24/7 sub, new, in love with my dom and broken

[Ali-jane]

Hi all, I'm new here. New to bdsm as of 5 months ago. I was in a relationship for the last 5 months with my dom and it was intense. He was charismatic, kind, thoughtful and understanding. Eventually he started to hurt me emotionally in vanilla ways that we had agreed against. It started small and I would have to wait to speak to him when he's ready regarding it. When I did, he would be racked with guilt. Anything he did when he thought he hurt me started to send him into bouts of aggression. They'd become more and more frequent. Yelling. Shaking with rage. He said I was useless when I was trying so hard. I did everything he asked and was grateful when he punished me. He never wanted to though. He would let me do what I liked, even if it upset him and he wanted to please me, not himself and he didn't understand why it hurt me. I felt I was lost and walking in circles. He didn't follow our agreement and lied. He didn't follow our agreement and blocked me. He told me I'm useless and can't be taught.

For so long he'd seemed so understanding, told me how much he loved and cherished me, but he has ptsd and eventually the *** he caused me emotionally overwhelmed him and sent him to a veterans mental health hospital. Since then he's begged for me to stay, but threw our agreement in the bin and said he won't respect any of my boundaries set. I understood this but being gagged for indefinite periods of time was literally on my hard limits. I tried so hard to be there for him but I broke, myself. He left me in the dark. I stayed near his hospital incase he needed me, but his rage at himself, me, causes so many bouts of aggression and he dumped me. Yelled at me and dumped me. I've never been dumped because my *** of rejection is so strong I dump them first. I hung in for him. His family shunned me. He refused to speak and told me I'm useless and he's never coming back. This was due to jealousy. The night he broke and left me in the dark I called my ex. Just as he was a friend before my dom came along and I needed someone to tell me I wasn't useless. I had no one else to speak to but was a mess, bawling on the ground and I felt like I was dying. I've never hated myself so much for my failure.

 

Now I'm breaking inside. This *** is so immense, I feel so lost and abandoned. He was everything to me. I am not usually a weak woman but I'm drowning. Can anyone offer advice on how I can come out of this? All I crave now is to be tied and to feel safe, told that I'm not nothing. I crave to kneel and not be kicked in the head when I followed our agreement to the t. It was like a Bible to me. Any advice would be much appreciated. This is not like a normal breakup. But its breaking me. 

[Deleted Member]

I’m sorry Ali-Jane for the *** and heartbreak that you are going through.If things got this bad after only 5 months of your relationship then it’s probably best for the both of you to end it.Your not useless it’s just the *** that is making you feel this way.I be had several destructive relationships and things can get really ugly if it continues.That drowning feeling is very uncomfortable but it will disappear with time.I hope you have better luck next time

[LanceH]

I have been on the other side. I found a relationship fall apart with a sub. Afterwards she bad mouthed me to the local community. When asked, I refused to comment. After a fairly short period of time, people realized the difference and rallied to my side. Not saying I made no mistakes of my own in that relationship. The thing is, we understand how hard it can be when you set your soul with someone else and then they try to burn it down. We are here for you to help if you need us.

[Wo****]

@Ali-jane Your Dom is broken himself. He needs to heal, or at least start healing himself before he can be what you need, what he needs.

You need to heal too.

His ***, his hurt, he needs to face that. As do you. You may not be able to heal each other.

 

You are NOT useless or worthless. You weren't wrong. You may need to walk away from him. To heal 🙏

[kree90]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Honestly, you just have to let yourself feel it. His actions are not on you. The only person you can control is yourself. I feel like I went through something similar recently, where I let someone walk all over me and it was toxic. The relationship didn't work, at least not the way it was. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore our boundaries and limits for it, but we shouldn't do that. We shouldn't take hurtful words just because we're afraid to lose something, because in the end, we lose something far more precious. Ourselves. Build yourself back up, but just know it'll take time. Focus on you, your happiness, your goals. Again, though, and this is most important, let yourself feel it. You are not useless. You are special because you exist. Find your worth again, because it's there, and not dependent on any one else. You will move past this, and there will be others. Sometimes, it can surprise you how many options you will have so quickly, you just have to find your light again. Sending good vibes your way <3

[Ali-jane]

5 hours ago, TAROTT said:

I’m sorry Ali-Jane for the *** and heartbreak that you are going through.If things got this bad after only 5 months of your relationship then it’s probably best for the both of you to end it.Your not useless it’s just the *** that is making you feel this way.I be had several destructive relationships and things can get really ugly if it continues.That drowning feeling is very uncomfortable but it will disappear with time.I hope you have better luck next time

Thankyou. I know you're right. I don't understand how things can deteriorate so quickly. I've never been more humiliated to be hanging in for a man that said he needs me that shut me out completely with not even a promise of a face to face conversation. It is so damaging. I told him one of my darkest truths about a sexual *** a week ago and he was so loving, kind, telling me he will never leave me, always protect me.  Since, he has raised this in anger using down to the last word, what my ***r said to me. 

I need to let go but far out its hard letting go of the man I thought he was. 

[Ali-jane]

4 hours ago, LanceH said:

I have been on the other side. I found a relationship fall apart with a sub. Afterwards she bad mouthed me to the local community. When asked, I refused to comment. After a fairly short period of time, people realized the difference and rallied to my side. Not saying I made no mistakes of my own in that relationship. The thing is, we understand how hard it can be when you set your soul with someone else and then they try to burn it down. We are here for you to help if you need us.

Thanks LanceH for your response. That sounds terrible but I'm glad people came to their senses. It would be interesting for his parents to hear my side, or anyone else for that matter. But id never shame him like that, even if he has no problem with it. Thankyou for your support. Its a lonely road.

