Rejection…

[fi****]

23 minutes ago, Orallyfx8ed said:

If not getting a response to a message is rejection than it almost always happens to me. But I just don't say anything, it is what it is.

Me too! When does that become the recipients fault? There could be many reasons for not replying, ranging from not seeing it to not wanting to. If there's no response to a message, it's done. Sending more is completely counterproductive anyway 🤦

[Ch****]

Totally agree! Act professional and respectfully. No need for name calling or any negative remarks or replies if you don’t get what you want. It’s not always about physical looks….. remember a beautiful mind that you can adore means everything. Everything else is a bonus. Once that connection is established both mentally and physically…..words like desire and I adore you got so much more meaning.

[bd****]

If you can’t deal with rejection you’re prolly too young For this app anyways. Either physically or mentally!

[AKA_Copper]

1 hour ago, Gentlemandom47 said:

I agree with the core of this, and I think it’s worth naming what’s actually happening underneath the behaviour you’re describing.

 

Both the begging phase and the tantrum phase come from the same place: entitlement mixed with fragile ego. One is an attempt to extract consent through pressure, the other is an attempt to regain control by devaluing the person who said no.  Neither is about connection, and neither belongs anywhere near kink.

 

In any healthy dynamic - vanilla or BDSM - rejection isn’t a failure, it’s information. It simply tells you there isn’t alignment. That’s not something to negotiate, punish, or argue with.

 

What worries me most is when people frame persistence as “confidence” or “dominance.” It isn’t. Dominance without emotional regulation is just insecurity with volume. And submission that can’t tolerate a no isn’t submission at all - it’s validation seeking.

 

Silence is also a boundary. Not a puzzle. Not a challenge. Not an invitation to escalate.

If someone can’t handle:

- not being chosen,

- not being replied to immediately,

- or not being wanted at all,

then they’re not ready for intimacy,

let alone a power exchange that requires trust,

restraint, and self awareness.

 

Dignity matters. How you respond to rejection says far more about you than how you

perform when things go your way.

Respect isn’t optional. It’s the baseline.

Or, someone may have RSD or an unregulated CNS.
I'm not saying it's an appropriate response, what i'm saying is, everything is contextual and it's not for us to make judgement unless it involves us.

[fi****]

17 minutes ago, AKA_Copper said:

Or, someone may have RSD or an unregulated CNS.
I'm not saying it's an appropriate response, what i'm saying is, everything is contextual and it's not for us to make judgement unless it involves us.

I find it very hard (RSD is fun 😂) but that's my issue, not whoever i messaged. If I ask i have to accept that there might not be a response. Don't get me wrong, RSD sucks so much, the anger and even rage can be real, but it's not right or true to pass the buck as it were. And certainly not blame.

[Cass]

4 hours ago, FETMod-RG said:

Mod note: we don't normally allow topics that don't involve discussion but this is a lesson that needs to be drilled home.  Because of the begging and tantrum phases, it's often why people don't reply at all and ghost or 'ignore'.

 

To the OP: I moved it into the Kink Academy as it will be seen by the most people there.

Perfect 

[vi****]

It's time for you to start dealing with a grown man

[Ro****]

Say it louder for the people in the back

[SI****]

If they don’t respond that means there not interested or just not active at the moment send one message and wait simple as that if a few days go by don’t message again just mark it as a loss and move on plenty other fish in the sea

[ea****]

You can’t take rejection personally - folks are just not polite these days . If it’s done respectfully one shouldn’t feel bad .

[wo****]

I agree with you that rejection is normal and that it happens to everyone. I also agree with your advice as to how to handle it.
When you say you see the pattern over and over, do you mean that based on what you hear from others that’s what’s happening? (Because if your inbox is flooded like that I want to know your secret). Being treated very poorly by others, especially without any justification, is hurtful and shows a complete lack of consideration for others. I’ve been on the receiving end of childish lashing out and it never feels good. Hostility, accusations and name calling, guilt tripping, etc for doing nothing wrong is unfair, hurtful, and downright mean and cruel in many cases also.
Lots of adults take things personally when they shouldn’t, and respond like ill mannered *** who found the key to their parents liquor cabinet. It happens a lot, I even see it in public when lots of people are right there to witness it. If people were more mindful of how their behavior looks from the outside, from the perspective of other people, it might motivate them to consider changing.
The way I look at it, even if you are actually treated very unfairly or even cruelly you shouldn’t lash out with name calling or childish behavior. Doing it in response to rejection is crazy. In response to rejection from a stranger? Maybe they are royalty visiting from somewhere and telling them no is forbidden…

[pu****]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💜💜💜

[Co****]

I think its helpful to actually put a rejection as well. This is a all where we have no tip off if messages have been seen or not. Cant tell if they were just not seen, not the most recent, etc etc. Like they say sometimes purgatory/limbo is more stressful than hell 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Ne****]

Being unABLE and ill-equipped [to handle 'No'] is a rampant issue amongst the male masses. It hasn't been taught, or demonstrated in this world for boys and men.
Take accountability for one's own behaviour and thinking behind such behaviour, but not having healthy examples of HOW to do this and how to process properly and therefore react within reason are deeper issues than simply being a bit immature in a given moment.
Once past that fact, it's absolutely on Human Adults to seek to interact Respectfully with and toward other humans. That part is and *should* be simple - simple in concept, simple to enact, but not familiar to / not being practised by so many.

