Mu**** Posted November 22 This is so disheartening, one aspect that attracted me towards this lifestyle is Respect. During my years in college, I was fortunate enough to enroll in a human sexuality course as an elective. A psychologist claimed that most people practice BDSM, suffer from some kind of psychological disorder. I found his theory to be wrong. Pleasure comes in different forms and not every person is the same. Those that take on the role as a Dominant doesn't mean it's my way or the highway. Boundaries should not be crossed nor should they be ignored. A known practice is learning about each other's desires and what it will take to achieve them. Safety is a must, and it's important to have a word, sign or gesture as signal to stop. Establishing ground rules, not only to prevent ***, it's our responsibility as adults to abide by them. Submitting yourself willingly, with limits, on contract. Aftercare, talk about what could be done differently the next time. That way you both can enjoy it passionately.
Curiously_Exploring Posted November 22 Thursday at 07:59 PM, darkstallion1 said: This is totally understandable! But we all should know that just as in every aspects of life, they’re always gonna be bad actors and participants in everything… as a Dom myself, the onus should not be placed on the “good doms” to make right for all the bad ones, women overall needs to protect themselves from the jump and make sure that who they’re opening up themselves(heart, body, trust and integrity, mind and emotions) with are actually capable of both leading, caring, dominating and protecting them as he should…. You should not just go following any and every man blindly u meet! Take accountability and stop garnering trauma just for it to be another man’s problems and stress Did you know, that 100% of DV cases would be prevented if people didn't commit DV? Or that 100% of r@pes would be prevented if people didn't r@pe?
ir**** Posted November 22 It is unfortunate that the more visible a sub-culture is, the more tourists will flock towards it to exploit for their own ends. The 'doms' with the lowercase 'd' have always existed within the community for as long as I have been a part of it, 20 plus years. My only words to protect yourself, as was told to me by my mentor in the lifestyle, are 'Dominant not domineering and submissive not Subversive' to help identify. Dominants, by their nature, are very caring individuals regardless of their role, this should help to identify the good from the bad.
mi**** Posted November 22 I think this goes the other way to when a sub has been mistreated by a don or multiple doms that the trauma response is to be treated like that and when we run into these subs we start to switch off the the dom we want to be to the caring nurture person for them because we know this and somehow don’t want to dominate them but care more and just show them that they aren’t all like this as well still have the dominance over them but with a really light line on how to precede with bratty and sub tendencies that we have come to know
Au**** Posted November 24 Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this! This post hits me in my absolute core, and every single word you wrote about 'doms' who leave emotional wreckage, and the damage done, is so incredibly true. I know exactly what you mean by them taking so much out of you, it's devastating. My biggest lesson learned the hard way is that the men who talk the biggest game about 'dominance' are often the ones with the least integrity and genuine understanding of what true D/s is. They use the language of the lifestyle to manipulate, control, and get supply, without any of the responsibility or care. I've come to realize that my non-confrontational nature, which used to feel like a weakness, actually became my superpower. While they thought they were getting away with it, I was quietly observing and taking 'notes' on all their inconsistencies, their gaslighting, and their utter lack of empathy. This internal 'note-taking' and trusting my gut, even when it was screaming things I didn't want to believe, ultimately allowed me to see their true character. And that's how I got out and how I'm protecting myself now. I trust my gut above all else. If something feels off, if their words don't match their actions, if they try to project their issues onto me, I'm learning to listen to that internal alarm bell immediately. It took a lot to get here, but separating their manipulative narrative from my own truth has been everything. My heart goes out to you and everyone who has survived this kind of ***. It's truly a dark side, but sharing stories like yours helps us all identify these pretenders/predators faster and protect ourselves.
