Popular Post AKA_Copper Posted January 29 Popular Post A sub without a Dom is a tragic creature, wandering the emotional plains clutching a metaphorical lead that goes nowhere. The lead drags uselessly behind them, light enough to ignore in the main, but heavy enough to feel its mocking. The sadness is real. It settles in the chest like a weighted blanket that's forgotten its purpose and decided to stick around anyway. It presses down day after day, until breathing feels alot like effort rather than instinct. . Decisions become impossible. Should I go to bed now? Should I drink water? Am I allowed to buy Ben and Jerry? The questions circle endlessly with no answer and no permission. No one is there to say the things that would make everything stop spinning. The silence is not peaceful, it makes the longing louder. . What breaks them is the absence of praise. No "good job". No approving hum or growl that somehow turns any task into a life time achievement. The sub could literally find the cure for a disease and still feel hollow because no one noticed in "that" way. Compliments from friends fall flat. “You’re doing great” means absolutely nothing unless it carries a hint of ownership and warmth. Without praise, motivation wilts. Plants may get watered, but the soul does not. . Then there’s the absence of impact, not just p@in, but its punctuation. Without it, emotions bleed into one another, unchecked and exhausting. There’s no moment of clarity, no quiet when the brain finally stops. The sub doesn’t even crave the sting anymore, just the interruption, the relief of being momentarily still. Now they just stew, trapped in their own head, drowning in feelings with nowhere to put them. . The sub makes their own rules just to feel something then promptly breaks them out of spite. Staying up too late. Ignoring alarms. "If no one’s telling me what to do, I simply won’t". It’s not rebellion, it’s exhaustion disguised as defiance. . The sub sighs dramatically while doing completely ordinary things. Folding laundry feels insulting. Spotify playlists spiral into emotional chaos. Friends ask, “Are you okay?” and the answer is always, “yes,” because explaining would take too long, and no one is asking in the right way and without the right tone. No one has said "I’m proud of you" with enough weight to matter in far too long. . Beneath the despair, the humour and the bratty edge, there is a raw truth the sub can’t escape...this isn’t just about p@in or praise alone. It’s about connection, being seen deliberately, not accidentally. The lead may be imaginary, the praise silent, the place where impact should live completely abandoned but the want remains relentless, and unbearable. So the sub waits. Dramatically. Quietly terrified that nothing will ever arrive. Until then, they remain here, starved of affirmation, emotionally unanchored, trying to survive on irony and self-control, drinking water only because they told themselves to do so. . Which, honestly, deserves praise. Even if they’d roll their eyes when they got it.
Lo**** Posted January 30 Very well written. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thank you. As a Dom I feel the same, just backwards. You sound awesome. This made me smile, and gave me hope for a better tomorrow. Well done! I do need to complain about one thing. You are so dang cute, I needed to see more pictures! lol. Thank you again!
Se**** Posted January 30 I feel this so much and I don’t think I ever really understood it fully until recently. Do you think “Build a Bear” could make a Dom bear with a voice in that says “I’m proud of you” (in the right tone) when you squeeze it? Pretty sure there’s a market for it! Unfortunately it still wouldn’t come with the right connection 😢
OT**** Posted January 30 I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when there is nobody to tell you whether or not you are allowed to buy Ben and Jerry’s, do you try to resurrect the ghost of someone who used to tell you and whose character had enough presence that you can still conjure them up and feel the instruction enough to impact on your decision? Or are they too distant and weak a memory? Or is mere memory not functional; you need a current presence that you can actively turn to and receive immediate attention from? It feels like the last of those is true. And I am curious about where people feel that their locus of control is. Your writing is always very eloquent and expressive as well as very interesting, and one of the things that keeps me interested in staying on Fet. I have SK to thank for turning me on to your writing 🙏
Deleted Member Posted January 30 This is beautifully written, and it captures something very real, but I think it’s worth gently challenging the conclusion it lands on. A sub without a Dom isn’t tragic. A sub who believes their worth, regulation, or aliveness only exists through a Dom is suffering and that suffering deserves compassion, not romanticising. What you’re describing isn’t submission, so much as unmet attachment needs wearing a D/s costume. Yes, praise matters. Yes, intentional attention lands differently. Yes, structure, interruption, and containment can quiet a loud mind in ways vanilla life often cannot. None of that is wrong. But when the absence of a Dom collapses agency, decision-making, self-care, and self-regard, that is not longing, it’s depletion. A healthy D/s dynamic doesn’t replace oxygen. It enhances breathing. A Dom is not meant to be the sole source of permission to rest, eat, exist, or feel proud. If that’s the case, the lead isn’t imaginary, it’s been internalised as dependency, and that’s a heavy thing for anyone to carry, on either side of the slash. The quiet truth underneath this post isn’t “subs need Dom’s to function.” It’s “being seen deliberately heals something many people were never given. That need is human before it’s kinky. The task, while waiting, isn’t to wither dramatically on the plains, as poetic as that image is, but to build enough internal structure that when a Dom does arrive, the connection is chosen, not clutched. Mutual, not compensatory. Grounded, not desperate. Longing doesn’t make you weak. But mistaking longing for necessity gives too much power to absence. For what it’s worth drinking the water, folding the laundry, showing up anyway? That does deserve praise. Even if you’d roll your eyes when you hear it.
