Learning to believe in self again

[wb****]

What are some ways you would suggest for someone to get confidence in themself back?
How do I relearn to trust myself to trust others?
Is it even worth the effort to learn to trust again?

The first thing talked about in the first interaction was boundaries. Boundaries were set and explained why they are in place.

Last week what I thought was going to be a safe encounter (based on history) ended up not being safe. The previously set boundaries were pushed so I paused things reiterated the boundary. Shortly after the same boundary was completely ignored.

As a result I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to judge / read people. I have lost my want and desire for any intimacy. I don’t know if I even want to go through the work to heal again.

Before any one suggests it, professional and support group help has already been started.

I can’t & don’t want to go into detail about what happened and expect this to be posted.

[Chainedsilk]

As hard as it is, living without trust is hard, separating, stressful and leaves you feeling on edge and has long terms consequences.
Live it for awhile, do the work with the professionals and share your story in group. You will learn a lot, from, different ways to approach, to different wording, to standing firm, and slowly, you will heal and slowly start to trust yourself and others again. I hate saying it but trust the healing process. It's hard, its ***ful and it can be long but you will be happier once you get to the other side.

[af****]

Greetings from ark I pray that you find the strength of heal yourself girl love in the purple hair I've been through some stuff a lot very emotionally mentally and physically so you don't have to say much for some of us to understand that there are monsters underneath the bed one keep your heart open okay just don't trust your eating more because sometimes it's hard to trust your own shadow

[Va****]

I'm going thru the same THING'S & Also have alotta Serious professional Help 😔I Wish I Could feel like there's Any right Answer but Everything is A Red flag & I've Feel like there's No Real Answer til the Right Person is found or finds US with All the Patience of understanding to B freed in Some way As We're All Healing inside🙃 B Kind ta Yourself in Every way possibly Cause I Could Easily turn the Evil On for Karma But it's Not Worth it to Keep Burning Unless it's My Own inner passion of interest...❤️‍🔥

[De****]

Is the lack of confidence from bad past relationship and or family trying to break you down?

[Ul****]

I am sorry to hear that you have had a bad experience and that defined boundaries have been broken.
But don't let this become the be-all and end-all, trust is one of the most important that in any relationship. Be it a vanilla or master/mistress and Wub relationship. Boundaries, safe words, and rules are key to the vast majority of us in the scene, so when someone goes against this not only does it create a bad experience for someone, but it also damages the reputation of all of us in the eyes of the betrayed person.

Now as for your questions, it is a resounding yes to all three.

As for the loss of confidence and trust in yourself.. There are things you can do for yourself to help you regain that, but unfortunately, without details, it would be hard to speak about those, you have already stated that you have already started professional help for that, so it might be best to leave that with the experts until you are ready to speak about it.

The trust in others can also be regained, but it's best to take it very slowly.. Arrange a meeting before you have any other interaction, something relaxed and public (pub, park or cafe) to explain that you have had bad interactions in the past and make sure you go over your ground rules, boundaries and safe word, this will also give you a chance to size up you play partner as well.. think of it like an interview.
Have your first couple of sessions, wearing something like a swimsuit, etc, until you feel more confident with both yourself and feel that you can trust your play partner.
The key thing is to move slowly. Any Master/Mistress worth their salt will fully understand. I always insist that my play partners have two safe words.. one to let me know that things have become too intense and to pull back, and the other to stop the session completely and end it.

Over the years people have forgotten that at the end of the day, the sub has the ultimate power in our relationship and can stop the session and walk away.
We may be the riggers, whip masters, dommes, domintrixs, but if our play partner doesn't want to play anymore then there is nothing we can do as our reputations are important and key to each of us not only as an individual, but as a group collectively.

I hope that you don't let this recent interaction tarnish your experience for good and that you find someone who honours your rules and boundaries.
(I hope this all makes sense as it is 0500hrs here right now and I am getting ready for work)

[Va****]

Last relationship with A Complete Set up of ALL life Altered lies... Alotta Serious Losses 'N Horrible Deception of Complete Nightmares & Real tragedy in Every way possibly that is just sadly Deplorable 😔

[pe****]

I recently had to find my confidence again after an ugly end to a marriage and an even uglier divorce. While my journey to recovery is far from over. I found the one thing I absolutely had to do before anyone or anything else could be introduced was to get to know myself again. You are not the same person you were before and you can't figure out who new you is with someone else around. It is lonely and hard, but necessary. You can't be confident in you if you don't even know who that is. Best of luck. Never forget you have friends and community to turn to for support.