[Ali-jane]

2 hours ago, Bounty said:

@Ali-jane Your Dom is broken himself. He needs to heal, or at least start healing himself before he can be what you need, what he needs.

You need to heal too.

His ***, his hurt, he needs to face that. As do you. You may not be able to heal each other.

 

You are NOT useless or worthless. You weren't wrong. You may need to walk away from him. To heal 🙏

Thanks Bounty. He is so broken, he has told me he can't be what I need. I'm finding it hard because he's not in his right mind atm. So I'm holding on until he gets out of hospital and degrading myself in the process. Thankyou for being kind. I don't know how to begin healing. It feels like the end of a 10 year relationship.  I had less trouble walking away from an 8 year one.

[Deleted Member]

Next time you are interested in a Dom spend a long time getting to know them before you start the relationship. At the moment your going through a tough raw experience so use this to find someone more suited who will love and respect you 

[Ali-jane]

1 hour ago, kree90 said:

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Honestly, you just have to let yourself feel it. His actions are not on you. The only person you can control is yourself. I feel like I went through something similar recently, where I let someone walk all over me and it was toxic. The relationship didn't work, at least not the way it was. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore our boundaries and limits for it, but we shouldn't do that. We shouldn't take hurtful words just because we're afraid to lose something, because in the end, we lose something far more precious. Ourselves. Build yourself back up, but just know it'll take time. Focus on you, your happiness, your goals. Again, though, and this is most important, let yourself feel it. You are not useless. You are special because you exist. Find your worth again, because it's there, and not dependent on any one else. You will move past this, and there will be others. Sometimes, it can surprise you how many options you will have so quickly, you just have to find your light again. Sending good vibes your way <3

I'm sorry you've travelled this road too. It's like hell. I want to feel it, let myself break down for a while but I have a toddler on my own and i have to try and stay strong for her, and him who has ditched me and sits in hospital after asking me to wait without having a voice. 

Thankyou for being kind, I need all the vibes I can get lol. I can't eat or sleep but if I do I have nightmares. I had no idea how psychologically damaging it can be. 

[Ali-jane]

4 minutes ago, TAROTT said:

Next time you are interested in a Dom spend a long time getting to know them before you start the relationship. At the moment your going through a tough raw experience so use this to find someone more suited who will love and respect you 

Thankyou. We kind of both just fell into it together, neither were experienced, we just did a lot of research. I wouldn't know where to start looking for a new dom lol. I met him at a singles group.  

[Babygirl1420]

Dealing with veterans is a whole different breed. I’m married to mine.If you need to talk please reach out to me!

[Deleted Member]

I hope you're doing well, let's be friends

[Deleted Member]

He's not looking after you in subspace or in any other matter. As his sub, you should be massively important to him and your wellbeing should be paramount. I think you maybe had a lucky escqpe

[Ali-jane]

On 04/02/2021 at 1:05 AM, Babygirl1420 said:

Dealing with veterans is a whole different breed. I’m married to mine.If you need to talk please reach out to me!

Thankyou. I was hoping to find peace like that too. With my needs thrown in the bin, I didn't have anything to hold on to. I probably could have done a lot better, its just horrible feeling like a failure.

[Ali-jane]

On 04/02/2021 at 5:55 AM, Twisted-English-74 said:

He's not looking after you in subspace or in any other matter. As his sub, you should be massively important to him and your wellbeing should be paramount. I think you maybe had a lucky escqpe

Thats how I thought it should be. He did make me feel like that, important to him, but when he started veering from our agreement and following his own path I just felt lost and betrayed. And now, even still I'm a shaking mess most days. I'm not sure how to even begin healing. I think you may be right.

[Deleted Member]

I’m so sorry to read of your ***. My heart goes out to you. There’s nothing I or anyone can do to lessen the *** or speed your healing except to be here when you need to talk.

Veterans get a terrible deal from the authorities when they leave the ***s. I’m a member of a veterans association and many of my friends have suffered with PTSD. There just isn’t enough support. It’s beyond cruel after they have given so much of themselves.

I often find that increasing my understanding of situations can help me to deal with them. I don’t know if you have researched PTSD, but I wonder if it might help you to understand him better, and if that understanding might subsequently help you to heal?

You’re welcome to DM me if you want. I don’t know that I will be able to help, but I can listen. x

[Koby]

You are valuable on so many different levels.

It is unfortunate but your ex was carrying emotional baggage, which he struggled to deal with. It is not your responsibility to manage your ex's baggage.

Also you are not responsible for his subsequent actions or treatment of you. Sometimes we turn inwards when relationships go wrong e.g.  I was to blame for his behaviour.

I found itvvery interesting to read that at times your ex was trying to draw you closer and at other times he was pushing you away. For me,it was clear that internally he was struggling to understand what he needs and how he feels.

Please take your time with the healing process. Some may encourage you to get back out there and date, as a way to move on from your ex

I would encourage you to take all the time you need. I hope you find your closure.

 

[Eve1919]

On 2/2/2021 at 7:43 PM, Ali-jane said:

Thanks Bounty. He is so broken, he has told me he can't be what I need. I'm finding it hard because he's not in his right mind atm. So I'm holding on until he gets out of hospital and degrading myself in the process. Thankyou for being kind. I don't know how to begin healing. It feels like the end of a 10 year relationship.  I had less trouble walking away from an 8 year one.

Please don't wait for him. The kindest thing he did for you was to tell you that he can't be what you need.  He's right.  He can't do it.  Not now.  And more importantly, you can't fix him.  He has to do that for himself. It's the only way it will work. And to really fix himself, he is going to  have to be very selfish.  This is his journey, not yours.  Hanging on will just damage the both of you. 

Let him go. Work on healing yourself.  Remember that not every relationship is meant to last forever.  (Vanilla or Kinky).