How do you handle an overthinker?

[Th****]

I'd personally constantly reassure them and make decisions or provide options to choose from.
Most of the time especially if you know the person you can find work arounds and ways to make em not as self doubting. But that takes time, patience and a good chemistry

I try to create a bond that is stronger than self doubt.

[sp****]

how about the ideia of having g a substitute dom for these unique moments? this sub dom can be hired by the community and work with multiple subs at a time. It wouldn’t be fair if a lot of us join it. what do you think? is sub-dom a new trend?

[Ha****]

Just before and after-care. General reassurance and well established boundaries before anything. In the heat of the moment it can be hard to tell especially if u get lost so safe words aswell

[De****]

1 hour ago, mastertaurus88 said:

What you’re describing isn’t overthinking, it is dependence and anxiety. As a dom, I love dependence, but anxiety is no good for anyone. If I were your dom you would hear from me regularly, and I would also let you know in advance large windows of time I am working and you won’t hear from me. I also like to make those times fun. Send me pics and videos during that time, try to make me regret not checking my phone at work.
Don’t let this put you in a doubting place. Chances are it’s just life getting in the way of your Dom, but also your Dom can do better. That’s a then problem, not yours

This is exactly what I need

[De****]

1 hour ago, CaseyCarisi said:

For context I'm a situational sub which means I'm very dominant in my day to day life that being said.

I’m also an overthinker, and I know that sometimes it makes things harder than they need to be.
When communication drops for long periods like 8+ hours or even days I can start spiraling into self-doubt. It’s not about wanting constant attention; it’s about needing a basic level of reassurance so I don’t lose the connection that we’ve built.

When I give someone any kind of control or dominance, it creates a sense of emotional vulnerability. That can make me feel a bit clingy or dependent, even if I don’t want to be. If we don’t know each other well yet, the ambiguity can make my mind run wild.

I’m not asking for nonstop messages I just need some consistency or a heads-up if you’re going to be unavailable. That kind of structure helps me stay grounded and keeps the connection strong instead of letting my overthinking wreck it.

If the communication stays inconsistent for too long and I keep feeling unheard, I eventually reach a point where I have to pull back for my own peace of mind. I don’t want to do that, but sometimes it’s necessary.

Yes! Perfectly articulated

[ph****]

I have trauma around this, so even though I know life happens, it’s hard for me to turn off my initial reaction of feeling unsafe and alone. I would love to know how other subs handle this.

[Ki****]

Constant reassurance, and communication. Let her speak her mind, listen carefully to what she is actually overthinking before responding.

[Te****]

Tons of reassurance followed by action. After that it’s cuddles and forehead kisses with words of affirmation

[Ba****]

Not to repeat what basically everyone else said but, expectations, boundaries, COMMUNICATION
But if you keep struggling with feeling abandoned some sort of mark may be a thing to consider, you don’t need to go all out and get a branding, tattoo or a big obvious collar, a small ankle chain with a weak lock or a ribbon to tie on you can basically have the same effect

[PL****]

3 hours ago, Take_A_Seat said:

Establish expectations around communication. I never go dark part way through a conversation and always pause things with a message that for X time I'll be busy.

Having a joint calendar really helps then you can see when they might be quiet. I share my work schedule as well so there are known times I might be quiet.

I also have what I call a "safe emoji." Each person has an emoji they can send when they are busy or unable to communicate. I use ones we would never use in another context so it has that sole meaning to us both. Its a way of saying "I see/hear you but I'm unable to communicate right now, but I will when I can."

At a deeper level, when things are more established, having deeper conversations about things that cause the self-doubt and what can be done to mitigate it.

This to me is an amazing way to fill that gap in communication. I myself am a submissive and feel a need to communicate throughout the day with my dom(s)/potential dom(s). This to me is a brilliant way for them to literally just say. Im thinking of you but haven't forgotten you. Obviously, this is no way to communicate all the time and that should be factored in based on both partners needs. However, have to say once again, it is brilliant and ty for sharing!

[Etiam_mi_rex]

Usually, talking with your sub to find the source of the anxiety how to localize the problem. There are various solutions after this as to what the desired outcome is. Is there retaining required so they can go longer without spiraling, or does the dom need to make more effort to be in contact. It depends on the desired result of the dynamic.

[Ch****]

Not an easy question. Overthinking comes often from past dynamics, maybe trauma (eg alcoholic parent) in which the overthinker overthinks in order to gain some sense of predictability and control. But the question here is whether the overthinker (or partner of overthinker) wants a short term band-aid to cope, or a longer term fix, dealing with feelings of abandonment and the like so they can be more comfortable in a moment. A partner can comfort an overthinker with predictability and hugs, but what happens when that's gone for hours or days? The overthinker can benefit from being more comfortable in their own skin, and that usually is best addressed with therapy (like DBT). Your questions at the end are valid, but I'd imagine you'd benefit more from lessening the self doubt at it's root, not just the way others cope. I'd imagine a lot might even say "I am being heard, but I overthink anyway".

