Most People Aren’t Built for 24/7 D/s. Prove me wrong

[Pr****]

I initially felt that I wanted to be full time, collared sub with my husband. We explored the dynamics of it, tried a few rules but, as I am the main earner (practically the only earner) I found that we ran in a few main issues -
1) I didnt feel I could give over total control to him. I guess I dont fully trust him to be able to manage all that the day to stuff that I manage.
2) I found that I was coaching him in how to be dominant without being an arse.
3) This one seems silly. We went to a beginners Shibari session. He got into a foul mood because he struggled to get the knots first time and it ruined it for me, even putting me off BDSM with him for a while.
I think Ive had too much experience of things going wrong when Ive trusted my partners to be in control of mundane everyday stuff so now Im a bit of a control freak in that area. I also think I had a fairy tale idea of what being a collared sub meant. 🤔

[Pr****]

Point 2 is a little harsh. What I was trying to say is that we were trying to navigate what worked for us. He has always been the submissive in previous relationships so its been a learning curve for him. Balancing being dominant enough to satisfy me and avoiding being so dominant that I fought against it was difficult. Its a balancing act that we are still trying to get right.

[St****]

55 minutes ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

Point 2 is a little harsh. What I was trying to say is that we were trying to navigate what worked for us. He has always been the submissive in previous relationships so its been a learning curve for him. Balancing being dominant enough to satisfy me and avoiding being so dominant that I fought against it was difficult. Its a balancing act that we are still trying to get right.

A little harsh🤣 you went off him in a specific sense because he went in a mood about something that bothered him

[Pr****]

No, I went off the idea of BDSM with him because he was so bothered about it that it ruined what should have a been a pleasant experience for both of us, even the instructor was getting annoyed at him.

[Dj****]

I do believe anything related to "fulltime" is wrong in mid level protocol. "Fulltime" i.E. you got financial freedom and you can dedicate your daily routine and attention to this is rather found in high protocol such as Master and Slave dynamics.

[ey****]

a main mistake many make is they treat 24/7 as a start point rather than a destination and it doesn't work for a variety of different reasons.

That for a lot of folk it's better if something worked towards.

I don't think "built for" is quite correct, in the sense that actually most people are not interested in 24/7 since those in kink dynamics at all is a minority of people. And for a lot who are in kink dynamics, it's still not something that appeals to them.

  But there are many I know in 24/7 dynamics and what that looks like is what works for them, and this can differ from couple to couple. 

[sa****]

7 hours ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

I initially felt that I wanted to be full time, collared sub with my husband. We explored the dynamics of it, tried a few rules but, as I am the main earner (practically the only earner) I found that we ran in a few main issues -
1) I didnt feel I could give over total control to him. I guess I dont fully trust him to be able to manage all that the day to stuff that I manage.
2) I found that I was coaching him in how to be dominant without being an arse.
3) This one seems silly. We went to a beginners Shibari session. He got into a foul mood because he struggled to get the knots first time and it ruined it for me, even putting me off BDSM with him for a while.
I think Ive had too much experience of things going wrong when Ive trusted my partners to be in control of mundane everyday stuff so now Im a bit of a control freak in that area. I also think I had a fairy tale idea of what being a collared sub meant. 🤔

This is so honest. Respect 🙏

[MikeyouKnow]

This was a great topic. One thing I didn't see anyone mention, but with a TPE, the Master or Dom always has the option to delegate some things back to the sub or slave. For instance, if your sub is a financial specialist, why wouldn't you delegate the dynamic finances to the sub? The dom still owns that power; they have just delegated it.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, MikeyouKnow said:

One thing I didn't see anyone mention, but with a TPE, the Master or Dom always has the option to delegate some things back to the sub or slave. For instance, if your sub is a financial specialist, why wouldn't you delegate the dynamic finances to the sub? The dom still owns that power; they have just delegated it.

this is actually massive and one of the things which in arrangements I see work, happens a lot.    Cos it then means the Dominant isn't overloaded with work, responsibility, etc. but it still doesn't shatter any dynamics because the submissive is told they are to do this as part of the dynamic - which could be a task delegation or something where it is "this is an area I'm tasking you to use iniative" 

[Pr****]

19 hours ago, san-diego20461 said:

This is so honest. Respect 🙏

😊 Thanks

[Bu****]

I can’t do performative submission. I am not living a 24/7 dynamic because I have not met a Dom in the 3 years I have been back that truly desires what I do. Most ‘Doms’ are bedroom Doms, ugh, sigh. 😫, 😭. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna die on this mountain alone, whatever, I’d rather that then take crumbs of what I truly desire.

