Demisexual encounters

[An****]

So I'm new to this and as a Demisexual I find it hard to go straight to the fun, I want yalls opinion on how yall move forward, my mind can only think a casual coffee meet up and texting. But I'd love to hear what others think?

[JackJonesHull]

As a confirmed sapiosexual I'm absolutely agreed with regards to not going straight to the fun. It's actually imperative that I don't or I am doomed to failure.

So a whole bag of social interactions appeal to me, genuinely it can be anything at all including, as you mention, coffee meets and texting. To me communication is key. Just hanging out for a bit is required.

At the moment I'm obsessed with the idea of, alarmingly and understandably, renfaires (despite being on the wrong continent).

[Deleted Member]

Hmm I don't go right to sexual activity in kink. Can't happen for me as a Noetisexual - my mind MUST be engaged + engaged in the proper manner and measure before I even desire anything physical.
I don't know how people go from first contact and inclination to kinky sexy fun time, that sort of thing eludes me.
If I get down with folks without that very important piece in place, I feel terrible, used, gross, and there's a subsequent storm of emotionality and mental anguish that's unleashed for me.
Not. Worth. It. For. Me.

So, what things might work for YOU? Surely, conveying to potentials these needs is a great place to start. Beyond this, I haven't a clue yet what the respective steps might be.

[li****]

If you're demisexual, then why are you trying to act contrary to what you are?
Nobody should be engaging casually in BDSM acts. Why would you let yourself be tied up, spanked, etc. by a stranger? Unless it is in a controlled environment where other people are watching.

[De****]

Vetting someone takes awhile. Trust is a big thing in the kink world. I usually have to ccap them, and meet them in public. If they can't keep up with my bubbly and whimsical conversation; it usually turns one sided and I'm bored 🥱. Thus there's no connection.

We need a connection before having a sexual attraction. We can think someone is attractive and that doesn't necessarily mean we want to have a scene with them.

[jo****]

It’s honestly annoying that people claim to be demisexual. Anybody can talk up a good game and say the right things and get you all mentally engaged. how many people on this app let alone the world thought the person they were with really connected with them and that same person ended up doing them dirty. Also, most men aren’t going to be spending hundreds of dollars if not $1000 on so many dates just to not even get like a kiss on the cheek. Meanwhile, all of their friends are getting laid after a couple of dates. Yes, it sucks it’s not 1910 anymore it’s not 1940 were people used to actually get to know each other and even got married before even having sex. so unless you have a time machine I don’t think most people are going to spend a whole month and a lot of *** just to get maybe nothing in return?

[jo****]

I’m actually curious to ask somebody who is demisexual how many potential good relationship you’re probably missed out on because somebody Has to have the brain of Einstein to keep you interested? and I know what you’re gonna say “somebody shouldn’t have to have sex with you to like them” I totally agree with that but it’s time to wake up and realize the world you’re in if you want some old school stuff you need to take a trip to Asian countries or Middle Eastern countries where they shame people for sleeping around. but if you live in the west on a bounce of probabilities, most people you’re going to meet are not going to spend a lot of their time and a lot of *** Just to get to know you to be told “hey we don’t connect”

[De****]

47 minutes ago, johnnybravo128 said:

I’m actually curious to ask somebody who is demisexual how many potential good relationship you’re probably missed out on because somebody Has to have the brain of Einstein to keep you interested? and I know what you’re gonna say “somebody shouldn’t have to have sex with you to like them” I totally agree with that but it’s time to wake up and realize the world you’re in if you want some old school stuff you need to take a trip to Asian countries or Middle Eastern countries where they shame people for sleeping around. but if you live in the west on a bounce of probabilities, most people you’re going to meet are not going to spend a lot of their time and a lot of *** Just to get to know you to be told “hey we don’t connect”

You're asinine to think that we believe that we need to be with someone who has a 🧠 brain of Einstein. On second thought I'm not going to engage with you.... Have a good day ☺️

[th****]

This comment section is not the vibe lol. As a fellow demi, I say unto your radical ass; try not to get discouraged! It is very draining, talking to so many people that want to get straight to the boning without even trying to get to know you. It makes you feel like less of a person, and more the object of someone's pleasure. When the right person comes, you'll know, and it will be SO worth putting up with all the slimey bs. Sex takes trust and comfort, and that takes effort and energy and time, getting to know someone, and those that are willing to learn your soul are the ones to keep around. Not the losers who ever try to shame you or advance on you. Drop the ones who won't even give you the minimum effort of getting to know you, and be loud in your profile about what you want in a dynamic before achieving physical intimacy!

[ey****]

1 hour ago, johnnybravo128 said:

I’m actually curious to ask somebody who is demisexual how many potential good relationship you’re probably missed out on because somebody Has to have the brain of Einstein to keep you interested?

Demisexual has nothing really to do with someone's intelligence.  At it's simplest someone who is Demi is *only* sexually interested in someone after forming a 'connection' or mutual interest.  So a one night stand or hook up simply wouldn't work for them because they wouldn't be sexually interested. As such, they're not really missing out.