[sw****]

I don't think it's a question of believing in yourself or gaining confidence in yourself. You clearly do already, it's the struggle in believing in others that you are facing. Seems obvious but needs to be said. Bad experiences need to be learned from, not carried over like a math problem. I'm sorry whatever happened happened. It says more about them than you. I'm personally all for my heart getting broken over and over, not cause I enjoy it, I don't. I give each person their own chance and use past experiences to gauge my expectations. I don't know what the boundary is but keep it, explain it, if you can speak on it before as well and be vocal the whole time. I see a lot of people say they freeze (natural) when things get uncomfortable, but try speaking through it not to them but to yourself out loud. One they can hear how you are feeling and two you'll build up the strength to get yourself out of that situation, either stopping it or fully removing yourself. I wish you the best, believe in yourself, don't let others take away something you love or enjoy. Love and enjoy it on your terms.

[pr****]

To remember that you never should have lost it to begin with. I know, easier said than done, but you define yourself. You are perfect. You are exactly the way you are supposed to be. Take confidence in that and let them love you or leave you. You're worth just as much as any person or thing in this world 🩷

[Go****]

I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced this. Well done for reaching for support in the ways you have, that takes a lot.
As much as it sounds like a chliché, the best thing here (other than the professional help you’ve sought) may be time.
Speaking from experience, allow yourself time to grieve, and process. You will know if/when you feel ready to approach people again, and when that moment comes, allow yourself time to take things as slowly as you need. The right people will be okay with that 🤍

[Ch****]

I agree with @GoodGirlBetterBrat,time to heal is a must,I have been dealing with some heavy issues the last 2 years also,there where many times I just didn't know what to do and wanted to just give up.Im in the process of a complete demolition and reconstruction lol.I also lost my desire for intimacy,the thought of it was repulsive.I Feel im ready for the social world again and I'm eager to start living again.I know if i dont keep trying love me for me,and process all the trauma and *** then I'll never be able to have anything with anyone.Keep believing in YOU,you will get through this,it's anything but easy...I know lol just don't give up,one day...one step at a time....we will get there 🤟🤟✌️

[Odd-1086]

Travel alone, not just for s little while, but gor as long as it takes and then keep going.

[Ba****]

Wait so far it sounds like you stood up for yourself and reinf@rced your boundaries that’s usually what i advice people to do to gain confidence and as far as i can see that it didn’t work is entirely the other ones fault
So the only thing i can add here is: the “ability to judge/read people” will always be guesswork, it’s always better to build your confidence actual competence, like your apparent ability to stand up for yourself

[ch****]

I'm sorry for what happened to you and that you are going through this rough patch. The first step is looking in a mirror and saying "I love you and that I will be with you everyday and always. We can and will get through anything life throws at us as long as to and I stick together." The next step is to assess the damage and the route that was taken like when you get a flat tire. Reaching out for help is third step toward regaining your confidence.

Piggybacking off of what switchTeddy, talk of past relationships and experiences provides any opening for trouble. Think of something *** that you told someone about yourself and they turned around and used that disclosure (or some form of it) against you in return. It's like having a capable alarm system on your house but telling people they can bypass the alarm by using the patio door. So,
assess the inadvertent permissions that you may have given. People are creatures of habit, and often, they divulge their habits, patterns and vulnerabilities predators with the belief that we are being safe, open, and honest.

Set your boundaries and limits and NEVER explain them to anyone. No one needs to no the back storyother than yourself.

I'm here to offer support and/or help.

[bi****]

Love is always worth the effort but only if you can find someone willing to put forth the same effort you do. I know it's hard, my wife of over 10 years left me 2 years ago and I'm still locked inside my house, afraid to interact with people because I can't trust anyone anymore. It's lonely being alone all the time. Having someone to share your life with is what makes life worth living. I doubt I'll ever trust another woman enough to get married again but you never know. I like to think my soulmate is still out there somewhere, otherwise life is boring and pointless

[Se****]

Self awareness

[Deleted Member]

I'm really sorry to hear this and I'm glad you are on your journey..I have a book that's called a little book of zen and I find it great. It strips back to the basics and let's u refocus on u, prioritising urself and becoming ur own best friend. Take ur time to heal and do things that u like. 💕

[Deleted Member]

You did not lose your ability to judge people.