I have deep craving to be completely owned. I find leading myself alone through my life to be exhausting, though I am so proud of my capabilities and I AM capable and have proven it, I have held myself to such high expectations and that same strength I believe would allow me the strength to fully let go and surrender. My soul feels called to this deeper sort of dynamic but I have not yet met the right person to guide me there.

The person that would have this from me would have to carry certain attributes. The most safe space I have ever experienced, he knows better for me than I sometimes do, he is strong, steady, consistent and does not lead with ego, He craves the responsibility as much as I crave the surrender. He allows me a voice and to have emotions even if he has the final veto. I see this as the epitome of trust and I desire trust like that.

I think if we share the same vision and it is consensual, and we both truly work at our roles and we keep pillars of trust and respect. I don’t believe this would be dysfunctional. I think it could be one of the most functional relationships that ever exists, and I would love to write a book about it once I fully experience it.

But for now…

me-💃🏻 mountain 🏔️=alone

[Tr****]

Question so if you aren't 24/7 doesn't that just make you top then not necessarily dom? Isn't that the difference Top (The "Doer" or Mechanic)
Focus: Physical stimulation, pleasure, or *** application.
Role: The person who "runs the show" during a specific scene—for example, the one who applies the whip, handles the ropes, or performs the penetration.
Control Level: A top has control over the immediate activity but is not necessarily responsible for the overall psychological well-being of the partner.
Power Dynamic: A top might not be a dominant in a long-term sense; they are just acting out the role of the aggressor in that moment.
Example: A "Service Top" is someone who performs the physical acts (top) but does so strictly under the direction of a submissive bottom.
2. Dominant (The "Leader" or Powerholder)
Focus: Power, control, authority, and psychology.
Role: Sets boundaries, establishes rules, guides the scene, and often cares for the submissive’s emotional state (before, during, and after).
Control Level: A Dom manages the "power exchange," deciding what, when, and how things happen.
Power Dynamic: They hold the authority in the relationship, even outside the bedroom (if in a 24/7 dynamic).

[Tr****]

Whether it's a "smart boundary" or an "excuse" depends entirely on who is setting it and why Let’s break down the data:
1. When it’s a Smart Boundary
If **you** are the one setting it, it’s usually a tactical move to protect your "System Integrity."
* **The Logic:** You have a high-powered, high-frequency brain. You might want to be a boss, a Vixen, out in the real world, but you need the bedroom to be the place where the **Mute Button** lives.
* **The Benefit:** It keeps your "Power Exchange" as a specialized "Extraction" ritual. It prevents the dynamic from bleeding into your everyday life where you actually need to be in control.

### 2. When it’s an Excuse
If **he** is the one saying "I only do that in the bedroom," it can often be a "System Glitch."
* **The Logic:** He might be a **"Top"** (as we discussed) who doesn't have the mental bandwidth to be a true **Dom**. He can handle the physical "Manual Labor," but he’s scared of the emotional responsibility that comes with being your Grounding Wire 24/7.
* **The Red Flag:** If he uses this to avoid being protective, assertive, or supportive in the "real world," he’s just using the bedroom as a playground rather than a partnership.

3. The Perspective
For a "Bedroom Only" can feel limited
* You might find that you crave that "Dom" energy when you’re out at dinner or just walking down the street—not in a "vulgar" way, but just knowing he’s the one "steering the ship."
* If their only a Dom behind closed doors, the "Switch" back to reality can feel jarring and leave you feeling "ungrounded."
The Test:
Ask yourself (or them) this: "Is the power exchange a costume we put on, or is it the core frequency of our connection?"

If it's a costume:It stays in the bedroom. (This is a Boundary.
If it's the frequency: It hums in the background even when you’re just grocery shopping. (Limiting this is an Excuse).
Most start with "Bedroom Only" because it’s what they know. But a true **Dom** will eventually realize that your brain doesn't stop spinning just because the lights are on. He’ll start to "ground" you in small ways throughout the day—a hand on the back of your neck, a certain tone of voice—to keep you from turning into a wildfire.

