Can a sex contract really make it better?

In a BDSM relationship, both the sub and Dom must know what they're getting into. We investigate the benefits and practicalities of a sex contract.

In everyone’s least favourite BDSM-lite film, Christian Grey talks his new girlfriend into signing a sex contract. It’s essentially a gag order that prevents her from ever talking about their kinky secrets and permits him to do whatever he wants to her, physically.

If that sounds slightly creepy and controlling - even to someone as pervy as you - then you’d be right on the ***. This isn’t how a sex contract is negotiated in the real BDSM community. We do it better, slower and with far more sleazy talk.

Can a sex contract really make it better or is that just another Fifty Shades fantasy?

The average slave/master agreement will contain themes of ownership and domination, but never to the point where the slave could experience any real-life hardship or genuine ***. Moreover, these BDSM agreements are mutual and beneficial; Couples work them out to make sure that everyone gets their rocks off, sub or Dom.

A sex contract is a perfect arena for BDSM scenes to be planned before things take off in the heat of the moment. No one is going to return to a situation they hated, so it’s crucial for everyone involved to be aware of the other person’s boundaries. Additionally, they need to fully appreciate the level of experience they are bringing to the party.

A sex contract should be drawn up before engaging in power play.

Mutual agreement

Fetish can be extreme or light; some people are freaked out by gimp masks while others can’t stand being tied up for longer than a few minutes. It’s all cool, but writing and signing a contract keeps everyone on the same page.

We receive pleasure in different ways. People who are new to the fetish and BDSM community have unfamiliar erotic experiences, so might want to take it easy before diving into the more hardcore bondage games. A sex contract can make them aware of the possibilities in a tantalising way, putting them in charge of how far you go instead of leaving them guessing.

Then there’s the Master’s side of the agreement. Far from imposing a set of rules on a slave, the Master is signing a sex contract that makes crystal clear their commitment to a bondage and BDSM relationship. The Dominant accepts the slave as their personal property, but this is not taken lightly or underestimated. The Master's duty to love, punish, care for, and where necessary, protect a sub, is carefully worded, enabling both parties to feel nurtured and secure. Moreover, very few people involved in the BDSM lifestyle would put their name to anything that didn’t have a get-out clause.

Backing out of a BDSM sex contract at any time is a freedom we all need. Relationships change, and it’s no fun being stuck in a dull, oppressive or loveless situation just because of a piece of paper.

Safety, consent and more?

Although it smooths the way for safe and consensual bedroom antics, signing a sex contract isn’t just about the practicalities, and it’s certainly not about oppression. Not many kinky people would allow someone else to control their social life, their career ambitions or their happiness. However, their sexual pleasure could well be a different matter. Politically correct sexual fantasies are rare. Want to be trussed up like a badass stripper, spanked and then taken from behind? Write it into your contract, so you don’t have to ask in future.

How do you draw up a sex contract?

If you’re interested in signing a contract of your own, don’t feel you have to follow any format or template. Some of the most revealing and intimate contracts can be in the form of questionnaires. You write the critical questions, and your partner answers, truthfully and elaborately.

Your sexy fetish agreement can be as bold and unique as you and the fun part is thrashing out the details. Writing it all up might not be such a blast, but remember this is about trying to make your relationship stronger and more open. You can take these contracts as seriously as you like. Indeed, some kinksters love the drama of an official document dictating their desires, but others are in it for the thrills. Contracts can refer to particular BDSM scenes you design together or have broader Master/servant implications.

Pet contracts are also popular, where one person will take on the role of dog, cat or pony and follow their owner’s instructions. Whichever way you chose to play it, a sex contract can be a great way of monitoring your relationship and seeing how things develop over time. Having your contract written down to refer back to ensures you both continue to feel valued, protected, loved and committed to the same goals.

Do you already have a sex contract with your partner, or looking for tips on drawing one up? Share your thoughts and experiences in the Fetish.com forum.