 

Someone chose to ignore a clearly stated boundary.

 

That is not a failure of your intuition. That is a failure of their character.

 

It is really important not to internalise someone else’s bad behaviour, as your mistake.

 

From what you described, you did everything right. You set boundaries early. You explained them. When they were pushed, you paused and reiterated them. That is exactly what healthy self-trust looks like in practice.

 

The problem was not that you trusted incorrectly. The problem is that some people simply do not respect consent when it inconveniences them.

 

No amount of “reading people better” protects you from someone who decides to disregard you.

 

That part is on them, not you.

 

In terms of confidence, I would start smaller and kinder than “learning to trust others again.” That’s a big mountain when you are already tired.

 

First rebuild trust with yourself.

 

Notice that you did pause.

Notice that you did speak up.

Notice that you did en*** your boundary.

 

That is strength, not failure.

 

Confidence often comes back through evidence, not willpower. Small, safe interactions. Low stakes conversations. People who show consistency over time. Letting your nervous system learn again that note everyone is a threat.

 

Trust is not something you give all at once. it’s something people earn slowly.

 

Yes, it is worth it, but only at your own pace.

 

You are not obligated to rush back into intimacy to prove that you have “healed.” Taking time, protecting yourself, and choosing carefully is not avoidance, it is wisdom.

 

For what it is worth, the fact that you have already sought professional support tells me you are doing the work even when you are exhausted. That is resilience, whether it feels like it or not.

 

Be patient with yourself. What you are feeling is not weakness. It is your system trying to keep you safe. That is something to respect, not fight.

[Mo****]

2 hours ago, Gentlemandom47 said:

You did not lose your ability to judge people.

 

Someone chose to ignore a clearly stated boundary.

 

That is not a failure of your intuition. That is a failure of their character.

 

It is really important not to internalise someone else’s bad behaviour, as your mistake.

 

From what you described, you did everything right. You set boundaries early. You explained them. When they were pushed, you paused and reiterated them. That is exactly what healthy self-trust looks like in practice.

 

The problem was not that you trusted incorrectly. The problem is that some people simply do not respect consent when it inconveniences them.

 

No amount of “reading people better” protects you from someone who decides to disregard you.

 

That part is on them, not you.

 

In terms of confidence, I would start smaller and kinder than “learning to trust others again.” That’s a big mountain when you are already tired.

 

First rebuild trust with yourself.

 

Notice that you did pause.

Notice that you did speak up.

Notice that you did en*** your boundary.

 

That is strength, not failure.

 

Confidence often comes back through evidence, not willpower. Small, safe interactions. Low stakes conversations. People who show consistency over time. Letting your nervous system learn again that note everyone is a threat.

 

Trust is not something you give all at once. it’s something people earn slowly.

 

Yes, it is worth it, but only at your own pace.

 

You are not obligated to rush back into intimacy to prove that you have “healed.” Taking time, protecting yourself, and choosing carefully is not avoidance, it is wisdom.

 

For what it is worth, the fact that you have already sought professional support tells me you are doing the work even when you are exhausted. That is resilience, whether it feels like it or not.

 

Be patient with yourself. What you are feeling is not weakness. It is your system trying to keep you safe. That is something to respect, not fight.

I couldn't have put it better, well said.
It's so important to not just understand these things but to accept them.


Be kind, patient, and gentle with yourself.
Give yourself the same love, support, forgiveness, and kindness you wish to give to others.

Small steps build confidence.

Trust is earned.

Serenity now
Work on the things you can.

Do not accept blame for other choices or disrespect.

Everything isn't your fault!
You couldn't have known.

To be honest, I've met bedroom alter egos that were nothing like the person outside the bedroom.

I hope you feel supported and find something helpful. There are lots of nuggets and hidden jewels in the stories and comments shared by others.

[To****]

What you’re experiencing isn’t a loss of intuition.., it’s the aftermath of a boundary ***

You set boundaries. You communicated them. You noticed when they were pushed and you paused. That means your judgment was working. The damage didn’t come from misreading someone... it came from them choosing not to respect consent

After that, it’s very common to turn the blame inward and question yourself. That’s not truth, it’s the nervous system trying to regain control after something unsafe

Rebuilding trust doesn’t start with trusting others again. It starts with trusting yourself that you’ll notice, speak up, and remove yourself when needed. You already proved you can do that

Loss of desire isn’t failure either. It’s protection. Intimacy goes quiet when safety is compromised, and it returns when your system believes it’s safe again... not on command, not on a deadline

Is it worth trusting again? Yes. But slowly, selectively, and without pressure to be “open” before you’re ready

Your instincts didn’t fail you. They did their job…

[wo****]

You’ve gotten a lot of helpful feedback in the thread thus far. The most challenging question is whether or not it is worth the effort to learn to trust again.