[Tr****]

Also I apologize for using he/she

[Tr****]

I also want to add that everyone's expression of their identity labels are unique yes I understand 💕

[ey****]

36 minutes ago, TrACe_n-TeThEr said:

Question so if you aren't 24/7 doesn't that just make you top then not necessarily dom?

for me, there's a lot that isn't very cut and dried.

everyon'e dynamic is different and even in 24/7 - a lot of what makes it work varies.   The kinda main issue is that a lot of folk sometimes fall into "one twue way" kinda bullshit ("if you don't do it this way you're not true") and it's more tied with what's known as the "No true scotsman fallacy"

Whilst person x might not wish for a relationship with person y because they feel their views are too far apart, it's neither's business really how other people conduct their dynamics.

Consider also a relationship going from 0 to 24/7 in a short space is doomed to fail, but those partaking wouldn't/shouldn't consider themselves to be 'lesser' on their journey

[OT****]

I think that I like a balance with variety. So for example, agreeing to enter an intense period of several weeks of TPE knowing that it is for that period, and that afterwards we revert for a while to more relaxed dynamics.

We get to enjoy the contrasts and discuss and modify each time we re-enter the TPE dynamic.

[Se****]

On 1/24/2026 at 3:31 PM, Torsten99 said:

Let’s be real…..Everyone says they want a Dominant who leads or a submissive who surrenders—until it stops being sexy and starts requiring discipline, accountability, and actual power exchange.

Bedroom-only D/s is easy. You turn it on, you turn it off, and nobody’s life really changes.

Full-time D/s? That’s not fantasy. That’s structure, hierarchy, trust, and consequences. That’s waking up every day knowing your role isn’t optional.

So here’s the question most people avoid………………Are full-time Dominants and submissives rare because they’re toxic…or because most people simply don’t have the strength, control, or surrender required to live it?

Let’s talk about it honestly:
1) If you claim you want 24/7 D/s, what are you actually willing to give up or take responsibility for?

2) If you reject full-time dynamics, is it because it’s unhealthy… or because it’s too intense?

3) Is bedroom-only D/s a smart boundary or a comfortable excuse?

If you’ve lived in real power exchange, not just played with the idea, speak up.

Everyone else…..Listen.

I haven’t read all the responses but the first flaw in your discussion is that you haven’t defined what you mean by “24/7”. Do you mean a Dom/sub relationship 24/7? Do you mean a TPE? Do you mean some control but not full control? Do you mean the Dom leads and the sub follows but still has a voice and opinion?

In my, humble, opinion (and I am open to the fact others will disagree and their views may make me change mine) there is a difference between a full time 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship and a TPE and a bedroom only dynamic and about a million variations in between.

In my D/s relationships I want to be seen as an equal and have a voice and an opinion, I’m not but for a TPE. HOWEVER, that does not mean that I don’t know my Dom is my Dom 24/7, that he has the right to assert his control at any time and in any (consensual) way. It gives me what I need - being me, being a sub, being his and accepting his control and power over me.

I’d be happy, with the right person, to discuss more formal dynamics or elements/times where we explore more control/TPE or less control/D/s.

[Ar****]

What a phenomenally curious topic title.

 

Why would anyone want to prove you wrong, unless they were just spoiling for an argument? Why ask/challenge to be proved wrong (rather just invite people to discuss), unless you are spoiling for confrontation yourself?

 

Bottom line is most people aren't even wired for entry-level BDSM, and I have no idea why anybody would think that a world where most people being "built" for a 24/7 D/s connection would be remotely positive or desirable let alone argue it exists. 

Edited February 1 by Aranhis

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Why would anyone want to prove you wrong, unless they were just spoiling for an argument?

I am going to say that - this was my initial thought. And part of it was a little bit... are you being provocative for the sake of it, or going in for clickbait, when... I mean... most people aren't interested in D/s *at all* so yeah, it's not the bold statement implied.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I am going to say that - this was my initial thought. And part of it was a little bit... are you being provocative for the sake of it, or going in for clickbait, when... I mean... most people aren't interested in D/s *at all* so yeah, it's not the bold statement implied.

i think it was just bait, cause i bit loll

[Be****]

January 27, ButterflyAngel11 said:

I can’t do performative submission. I am not living a 24/7 dynamic because I have not met a Dom in the 3 years I have been back that truly desires what I do. Most ‘Doms’ are bedroom Doms, ugh, sigh. 😫, 😭. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna die on this mountain alone, whatever, I’d rather that then take crumbs of what I truly desire.

