Is it wrong to ask for more than rough sex?

[Ba****]

I’ve been in the kinky circle since I was in my ***s and I’m genuinely looking for a long term kink partner. Which, while getting harder to find someone genuine. It’s even harder to find someone seriously into those kinks and willing to go through with them.
Most everyone I’ve come by is basically just looking for one or two nights of rough sex.
It feels like a double edge sword. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy rough sex myself but, all I have is rough sex. I want more. I want to actually go through an actual experience. Something I’ll remember and not just “that was good sex”.
I do know setting up and prep takes time. Also hosting and frequent visiting with privacy is hard to come by in this economy. But that’s what I want. Someone willing to take the time to actually carry it out and take the time for us to get comfortable with one another’s bodies and comforts.
I always find it hard to approach as most “dominates” want you to be undeniably obedient to them when you’ve just met them. I find it lazy. Earn my obedience. I do the same with my submissives. I find it more pleasing watching them fall under my control without demanding it. I think I’m worthy of that experience as well.
To make a long story short. Am I wrong to think rough sex is just vanilla and bare? Am I looking in the wrong place or under the wrong name? And how do I approach that conversation without feeling overbearing? I don’t know.

[FETMOD-TF]

This topic has been approved for genuine advice purposes, please refrain from propositions as they are not permitted in the forum and will be removed. 

[Si****]

You’re not wrong, and you’re not asking for too much.

What you’re describing isn’t really about “rough sex” at all. It’s about depth, intentionality, and mutual investment. Rough sex is easy to offer. Presence, pacing, trust-building, and a shared arc take time and effort, and not everyone is willing or able to offer that.

I think a lot of frustration comes from language. Many people use “kink” or “D/s” to describe intensity, when what they actually want is immediacy and novelty. You’re describing something slower and more relational, where power and connection develop rather than being demanded upfront.

You’re also right to be wary of dynamics that expect obedience before trust exists. For many people, submission or surrender isn’t something that can be commanded on day one. It’s earned through consistency, attunement, and respect for boundaries. Wanting that doesn’t make you difficult, it makes you discerning.

As for approaching the conversation, I’ve found it helps to name what you are looking for rather than what you’re rejecting. Framing it as “I’m interested in intentional, built-over-time dynamics and experiences that mean something to me” tends to filter out people who only want quick intensity.

It may narrow the pool, but it also raises the quality. And no, wanting more than “a night or two of rough sex” doesn’t make you unrealistic. It just means you’re not interested in settling for something that doesn’t actually meet you.

[el****]

I think you’re looking for A life time sub and at the same time someone who can match your energy.

[Ba****]

@el-paso59767 I’m looking for a reliable dominant not a submissive currently.

[ja****]

I think it depends on what kind of rough sex. And yes i agree with the earning trust. I'm the same way

[Ba****]

@jadeperrine I see where your going,honestly it could different be for other people. I think for me since I prefer rough sex I expect it? So it’s become normal to me.🧐

[ja****]

I hate vanilla sex.. not even worth my time. I have to be treated roughly for me to even start to get excited 😊

[JackJonesHull]

I understand perfectly what you are saying. For me, at least, "one or two nights of rough sex" as you put it is and would be an empty experience.
It's as if there was no investment in what was happening, no intention of actually fulfilling the kinks at all.
I'm sure many will happily just rock up with little worry for anything they can get, and that's absolutely fine as a quick taster/intermission once some time and understanding into mutual kinks has been spent.
But we need more than that. We need trust and some level of commitment to mutual satisfaction both physically and mentally.

[ja****]

I love this conversation, cause this is real bdsm. Wish i could find this offline lol

[he****]

Honestly, its just a perseverance/patience game. I started on my journey just doing a paid session with a Dom in a hotel to now we have been in d/s relationship for over 2.5 years now and we have went thru so many different experiences together. I wouldnt even want to have sex without bdsm and i have found there are other things that are just as stimulating especially with the right partner. Unfortunately tho ik its hard to meet the right dom or sub but just to not give up hope and keep trying and never sell yourself short. Know what you want ( which it sounds like you do) and go after it. There are a lot of fake doms out there that think kink is just about rough sex and dont have a clue about safety or scene negotiation. Id def suggest finding someone that has a lot of experience and is looking for a sub to build a dynamic/relationship with and not just a quick fling. Honesty is always the best policy. I wish you the best of luck. Dont give up hope… that right Sir is out there. Happy hunting kinkster:)

[po****]

I would think any rigorous bout of the ol rough and tumble would be accompanied with an hour or so of loving aftercare

[li****]

Of course rough sex is vanillaish.
If you're looking for more, just be patient and wait for the right one. Don't allow other people to pressure you into doing things only because that's the only thing you think you can get.

