moment for me. I also understand the weight. The urge or desire to protect and comfort my little/sub/SO is passionately strong almost a need.

If you can talk about it I think you should. If you cant talk about it. Try to give a few triggers that are commonly touched as ground rules to avoid. If they care they may ask and you can always say not right now.