The “Modern” Dom

[ra****]

It’s so easy to tell who is there for a fun night and who is there for something beyond. For me, it’s always been one fun night and that’s all.

Lips pressed against mine. They taste like me, the slick in their mouth a mix of saliva and myself. I take pride in this. Being desirable is important. I smell good, I clean up well. I want to taste good, so I eat fruits and stay away from anything friend before a date. I put effort into my body.

The night is excellent. I brought a flogger, a collar, and a ball gag. They provided the restrains, the paddle, and feathers. I knew going in what was going to happen.

It’s passionate. The best sex I’ve had in such a long time. It’s sweet, sensual. They braid my hair back so that it stops being caught in the gag. Their lips are soft, their hand harsh. They dragged me to the bed by my hair, slapped my face, but then kissed the welt. The paddle was wonderful. The sensation of tickle between hits, their hand rubbing away the *** before swinging on my other cheek?

We kissed for the longest time. I felt comfortable to be crawled up on their chest, happy to rest there. I never like sleeping over, but I felt so comfortable there.

I left because I had a final the next day. Despite wishing them a good morning, they never responded. I told them my exam went well, no response. I still remain on their close friends story, but I am an after thought. The only closeness I received was a facade.

Is it wrong to be tired of this? It’s not the first, merely the latest. The communication dies each time and suddenly I left waiting for a message never coming.

Suddenly, the sub drop comes. It’s always about the sex, despite both of us mutually agreeing to be friends. It’s the nature, I assume, to be lustful but not wanting more. I’m so tired of giving and giving but being left grasping at air.

Was the sex not good? Does my personality not matter? Was it my body you were after? You have your fun and leave your sub waiting. I long for a sense of security, to have someone to rely on, but I *** if I even found a Dom/partner, I would be too afraid to feel secure.

[Deleted Member]

Familiar

[Deleted Member]

What you described here is exactly what I want as well. Most women around here are just looking for sex. I want passion, a partner not a party. I hope you find what you are looking for. For me I'm not so sure it's available around here.

[ra****]

14 minutes ago, yeah_i_did said:

Familiar

I hate that this is a familiar story for most of us

[Pa****]

You're probably getting with men who are out of your league. All they see you for is a night of fun. But now you think that's the kind of man you deserve.

[Deleted Member]

I just wish there was a woman like you around here. Distance isn't such a big deal these days but this app stops messaging some people.

[ra****]

6 minutes ago, PalmBeachinIt said:

You're probably getting with men who are out of your league. All they see you for is a night of fun. But now you think that's the kind of man you deserve.

I’m unsure if this is meant to be condescending or not.

[sN****]

You read my mind

[ra****]

40 minutes ago, cakeman72 said:

I just wish there was a woman like you around here. Distance isn't such a big deal these days but this app stops messaging some people.

For me, distance is a bit of a bigger deal. I don’t exactly enjoy online relationships as it looses the two important love languages for me: acts of service and quality time

[Ri****]

I’m sorry you’ve had poor experiences, and wouldn’t mind chatting with you a bit, you’ll have to initiate discussion, your filters are blocking me. I’ve coached a couple of subs and helped them find suitable local dominant partners. You didn’t specify if you had had prior contact with these partners, or just met them at the club event/dungeon. For me (and my partners) part of entering into a successful power exchange arrangement is the preparation. We chat online a bit to see if we are looking for complementary things. If we make it past that, my first meeting with a new potential sub is in public, over coffee or a light bite to eat. Never drinks, alcohol consumption can muddy the issue of consent. Generally, specifics like hard and soft limits and establishment of a safe word/gesture can be discussed at this time. Beginning a power exchange arrangement takes work. What you described sounds like an event being attended for a night of fun, and you seem to be looking for more. It might not be the right venue for you to meet your needs. Good luck in your search and stay safe online.

[S-****]

If I am understanding your feelings correctly, you are shifting your desire from a dynamic to a relationship. This will require you to seek a different type of Dom. I recommend one who will require you to adhere to very strict protocol, provide proper aftercare, are mindful of your time days ahead (where you don’t feel such a way during an exam), require check-in(s) after the session, and set goals for you. I personally prefer Doms who require intercourse to be an act that must be earned after a few sessions. It allows time for trust and communication to build, and makes it interesting down the road.

[Deleted Member]

Your value is not determined by the ulterior motives of this individual.
Your value is not determined by someone "talking the talk" to get what they wanted from you.
I'm sorry you had this experience(s)

[ra****]

1 hour ago, S-7 said:

If I am understanding your feelings correctly, you are shifting your desire from a dynamic to a relationship. This will require you to seek a different type of Dom. I recommend one who will require you to adhere to very strict protocol, provide proper aftercare, are mindful of your time days ahead (where you don’t feel such a way during an exam), require check-in(s) after the session, and set goals for you. I personally prefer Doms who require intercourse to be an act that must be earned after a few sessions. It allows time for trust and communication to build, and makes it interesting down the road.

