Collars

[Ta****]

So what do we do with our collars after a dynamic ends?
I initially threw mine in the bin, admittedly I wasnt thinking straight but thankfully I retrieved it & threw it in a drawer to deal with later well its now later so what do I do with it?
Yes I look at it & my heart hurts for the loss of what I thought we had but Im doing better now, feeling stronger, more capable of addressing this & other things that I put on a back burner.
I'm in no contact with him & have no wish to know his views or feelings, he did his damage with lies & betrayal.
It is a beautiful day collar that i was once so proud to wear but will never wear it again.
My thinking is to put it with the few other items in a lockable box with a letter forgiving myself for what I didnt deserve & a letter to him saying everything i left unsaid & after locking it putting it up in the loft with my wedding dress box of stuff that will never get worn/used again either! & throwing away the key to give myself the closure & a final goodbye so I can draw a line under this & move on with the clarity & dignity I deserve.

[Deleted Member]

I would offer the context of a song you enjoy. You listen to the song, perhaps with your significant other, so much that it becomes associated with your relationship. Then you break up. ... The song is still a good song, right? Do you decide to never listen to it again?

I personally would listen to that song, mindful of what it has meant in the past. I would focus on the song, remember its core goodness, and slowly unlearn the association it had.

There are many great songs that my ex and I loved, and I still enjoy them. It was hard to listen to them immediately after the break up, but I've consciously taught myself to enjoy the songs for what they were before my ex. The songs never changed, but now I can appreciate them without the association they had.

Does that help?

[Ta****]

7 minutes ago, Lexaas said:

I would offer the context of a song you enjoy. You listen to the song, perhaps with your significant other, so much that it becomes associated with your relationship. Then you break up. ... The song is still a good song, right? Do you decide to never listen to it again?

I personally would listen to that song, mindful of what it has meant in the past. I would focus on the song, remember its core goodness, and slowly unlearn the association it had.

There are many great songs that my ex and I loved, and I still enjoy them. It was hard to listen to them immediately after the break up, but I've consciously taught myself to enjoy the songs for what they were before my ex. The songs never changed, but now I can appreciate them without the association they had.

Does that help?

So we are in no contact he is a dismissive avoidant so i have had to deal with this without him. That said a song that makes me think of when it was good is a good idea but one im not willing to let him in for.
I dont hate him & there will always be a love for him but i cant & dont trust him any longer so its best to let him be & for me to continue moving forward as i am.

[Deleted Member]

Depends on the memories it invokes. Good keep.it till you have better ones. Bad. Trash or burn it.

[Se****]

I'm not a friend of keeping things I definitely never will use again, but I like your idea with the letters and the lockable box:) I once kept a little item of a woman I thought I had a special bond to after reality showed that I didn't. It was hanging from the ceiling of my camper van and after the breakup, I put it in a box and kept it in my can for Months. Then, one evening, besides a bonfire, I felt the time was right and donated the box to the flames.

So there is one thing I like about your "collection of once meaningful things" and that is: One time, when you're capable of leaving the past behind, you got quite a bunch of things to light on fire, you know?

[Ta****]

1 minute ago, SecretLord said:

I'm not a friend of keeping things I definitely never will use again, but I like your idea with the letters and the lockable box:) I once kept a little item of a woman I thought I had a special bond to after reality showed that I didn't. It was hanging from the ceiling of my camper van and after the breakup, I put it in a box and kept it in my can for Months. Then, one evening, besides a bonfire, I felt the time was right and donated the box to the flames.

So there is one thing I like about your "collection of once meaningful things" and that is: One time, when you're capable of leaving the past behind, you got quite a bunch of things to light on fire, you know?

If im honest im very sentimental but your idea is something to consider, thank you

[jo****]

I kept the key to one sub’s collar for more than a year. She had gotten married and cut ties (gently) and we were incommunicado for at least 18 months when she and I crossed paths at a business event in town. The next week we grabbed a coffee and I gave her the key

She cried, as did I. Tears of joy over the memory of the thing that we were a part of.

[Lenhard_Balaur]

As I am a craftsman and designer of leather goods for BDSM, whenever a D/s session ends, I give the collar back to the person. But you know, your question about what to do with the collar is extremely interesting? I know that about 2 collars ended up being returned and I disassembled them. I used the buckles and rings for other projects and I recycled the leather as well, giving it a new purpose. Perhaps that's a good solution. But the question is very good and I appreciate the topic.

[Ta****]

39 minutes ago, joesarciii said:

I kept the key to one sub’s collar for more than a year. She had gotten married and cut ties (gently) and we were incommunicado for at least 18 months when she and I crossed paths at a business event in town. The next week we grabbed a coffee and I gave her the key

She cried, as did I. Tears of joy over the memory of the thing that we were a part of.

Thats so beautiful

[Nightshade1975]

Sometimes dynamics end and not on good terms, sometimes we do things that are rash, we’re only human after all and have feelings.
Some like to recycle collars with putting it around another subs neck, personally I find that cheap and tacky I always see it as a dynamic is unique so the submissive will get a collar that doesn’t have memories to start new ones with something she will adore and rely upon.
I am a old school Dom and subs handed the collars back to the Dom’s (technically the Dom should have removed it not the submissive) after all as old school the collar does not belong to her is belongs to the one that placed it round his/her neck. However in your situation I would really consider locking it away but I wouldn’t throw the key, one day you will be happier and in a much better place and will want to remember your past and the path you took to get to where you are. Also a letter isn’t the best option, memories will start flowing g and tears will start why give the satisfaction of that and show he still has some control and feelings in you.