"Connection" in itself can mean different things to different people - I guess for example, I had a girlfriend some years back and we'd already kinda known each other for a while before hand, we'd regularly attend the same club nights - and basically we'd just been chatting more regularly than normal and it just did become a case of... ok, want to go on a date.  And she was someone I don't think either of us had particularly found the other immediately attractive, but just through spending time together we wanted to do it more and it led to a sexual relationship.  And it can just be generally finding the other person funny, interesting, good to be around, shared interests (be it music in our case... TV, sport, etc etc) and that might be a likely route someone fully Demi could take.

Like, from a dating perspective it isn't wildly different from the whole "few dates and see how it goes" so I guess some then depends what the original interest in the person stemmed from in the first place.

[Co****]

I think it depends on if for example what you crave or etc overtakes your nature. There are some things I wouldn't be down for regardless unless I know a person enough to have formed a connection to them, but other things I need less of a connection for me to consider.

I could never see myself as a sex on first meet type of person but maybe we could do some things that are adjacent to it. I think it's just more important to find ppl who respect where you're at.

[Deleted Member]

You’re not doing this “wrong” — you’re just wired for connection before chemistry, and that’s actually a strength in kink spaces when it’s owned rather than apologised for.

 

For a lot of demisexual people, casual coffee and texting isn’t a fallback plan — it is the correct first step. Trust, safety, and emotional attunement are what unlock desire for you, so trying to jump straight to “the fun” often just creates pressure or shuts things down.

 

What tends to work well:

 

• Low-stakes, neutral meetups

Coffee, a walk, or a quiet drink gives you space to assess energy, communication style, and emotional safety without sexual expectations.

 

• Intentional texting rather than constant flirting

Conversation that explores values, boundaries, curiosity, humour, and pace is often far more arousing long-term than immediate sexual talk.

 

• Naming your pace early

You don’t need to justify it — just say something like:

“I’m demisexual, so attraction builds for me through connection. I like to take things steadily.”

The right people will see that as clarity, not limitation.

 

• Letting intimacy unfold gradually

Emotional closeness → intellectual connection → subtle flirtation → physical intimacy. That progression isn’t slow — it’s aligned.

 

Also worth remembering:

Plenty of people in kink and D/s spaces prefer depth, trust, and rapport before play. You’re likely filtering out incompatible people early, which saves energy and disappointment.

 

If coffee and conversation feel natural to you, trust that instinct. Chemistry that’s rushed tends to burn out quickly; chemistry that’s built tends to last.

 

You’re allowed to want more than instant gratification — and you’re not alone in that.

[Deleted Member]

As a demisexual person, its not you doing anything wrong, we aren't wired for one night stands, we find attraction threw connection and stuff, just have to find people looking for what you are, keep searching and just do what your comfortable with

[Ka****]

I am demisexual also. I have trouble making most folks here understand that I dont play casual. I don’t cheat on my Master because of more than loyalty reasons. I’m literally not sexually attracted to anyone but Him because of my Love for him.

[el****]

I’m Demi also and find it really difficult to find people here willing to take it at my pace. Don’t lose hope. They’re out there

[Je****]

You might be surprised by how many people aren’t in it for one night stands. Your point aligurl80 is something that more than one of us feel regarding our current partners.

[Deleted Member]

I know what you mean, being demi and mostly getting DM's asking about your kinks, wanting to sext right away, wanting nudes or just wanting to hook up is tiring. But you shouldn't be doing anything that doesn't feel right to you. I've gotten so many messages asking what I'm even doing on here since I'm not up for any of those things. I chose to be celibate for many years because I did a lot of things that didn't feel right because I thought that's what's expected of me and I just couldn't do it anymore. 

Wanting a connection before being intimate with someone isn't something to feel bad about, it's actually a good thing in the kink/bdsm scene. You shouldn't give anyone that kind of control over your mind and body if you haven't connected with them and trust them first. Anyone who doesn't respect that and wants you to throw yourself into any kind of dynamic without feeling safe with them first, they're not worth your time and effort anyways.

[Deleted Member]

On 2025-12-26 at 12:19, johnnybravo128 said:

I’m actually curious to ask somebody who is demisexual how many potential good relationship you’re probably missed out on because somebody Has to have the brain of Einstein to keep you interested? and I know what you’re gonna say “somebody shouldn’t have to have sex with you to like them” I totally agree with that but it’s time to wake up and realize the world you’re in if you want some old school stuff you need to take a trip to Asian countries or Middle Eastern countries where they shame people for sleeping around. but if you live in the west on a bounce of probabilities, most people you’re going to meet are not going to spend a lot of their time and a lot of *** Just to get to know you to be told “hey we don’t connect”

It's not about Einstein levels of intelligence or going on expensive dates. It's that we don't (or extremely rarely) experience primary sexual attraction, we experience secondary sexual attraction after we create a strong emotional connection with someone. And I haven't met anyone who's demi who's leading people on or going on dates without first telling the person that they're demi. I'm sure there are those who does, but most of us doesn't. And you're also obviously focusing on the American dating culture, and there's lots of us from other countries on here and we don't have the typical dating culture where you expect to go for dinner and for the man to pay.

Also, being on a kink site and expecting anyone to take part in your kinks and and acting out fantasies without wanting to connect with them first is absolutely crazy to me!