Most People Aren’t Built for 24/7 D/s. Prove me wrong

[Pr****]

I initially felt that I wanted to be full time, collared sub with my husband. We explored the dynamics of it, tried a few rules but, as I am the main earner (practically the only earner) I found that we ran in a few main issues -
1) I didnt feel I could give over total control to him. I guess I dont fully trust him to be able to manage all that the day to stuff that I manage.
2) I found that I was coaching him in how to be dominant without being an arse.
3) This one seems silly. We went to a beginners Shibari session. He got into a foul mood because he struggled to get the knots first time and it ruined it for me, even putting me off BDSM with him for a while.
I think Ive had too much experience of things going wrong when Ive trusted my partners to be in control of mundane everyday stuff so now Im a bit of a control freak in that area. I also think I had a fairy tale idea of what being a collared sub meant. 🤔

[Pr****]

Point 2 is a little harsh. What I was trying to say is that we were trying to navigate what worked for us. He has always been the submissive in previous relationships so its been a learning curve for him. Balancing being dominant enough to satisfy me and avoiding being so dominant that I fought against it was difficult. Its a balancing act that we are still trying to get right.

[St****]

55 minutes ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

Point 2 is a little harsh. What I was trying to say is that we were trying to navigate what worked for us. He has always been the submissive in previous relationships so its been a learning curve for him. Balancing being dominant enough to satisfy me and avoiding being so dominant that I fought against it was difficult. Its a balancing act that we are still trying to get right.

A little harsh🤣 you went off him in a specific sense because he went in a mood about something that bothered him

[Pr****]

No, I went off the idea of BDSM with him because he was so bothered about it that it ruined what should have a been a pleasant experience for both of us, even the instructor was getting annoyed at him.

[Dj****]

I do believe anything related to "fulltime" is wrong in mid level protocol. "Fulltime" i.E. you got financial freedom and you can dedicate your daily routine and attention to this is rather found in high protocol such as Master and Slave dynamics.

[ey****]

a main mistake many make is they treat 24/7 as a start point rather than a destination and it doesn't work for a variety of different reasons.

That for a lot of folk it's better if something worked towards.

I don't think "built for" is quite correct, in the sense that actually most people are not interested in 24/7 since those in kink dynamics at all is a minority of people. And for a lot who are in kink dynamics, it's still not something that appeals to them.

  But there are many I know in 24/7 dynamics and what that looks like is what works for them, and this can differ from couple to couple. 

[sa****]

7 hours ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

I initially felt that I wanted to be full time, collared sub with my husband. We explored the dynamics of it, tried a few rules but, as I am the main earner (practically the only earner) I found that we ran in a few main issues -
1) I didnt feel I could give over total control to him. I guess I dont fully trust him to be able to manage all that the day to stuff that I manage.
2) I found that I was coaching him in how to be dominant without being an arse.
3) This one seems silly. We went to a beginners Shibari session. He got into a foul mood because he struggled to get the knots first time and it ruined it for me, even putting me off BDSM with him for a while.
I think Ive had too much experience of things going wrong when Ive trusted my partners to be in control of mundane everyday stuff so now Im a bit of a control freak in that area. I also think I had a fairy tale idea of what being a collared sub meant. 🤔

This is so honest. Respect 🙏

[MikeyouKnow]

This was a great topic. One thing I didn't see anyone mention, but with a TPE, the Master or Dom always has the option to delegate some things back to the sub or slave. For instance, if your sub is a financial specialist, why wouldn't you delegate the dynamic finances to the sub? The dom still owns that power; they have just delegated it.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, MikeyouKnow said:

One thing I didn't see anyone mention, but with a TPE, the Master or Dom always has the option to delegate some things back to the sub or slave. For instance, if your sub is a financial specialist, why wouldn't you delegate the dynamic finances to the sub? The dom still owns that power; they have just delegated it.

this is actually massive and one of the things which in arrangements I see work, happens a lot.    Cos it then means the Dominant isn't overloaded with work, responsibility, etc. but it still doesn't shatter any dynamics because the submissive is told they are to do this as part of the dynamic - which could be a task delegation or something where it is "this is an area I'm tasking you to use iniative" 

[Pr****]

19 hours ago, san-diego20461 said:

This is so honest. Respect 🙏

😊 Thanks

[Bu****]

I can’t do performative submission. I am not living a 24/7 dynamic because I have not met a Dom in the 3 years I have been back that truly desires what I do. Most ‘Doms’ are bedroom Doms, ugh, sigh. 😫, 😭. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna die on this mountain alone, whatever, I’d rather that then take crumbs of what I truly desire.

I have deep craving to be completely owned. I find leading myself alone through my life to be exhausting, though I am so proud of my capabilities and I AM capable and have proven it, I have held myself to such high expectations and that same strength I believe would allow me the strength to fully let go and surrender. My soul feels called to this deeper sort of dynamic but I have not yet met the right person to guide me there.