That question is really you asking yourself from a third person perspective whether or not it’s worth it. That comes from a higher order of thinking. Your capacity for sophisticated processing and understanding positions you solidly with the framework to tackle that dilemma.

The way you speak about your situation comes across to me as someone who has done considerable work on yourself. Additionally, it’s how someone who did that work speaks about it as if it happened 10 years ago.

That’s internal power. That is the territory where true and full agency exist, where it is fused with personal responsibility and accountability. It’s easy to be accountable with simple and ordinary situations.

When we are confronted and violated by someone acting with unrestrained power, lacking personal accountability, this is where we are truly tested.

“I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it, I didn’t deserve it, yet my soul was still clawed at and feel psychic ***.”

Most people react by externalizing that *** onto others as a means of coping. It’s ego protective, but it prevents healing.

My thoughts for your consideration: Since early childhood, the questions you asked have been part of a dilemma that I carried since early childhood. I developed an internal framework that is unmovable. I was ***d into doing that as a child to survive. I grappled with and mastered a lot, but it comes with a cost.

I say that to explain this. Most people who engage AI like chat gpt are only accessing 10-30% of what it’s capable of. It’s surface level engagement. That’s like a default setting of the system.

If you frame prompts with more specific parameters and continue to argue with it, or input questions and keep pressing each reply it’s possible to utilize ai’s capacity to 60-80%. I have gotten more insight from using ai as a thinking partner in the past month than I have in the past twenty years.

It doesn’t replace human experience as with emotion exchange as is sometimes felt in therapy. What you can do is effectively gathering together high level philosophers, historians, to systems analysts and get them to give you answers, feedback, etc almost instantly and on tap 24/7. Check it out.

[li****]

Confidence is a state of mind & from experience of feeling down & out you soon learn how too reach deep inside yourself!
First you take stock about what you feel good about in yourself & bring those positives too the front of your being,this pushes the negatives too the furthest back of your thoughts!
Next you look at what things you do what makes you happy & bring them back into your daily life!!!
But without those feelings of negativity the positivity will become just as annoying as feeling negative all the time!
It's definitely a balancing act & it's all about finding the right balance for yourself!!
For example my negative feelings are all about not being wanted by anybody & this means a huge starvation of love.
But my positives are my abilities as a musician which puts me very high up the list & also my creativity which along with my musical skills are permanently on fire!
I've not had sex in 30 years because of nobody wants too be with me,& that's my negative side.
What's your advice for this?
Good luck!

[on****]

20 hours ago, TomWhttt said:

What you’re experiencing isn’t a loss of intuition.., it’s the aftermath of a boundary ***

You set boundaries. You communicated them. You noticed when they were pushed and you paused. That means your judgment was working. The damage didn’t come from misreading someone... it came from them choosing not to respect consent

After that, it’s very common to turn the blame inward and question yourself. That’s not truth, it’s the nervous system trying to regain control after something unsafe

Rebuilding trust doesn’t start with trusting others again. It starts with trusting yourself that you’ll notice, speak up, and remove yourself when needed. You already proved you can do that

Loss of desire isn’t failure either. It’s protection. Intimacy goes quiet when safety is compromised, and it returns when your system believes it’s safe again... not on command, not on a deadline

Is it worth trusting again? Yes. But slowly, selectively, and without pressure to be “open” before you’re ready

Your instincts didn’t fail you. They did their job…

This is an exceptional answer.

[on****]

I think you’ve gotten some good advice here and some questionable advice. Never mind people who failed to read what you wrote…

What you haven’t gotten yet is the offer of backup, which surprises me a little.

Being a submissive is deliberately making yourself ***, which is in itself an act of bravery. Unfortunately it also is something of an open door to power hungry a**holes.

I’m more than happy to provide some rules that may help reduce your risks a little. One would be helping you vet your partners, another would be providing a set of rules that come from another dominant. Sometimes those carry a little more weight.

I would also insist that you give yourself time to process this.

And, should you find it useful, I can help you with practical solutions for dealing with people who don’t take no for an answer.

You have a right to boundaries, and safety and respect.