AKA_Copper Posted January 30 Author 1 hour ago, Gentlemandom47 said: This is beautifully written, and it captures something very real, but I think it’s worth gently challenging the conclusion it lands on. A sub without a Dom isn’t tragic. A sub who believes their worth, regulation, or aliveness only exists through a Dom is suffering and that suffering deserves compassion, not romanticising. What you’re describing isn’t submission, so much as unmet attachment needs wearing a D/s costume. Yes, praise matters. Yes, intentional attention lands differently. Yes, structure, interruption, and containment can quiet a loud mind in ways vanilla life often cannot. None of that is wrong. But when the absence of a Dom collapses agency, decision-making, self-care, and self-regard, that is not longing, it’s depletion. A healthy D/s dynamic doesn’t replace oxygen. It enhances breathing. A Dom is not meant to be the sole source of permission to rest, eat, exist, or feel proud. If that’s the case, the lead isn’t imaginary, it’s been internalised as dependency, and that’s a heavy thing for anyone to carry, on either side of the slash. The quiet truth underneath this post isn’t “subs need Dom’s to function.” It’s “being seen deliberately heals something many people were never given. That need is human before it’s kinky. The task, while waiting, isn’t to wither dramatically on the plains, as poetic as that image is, but to build enough internal structure that when a Dom does arrive, the connection is chosen, not clutched. Mutual, not compensatory. Grounded, not desperate. Longing doesn’t make you weak. But mistaking longing for necessity gives too much power to absence. For what it’s worth drinking the water, folding the laundry, showing up anyway? That does deserve praise. Even if you’d roll your eyes when you hear it. Its meant as a dramatic piece more than reality. Of course I show up for myself (and others)
Se**** Posted January 30 7 hours ago, OTrainer said: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when there is nobody to tell you whether or not you are allowed to buy Ben and Jerry’s, do you try to resurrect the ghost of someone who used to tell you and whose character had enough presence that you can still conjure them up and feel the instruction enough to impact on your decision? Or are they too distant and weak a memory? Or is mere memory not functional; you need a current presence that you can actively turn to and receive immediate attention from? It feels like the last of those is true. And I am curious about where people feel that their locus of control is. Your writing is always very eloquent and expressive as well as very interesting, and one of the things that keeps me interested in staying on Fet. I have SK to thank for turning me on to your writing 🙏 For me personally, turning to something previous or remembrances of something previous wouldn’t work or help at all. I need to feel the connection and the care of the person saying, for example, “good girl”. If it’s something from a past life the connection is broken so the words mean nothing - they have to have relevance to the here and now. So even if the words are from someone I’m currently connected with/to they need to be applied to that specific situation. It’s all well and good for me to hear the words in my head or presume someone would infer “good girl” etc without them being aware of what I have/haven’t done or what instruction I’ve followed or anything the words are meaningless. As @AKA_Copper rightly says, it’s about being deliberately seen and belonging to someone who cares enough to make sure you know you matter and are doing well x
on**** Posted February 13 I’m proud of you. What you’re doing is difficult and your humor and grace in the face of it is admirable.
Bu**** Posted February 15 Made me think of this poem I wrote recently… ‘The Discipline Of Waiting’ It’s not easy… Waiting for you. It’s not easy… Holding boundaries that protect a future I haven’t touched yet. It’s not easy… Saying no to what’s right in front of me when my soul knows it isn’t you. It’s not easy… Refusing temporary pleasure when it would quiet the ache for a moment. It’s not easy… Trusting you will find me when all I have is faith. It’s not easy… Feeling, deep in my bones, that you exist even while I walk alone. It’s not easy… Standing firm in who I am when it would be simpler to bend. It’s not easy… Keeping predators at bay when I was made for devotion, not defense. It’s not easy… Being fully myself without you here to hold the weight of me. It’s not easy… Remaining strong inside this independence, or steady when I feel myself waver. It’s not easy… Trusting my soul to lead when the path is quiet and unknown. But… One day, when we meet and we choose each other, you will know the discipline I practiced: Before I ever knew your name, I was already practicing surrender. Before you ever touched me, I was already devoted. Before you ever claimed me, I was already strong for us. I did not ask for easy. I did not settle for almost. I waited for You.
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