To**** Posted November 24 I disagree that "real doms" will think you are bratty, disobedient, untrained, difficult, or unworthy for being guarded. I would be wary of anyone who encounters someone who is traumatized and discerning and distrustful as a result and labels them or handles them this way. I can understand your f@ar that you might miss the opportunity to have a connection with someone who is worthy of *you* because of learned behaviors from those who are not. I've been called bratty for being strong-willed and treated as difficult for pulling away, snapping at people who touch without consent, and those people weren't worthy of my presence, let alone my submission. I think someone who is worthy of your trust will not hesitate to earn it. I don't think these "fake doms" are pretending. I think within BDSM abusive behavior is easily cloaked behind c@ercion. Unfortunately, that's supported by our communities' f@ar of stigma. We *** holding ***rs who are doms accountable would endorse further stigmatization. What's worse is many of these abus*rs hold power in our community (dungeon moniters, dungeon hosts, educators, board members, etc) and to hold them accountable we need to agree to do so as a collective. This often means agreeing that harm was done and what to do to prevent more harm. Ultimately, even with collective action, the power must be pulled by *** if the people who have done harm refuse to reconcile, and the power bestowed upon them isn't given by the people harmed. We need to stop attending those spaces and hiring these educators and leave parties with these dungeon monitors and organizations with these board members. I hate to see the complacency, but most people love BDSM more than we love each other and won't sacrifice the spaces and groups where they practice play.I wonder if those who are complacent or defensive are doing so because that would question what it means to be dominant or submissive when consent is being violated or coerced. Are there really fake doms, or are we all capable of doing very deep harm if we don't treat those we are playing with with immense care and caution? If the acts associated with BDSM would be considered a@@ault or ab*se (barking orders, demanding pics, sharing them) without consent, then are fake doms just ab@sers pretending to care about consent? If risk is involved, stakes are high, and mistakes are made, what does that mean for accountability and community? I think we need to have really hard conversations a lot more often about the impact of our actions and to make our intent clear by adjusting our behavior accordingly. I think we need to invite others to do the same in tangible ways for the healing of those harmed. I don't think you or anyone else should live in f@ar that your pics that you took under duress might be seen by your ch1ldren because of the selfish actions of someone else. I think we should question the harmful behavior of our p@@rs when we witness it and support the autonomy of those who are disempowered by their actions.
Ba**** Posted November 24 All. Of. This!!! I’ve seen so many pass through clubs i frequent and, despite several of us flagging them as worrying, they’d not broken rules so were allowed to stay. And then they hurt someone… and someone else and someone else and someone else. And only then would they get banned. But that information was rarely passed to other clubs so they could easily begin the cycle again elsewhere. This is why I’ve taken a huge step back from fetish clubs and treat most messages with extreme contempt and suspicion.
li**** Posted November 25 Honestly this hits home at a deeper level than the bottomless sea…. I just spent 2 years taking care of a man being there for him doing everything I can to make sure I can be the right one for him but he turned me away minimal after care at that like less than 2 minutes even tho I did aftercare too it hurt he would just walk away, he spent 15 or so hours downstairs away from me saying he need space, he’s working, but most the time I saw him playing games down there when I needed water or whatever. He physically put hands on me and told me its because I “***ed” him off he kept saying there’s the door and I told him I would leave more than 6 times till I finally left he tried taking my phone which he so kindly got me in the first part of the relationship he was a good man for the first part of the relationship but always used *** and gifts for a reason for me to be happy…. Idk I thank you for saying something cause that’s a honest concern we should bring to everyone’s attention that subs are being with fake doms but then again there’s fake subs out there that don’t respect the doms so it should meet in the middle somewhere not just be one sided but this is the second dom I dropped everything for and moved far away from family with just to get pushed away and beat down and my personal opinion I’m done with it!! I’m done with guys acting like they’ll give their females the world then turn their backs I appreciate all the gifts but time and effort matter too I’m pretty sure there’s things I’ve done that weren’t right but idk it’s prolly feeding on energy or reactions I was never like that, I been home for almost 2 weeks now I’m so broken idk who I wanna talk to or when
mr**** Posted November 28 You didn’t lose anything you just stepped out of something that was never built to hold you. What you went through wasn’t dominance it was a man confusing control with connection. There’s a difference, and your body felt it long before your mind could name it. What stands out isn’t the p@in. It’s that even while you were hurting, you were still giving. Still showing up. Still doing the kind of care he couldn’t even spell. ou weren’t wrong about what you felt. You were wrong about who you felt it with Two things can be true at the same time: You’re bruised right now. And you’re not broken. P@in makes a lot of noise, but clarity always comes after it. And when it does, you’ll see what’s obvious from the outside your commitment wasn’t the problem. His capacity was. A man can only lead with the tools he has, and he didn’t have enough for a woman built like you. The strength you used to walk away is the same strength that’s going to rebuild you. And the type of energy you were trying to follow? The real version of that doesn’t run, hide, or punish. It steadies. It respects. It meets you where you are and lifts, not drops. You weren’t asking for too much. You were asking the wrong man.