[Pr****]

It's entirely subjective to the individual to deal with however they see fit. Anything used with a previous sub is discarded. I will never reuse anything for the next. That's bad taste and disrespectful. Fortunately, they earn investments over time. Duality of that makes each piece sentimental in some way. I'll keep an item from it, probably the most inconspicuous relative thing and I either remember my growth from it or the lesson learned. It isn't necessarily about that individual. We all deal with things differently. But I also wouldn't rush collaring anyone and haven't. That's the equivalent of saying I want this dynamic in my life as consistently as a marriage.

[Ta****]

5 minutes ago, Nightshade1975 said:

Sometimes dynamics end and not on good terms, sometimes we do things that are rash, we’re only human after all and have feelings.
Some like to recycle collars with putting it around another subs neck, personally I find that cheap and tacky I always see it as a dynamic is unique so the submissive will get a collar that doesn’t have memories to start new ones with something she will adore and rely upon.
I am a old school Dom and subs handed the collars back to the Dom’s (technically the Dom should have removed it not the submissive) after all as old school the collar does not belong to her is belongs to the one that placed it round his/her neck. However in your situation I would really consider locking it away but I wouldn’t throw the key, one day you will be happier and in a much better place and will want to remember your past and the path you took to get to where you are. Also a letter isn’t the best option, memories will start flowing g and tears will start why give the satisfaction of that and show he still has some control and feelings in you.

I agree bt i cant & wont initiate or give any excuse for communication not after the lies, deceipt & betrayal. I just want final closure is all & in an ideal world i wouldnt be doing this alone but it is what it is.

[Nightshade1975]

2 minutes ago, Tasty_Confession11 said:

I agree bt i cant & wont initiate or give any excuse for communication not after the lies, deceipt & betrayal. I just want final closure is all & in an ideal world i wouldnt be doing this alone but it is what it is.

That I can understand, sometimes the cuts are to deep

[Ta****]

9 minutes ago, Nightshade1975 said:

Sometimes dynamics end and not on good terms, sometimes we do things that are rash, we’re only human after all and have feelings.
Some like to recycle collars with putting it around another subs neck, personally I find that cheap and tacky I always see it as a dynamic is unique so the submissive will get a collar that doesn’t have memories to start new ones with something she will adore and rely upon.
I am a old school Dom and subs handed the collars back to the Dom’s (technically the Dom should have removed it not the submissive) after all as old school the collar does not belong to her is belongs to the one that placed it round his/her neck. However in your situation I would really consider locking it away but I wouldn’t throw the key, one day you will be happier and in a much better place and will want to remember your past and the path you took to get to where you are. Also a letter isn’t the best option, memories will start flowing g and tears will start why give the satisfaction of that and show he still has some control and feelings in you.

Oh & just to add absolutely no way would i accept a previous subs collar in my humble opinion thats showing the sub she is recycleable just like the collar, others may see it differently but thats how i would see it.

[Nightshade1975]

3 minutes ago, Tasty_Confession11 said:

Oh & just to add absolutely no way would i accept a previous subs collar in my humble opinion thats showing the sub she is recycleable just like the collar, others may see it differently but thats how i would see it.

I agree there I personally don’t recycle collars but know a few that do, to me recycling collars that the Dom has no respect for the sub, shows they have put no thought into the submissive feelings at all

[he****]

So sorry you are experiencing this.

You deserve better.

Some time back, I gave a collar like item back immediately upon the dynamic ending (after being monkey branched). I did regret it, as I considered it part of my identity, not just dynamic identity.

Now I have different key accessories and accoutrements that help me get into my head space.

Please forgive yourself if not already. You will acquire peace in time. You will love yourself again.

I am sure you are stronger than you know.

Good luck

[Ma****]

My understanding and belief is the collar is the Dom's and the sub/slave wears it as a sign of ownership.

Once the relationship is dissolved the sub/slave is to return it. This shows that they are no longer owned,!!!

[TG****]

Its hard to know the history behind your dhnamic. If I was in the Doms shoes I'd want my sub to either return it or burned it.

[TG****]

Given that you were wronged, Insay burn it.

[Ta****]

20 minutes ago, MasterB0659 said:

My understanding and belief is the collar is the Dom's and the sub/slave wears it as a sign of ownership.

Once the relationship is dissolved the sub/slave is to return it. This shows that they are no longer owned,!!!

As explained we are no contact for good reason & i refuse to give him any chance to try & weasel his way through with more lies

[Ta****]

3 minutes ago, TGDW said:

Its hard to know the history behind your dhnamic. If I was in the Doms shoes I'd want my sub to either return it or burned it.

We are no contact & i refuse to give him the chance to spill yet more lies to me

[TG****]

I understand. This is why I recommended burning it

D/s ontracts don't mean anything more than someones word.

[Ta****]

Just now, TGDW said:

I understand. This is why I recommended burning it

D/s ontracts don't mean anything more than someones word.

Its silver

[Sp****]

Throw It away, throw away the wedding dress ... De-clutter your whole environment and move on . 😋👌

[su****]

I'm in the same boat! I have his bracelet (the key) and my collar still in a drawer. I've been wanting to do something similar, but it also was expensive af. I just don't think anyone would want to buy a custom, previously worn collar ya know? Thinking of doing a little goodbye/karmic ceremony and burying them with the ashes of the other items.