I have deep craving to be completely owned. I find leading myself alone through my life to be exhausting, though I am so proud of my capabilities and I AM capable and have proven it, I have held myself to such high expectations and that same strength I believe would allow me the strength to fully let go and surrender. My soul feels called to this deeper sort of dynamic but I have not yet met the right person to guide me there.

The person that would have this from me would have to carry certain attributes. The most safe space I have ever experienced, he knows better for me than I sometimes do, he is strong, steady, consistent and does not lead with ego, He craves the responsibility as much as I crave the surrender. He allows me a voice and to have emotions even if he has the final veto. I see this as the epitome of trust and I desire trust like that.

I think if we share the same vision and it is consensual, and we both truly work at our roles and we keep pillars of trust and respect. I don’t believe this would be dysfunctional. I think it could be one of the most functional relationships that ever exists, and I would love to write a book about it once I fully experience it.

But for now…

me-💃🏻 mountain 🏔️=alone

I couldn't have said it better myself. This is what my soul yearns for!!!!

[esotericBrat]

For myself, it is just an innate part of who I am as a person and I think that's often what's "missing" with others.. and I'm glad it isn't the norm, because I only became this way due to compounding traumatic events from a very young age. It's never been a role in the bedroom, at home, or while I'm out — it's just me being me and having no understanding of anything else.

Role-playing has always been pretending I'm vanilla/"just submissive in the bedroom", that I'm strong, self-reliant, and wanting to remain in control of my life, yet being completely unsatisfied in previous relationships with men who didn't understand what I needed and couldn't appreciate what I was willing to giving them.

The thing is, most people wouldn't understand the feeling of having a -genuine- willingness to personally suffer for another person WHILE receiving pleasure/happiness in doing so. They don't understand that people like me would cut their arm off IF (for whatever reason) that would benefit another/improve their life, (and I'm not just saying that but I legitimately would, & the -right- dom wouldn't allow for that to happen). They would be prioritising my legitimate needs over their personal desires (because I will give and give and give even if it's detrimental to myself,
so at the end of the day they shouldn't really be 'wanting' for anything when I'm happily giving them everything), making sure to effectively communicate/ask questions to prevent me from ever questioning their motives (/so I don't EVER feel taken advantage of), providing me with a feeling of safety, giving me structure/guidance I need, valuing/acknowledgement of what I bring to the table, able to see that everything I do is to help them, that it will always be in their best interest, and that my goal -in life- is to reduce their daily burdens/stressors and ultimately make them as happy + feeling fulfilled as I can. I want to always have a connection so strong that I know what they're feeling without them saying a word, that I know what they need and want before they do. I would give them the moon and the stars, anything they could dream of, because what the right person gives me, the internal state of calm I need to feel whole, is worth far more.

As for accountability:
I don't need "accountability" in the disciplinarian sense, because I live to please —to improve the lives of others— and would never intentionally do anything to cause harm/upset (physically, psychologically). I mean realistically when I feel or have been told that I upset someone, I'll punish myself far more than any 'dom' ever could (and it will never happen again). I'm extremely sensitive to being reprimanded -in any way-, to having somebody upset with me, because I hold myself to the standard of perfection (despite knowing it isn't actually a standard I can maintain consistently, everybody makes mistakes 🫠).

Unfortunately, many people will try to take advantage of people like me or often can be distrustful of us/our "motives". The genuineness of -this- level of selfless behaviour isn't something most can fathom, and I suppose that's why it's maybe perceived by some as love bombing, needy, having an anxious attachment style, lacking in boundaries, unhealthy, blah blah blah.

Even the example of cutting an arm off, yes I can admit it's objectively extreme BUT do I feel it is detrimental to myself? Nope, because I'll be fine. I'll figure out life as an amputee, be able to -sincerely- empathise with another group of people, able to potentially help other amputees, acquire new knowledge through lived experience.. I'd get through it, I'd make it work and ultimately be okay, but the same might not be said for the other person if I decide not to.

Hell, I'd even take the fall and go to prison for somebody I cared about for similar reasons.. again, not something the right partner would ever allow but I'm incredibly resilient and know that I'd be fine at the end of it. 🫣

At the end of the day, my partner is offering me safety, giving me that feeling of internal calm, by allowing me to be the person I am while ensuring my health/well-being is taken into account in the process (because again, I don't actually see or feel the harm associated with what society considers objectively harmful things — I only see the 'benefits' of living through these experiences, as well as the positive impact it may have for another which will provide me with the feeling of joy too). It's just who I am, who I've always been, and it's never going to change because I like the person I am. 🥸🩷