Deleted Member Posted November 28 Doms have a responsibility to treat their partner right, regardless of Kink. Totally agree with this.
PL**** Posted November 28 4 hours ago, mrvetnotthepet said: You didn’t lose anything you just stepped out of something that was never built to hold you. What you went through wasn’t dominance it was a man confusing control with connection. There’s a difference, and your body felt it long before your mind could name it. What stands out isn’t the p@in. It’s that even while you were hurting, you were still giving. Still showing up. Still doing the kind of care he couldn’t even spell. ou weren’t wrong about what you felt. You were wrong about who you felt it with Two things can be true at the same time: You’re bruised right now. And you’re not broken. P@in makes a lot of noise, but clarity always comes after it. And when it does, you’ll see what’s obvious from the outside your commitment wasn’t the problem. His capacity was. A man can only lead with the tools he has, and he didn’t have enough for a woman built like you. The strength you used to walk away is the same strength that’s going to rebuild you. And the type of energy you were trying to follow? The real version of that doesn’t run, hide, or punish. It steadies. It respects. It meets you where you are and lifts, not drops. You weren’t asking for too much. You were asking the wrong man. Say it louder for those in the back!
Sk**** Posted Saturday at 07:49 AM I’ve felt like this for a while and it’s a deeply irritating feeling, I just want that trust and bond with out feeling wasted
co**** Posted Saturday at 03:52 PM You said that so well, some men think calling themselves a "Dom" is an excuse to just be sexist or abusive. For me, I don't play in d/s dynamics unless I'm in a committed relationship or deep FWB where we're genuinely close friends and care about each other. For casual sex it always has to be vanilla, or maybe some roleplay, but nothing beyond that. I also have on my profile that I'm a feminist and would never fuck anyone who is not a feminist. That is really important to me
mr**** Posted Sunday at 12:17 AM 8 hours ago, cocktailslvt said: You said that so well, some men think calling themselves a "Dom" is an excuse to just be sexist or abusive. For me, I don't play in d/s dynamics unless I'm in a committed relationship or deep FWB where we're genuinely close friends and care about each other. For casual sex it always has to be vanilla, or maybe some roleplay, but nothing beyond that. I also have on my profile that I'm a feminist and would never fuck anyone who is not a feminist. That is really important to me I agree let's unpack this A feminist, by definition, i s simply someone who supports equal rights for women. That's it. Support. Not a crusade, not a performance, a nd definitely not the angry man-hater people throw around when they want to dodge the conversation. Just support. And by that definition, in the BDSM world specifically, but in the world generally, we should all be feminists. Because if you're playing in a space built on trust, consent, and negotiated power, equality isn't some side conversation. I t's the foundation. You can't have real power exchange without it. T he irony writes itself!
ni**** Posted Sunday at 03:32 AM I’m coming to terms right now with the way that I’ve been affected by bad “doms” who took on none of the care or responsibility. It’s definitely going to make it difficult once I find someone who actually deserves my submission 😭
Deleted Member Posted Sunday at 11:11 AM nic24601, I’m sorry that you’ve been affected by terrible doms, ideally a dom will not only be sexually dominant, but it’s not just about that, it’s about the care of their sub or significant other, to make sure they’re safe, and mentally looked after too.
wr**** Posted Tuesday at 02:43 AM Nic24601 it is a shame that anybody would abus@ the trust that that is supposed to be shared in this experience anybody that would do it should be ashamed of themselves and should be made to feel as insignificant and uncared for as they have made someone else feel
De**** Posted Wednesday at 10:13 PM Ziggyp I really resonate with the sending of pictures and even videos. Very early into my kink exploration l was too trusting and believed the men on these apps who called themselves “dom”. I fell for the “if you’re really a sub you would do x” and even though the logical part of my brain was saying stop, l overrode my own good sense because I thought that l would have to do these things to show l was serious. After a few experiences with “real” doms, who although far from perfect, showed me what dominance and submission should look like (to varying degrees), l learnt to hold boundaries, trust my instincts and walk away if I’m ever asked to do something l don’t feel comfortable with. I’m sorry I’ve had these experiences and I truly hope you find the doms who not only know what they’re doing but show care, patience and look after you in the way you deserve. These BDSM streets can be trash!
Recommended Posts