[ca****]

With empathy, meeting them half way but also having boundaries. You can’t be responsible for their trauma…hopefully they are also seeking help (therapy etc)

[de****]

Honesty

[Am****]

Common sense is big. I’m a dominant male but I get busy. I don’t ghost people if it’s been 24 hours and you haven’t heard from me I’m most likely tired and just need me time. You done nothing wrong and we will talk soon. I know it’s super easy to get inside your head as at times I do it as well. I get frustrated when all In my head. Also most dominant man like to communicate as it makes for us

[Daddybrains]

Not only subs do this - engineers do it too. Our job is to say, confidently, “do this and you will not fail.” Ninety percent of the things we plan for, never happen. Trouble is, we don’t know which ninety percent. Overthinking, sometimes, is about trying to avoid bad outcomes. You can prioritize these: after all, there are bad outcomes that do permanent harm, bad outcomes that break your heart, and bad outcomes that are easily reversed or overcome. But all of this is general advice for something very personal. The actual people involved need to talk and plan and figure out what works for them. Trivially, when you’re busy with something else, you’re less likely to spiral. Trivially, eight hours is not very long - but what would it take for you to be okay for twelve hours? Baby steps, realistic expectations, dedication to continuous progress.

[Da****]

Just communicate. That’s all. Tell them where you’re at. If your wants don’t align it might be time to reconsider

[zu****]

I set up check ins. If you have a sub then it’s your responsibility to care for them. Checking in with them to see how they are is a regular thing. It could also be considered rewarding. Not checking in is punishment.

[Ch****]

Cuddles 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[wb****]

10 hours ago, r0b91 said:

That sounds like an anxious attachment style not over thinking its the only way out of it is to learn a secure attachment style

Anxious attachment and overthinking can look similar but there not. Anxious attachment is *** of being rejected & a high need for reassurance. As in clinginess and wanting constant validation. Overthinking is analyzing each possibility. Overthinking can let to anxious attachment but they are not interchangeable.

[wb****]

10 hours ago, Take_A_Seat said:

Establish expectations around communication. I never go dark part way through a conversation and always pause things with a message that for X time I'll be busy.

Having a joint calendar really helps then you can see when they might be quiet. I share my work schedule as well so there are known times I might be quiet.

I also have what I call a "safe emoji." Each person has an emoji they can send when they are busy or unable to communicate. I use ones we would never use in another context so it has that sole meaning to us both. Its a way of saying "I see/hear you but I'm unable to communicate right now, but I will when I can."

At a deeper level, when things are more established, having deeper conversations about things that cause the self-doubt and what can be done to mitigate it.

I do like the “I see you” emoji idea.

[wb****]

10 hours ago, HuPigSquishy said:

Anyone who is able to express that part of themselves is self-aware enough to know their needs and their own mental health. Personally, I see that as a positive because you cannot change what you do not know, and it shows that they have taken a lot of time to get to know themselves.
As far as I would handle it, communication and understanding is absolutely the key. The greatest weapon in battle is *** of the unknown. When you can conquer the *** because you know what is real, and the person demonstrates understanding it helps promote a deep level of connection. Validating how they feel goes a huge way and overcoming their ***.
To put in a different context to try and make this make sense. Something‘s wrong with your car, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how much it’s gonna cost, which car is undrivable let that *** setting in.
It’s a flat tire it’s gonna cost $20 suddenly it’s not a big *** because you know what it is and you understand the problem all because somebody took the time to tell you what you did not know; even if it’s a $2000 fix you can still face the problem a lot easier when you know what you’re up against. But you’re known makes it so much worse because it becomes your worst ***.
Communication goes so far.. understanding is really where it’s at because it validates being heard and knowing that your thoughts and feelings is matter. No different than a mechanic, describing the internal workings of an engine to you and telling you what’s wrong… if you don’t understand.. it doesn’t help you.. tell you that it’s a $2000 fix.. and suddenly the language makes sense because you understand it

Thank you for understanding the self-awareness needed to recognize this in oneself.

[wb****]

10 hours ago, mastertaurus88 said:

What you’re describing isn’t overthinking, it is dependence and anxiety. As a dom, I love dependence, but anxiety is no good for anyone. If I were your dom you would hear from me regularly, and I would also let you know in advance large windows of time I am working and you won’t hear from me. I also like to make those times fun. Send me pics and videos during that time, try to make me regret not checking my phone at work.
Don’t let this put you in a doubting place. Chances are it’s just life getting in the way of your Dom, but also your Dom can do better. That’s a then problem, not yours

I understand why you would think it’s anxiety with the statement “self doubting place”, it should have said “analyzing place / rabbit hole”. Pictures and “spicy text” were sent. They would remain unopened/unread. Thank you for your input.

[wb****]

7 hours ago, ChromeStarz said:

Not an easy question. Overthinking comes often from past dynamics, maybe trauma (eg alcoholic parent) in which the overthinker overthinks in order to gain some sense of predictability and control. But the question here is whether the overthinker (or partner of overthinker) wants a short term band-aid to cope, or a longer term fix, dealing with feelings of abandonment and the like so they can be more comfortable in a moment. A partner can comfort an overthinker with predictability and hugs, but what happens when that's gone for hours or days? The overthinker can benefit from being more comfortable in their own skin, and that usually is best addressed with therapy (like DBT). Your questions at the end are valid, but I'd imagine you'd benefit more from lessening the self doubt at it's root, not just the way others cope. I'd imagine a lot might even say "I am being heard, but I overthink anyway".

In this instance a short term fix is what is being asked for. With the person knowing they are an overthinker assume they are or have been in therapy to address the main issue.

[Ca****]

Make sure the connection is the same as it was during the pursuit. We set a standard and have to maintain it. Communication is key and some days are busier than others