Yes exactly. I am shifting away from the dynamic to a relationship and honestly, I realize how much of the attention is not focused on the whole but rather a part. It feels demoralizing when you communicate you want this, they agree, and then you are still ghosted. Perhaps it’s me maturing more to wanting something beyond a quickie. Unfortunately, I doubt I could find that here.

[S-****]

3 hours ago, rayvenous_ said:

Yes exactly. I am shifting away from the dynamic to a relationship and honestly, I realize how much of the attention is not focused on the whole but rather a part. It feels demoralizing when you communicate you want this, they agree, and then you are still ghosted. Perhaps it’s me maturing more to wanting something beyond a quickie. Unfortunately, I doubt I could find that here.

Fet, FetLife, local munches, goth clubs, are all viable options for finding a partner who also wants a relationship with bdsm lifestyle as the foundation. As is same with finding any partner, vanilla or otherwise, it just takes time and energy to vet the right person out of the crowd. Don’t doubt yourself, keep your chin up, be vigilant, and most of all find your happiness where it counts.

[ra****]

1 hour ago, S-7 said:

Fet, FetLife, local munches, goth clubs, are all viable options for finding a partner who also wants a relationship with bdsm lifestyle as the foundation. As is same with finding any partner, vanilla or otherwise, it just takes time and energy to vet the right person out of the crowd. Don’t doubt yourself, keep your chin up, be vigilant, and most of all find your happiness where it counts.

I have always been nervous to go to munches alone. I haven’t been in years 😭

[Ul****]

2 hours ago, rayvenous_ said:

I have always been nervous to go to munches alone. I haven’t been in years 😭

I imagine it's the same atmosphere across the pond, as it is as here in good old blighty, but ever munch I have gone to alone, have very welcoming and friendly to all new attendees no matter their role.
So take a chance, after all what is the worst that can happen? You leave early and think maybe that's not the group for me.. however the chances are you come away with some nee friends and contacts.

[Pa****]

15 hours ago, rayvenous_ said:

I’m unsure if this is meant to be condescending or not.

It's not. Just direct. This is what the dating app data shows.

[Deleted Member]

I am in the same boat as you. I’ve never been one to be intimate quickly. That has made weeding out those only here for the physical, very easy. The switch from dynamic seeking to relationship seeking is significantly longer and teaches you a great deal of patience. I have taken this time to learn more about myself, find education on not only my role, but the role of the man that I want in my life and how to find him and vet him properly. I won’t lie, there are many times where the loneliness is overwhelming. However, the more I learn about myself and have discovered my true value, that feeling of defeat and being alone comes less frequently. He is out there, somewhere, for both of us. Of that I am sure. It’s possible he is in the midst of learning how to be a better man and a worthy Dom. For that growth, I will wait as long as necessary.

[Be****]

Yesterday at 02:19 PM, FtWorthGal said:

I am in the same boat as you. I’ve never been one to be intimate quickly. That has made weeding out those only here for the physical, very easy. The switch from dynamic seeking to relationship seeking is significantly longer and teaches you a great deal of patience. I have taken this time to learn more about myself, find education on not only my role, but the role of the man that I want in my life and how to find him and vet him properly. I won’t lie, there are many times where the loneliness is overwhelming. However, the more I learn about myself and have discovered my true value, that feeling of defeat and being alone comes less frequently. He is out there, somewhere, for both of us. Of that I am sure. It’s possible he is in the midst of learning how to be a better man and a worthy Dom. For that growth, I will wait as long as necessary.

That is so beautiful and inspiring. I hope he finds you soon!

I want a situationship I think..... caring friends that help get through the hard times? It may eventually turn into something more but I came in here looking for that.
A dom found me and it started great but seems he is losing interest. I'm trying to be ok with that but it's hard. I definitely have some anxious attachment issues and may be reading things wrong but I don't think I am.

I hope to be as strong as you are in your determination to find the right one!

[Deleted Member]

Sigh, sadly I know the feeling. It’s exhausting to be the only one to come to the table knowing what you want, what you have is authentic, to honestly to have done the work. Those hiding their avoidance under a now trendy polyamorous label when they don’t even know what it entails. Just the latest thing they’ve heard dropped in a sea of vocabulary words that they think make them desired by others. Then to drop the title of dominant onto their profile without being able to regulate their own emotional state let alone a submissive who needs that regulation for sub drop among other things.

Scene based BDSM vs. lifestyle dominant is how look at it. Scene based is them using me to get their dopamine hit with no regard to what that does to a natural sub. I have no purpose for them in my life now. I simply vet much harder now due to those lessons that have been hard one. Those that dabble in the practice for their own selfish needs make it much harder for actual doms who understand the intricacies that come with the title.
Principles yes and it’s a lonely island but I’ll stand there alone before I have to undo the damage an entitled person does to me, yet again.

[si****]

I'm new here. I am surprised to see soooo many m and f advertising their targets. In other words, wants and expectations served quickly.

But there are some wanting to engage in simple activities, getting to build some connections. Connections, build confidence and trust. You'll enjoy any desired experience so much more. You'll be able communicate with each other more easily what you want/don't want.

BTW. Not everyone has exactly the skills you desire. Be a willing teacher.
HUGS