[Bi****]

If you want to experience true Kink in my encounters I have to tell them that I do not want to do penetration. I bring out the different toys and let them pick which ones we are playing with, if that gets boring or is just not the vibe we switch it out. Women have more orgasms in them than a man, so don’t let that man cum! Do clitoral play! Do body worship! No penetration brings attention to the rest of you!

[da****]

Not at all! We deserve a healthy, loving and kinky relationship

[Dr****]

Kink/ BDSM is not just about sex. I have a few partners i play with, and there is no sexual involvement.
It's a shame that so many on here are trying to use this app to just hook up.
You are definitely not wrong for wanting to ask for more than sex. You set the rules before you meet. Discuss limits, what you want from interactions, boundaries, etc.
If you want sex, that's fine, but you shouldn't feel wrong for wanting actual scene or session.
Try going through the vetting process and see how many actually answer the questions. I have started getting people, and if they get upset I ask questions. It's a red flag they aren't really into kink. You should get what you're looking for, not just settle

[kc****]

If you’re feeling that way, you haven’t found the right person to complet your life

[No****]

Definitely not !

[sardonicus87]

Unfortunately, finding legit people is hard since apps and munches got flooded with vanillas. It's always been a problem, but there's been an exponential explosion of them, and so many think BDSM is just sex or just rough sex.
.
Probably 90% of self-professed BDSM people (at least online, might be more like 70% of those that actually show up to munches) are lying and fake, just like anything else.
.
Add in to that, that these days, everyone's got not only got a "nobody owes nobody anything" attitude (although technically true, not a good position to have with other aspects), but they've also got a "me first" attitude... and anything that's not gainful for them (transactionally) or perfectly convenient for them when they want it and a total unwillingness to compromise at all on anything doesn't happen, to include their already existing friends.
.
People are standoffish af and lost all social etiquette and ability, everyone turned into a tantrum throwing child with the mentality of a 5 year old.
.
Too much to ask for or expect? Definitely not. Unrealistic and unlikely to find? Definitely, but you should look anyway. Demand people be better at being people, do not lower basic standards.

[Fl****]

Keep your standards and don't fall for the bs. You are not wrong to want what you want.

[Sir-3063]

Hold your ground

[Deleted Member]

What you’re describing is something a lot of people run into, even if they don’t always articulate it this clearly.

 

There’s a big difference between rough sex and kink as an experience. Rough sex can be intense, physical and enjoyable - but on its own it doesn’t automatically involve power exchange, intention, trust, or emotional engagement. Kink, at least for many of us, is about process as much as outcome; preparation, anticipation, negotiation, pacing, and the relationship that holds it all together.

 

You’re not wrong to want more than “that was good sex.” Wanting something memorable, meaningful, and intentionally built doesn’t make you demanding - it makes you discerning.

 

I also think you’re right to be wary of people who expect obedience on contact. Obedience that’s demanded rather than earned is usually hollow. Real power exchange tends to emerge through consistency, trust, and mutual investment. Watching someone choose to surrender, rather than being told to, is often far more powerful on both sides of the dynamic.

 

As for whether you’re looking in the wrong place - maybe not the wrong place, but it may require filtering harder and slowing things down. Being clear early on that you’re interested in experience, connection, and intention, not just rough play, helps sort people quickly. Some will drift away - and that’s information, not failure.

 

In terms of how to approach the conversation without feeling overbearing: frame it around what you value, not what others are doing wrong. For example:

- “I’m interested in building something intentional over time.”

- “I enjoy intensity, but I’m really looking for depth and shared experience.

- “I don’t rush power exchange - I want it to develop naturally.”

 

The right people won’t feel pressured by that. They’ll feel relieved.

 

You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for something specific. And clarity like that tends to narrow the field - but also improves the quality of who remains.

[mo****]

Im still really knew but u been a grown man a while I find it funny any kind of dom can expect anything! In any situation I’ve had to earn my strips as a soilder biker husband and father! Maybe im wrong but if your essences doesn’t command the attention of any room you walk in are you really dominant? Male or female if you aren’t willing to listen and understand your partners wants and desires you deserve to loose ur mate you’re not doing ur job

[co****]

I am too new at this to actually answer your question! I do know that I personally like some intimacy along with being dominated for being dominant!

[Si****]

Its never wrong to ask for your desires and wants. It is wrong however to just “settle”, not change and ignore your mental and physical needs.
Chase your desires and find someone worthy

Also I agree with the comment about obedience is earned not given. And the same goes for the Doms need to earn their subs submission. Anyone thinking otherwise is either clueless or a wannabe with a big ego