Absolutely Not defending poor behaviour or willful ignorance. Or ab*sive bs. However, I don't expect two year olds to understand, process, react maturely etc. to adult concepts and situations. They aren't YET capable and lack the life experience.... Thing is, too though, adults aren't two year olds and *can* Work On Themselves and Seek to do so, buut they Do have to want that AND be aware enough to even do so; and if they don't think the problems lie with them, well then...

**No offense to any 2 year olds.

[mr****]

I can only imagine how tired women are if this so I even have it in my profile no men ever and I still get msgs so I politely decline that’s usually it but recently this one wouldn’t stop like 10 msgs a day and I never bothered to block him so I told him again no man will ever go down on me and I sent me all kinds of rude messages lol and I’m just like what the hell are your feelings hurt for I’m not gay!! But I was talking to a friend about it and apparently gay or bisexual men actually think all men are Atleast bi curious and that’s just not true

[YN****]

That’s all very true. With that said sometimes the”no” is filled with comments that aren’t warranted either. A simple no and good luck with your search could be the way to go

[mi****]

A rejection I can handle. It is frustrating though when a well-worded, thought-filled initial message simply gets no reply. I understand women, particularly, have a tsunami of approaches to wade through, and I'm sure 99% of them lack any effort, but a simple "thanks but no thanks" would suffice. Am I asking too much?

[In****]

Crumbs! Extremely well said. Rejection is part of life. Some people take it like an attack, and have to attack you back. It's as easy as move on, and don't act like a spoiled brat.

[me****]

Thank you for speaking on this, it’s unfortunately very true. As a dom-lean femme presenting person seeking another dom for me and my gf, we get a lot of weird messages that turn out rude and unsavoury the moment we express just stepping away. I myself have faced fat phobia and just outright horrid attacks on my gender and my dom status (which are not changing for anyone btw🙄).

Unfortunately, the block button can not always work as those that truly want to be a d**k will make alternate accounts… but regardless, it it wonderful to see support. This app is full FULL of fake doms and it’s great to see some people still have the energy to drag them through the mud. The amount of ‘strictly dom’ people who beg and grovel and get rude after a polite rejection is crazy. Rejection is normal! Not everyone is compatible, but one thing I am grateful for here- is when sketchy vibes they give off mere messages in is a good indicator this person is probably not a match.

[pu****]

5 hours ago, GoodGirl427 said:

I use the pass feature so they can't message me again. The majority of the time I reject is because they're too far away or too young/old for me, but on occasion they're just not my type. I've been told not responding is not how a submissive behaves 🤣🤣 So the passing feature helps me avoid jerks who don't get how consent works.

Before I was aware of this feature, I was politely rejecting every time I felt it was a “no” but, of course, so many of them kept pushing or reacted poorly. Thankfully I discovered the “this kinkster has passed” button and now I use it liberally! It saves me so much time and energy and lets them know they’re not in limbo and they can move on. I love it!

[Go****]

15 minutes ago, purplegemini said:

Before I was aware of this feature, I was politely rejecting every time I felt it was a “no” but, of course, so many of them kept pushing or reacted poorly. Thankfully I discovered the “this kinkster has passed” button and now I use it liberally! It saves me so much time and energy and lets them know they’re not in limbo and they can move on. I love it!

I do too. It's also less pressure on me to actually write out a rejection. I get a lot of messages sometimes. I used to just ignore them but then I'd get people be mad about me not responding. At least with this feature they know I've passed and also can't try to respond and push about it.

[Ch****]

Excellent post. I had several rejections on here, but it was fine, nothing personal. I was patient and then suddenly I received a message. This lead me to my Sub and she’s been wonderful. Patience and maturity win the day.👍🏼👍🏼

[aa****]

Absolutely right. Rejection is normal.

[Ca****]

I feel like the site doesn't help with these matters, by publicly displaying (let's call it what it is: shaming) a person's response rate to messages, and at the same time rewards points for replies. In my vanilla and kink life, I truly have nothing to respond to someone that just sends "hey" and expects me to do the heavy lifting. Even on a phone call where the dialogue is real time, one would say more than just that, let alone in texts/DMs that by definition are non urgent and not a real time dialogue. There's always more to say than just that, and a real conversation starter will include something that shows why you wanted to initiate a conversation with this person, perhaps a reference to their profile or kinks, literally anything that'll show me that it's not a low effort "swiping right on everyone to see what sticks", because that's usually the case with low effort intros. Yet getting inundated with those kind of messages lowers my response rate if I don't reply and auto-pass, and sharing my honest thoughts about how I'm not interested in zero effort conversation that are clearly not even tailored specifically for me, gets me even more messages of hate, insults, rage and other obscenities. So yes, I can absolutely hit ignore/pass, and forever be shamed for my response rate, because those kind of messages outnumber the amount of people that I do converse with, and quite at length, for that matter. Don't even get me started on the rage grammar in which I receive about 15 separate messages in a row within the one minute I was checking another notification, each one just being another insult or plea (or both!) just from my one thought and gentle rejection. And now these ***rs received their free points to insult me, and I get shamed for writing out a singular thoughtful reply or rejection (which I truly believe is kinder than straight up ghosting or passing and %1,000 my prerogative). I don't expect a trophy for showing up, but it's insane to me that this immature and rude behavior gets rewarded more than being a decent human with decent grammar and intent for a real conversation.

[mo****]

A person as good as some of those people are claiming to be, wouldn't rely/attach so heavily to the attention of another person that they 1)barely know anything about & 2) haven't even met yet.