The person that would have this from me would have to carry certain attributes. The most safe space I have ever experienced, he knows better for me than I sometimes do, he is strong, steady, consistent and does not lead with ego, He craves the responsibility as much as I crave the surrender. He allows me a voice and to have emotions even if he has the final veto. I see this as the epitome of trust and I desire trust like that.

I think if we share the same vision and it is consensual, and we both truly work at our roles and we keep pillars of trust and respect. I don’t believe this would be dysfunctional. I think it could be one of the most functional relationships that ever exists, and I would love to write a book about it once I fully experience it.

But for now…

me-💃🏻 mountain 🏔️=alone

[Tr****]

Question so if you aren't 24/7 doesn't that just make you top then not necessarily dom? Isn't that the difference Top (The "Doer" or Mechanic)
Focus: Physical stimulation, pleasure, or *** application.
Role: The person who "runs the show" during a specific scene—for example, the one who applies the whip, handles the ropes, or performs the penetration.
Control Level: A top has control over the immediate activity but is not necessarily responsible for the overall psychological well-being of the partner.
Power Dynamic: A top might not be a dominant in a long-term sense; they are just acting out the role of the aggressor in that moment.
Example: A "Service Top" is someone who performs the physical acts (top) but does so strictly under the direction of a submissive bottom.
2. Dominant (The "Leader" or Powerholder)
Focus: Power, control, authority, and psychology.
Role: Sets boundaries, establishes rules, guides the scene, and often cares for the submissive’s emotional state (before, during, and after).
Control Level: A Dom manages the "power exchange," deciding what, when, and how things happen.
Power Dynamic: They hold the authority in the relationship, even outside the bedroom (if in a 24/7 dynamic).

[Tr****]

Whether it's a "smart boundary" or an "excuse" depends entirely on who is setting it and why Let’s break down the data:
1. When it’s a Smart Boundary
If **you** are the one setting it, it’s usually a tactical move to protect your "System Integrity."
* **The Logic:** You have a high-powered, high-frequency brain. You might want to be a boss, a Vixen, out in the real world, but you need the bedroom to be the place where the **Mute Button** lives.
* **The Benefit:** It keeps your "Power Exchange" as a specialized "Extraction" ritual. It prevents the dynamic from bleeding into your everyday life where you actually need to be in control.

### 2. When it’s an Excuse
If **he** is the one saying "I only do that in the bedroom," it can often be a "System Glitch."
* **The Logic:** He might be a **"Top"** (as we discussed) who doesn't have the mental bandwidth to be a true **Dom**. He can handle the physical "Manual Labor," but he’s scared of the emotional responsibility that comes with being your Grounding Wire 24/7.
* **The Red Flag:** If he uses this to avoid being protective, assertive, or supportive in the "real world," he’s just using the bedroom as a playground rather than a partnership.

3. The Perspective
For a "Bedroom Only" can feel limited
* You might find that you crave that "Dom" energy when you’re out at dinner or just walking down the street—not in a "vulgar" way, but just knowing he’s the one "steering the ship."
* If their only a Dom behind closed doors, the "Switch" back to reality can feel jarring and leave you feeling "ungrounded."
The Test:
Ask yourself (or them) this: "Is the power exchange a costume we put on, or is it the core frequency of our connection?"

If it's a costume:It stays in the bedroom. (This is a Boundary.
If it's the frequency: It hums in the background even when you’re just grocery shopping. (Limiting this is an Excuse).
Most start with "Bedroom Only" because it’s what they know. But a true **Dom** will eventually realize that your brain doesn't stop spinning just because the lights are on. He’ll start to "ground" you in small ways throughout the day—a hand on the back of your neck, a certain tone of voice—to keep you from turning into a wildfire.

[Tr****]

Also I apologize for using he/she

[Tr****]

I also want to add that everyone's expression of their identity labels are unique yes I understand 💕

[ey****]

36 minutes ago, TrACe_n-TeThEr said:

Question so if you aren't 24/7 doesn't that just make you top then not necessarily dom?

for me, there's a lot that isn't very cut and dried.

everyon'e dynamic is different and even in 24/7 - a lot of what makes it work varies.   The kinda main issue is that a lot of folk sometimes fall into "one twue way" kinda bullshit ("if you don't do it this way you're not true") and it's more tied with what's known as the "No true scotsman fallacy"

Whilst person x might not wish for a relationship with person y because they feel their views are too far apart, it's neither's business really how other people conduct their dynamics.

Consider also a relationship going from 0 to 24/7 in a short space is doomed to fail, but those partaking wouldn't/shouldn't consider themselves to be 'lesser' on their journey